


To Be The Man That I Am...Bucky's Recovery

by MsMarvelous



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anderson Cooper - Freeform, Angst, Awesome Pepper Potts, Bathing/Washing, Battered Pride, Brotherly Love, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Clint Is a Good Bro, Dealing With Trauma, Domestic Avengers, Fear, Flashbacks, Friendship, Guilt, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Mental Health Issues, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Nick Fury Knows All, Nightmares, Pain, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Public Eye, Sam is the Voice of Reason, Self-Harm, Shame, TV News, Team as Family, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-18 13:56:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 117,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5930857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMarvelous/pseuds/MsMarvelous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the Sequel to, "No More Pain." Please read that first! Bucky has finally regained control over his Body but the mind can be a treacherous enemy when it has been manipulated and tormented for so long. Steve and the Avengers will be there to help him heal, face the impending Trial for the Crimes of the Winter Soldier and help him regain his sense of self. Nonslash-lotaBrolove</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. wake up

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS A SEQUAL TO MY FIRST STORY: “No More Pain.” It actually takes off exactly where the other tale ended and makes reference to what happened through out the first story. I highly suggest you read that one first!!!!!. Like the first story this is rated T but some chapters will be M. Please leave reviews if you are so inclined and I will be updating regularly!!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> PS (If you feel like it listen to this song right before you read the story. It makes me think about these boys and gets me all Fangirl! )

Philip Philips 

"Home"

Hold on, to me as we go  
As we roll down this unfamiliar road  
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along  
Just know you're not alone  
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear  
Don't pay no mind to the demons  
They fill you with fear  
The trouble it might drag you down  
You get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone  
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

 

To Be The Man That I Am….Bucky’s Recovery

 

Steve was pacing in the Avenger’s common room that looked out over the city below. He was moving from large glass windows over to the Kitchen where he would stand for a moment, open the refrigerator looking at the food then close it and lean on the table for a while across from Clint and Tony who where drinking some kind of fancy scotch while sighing as they watched Steve pout before again leaving their station for his next stop around the room over to Natasha who was sprawled out like a cat across one of the couches listening through head phones to an audio book teaching advanced linguistics of Arabic while painting her nails. Natasha glanced up at Steve as he dropped dramatically into the arm chair to her left with a frustrated sigh. She cocked an eyebrow over at the two men in the Kitchen who shook their heads as she mumbled along with the Arabic lessons.

Steve sat bolt up right as Bruce walked in through the doorway with Sam. Both men stopped their conversation as they looked over to Steve who was up and standing, fists clenched, a look of desperate hope shining in his questioning eyes. He tried to bite back his sense of urgency as he swallowed before asking with a tentative voice.

“Is he,..... has he woken up...yet?” Steve tried to tone down his restless impatience for his friend to wake up after being mentally sedated by Professor Xavier over 17 hours ago. The Captain had stayed up most of the night just watching his friend sleep as the man tossed and turned, mumbled, cried and even screamed, his body arching before falling back as he with drew further into unconscious sleep. Steve had been warned against waking him as his conscious mind was likely busy adapting to the new physiological make up of his brain chemistry while at the same time integrating the shared memories that Barne’s had witnessed while still trapped and living vicariously through the Winter Soldier. Steve was only half listening when the Professor had explained it to him, looking down, as he cradled his friend’s unconscious form. Bucky’s cheeks had been wet and stained from the tears after he had awoken in a state of fear and confusion, stuttering and shocked in horror at the sight of his metal arm, having never seen it while awake in his own body.

Bucky’s return to the land of the living had been less joyful then the Avenger’s and Steve had hoped for. Now Captain Roger’s was waiting with baited breath for his friend’s next break back into consciousness, hoping to finally see the man he had always known look back at him with eyes that knew their shared life, their memories of friends and loved ones long past and a life they had both been forced to leave behind. Steve sighed as Banner shook his head and Sam stepped forward patting Steve on the back.

“Common man,...... let’s go for a run or something!” Sam sighed as he pulled on Steve’s arm but Captain America just shook his head and collapsed back into the chair with a reluctant smile.

“Can’t,...... Not yet..... I want to be here the moment he opens his eyes again,..... help him remember he’s safe,....with friends and not.......” Steve’s jaw clenched, as he looked away, unable to say the hated name of Hydra with out feeling bile rise in his throat. Sam sat down across from him and leaned forward with concern as Banner sat on the edge of the couch.

“Steve,... Man.... What did you see in there?....... What went down inside Bucky’s mind that got under your skin so bad?” Sam asked with concern. The question peaked the other’s interest as Natasha sat up and lowered the headphones, Clint and Tony slowly closing distance from the kitchen area. Steve looked up at Sam with a locked jaw and a harsh swallow then up at the other’s before he shook his head and looked away blinking back the tears.

“It...... wasn’t just what I saw,...... It was........ how he felt....... I could feel his hopelessness, his desperation, his fear......... his humility and despair as they stole his mind away from him, stripped him of who he was and made him into this thing,..... this weapon that destroyed everything we fought for,...... everything we both believed in.....” Steve sighed as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I can’t even imagine...... what he is goanna do once he starts to remember,.......once he knows what they did to him and......... what they made him do!” Steve hung his head as he covered his face with his hand. Sam sighed and leaned forward, resting a hand on his Shoulder as Natasha stood and gracefully warped her self around his back as she rubbed comforting circles.

“I saw....... how they broke him,...... after his mind was gone,.... when he was nothing but empty,..... and even the resistance and will to escape was completely beaten out of him...... They made him into a helpless animal, hiding in the corner......,took his humanity and then trained him to kill,.... to slaughter with out mercy,........And...... I have absolutely no idea how to help him deal with that....... How to help him process that much pain, and guilt and anger and......” Steve stood up with a frustrated sigh as he again stalked toward the windows, looking out over the gradually setting sun. He sighed again and spoke in a low but steady voice without turning to face the Avenger’s. “I saw what they reduced him to,..... felt his total and complete defeat,...... and now it’s my turn to help him get back up,...... stand up against the bullies,...... and I have no clue how to get him through this!” Steve admitted with a deflated sigh, shoulders hunched and forehead crumpled with distress, leaning against the cool window pain.

“Just being there for him Rogers!...... Letting him rely on you with out feeling like a burden, so that he can focus on getting him self through it..... not feeling like your forced to carry him because he is no longer the strong, proud man he once was!” Natasha’s tone was gentle but real all the same as she stood up and followed him to the window. Steve turned and looked down at her with thoughtful eyes. 

“You told us that Bucky spent his life protecting you,... having your back, ........What did he do to help you feel big when you weren’t,...... to treat you with respect even as he grew taller and physically stronger then you?...... He is goanna need you to treat him like a Man Steve,.... Remind him of his own self worth........... He needs to know that it’s okay if he can’t remember, or has panic attacks or gets confused....... That he is accepted as he is now and not expected to be who he was before!” She stroked the side of his face with a soft knowing smile.

“She’s right Cap,...... love and acceptance is all you can do........ This is goanna be a bumpy road for your friend no doubt,..... But he’s goanna want you to stand with him by his side, not behind or ahead,.... just at his pace,...... offering the time and space he needs and the reassurance he can make it when he feels like he can’t.” Sam added with a quiet nod as he sat back in the chair with his own sigh.

“And I have a whole cabinet dedicated to just aged whiskey,.... some even before your time Spangles!........ So when he wakes up we can give him that God Damn Drink at the best bar in town,..... the A tower!” Stark cheered.

“Yea with it’s very own A-hole bar tender!” Barton teased as Bruce rolled his eyes.

“Just for that Robin Hood,......!” Stark reprimanded as he took Clint’s glass from his hand and swigged down the remainder of the man’s drink, eye brows raised at the Archer’s huff of protest. Steve smirked as Natasha offered an amused smile.

Captain Rogger’s........... Sargent Barnes has awoken sir. Jarvis voice was heard over the intercom and instantly Steve was headed to the door but was stopped as Sam jumped up and blocked his way the others gathering around.

“Easy Cap,...... Look,..... he just woke up,..... lets find out how he’s doing before you go running in there. He’s not the Soldier anymore,.... he’s your friend who might want a minute to compose himself or get his head strait before you pounce on him!” Sam suggested as Steve looked at him with an intense stare that warned him to move. He paused and thought about what the VA consoler was suggesting, brow furled as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

“Hey Jarvis,..... be a dear and give us a description of Sargent Barne’s movements, mannerisms and physical condition at this moment?” Tony asked as he shrugged at Steve and Sam offering the compromise.

Yes Sir, Sargent Barnes is sitting up on his bed and is examining his metal arm. Based on his facial expression and forceful breath he seems upset and disturbed by it. However he appears calm and not hyperventilating. 

“Okay,...... so that’s a good thing,.... we can work with that!” Sam stated with reassurance to Steve who still looked antsy and on his toes ready to run past the Avengers strait for his disoriented friend.

“Jarvis,.. keep us posted on his movements and monitor his heart rate and breathing for signs of distress.” Banner spoke up and then stepped forward and placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I know you want to be there for him Steve, Lets just give him a few more minutes to gather his thoughts and get acquainted with his physical form.” Bruce offered with a patient tone and understanding gaze.

“But,....... What if he freaks out like he did when he first woke up!?..... What if he try’s to hurt himself?!” Steve sighed as he rubbed his face with his hand.

“Then you are only two flights of stairs away Steve....... We removed the razors and scissors from the bathroom......the windows and shatter proof.” Natasha spoke from his right elbow. He looked at her and nodded with a reluctant sigh.

“Cap,.....If Barnes is anything like me,..... and based on his biography and your stories,.... I am thinking he is,..... he will appreciate us giving him the space he needs to get his head together...... Stubborn, head strong and proud means you want people to recognize your strength and ability to rise above..... Pity can feel worse then any punch in the gut and can cut a proud man in two!” Hawk eye spoke with a distant gaze, speaking from first hand knowledge. Steve gave the archer a thoughtful nod and then watched as Natasha moved over to Barton and wrapped her arms around him, pressing a kiss to his temple.

Sargent Barns has risen from his bed and has entered the bathroom locking the door. He is currently standing in front of the mirror removing his cloths.

“See,.... he needs some privacy right now Steve....... Hasn’t seen himself reflected back in a long time.” Sam consoled as Steve begrudgingly nodded and took a seat, leaning forward and hands on his knees.

“That’s what I am afraid of Sam,....... When he looks in the mirror,…. I am afraid he wont see James Buchanan Barnes starring back at him…. I just don’t want him to fall apart when he sees what they have done to him,..... what they turned him into.” Steve gulped with a fretful stare at his own hands as he rubbed them together.

Sergeant Barnes in standing completely disrobed in front of the mirror and is examining the scars on his body. His heart rate is slightly elevated as is his breathing but he still appears calm.

“It’s a lot to take in Steve,.... we just need to be patient.” Bruce offered a sympathetic smile as the others all watched America’s first Super Hero fidget anxiously with concern for the one man he hadn’t been able to save, a man who like the Captain, was getting his second chance at life.

.................................................................................................................................

Bucky was no longer in his cell, a captive of Hydra, trapped inside his own head as his body was ordered to kill. He was instead floating, a drift in an endless tide of memories and emotions, some of them raw and painful while others where warm and comforting. When the swell of memory became to much he found him self suddenly in a safe place. At first it was his favorite bar in Brooklyn, and after drinking down a few shots of liquid courage he stepped out the door back into the fragmented landscape of his mind. The next time it was in his childhood bed room, his mother telling him Steve was coming over soon and to get dressed. The time after that he was in his army tent on a cot next to Steve who was still asleep, his shield next to him. Each time as he emerged through the threshold and doorways he was greeted by the whirlwind of thoughts, trying to work through the onslaught of emotionally charged memories, images and sound bites flashing before his eyes. 

Steve’s skinny adolescent face smiling up at him despite a black eye and busted lip.

A Russian Hydra guard striking him with the butt of his gun.

His mother stroking his hair and smiling with her kind and loving blue eyes. 

Zola holding a syringe over his restrained body with a sadistic gleam in his eyes. 

His father laughing as he pat him on the back and asked him to hand over another tool as he worked on a neighbors car. 

Steve reaching his hand for him with desperate eyes that grew as he fell away from the speeding train. 

Betty Sue’s bright red lips smiling at him as she giggled, his hand resting in the small of her back as they danced.

Howard Stark, young and suave, sharing a drink with him after another strategic planning meeting with the Howling Commandos. 

Tony Stark watching him with cautious eyes as he worked on the metal arm.

Steve, just a child, daring Bucky to jump first into the Hudson river, his eyes flashing brightly as he swallowed down his own fear. 

Natasha stroking his face, speaking to him in Russian with a soothing tone. 

His own mother hugging Steve as he tried not to cry once the doctors pronounced his mother had passed. 

Sam holding his hand and telling him to breath, reminding him that he was safe.

Falsworth asking for a swing from his flask.

Billy Duncan running away with a bloody nose after Bucky had punched him before helping a battered Steve to his feet.

Clint chuckling as he nodded with encouragement toward a bowl of Ice cream, promising it was good.

Dum Dum looking at him with concern as he coughed uncontrollably at the Hydra facility in the cell next to him.

Steve sketching a boat as it past by them as they laid on the beach by Coney Island drinking beers.

A Russian Hydra Guard shooting a young girl in the head in front of him as he scrambled toward her with one arm.

Dr. Banner staring down at him with kind eyes as he asked him if the pain was any better.

Steve pinned beneath him with a bloody and battered face as the helicarrier fell from the sky telling him to finish it because he was with him till the end of the line.

............................................................................................................................................

Bucky opened his eyes with a gasped breath as he shook with cold sweat. He remained still as he steadied his breathing and blinked his eyes, trying to determine where he was. After a moment he recognized the bare room, walls dented from his own anguished outburst. He felt the familiar security of the large comforter and the mattress on the floor. Slowly he sat up and looked around him remembering that he was in the Avenger’s tower with Steve and his new team, the people who had been helping the Winter Soldier after their escape from Hydra. Bucky looked down at his metal arm and swallowed his nauseous feeling and pain in his gut. He examined the arm in the dim light of the early evening sun as it shined in through the window. Bucky let out a trembling sigh and blinked back tears clenching the metal fist before looking away from it with an anguished cry that he kept locked in his throat.

It had really happened. They had turned him into a weapon, a caged beast that they let loose to reek havoc so that in the aftermath of the chaos, Hydra could take control and restore order as they saw fit. The realization felt like a ton of bricks and Bucky struggled to fight the urge to collapse back into his bed and hid under the covers. He groaned as he rubbed his face with his flesh hand and then grasped a lock of his long hair, glaring at it with equal distain. With heavy movements and disoriented balance he picked himself up and stumbled toward the bathroom, closing the door behind him and locking it. The last thing he wanted was to have Steve or any of the others come down and ask him how he was feeling. He felt like shit! Worse then shit, he felt like he had been tortured and locked away and then woken up years in the future only to realize he was responsible for countless deaths that very nearly included his best friend.

Bucky looked at himself in the mirror and his reflection was more surreal then anything he had dreamed of during his fitful slumber. With wide eyes and shaky hands he removed his gym shorts and boxers then stood completely naked in front of the mirror. He felt his heart beating fast as he stared at the reflection of the Winter Soldier,..... the flesh made weapon who had stolen his face. His fingers began to trace over the unfamiliar scare tissue that decorated his body, along his shoulder, down his torso. As his fingers grazed the ridges he had small flashes of hazy memory, images that were distorted from a life he had not lived, if living is what one could call the pathetic existence that the Winter Soldier had been enslaved to. Each scare carried with it a vague impression of some horrific act of violence, flashes of blood, dead eyes, twisted mouths, the piercing explosion of a grenade, the smell of fire and burning flesh. Bucky felt his head spin and his stomach cramp as he looked back up and his eyes stared back at him, wet and round and filed with horror and pain. His eyes were the only thing left of his reflection that he remembered as himself. He sighed deeply as he shook his head and reached up again tugging at his long air with a disgruntled huff.

After another long moment he turned away from the mirror, feeling disgusted and ashamed of what he saw. He turned toward the shower and made his way on unsteady legs, his body and mind still reconnecting, reflexes stiff and awkward. Once under the hot spray of the water he leaned against the tiles, eyes closed and with a heartbroken whimper, he let himself cry, feeling the weight of his suffering crushing down upon him. He wanted to be stronger then this, wanted to shake off the darkness and despair and the lingering fear that this was not real but just a dream and he would awaken once more in his cell or on Zola’s examine table. He wanted to grasp onto his relief that he was finally free and that he was safe and with Steve and that everything would be alright. The truth was he felt broken and pathetic and scared and angry and dirty, blood staining his hands, covered in the filth of Hydra. With a shattering cry he slid down the tiles until he was on his knees, bent in and curled on the floor under the spray, sobbing uncontrollably as he held onto himself, the reality of what he had done gripping his heart.

............................................................................................................................................

Sir, Sargent Barnes has entered the shower. He is on his knees and appears to be crying. 

Steve looked up at the others with a deep sigh.

“I need to at least go to him Sam,..... at least let him know I am there!.... Even if he doesn't want to talk to me or see me. I need to make sure he knows he’s not alone!” Steve begged, as if Sam could actually keep him back. The VA Counselor sighed and looked over toward Banner and Natasha who both shrugged, unwilling to stand between Captain America and what he needed to do. Steve stood and nodded to the others and then excited quickly, not breaking into a run until he reached the staircase. His heart was thumping in his chest rapidly as he sprinted toward their joined rooms before stopping to slow his entry in through the doorway. Steve stood outside of the bathroom with his hand raised to knock before hesitating as he thought about how Bucky handled grief much like himself, wanting to be alone, needing time to deal with his aguish with an emotional outburst before regaining a level head.

With an uncertain sigh he knocked on the door before calling to his friend.

“Hey Buck,..... You okay?........” Steve didn’t hear a reply and so swallowed as he tried to steady his emotional voice. “... Just want you to know that I am here pal,..... What ever you need!...... I’m here.....” Steve swallowed again feeling stupid. He walked away from the door and sat down heavily on his own bed as he waited for the emergence of his best friend.

Time past, how much Steve wasn’t sure but the sun had set by the time he heard the shower turn off. The Captain sat up with alertness as he waited for the door to open. Several more minutes past until finally the man he had known since childhood emerged, long hair dripping wet and a towel wrapped around his waist as his eyes peered up at Steve from a hung head and hunched soldiers, flesh hand gripping his metal bicep as if keeping the arm still.

“Hey Stevie..... Missed me?” Bucky offered a nervous laugh with a hushed whisper, swallowing down his embarrassment and shame at feeling so week and exposed. Steve was up on his feet and across the room in a heartbeat as he grabbed his friend in a tight hug, ignoring the way Bucky tensed at the contact before he settled into the familiar arms. Steve gripped him tight, one hand around his shoulders and the other tangled in his wet hair at the back of his head.

“Yes Bucky!..... God I missed you so much!...... I am so glad your back Buck!..... You have no idea!” Steve heard his own voice choke with emotion as he shook slightly with adrenaline. Bucky focused on letting his body relax and except the embrace despite the initial panic and urge to push away that such close and immediate contact inspired. With a shaky breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding, Bucky brought his own arms up to hug his best friend, a man who was once a head shorter and now was at least a few inches taller then him. Bucky kept his face pressed against Steve’s chest and smiled slightly at the rapid beating of his friend’s heart. They separated after a moment, both men looking at the other and not sure what to say, overwhelmed by how much there was to express and unsure how. Bucky looked off to the side, breaking eye contact first and griping his metal arm again. Steve frown as he looked at his friend, trying to figure out what he needed to do to reassure Bucky that everything would be better now. 

“Bucky,...... I want you to know,..... whatever you need,..... anything pal,..... you name it...... I will stay with you,..... stand by your side...... or give you your space........we.....we can talk about.... you know.... anything.... or..... or nothing..... it doesn't matter!..... It doesn't matter what you remember,....... unless it matters to you... cuze then It matters..... but it’s okay if you don’t remember everything..... I mean... I don’t care either way...... unless it bothers you and then I will help you..... just.....” Steve was fumbling with his words, brow knit as he fidgeted with nervous energy.

Bucky looked up at him and couldn’t help the amused smirk that crept onto his lips before he rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“Comere’ you goof!.......” Bucky chuckled at his friend’s bashful expression as he stepped forward and initiated another hug, this time pulling Steve in close, still feeling tense by the contact but less so. Steve sighed as he rest his forehead against Bucky’s flesh shoulder, his hands both circled around his friend’s back. “I am the one that’s suppose to be a stuttering, Shell Shocked, mess,..... not you Captain America!” Bucky chided with a soft whispered chuckle as he sighed. Another long moment and then they stepped back again and Steve wiped his eyes as he smiled and stifled his own laugh at Bucky’s incredulous expression.

“It’s so good to have you back Bucky!...... There is so much I want to tell you,.... but,..... I don’t want to overwhelm you.......... Everything is gonna be different now....... but.....I want you..... I need you to know,.... that you wont have to face anything alone,..... not anymore........ I got yer back pal but so do the Avengers,..... they are a lot different from the Howling Commando’s,....... a lot more issues actually,.....” Steve laughed and rubbed the back of his neck,.....” But their good folks,....... and they have helped me,....... and helped you....... and they...... we....... we’re a team,....... you don’t have to be strong alone now,..... you don’t have to suffer alone!” Steve’s voice turned soft as he reached out and placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder.

“Stevie,.... enough already!” Bucky smirked as he pulled away and turned his back on his friend, hiding the wetness that rimmed his own eyes, avoiding the depth of emotion that he wasn’t ready to unleash. He sighed as he shivered slightly and then swallowed. Steve watched him and knew that he was trying his best to keep his emotions in check, sill the proud, stubborn man he had always been.

“Alright Buck,....... You.... ah... hungry?.....We got food...... I can make you something...... want me to bring it here or....” Steve was rambling again and Bucky laughed softly as he turned around again.

“Nah,..... lets go up there,...... It’s time I actually meet these super hero people,.... or really, time they actually met me....not Hydra’s lap dog!!!” Bucky said with a bitter smirk before he swallowed down his anger. “But first,........ clothes?” Bucky raised his eye brows as he looked around with an easy smile that looked the part but never met his eyes which still held a hunted look, weary and tense. Steve smiled back with a nod and a calm sigh. He felt lighter then he had since waking up in the new century, an optimistic swell rising within his chest. He was not alone, he had Bucky!


	2. Live Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky might seem to be doing pretty well but don’t you worry,… lots of Hurt/ Comfort ahead!

Natasha looked over her shoulder toward the door way as the other Avenger’s shifted in their staggered placement around the common room at the sound of Jarvis’ voice.

Sargent Barnes and Captain Rogers have just stepped into the elevator and shall arrive on this floor shorty. Sergeant Barnes is prepared for introductions to the assembled Avengers.

“Wow,.... introductions,..... it’s kinda weird starting from scratch with this guy,...... I mean, I understand that this is a different personality,..... his real self and all that but still,..... I felt like we were finally making progress with the Soldier and now we’re kinda back at square one.” Hawk Eye mused.

“Wrong Bird Brain!...... The goal with the Winter Soldier was to help him regain enough memories so that he could actually become Bucky again, reclaim the man he once was and no longer self identify as a weapon for other’s to use. That goal has been accomplished, now comes the hard part,.... helping the Man, James Barne’s, except what was done to him, what he has been through and how to move past all the Hydra Bullshit so that he can live with himself.” Natasha offered as she stood up and leaned casually against the counter cocking an eyebrow at Clint’s huff in response to her unwelcomed pet name. 

“Do you think he will remember us, his past few months here?” Stark pondered out loud.

“The way Professor Xavier explained it, he will remember it but perhaps a bit blurry, like a dream or something similar...... An outsider looking in.” Bruce explained receiving thoughtful nods.

The assembled Avenger’s turned as the sound of the elevator chimed and from down the hall they heard muffled voices, hushed and foot steps that seemed hesitant.

Steve stood with Bucky just outside the elevator where his friend had stopped abruptly with a look of nervous apprehension crossing his face. The newly reclaimed man took a few more steps then stopped again and let out a heavy sigh, his fists clenching, and shoulders tense. His breathing had increased in short bursts through his nostrils as his jaw locked with a tight twitch of his muscles working beneath taught skin that was becoming flush. Steve closed distance and placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder, compassionate eyes searching Bucky’s panicked expression.

“It’s okay Buck,..... we don’t have to do this now,.....it can wait.....no need to rush!” Steve offered with an understanding and reassuring smile as he gently squeezed his friends shoulder. Bucky swallowed the lump in his suddenly dry throat and met Steve’s patient gaze. He shook his head with a halfhearted smile as a slight tremor shook his body.

“I’m fine Steve,..... just need to be me again,.... never had a problem meeting new folks,..... just a little outta practice is all!” Bucky huffed with a timid whisper, trying to sound confidant but betraying his utter nervousness and anxiety. Steve smiled and patted him on the back. 

“Well, they might be new to you,...But for them,.....it’s been a couple of months in waiting...... I’m not sure how much you remember......?” Steve asked with a raised eyebrow, his smile faltering as he thought about some of the events that had taken place and the not so pleasant details about his time with Hydra that had slowly been revealed. Bucky sighed and shook his head, tucking his long strains of hair behind his ears with annoyance.

“Honestly Stevie,....... I am not so sure myself....... I still feel all screwy and cock-eyed,..... like I know these cats,......the Avengers,.... but I don’t,....... I remember their faces and words but not the context or the feelings that go with it....... Not yet at least.” Bucky used his flesh hand to wipe his face as he sighed heavily, shoulders slumped. Steve offered a sympathetic smile and wrapped an arm around his friend, aware of the sudden tension that the close contact once again triggered but ignoring it as he lead the way slowly forward.

“It’ll come Bucky,....... I know this isn’t gonna be simple or easy,..... but I got ya Pal,......... and they do too.” Steve promised as they paused right by the door way. He released his hold on his anxious friend and took a step through the door way, offering the Assembled Avenger’s a smile and nod, his eyes communicating to them that Bucky was still feeling a little out of sorts.

“Hey,...... I’d like you all to meet a good friend of mine....” Steve turned behind him as Bucky took the que with a shaky breath and stepped into the room, body stiff, and brown knitted as he glanced at the faces around him then to Steve, eyes wide. He stood frozen in place and swallowed as he opened his mouth to speak then closed it again and swallowed as he looked away from the many eyes, his fists clenched and heart pounding, breathing shallow. Steve closed distance a gentle smile as he again wrapped his arm around his friend’s shoulders and guided him in with small steps. “This is Sargent James Buchanan Barnes,...... The best pal a fella could ask for!” Steve beamed, trying to help Bucky feel at ease. The effect worked slightly as the former Soldier huffed and rolled his eyes at Steve as he shook his head. He smirked slightly at Steve then looked at the others and with another swallow, he spoke with a tremor in his voice and nervous eyes.

“You can call me Bucky.” He stammered, feeling heat rise up his cheeks as he looked away again, fighting the urge to bolt from the room. His expression changed however to one of wariness and then pensive thought as Natasha strolled up to the two friends casually with a warm and slightly amused smile. She glanced at Steve and then to Bucky as she stuck out her hand, her eyes intrigued but not questioning.

“Hi Bucky...... I am....”

“Natasha!” Bucky blurted out as if the name had just come to him, eyes wide with recognition. He instantly took her hand in his and brought his metal hand toward the faded bruises on her face before he stopped himself, glancing at the metal hand with revulsion before he blinked rapidly and left it to hang limply at his side. He returned his intense gaze to her familiar face. “I am so glad your okay,....... that night....... when......” He swallowed and shuddered.” When Hydra came back for us,...... for him,....... I was begging him to fight back...... to protect you!” He blushed as he let go of her hand and stepped back looking to the side and offering a nervous chuckle before peering up at her thoughtful expression. “I am just glad Bullets for Brains actually listened for once instead of shutting me out!........But I am sorry that you got hurt!” He stammered and swallowed again, keenly aware of how awkward he was being. Natasha just smiled and stepped forward wrapping him in a hug that he accepted stiffly. When she pulled back she had a twinkle in her eyes.

“Bullets for Brains?” She asked with a smirk. Bucky smiled back shyly with a shrug and tilted his head to the side.

“So you do remember us?....... You remember your time here?” Stark asked from the kitchen as he took out glasses and began pouring drinks from an expensive bottle of Bourbon. Bucky looked over with a disgruntled expression and shrugged again before bringing his flesh hand up to rub his neck, his jaw tight and muscle twitching as he closed his eyes tight. With a sigh he opened his eyes and glanced at the others who where all drawling closer but careful not to crowd him.

“Kinda....... bits and pieces....... But it wasn’t me....... I mean,...... it was him, ya know?..... The Soldier,..... I really only watched,...... tired to get him to listen,...... sometimes it worked,...... but normally.....before when....He was with......them... “ He shuddered again despite not saying Hydra aloud. He swallowed and stared off to the side, arms crossed and shoulders hunched......” Then I was just blind and deaf to what ever was going on...... I’d get glimpses,...... hear voices,........I knew when he was hurt...... But.......The longer he was awake the more I could.......be.......It’s....... I can’t explain...... ” Bucky sighed again with a shake of his head, frustrated by his lack of understanding and the inability to explain it to the others. He looked up as Sam approached him with a kind smile. His shoulders loosened slightly as he accepted a hand shake from the VA Counselor who took Natasha’s place in front of him.

“I am sure there is a lot of stuff that your still figuring out and I know it’s gonna be a roller coaster ride, and not a fun one either,..... But I want you to know that it’s an honor to finally meet you Sargent Barnes!...... Steve has told us a lot about you!” Sam offered a nod of recognition and a steady smile beneath an unwavering gaze. Bucky nodded back with a ghost of a smile and met his eyes with relief.

“Thank you Sam,...... I appreciate you looking after this Knuckle Head while I was away!” He gestured over his shoulder with his head and smirked at Steve’s huff. “Stevie always did run head first into trouble,...... needs a good wingman to pull him outta it!” Bucky’s smile grew as Sam chuckled and nodded his agreement. It was getting easier by the minute and Steve felt his heart swell as once again he could see his friend’s true nature shinning through even after years of abuse, his spirit resilient and strong as ever. 

Bruce stepped up with a compassionate smile and concerned eyes. This time Bucky spoke first, his voice slightly more steady but his words still unsure. 

“Doctor.......It’s.......I....... Thank you!” Bucky tripped over his words as he shook Bruce’s hand with eyes that communicated his gratitude. Banner nodded and placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, noticing but not reacting to the slight flinch and ridged posture.

“Steve told us you were strong,...... a fighter!...... We all knew you would pull through,...... just had to help your body heal so that your mind could follow!” Banner patted his shoulder as Bucky nodded again swallowing down his strong emotions that felt almost overwhelming and yet welcomed.

Hawk eye was next to step forward, his eyes studying Bucky as had Natasha’s, a soft smile on his lips.

“It’s good to finally meet you Sargent!..... Welcome back!” Barton shook his hand with a nod and Bucky returned the gesture.

“It’s good to be back........ I got a lot of living to catch up on!” Bucky retorted, feeling more at ease with each passing moment, the tension and nervousness edge leaving his voice. 

“Speaking of living!........” Toney walked over to the gathered individuals with a tray of glasses. “I believe you have been waiting for, ‘a real god damn drink’?’” Stark smiled as he took the first one and handed it to Bucky who looked at the offered glass with bright eyes and an eager smile. He took the offered glass with a nod of appreciation.

“Thank you Stark,........ You,........all of you....... have been...... just.......” Bucky fumbled with his words feeling the dam holding back his overwhelmed emotions breaking. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision of tears as Steve wrapped his arm around his friend’s shoulder’s once more as they each took a drink.

“A Toast!....... To becoming the man who you truly are!......... And Fuck Hydra!” Tony raised a glass and the others smirked while Bucky grinned, his eyes bright with unshed tears as he felt the wave of relief crash over him so strong his knees felt weak and he leaned against Steve for support. With a quivering breath he greedily brought the liquor to his lips, closing his eyes and relishing the burn of the aged bourbon. After almost a century of his hellish nightmare, he had awoken to heaven and it warmed his throat as he drank, keeping the cold wariness of his heart ach at bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1930’s-40’s slang:
> 
> Cock-eyed - Backward/crazy/illogical  
> Screwy- crazy   
> Cats- Cool People


	3. Feel like me

Bucky sat somewhat comfortably on the couch in the common room, Steve next to him as they enjoyed the company of the other Avengers. After Tony’s welcoming Toast and a few more drinks, the ex-assassin had accepted a plate of roast chicken, mashed potato’s and green beans, devouring the whole thing in a matter of moments. He had slowed his ravenous pace when he looked up and caught Steve’s fretful expression thinly masked with a tight-lipped smile.  
“You must’ve been hungry!” Steve commented with a sad smirk as he couldn’t help but think back to the Soldier and how weary and uncertain he had been of solid food, having been kept on a liquid diet of nutrients and mood stabilizers. It occurred to Steve as he watched his friend desperately consume his meal that Bucky had been starved and emaciated during his torturous conditioning, just one of many tools Hydra had used to break the man who fought them tooth and nail, resisting their control even when his memories had been stolen. Bucky swallowed and wiped his mouth with a napkin realizing that he had attacked the food with desperation. He nodded as he looked away from Steve’s knowing gaze and took a large swallow of milk. He knew that the Soldier had been eating regular meals while at the tower but for him, in some ways he felt like he had only just escaped his Hydra cell and the starvation and cruel torture that had for so long been his existence before finally being wiped away by the chair that ate his memories.  
“Yea,...... sorry,......” Bucky exhaled with a brief smile and pained eyes as he looked back up at Steve then over to Natasha who was standing nearby watching him with tempered sympathy. “Don’t remember food tasting this good!” He offered another small smile before he took his last few bites. Steve nodded in agreement.  
“I said the same thing after my first few meals!” Steve smiled at him with fondness then at Natasha as she took the empty plate.  
“Seconds?” Natasha asked Bucky as she cocked an eyebrow. He smiled but shook his head, telling himself mentally that he could eat again when ever he wanted, fighting his impulse to stuff himself.  
“Thanks,.... maybe later Doll.” Bucky responded and looked over to the men behind him in the common room who choked back laughter before he turned back to Natasha who fixed him with an incredulous look as she shook her head. Bucky’s brow knitted with confusion as he looked over to Steve who was covering his mouth with a muffled laugh.  
“What?.....” Bucky asked obviously confused and slightly disconcerted. Steve sighed with a shake of his head and patted his out of time friend on the back.  
“It’s fine Buck...... Just woman nowadays,...... they don’t really go for the pet names so much...... Doll being one of them!” Steve chuckled softly and rubbed his friends back who looked back at Natasha with a sheepish shrug. She smiled and rolled her eyes.  
“Don’t worry Barne’s...... It’s taken a few years with Steve, but we will get you up to date!” She smirked before placing the plate in the dish washer.  
A few hours had passed since then and Bucky had kept an easy smile on his face despite the weariness and inner turmoil behind his eyes. He had been quietly listening as the others all joked and exchanged stories, occasionally turning to him if a reference was made he might not understand. They told him about the terrible fashion of the 80’s and Natasha made Jarvis pull up photo’s of Stark looking goofy in the fashion of the time. They told him about Thor and mimicked the way he spoke, laughing at how he sounded so regal. They told him how Tony, Thor and Steve had all duked it out before realizing they were better off working together. Occasionally Bucky would laugh or shake his head or offer a teasing comment to Steve when he was the butt of a joke. Bucky was his old, good natured self and while It was obvious to all that he was glad to be awake and back in control, still they could see the anxiety and emotional storm he was struggling to keep in check just beneath the surface. His body was still stiff with tension and slight tremors raked through him that he tried to ignore, fists clenching and jaw locked as he focused harder on the story, trying to keep himself in the moment and grounded. After a round of chuckles died down from a story Hawk Eye told about waking up naked on a fishing boat in Thailand, Natasha turned to Bucky and asked him a question, noticing that he had begun to look off with a pensive expression.  
“So Sargent Barnes,..... Now that you are back,.......... What’s the first thing you want to do?” She posed the question with a cocked eyebrow. The others looked at Bucky who shifted slightly under the attention but despite his anxious fidgeting, he offered a smirk as his flesh hand came up to grip his long hair.  
“Well, seeing as I definitely need a hair cut,..... find a barber I guess.” He huffed as he glared at the long strains in his hand.  
“I figured you’d want to cut that mop off your head!” Steve teased and received a glare with a smirk back.  
“Ya Think?...... I can’t believe you’ve been letting me walk around like this Stevie!...... How the heck am I suppose to make eyes at the dames if I look like one for Heaven’s sakes!” Bucky huffed and received a round of chuckles from the others. Steve smiled and shook his head as he patted his friend on the back.  
“You know, some chicks dig long hair!...... Thor’s got that look going for him!” Hawk Eye offered and Bucky snickered.  
“Yea well I ain’t some ancient, Nordic, God, Alien who fly’s around wearing a cape!.......And the sooner I look more like me and less like the Winter Soldier the better!” Bucky’s tone had started off humorous but had ended a bit sour despite his efforts to stay upbeat. Steve rubbed his back and Bucky swallowed offering a twitch of a smile under an angst filed gaze that fixed on the floor.  
“I can cut it for you.” Natasha offered, breaking the slight tension as Bucky looked up with a few blinks, refocusing on her face.  
“You can?” Steve asked surprised.  
“I can do everything Rogers!.... You should know that by now!” Natasha teased as she sipped a glass of red wine.  
“Can you do it tonight?...... Even after all the hooch you’ve been drinking?” Bucky asked with a cocked eyebrow as he glanced at her wine glass then back at her indignant huff.   
“You ready to find out?” She quipped back and he smirked with a shrug.  
“She dose a decent job!...... Cut my hair last week.” Hawk eye offered with a nod.  
“Really?....... Well as long as you don’t cut it like that!” Bucky pointed at Barton with an exaggerated expression and received another round of laughter as Hawk Eye fixed him with a mock look of hurt.   
Almost an hour later Bucky was sitting on a chair leaning back and eyes closed with a soft smile curling his lips as The Black Widow massaged shampoo and conditioner into his hair despite having washed it earlier that evening. It was a little past 10 pm and most of the Avenger’s had excused themselves and either retired to their living quarters or in Stark’s case to his lab to tinker. Steve stood in the door way of the bathroom watching the process as Natasha rinsed Bucky’s long locks then dried them with a towel as she sat him forward. Steve laughed as Bucky let out an exaggerated content sigh before looking up at Natasha with gratitude.  
“Forgot how good it felt to have a Dame run her hands through my hair......... You could shave me bald and I wouldn’t complain right now!” Bucky batted his eyes and Natasha chuckled before rolling her eyes and taking a comb to his hair.  
“Steve told us you were a charmer!..... Lines like that and flashing those baby blues,...... your gonna have the gals melting in your hand!” The Widow mused as she smiled at Steve who smirked with a knowing nod.  
“Yup,..... Old silver tonged Bucky Barnes!........ Always knew just what to say!” Steve agreed as he entered the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub, watching as Natasha spun Bucky around to face the mirror.  
“And don’t forget my snazzy dance moves!....... I could dance circles around most fella’s even when I was sauced!” Bucky bragged wiggling his eye brows at Natasha who smirked at him with an amused expression. She leaned over and gabbed the metal scissors but stopped when she caught the sudden flash of panic and fear in his eyes from the reflection in the mirror. She kept the scissors still in one hand and then with her other hand stroked his hair gently.  
“You okay?” She asked softly. Her tone and the sudden shift in body langue alerted Steve who stood up and could also see the anxious terror that shone bright in Bucky’s wide eyes that were fixed on the sharp tool, his breath caught in his throat.  
“Bucky?” Steve asked with his own calm voice as he stepped up closer until he was in front of his friend, blocking the reflection of the scissors. Bucky remained frozen, Gaze fixed on the mirror until Steve brought a hand to his friends face and shifted it until his wide eyes landed on his own. As if broken from a trance Bucky took a shuddering breath and let out a choked sound as he blinked rapidly before rubbing his face with his flesh hand that was shaking like the rest of his body. He took a few steading breaths and then lowered his hand and slowly met the Captain’s concerned gaze with a level of pain and humility that felt like a punch in Steve’s gut.  
“M’sorry.” Bucky mumbled as he looked away from his friend, shifting in the seat, jaw locked.  
“Hey,...... there is nothing to be sorry about Buck!..... It’s okay!,...........” Steve reassured placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. Steve looked at Natasha who had continue to stroke the distressed man’s hair with compassion. “Do you wanna tell us what just happened?” Steve asked softly but was not surprised when Bucky just shook his head, eyes still off to the side.  
“It’s noithin’!” Bucky’s tone was still chocked and his eyes were wet but his breathing had slowed. Steve sighed but nodded, knowing that he had to pick his battles with Bucky and let his friend talk in his own time, aware that if he pushed, Bucky would just shut down completely. It had certainly been the case during the war after he had rescued Buck from the POW camp. Steve remembered how often Bucky had shut him out when ever he pressed him to talk about what had happened, the cause of his friend’s restless nights that ended more often then not with anguished cries as he shook violently from his nightmares.  
“Okay Buck,..... still want your hair cut?” Steve asked as he exchanged a cautious look with Natasha. Bucky nodded and swallowed, keeping his eyes off to the side and wide as he blinked away the threat of tears. Steve sighed and patted Bucky on the shoulder before standing up and moving to stand just behind the both of them so that his reflection was also in the mirror for Bucky to see.  
With carful and slow movement’s the Black widow began to cut away at the long chestnut locks of hair and Bucky closed his eyes, jaw locked as he focused on his breathing and tried to block out the sound of the two blades sliding together. His body continued to shiver, fists clenched and jaw locked. After only a few minutes he opened his eyes and fixed his gaze in the mirror on Steve, pain evident in his blue glossy eyes that seemed to be dilating and contracting back and fourth, matching his uneven breaths. But he remained still and rigid and when Natasha paused he just glanced at her reflection and nodded then back to Steve, using his friend’s concerned face as an anchor.  
Truthfully, Bucky did not know why the sight of the scissors had triggered such an intense reaction but with each clip he felt his heart pounding and sweat was beginning to cover his body, his tremors uncontrollable but not so intense that Natasha was prevented from the task. Bucky was ordering him self to calm down and breath but his body was screaming at him to get up and run for the door. His fists clenched and his jaw was locked so tight it ached as he breathed erratic snorts through his noise. Steve watched his friend with deepening concern until he could hardly stand it. He walked over to Bucky’s side and took his flesh hand in his own rubbing the knuckles.  
“Almost done pal,..... It’s okay,...... Your doing great!” Steve tried to comfort. He looked up at Natasha who suddenly stopped as she cleared the hair from his neck touching upon the Hydra brand that Steve had forgotten about. As her fingers landed on the scared skin Bucky flinched and his body shook with a violent tremor. Steve looked at the brand and his heart sank. He looked back at Natasha who’s face masked the anger that burned in her eyes. She was careful as she continued, finishing the last few snips of the cut that was remarkably similar to his style during the war but not parted and a bit more messy and modern. Steve hid his own reaction and smiled warmly at his best friend who let out a shaking breath as Natasha put away the scissors and brushed the hair away from his shoulders. Bucky swallowed and made an effort to look up at her with a thankful smile despite the slightly crazed look in his eyes. He stood up on shaky legs and examined his hair in the mirror with a nod of approval.  
“Not bad Toots!” Bucky smirked; trying to sound confident but the shaking tone gave him away. Natasha offered a soft smile instead of a smirk at his choice of words.  
“Told ya!” She chided with a gentle pat on his shoulder. He turned around toward Steve with a smile that grew, trying his hardest to be himself even if he wasn’t feeling it.   
“What’dya think Cap?!” Bucky asked with a tremor in his voice he could not hid despite his efforts. Steve looked at his friend with a compassionate smile beneath eyes that held deep concern. He ruffled his friend’s hair and smirked.  
“Looking Good Sgt.!......... The Dames won’t know what hit ‘em!” The Captain offered. Bucky smirked back and then grabbed a hand mirror and brought it up to examine the back of the hair cut. The movement was quick and both Steve and Natasha tensed as they knew what he was about to see. Bucky’s hand stopped in mid feel of his hair, his eyes growing large, and mouth gaping open as a look of horror and anguish swept over his features. With shaking fingers he grazed the raised scare tissue that was Hydra’s brand at the base of his skull, reddened and vivid. Once again his breath caught with a choked sound before a sudden pain filled cry ripped from deep with in his chest as he threw the mirror to the ground in rage before collapsing to his knees on the floor, both hands covering his face as he struggled to contain his desperate grief.  
Steve instantly followed him to the ground and wrapped his arms around his shattered friend, pulling him back away from the shards of mirror covering the floor. Steve was on his knees in front of Bucky taking both hands away from his friends panicked face that looked pale and so broken, contorted with agony as his body violently shook, fighting to control himself but loosing by the second. Bucky was swallowing back the sobs that he kept trap within his clenched jaw, whimpering sounds escaped from his throat. His head was shaking violently side to side as he closed his eyes tight, fists clenched. Steve held onto his flesh hand and used his other hand to hold onto his friend’s face to stop his frantic shaking.  
“Bucky,..... look at me!...... It’s gonna be okay!.... We will find a way to fix it!.....Buck?” Steve’s own voice was desperate and cracked with emotional distress. It took a few choked breaths before Bucky opened his tearful eyes, wounded and pain filled, looking at his friend with deep despair.  
“I.....I.... forgot Steve!...... I forgot that they Branded me!......” Bucky blinked his wet eyes and his expression changed from broken despair to burning rage, his gaze fierce, fists clenched.......” Like cattle!....... Like a fucking animal, they Branded me!...... Told me I was there property,.... That I belonged to them!......” His voice hissed as he stared hard at Steve then down to his clenched metal fist. Just as suddenly his voice cracked again and another choked sob escaped, this time along with a few stray tears that he hastily wiped away with a strangled breath. He looked back up at Steve and the depth of pain in his Safire eyes was all consuming. “Every day Steve,........Every God Damn day they would redo the Brand.... every day...... because I was healing too fast......” He shuddered as another sob broke through his words....... “The scar would fade so they would do it again,,, and again,,, and again..... before it could heal.... so the scar would build up!” His metal fist punched the ground as he repeated himself, shattering the bathroom tiles. His shoulders shuddered again as he collapsed in on him self and fell forward into his friends arms, burring his face in Steve’s chest as he fought to control the emotions that were so raw, they felt like hot daggers in his chest.  
Steve felt his own eyes wet with tears as he wrapped his arms protectively around his friend, wishing he could do anything to stop the onslaught of relived pain and suffering. He looked up at Natasha who met his gaze with compassionate heart break.  
“I’m sorry Bucky!...... I am so, so sorry!...... We’ll figure out a way to fix it!.... I promise pal!....... It will go away!...... No body owns you Buck!...... Your free now!.... Your safe!...... I wont let them get you again!.... I swear to you Buck!..... You will never be in their control again!.......Your safe now!..... I got you!” Steve’s voice held strength despite being choked with his own distraught emotions. His jaw was clenched as he held on to his friends shaking body, trying to offer him his strength and security, whishing he could absorb all of Bucky’s pain and relieve his immense suffering.   
They stayed like that for a while longer and Natasha discreetly excited, giving them privacy. When at last Bucky’s body had calmed and his breathing evened out he slowly pulled away and sat back, letting his legs unfold. Steve did the same and waited patiently for his best friend to look up at him. Bucky at last rose his eyes that where red and puffy with tears. He smirked and shook his head.  
“Look at me over here bawling my eyes out like some punk kid!........ God I am such a mess Stevie!” He chuckled bitterly as he rubbed his face before looking back up at his friend, the mighty Captain America who looked just as wrecked, eyes red as well. He leaned over and wrapped a hand around the back of Steve’s neck and pressed their foreheads together with another soft chuckle. “Don’t you start crying too Cap,..... I am enough of a sniffling baby for the both of us!” Bucky chided.   
Steve sighed as he brought his own hand up to the side of Bucky’s face. Then leaned back and admired his friend with a comforting smile.  
“The hair cut does suite you though Bucky!” Steve offered with a shrug of his shoulders. Bucky shook his head and laughed a bit at him as he used his flesh hand to comb through it.  
“Yhea?...... At least now I don’t look like some deranged mountain man!” Bucky chuckled again. Steve stood up and offered his friend a hand that he took. Standing up once more, Bucky swallowed and looked away again at the broken mirror and floor tiles, shaking his head.  
“Hey!” Steve’s voice demanded attention as he used his hand to gently lift Bucky’s chin, forcing his friend’s distraught gaze to meet his own steady one. “Don’t beat your self up about that...... I already told you Bucky,..... we know this is gonna be hard,....... you got a lot to deal with,.... a lot of bad stuff to recover from and no one here, especially me, thinks you are just gonna be fine and dandy!...... I know you wanna be strong and tough!.... And you are Buck!..... But even tough guys get to cry when they have been through hell!” Steve reassured and Bucky rolled his eyes with huff of a laugh.  
“Yea,....okay Stevie,...... Just don’t go making a big deal about it!..... I don’t want all these super-people thinking I’m some kinda Chicken shit, Crake up!...... I want to feel like me again!..... I need too!” Bucky’s voice turned to steel and determined resolve. Steve nodded with understanding eyes and pulled him into another hug. It was gonna be a hard road toward recovery but Steve couldn’t care less, he was just glad he could finally help his friend after feeling so useless for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: 1930’s and 40’s slang:
> 
> Doll- term for a pretty girl
> 
> Make eyes- flirt with
> 
> Snazzy- sharp, fancy
> 
> Hooch-booze
> 
> Sauced- intoxicated
> 
> Toots - referring to a woman or girl
> 
> Chicken Shit- coward
> 
> Crack up- stressed out


	4. Slightly Mad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know that most people at this point are aware of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), especially if you are aware of the effects of battle on many of the young men and women coming back from War. It was also discussed in CAWS. But just in case here is a definition as Bucky will be experiencing a Flash Back, one of the common symptoms.  
> PTSD : Posttraumatic stress disorder is classified as an anxiety disorder in the DSM IV. In the typical case, the individual with PTSD persistently avoids all thoughts and emotions, and discussion of the stressor event and may experience amnesia for it. However, the event is commonly relived by the individual through intrusive, recurrent recollections, flashbacks, and nightmares  
> There are four types of symptoms of PTSD 
> 
> Reliving the event (also called re-experiencing symptoms)  
> You may have bad memories or nightmares. You even may feel like you're going through the event again. This is called a flashback.
> 
> Avoiding situations that remind you of the event  
> You may try to avoid situations or people that trigger memories of the traumatic event. You may even avoid talking or thinking about the event.
> 
> Negative changes in beliefs and feelings  
> The way you think about yourself and others may change because of the trauma. You may feel fear, guilt, or shame. Or, you may not be interested in activities you used to enjoy. This is another way to avoid memories.
> 
> Feeling keyed up (also called hyperarousal)  
> You may be jittery, or always alert and on the lookout for danger. Or, you may have trouble concentrating or sleeping. This is known

Steve stayed awake with Bucky the rest of the night, keeping his friend company as they reminisced about the good old days when they were still just a couple of kids from Brooklyn. They sat together in Steve’s room sharing a bottle of expensive whiskey as they laughed over days past, recalling people and places long since gone. There were no tears shed in anger or in despair but a few in laughter as Bucky cackled, holding the side of his ribs as Steve just shook his head hiding his face as he recalled the particularly embarrassing memory of his first kiss. A few times Steve would find him self just ginning ear to ear at the sight of Bucky Barnes, back to who he really was, the charismatic charmer with a strong sense of loyalty and devotion to his socially awkward and stupidly brave punk of a friend Stevie. The Captain marveled at the reality that he had been given his best friend back and with him, a renewed sense of self after spending two years lost in a time he was struggling to adapt to.   
Bucky would look up at Steve in those quiet moments and be able to read him like a book, like he always could. He would huff and roll his eyes but smile back, passing the bottle with a steady nod and eyes that communicated how grateful he was to be alive and reunited with Steve, despite the horror that was still simmering beneath his true blue gaze. Together they watched the sun come up over the sparkling city below as they took seats on the balcony, finishing the last of the whiskey. Even though the super soldier serum kept them from getting drunk, they could still feel the pleasant sensation of inebriation, the effects lasting in short burst of ten to fifteen minutes before more alcohol was needed to keep the buzz going.  
Steve yawned as the sun broke free from the horizon and the sky grew lighter with a scattering of clouds. He looked over at Bucky who had his eyes closed, face pointed up at the morning sky with a content smile on his lips, short tuff of hair blowing in the breeze. He looked so much more like Bucky Barnes rather then the Winter Soldier and Steve felt his chest grow tight as he said a silent prayer thanking the powers at be for giving Bucky a second chance at life. The renewed man opened his eyes with a satisfied sigh as he shook his head.  
“Gonna be a beautiful day Stevie!.......For a while I wasn’t sure I’d get to see another one but,........Here we are pal!....... I still don’t understand how or why but,...... here we are!” Bucky chuckled as he ran his hand through his short hair, a lazy gin on his face. He looked over at Steve who nodded but then yawned again, his eyes feeling heavy. He had stayed up most the night before watching over Bucky’s troubled sleep and all of the day until his friend had finally risen after what seemed like an eternity. His exhaustion was becoming evident and the heaviness of his eyes too much to ignore.  
“Common Stevie!........ Time to get some shut eye!..... Can’t have Captain America stumbling around all bleary eyed and sleep deprived!..... What if aliens attack the city.....again..... or some other weird future things happen!” Bucky demanded with raised eye browns as he stood up and offered Steve his hand. The Captain smirked and accepted his help up.   
“The future is now Buck!.......Us old fogies just gotta play catch-up!” Steve muttered as they headed inside.  
“Yea, well so far I ain’t all that impressed with the here and now!...... I mean where the heck are them flying automobiles that Howard promised!...... Gonna ask Tony next time I see him!” Bucky stated with a dramatic and grumpy tone. Steve smiled but inwardly he cringed, hoping Bucky would not talk to Tony about his late father but also not prepared to explain to Bucky why it was a sore subject, not when Bucky was still getting himself back together. Bucky and Howard had actually been better friends during the War then Steve had been with the weapon’s inventor since the Captain was always attending military strategy meetings and conferences while Stark and Bucky would sneak off to go have drinks and flirt with dames. Steve swallowed down the pang of dread he felt, knowing that when Bucky realized he was responsible for Stark and his wife’s death he would be overcome with guilt and remorse. He knew that those feelings would come regardless once he learned just how effective of a weapon he had been for Hydra, but still, the personal connection was bound to hurt all the more.  
“Thanks for the sunrise Stevie!” Bucky smiled as he pat his friend on the back as they parted ways.  
“First of many more Buck!....... You hitting the hay?” The Captain asked trying to sound casual but slightly hesitant to let his recovering friend out of his sight.  
“Nay,.......Been asleep for 70 years!......Gonna walk around this Tower some,.... maybe I’ll even ask that robot voice thingamabob to teach me to use a computer and go on that information-net world-web......” Bucky trailed off with a bashful, embarrassed smirk as Steve couldn’t help but chuckle and shake his head.  
“Sorry Buck,...... it’s just...... it’s kinda how I must’ve sounded when I first came to in this century!........” Steve sighed as they both broke into another small chuckle with empathetic nods. “ The robot voice is called Jarvis, and you can ask him anything!...... And you use a computer to go on the internet also called the World Wide Web or going online........” Steve stopped and laughed again as Bucky dramatically slapped his flesh hand over the right side of his face with an exaggerated huff and roll of his eyes.  
“Jezz Steve!........It’s gonna be like going back to school........ and I hate homework!” Bucky grumbled with a sigh and a smile. He patted his friend on the shoulder then gave him a casual salute. “Captain Rogers!” Bucky grinned in mock formality.  
“Sargent Barnes!” Steve saluted back mimicking his serious tone. Steve watched from the door way as Bucky headed off to explore with his new sense of freedom and the somewhat familiar surroundings. Once Bucky was well out of sight he let his smile falter as he fell back into the bed.  
“Jarvis?” Steve sighed as he rubbed his tired eyes.  
Yes Captain Rogers?   
“Please keep me posted if Bucky needs anything,..... if his heart rate increases to the point of panic or if he becomes violent .........or in distress........ or confused....... or collapses or.......” Steve tried to think of all the possibilities but was interrupted by the AI.  
Sir, I shall notify you promptly if Sargent Barnes is behaving in anyway that is inconsistent or erratic and will monitor his vital signs accordingly.  
Steve let out a breath of relief and closed his eyes. “Thank you Jarvis!” The Captain yawned once more before he finally let sleep over come him.

............................................................................................................................................

Bucky spent most of the morning exploring the various level’s of the tower that he had access to, trying to keep himself busy and distracted from the oppressive sensation that at any moment he would snap back to reality and all of this would just be a dream. For some reason he kept questioning his good fortune and try as he might, could not quite believe that he was safe and with Steve 70 years in the future. To him, it felt like only a few days before he had been locked in a cell of endless misery, only vaguely aware that he was trapped inside his own mind, at times forgetting even that, simply waiting for Zola to come drag him out for more conditioning and experimentation. He had grown steadily in conscious awareness, since the day he heard Steve call his name, distant and echoed off the sides of his barren cell. Even after Hydra had strapped his body back into the chair that ate memories and he was dulled to silence, he had managed to shout his recognition and pound on the metal door of his mental prison when he heard Steve utter those familiar words, “Till the end of the line.” The time since then until waking up in his friend’s arms surrounded by familiar strangers seemed immense and immeasurable.  
Bucky gritted his teeth in irritation and resentment as he knew with out question that the Winter Soldier was still an ever present shadow in his mind, lingering just below his consciousness, an echo of a past that he couldn’t readily recall yet bore the physical and emotional scares of. He felt his flesh hand subconsciously tugging at his short hair,.... the slightly sharp pain honing his senses on the present as he snapped out of his muddled thoughts of reality and self awareness, suddenly looking around with rapidly blinking eyes. He found himself in a library, full of book shelves that contained numerous selections of reading material. Bucky smiled as his fingers grazed the various spines of literature. He round a corner and stopped with a sharp intake of breath as he saw Dr. Banner leaned back in an armchair, glasses perched on his nose as he looked up toward the former Assassin from a medical periodical.  
“Hello Buck,.......How did you sleep?” Banner offered a calm smile, not reacting to Bucky’s slightly crazed demeanor and shocked expression. Bucky exhaled and visibly shivered before he let out a nervous little laugh and rubbed his face.  
“Sorry....” He muttered sheepishly as he shook his head walking toward the good doctor and easing into the chair across from him. “I wasn’t expecting to see anyone,...... still a little Punchy I guess.” Bucky shrugged and avoided eye contact.  
“That’s completely understandable!” Bruce nodded with a soft expression as he closed the medical journal.  
“And I didn’t much feel like sleeping..... Steve and I stayed up till dawn........remembering the good old days.” Bucky’s voice took on a distant tone as his eyes wandered, fixed on nothing and seeing memories that brought a slight smile to his face. Banner watched the man he recognized in physical form and appreciated the conscious mind that had at last reclaimed it’s body and soul.  
“It’s good that you two have each other,....... Helps keep you grounded when someone else has been there and shared your experiences....... I think that is part of the reason Tony likes having the other Avenger’s around, staying in this tower with him......” Bruce mused catching Bucky’s curious eyes. Banner continued after only a slight pause.  
“The events that brought us all together,.... the alien attack on New York,.......... it made us all realize that we were stronger and better together,..... that alone we were vulnerable to our own weaknesses........ For Tony,..... that experience exacerbated his already neglected traumatic past and he began having panic attacks.......He asked me to move in to the tower in part because he wanted someone else around as emotional vulnerable and damaged as he was. Steve, Natasha, Clint, even Sam,..... and the great Thor I suppose as well when he is in our realm,......all carry with them past burden’s that bring nightmares and emotional baggage that they each deal with in their own ways...... But being here, being together,..... it makes it easier to face all the bad,....... both out there,....... and in here.” Bruce tapped his pointer finger at his own mind, before tilting his head as he watched Bucky process what he was telling him. “Try to keep that in mind when you feel like it’s all too much,..... We each are struggling to hold onto who we are and what we have become.” Bruce added and Bucky looked up at the Doctor with pensive eyes that skirted away before nodding his head and swallowing.  
“Have you had breakfast yet?” Bruce asked after a few moment’s of silence. Bucky shrugged, finding his will to speak somehow lacking, the oppressive feeling still ever present even with the reassurances from the man he desperately wanted to believe was real and not a figment of his imagination despite a growing doubt he could not overcome.  
“Well I haven’t...... will you join me?” Bruce smiled and Bucky turned toward him with a brief nod, eyes still carrying the troubled expression he hid better at times then others. Slowly he stood and followed Bruce in silence, mind still drifting from the present to the past, reality and uncertainty.  
As the two men entered the Kitchen, they where greeted by Natasha and Clint who were teasing one another about how to cook eggs. The Black Widow turned and gave them both gentle smiles before elbowing Clint in the stomach as she snatched the spatula away with a huff. Barton winced and grumbled with a sigh of resignation and then turned toward the new comers’ with a nod and rolled eyes.  
“Coffee?” He held up a cup toward them with a questioning look as Bruce took a seat at the kitchen counter and pulled out the chair next to him for Bucky who’s face was in a disconcerted frown, his troubled expression glancing around him with wariness as a creeping, paranoid feeling took over his rational thought. Bruce glanced at Bucky with a slightly concerned look then over to Hawk Eye with a nod about the coffee. The Archer too was watching Barnes with a careful look.  
“Bucky?” Clint spoke again and at the sound of his name James flinched and blinked rapidly taking a step back, jaw locked and fists clenched as his chest began to heave with panicked breaths.  
“Would you like some coffee?” Clint asked slowly as he held up the mug again. His voice was calm and even but also gentle and non threatening. Natasha turned away from the eggs to glance at Bucky who looked ridged, anxiety and fear evident in his large eyes that where becoming dilated. His body shook as he backed away further from the other people in the room, suddenly becoming aware of his complete confusion and disorientation. He looked around with desperate eyes, unable to recognize where he was or who he was with, his mind gripped with distorted thoughts that nothing he was seeing was real. His vision shook and his breathing became fast and shallow as the sound of his own screaming began to echo inside his head. Bucky felt his knees buckle as he brought both hands up to his head and a choked cry escaped his constricted throat.   
Instantly Bruce rose from his seat as Natasha and Clint exchanged looks before turning off the burner’s and locking the drawer that had knives in it. The Doctor took a few slow steps toward Bucky who was now on his knees rocking back and forth, fingers laced in his hair and gripping it as his wide eyes remained glued to the floor, mouth mumbling frantic words that were whispered. As Bruce drew closer he watched as the traumatized man began shaking violently, fear flowing from him as sweat beaded up on his brow.  
“Sargent Barnes,......... can you hear me?” The Doctor lowered his body until he was on his knees before him but jest out of arms reach.  
“It’snotrealit’snotrealit’snotreal” Bucky’s words were slurred together and labored as he hyperventilated.  
“What’s he saying Doc?” Clint asked with caution as he remained behind the counter, a look of concern settled on his face.  
“He’s repeating himself,..... ‘It’s not real’.” Banner sighed as he slowly reached one hand toward Bucky, palm up. James seemed unaware of the hand and kept repeating his frantic mantra as his vision blurred more and his chest ached from the shallow breaths and lack of oxygen.  
“Should we call Steve?” Natasha questioned, unsure if Bucky was apt to become violent.  
I have already alerted Captain Roger’s concerning Sargent Barne’s current state of distress as he has instructed I do when such situations arise.  
“Bucky,.......what’s not real?” Bruce asked, keeping his voice low and soothing. When he received no response he moved forward a little more receiving a fearful glance from panic-stricken eyes. “Bucky?....... can you touch my hand,........ It is real,...... you can feel it.” Bruce offered with a gentle tone. Bucky let out a muffled whimper as his flesh hand shaking, reached forward and gripped the hand before him then let go quickly as he threw him self back, scooting away with a tortured cry of desperation.  
“NONONONONONONONO!......It’s a trick!.........Hydra is here.......... Zola!...... Zola has needles..........messing with my eyes,.......messing with my mind!...... This can’t be real,......I need to wake up!..... Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup........Please... I need to wake up...... need to escape Hydra!” Bucky had began to cry as he curled into a tight ball on the floor, folded over his knees both hands still pulling on his short hair as he gasped for breath between choked sobs. Bruce’s eyes grew and then a sympathetic expression covered his face as he looked upon the Hydra brand on the back of Bucky’s neck now visible with his short hair cut. He looked up at Hawk Eye and the Widow who each carried a deep, compassionate look in their eyes before turning toward the door way as Sam walked in. The Falcon entered the room and his smile dropped the moment he looked over and saw Bucky on the ground shaking as he mumbled between panicked cry’s and desperate gasps.  
“What....?” Sam asked with a calm voice as he slowly crouched down next to Bruce.  
“Don’t know what triggered it but he doesn’t think this is real,....thinks he is still being held captive by Hydra and Dr. Zola’s experimentation is creating this as a hallucination.” Banner gestured to the room at large with a sigh. Sam nodded and began speaking to Bucky with strong, authoritative, but non threatening words.  
“Bucky,....... Sargent James Buchanan Barnes,...... You are in the Avenger’s Tower in New York City,...... The year is 2014 and you have just woken up from 70- years of Hydra captivity.” Bucky was still mumbling to himself but his body trembled violently at the mention of Hydra. “ Bucky,...... look up at me,..... can you meet my eyes?” Sam asked with a firm directive. Bucky choked out another sob as he slowly lifted his head, eyes wide and unfocused, lost in the storm of confusion. Steve bolted in the door and headed strait for his friend, arms out reached and calling his name.  
“NO!..........GET AWAY!” Bucky screamed with desperate fear as his metal arm lashed out and Steve went flying back against the wall breaking the plaster. The terrified man scrambled away into a corner of the room rocking again on his knees, arms wrapped around himself as he began banging his head against the wall with mumbled cry’s. He was repeating his name, rank and serial number through trembling lips, eyes squeezed tight.  
“You okay?” Clint offered a hand to the dazed Captain who nodded and stood up.  
“Steve,.... just stay back alright...... Let me handle this,..... he’s just confused,...... need to bring his back to reality.” Sam reassured as he set a comforting hand on Steve’s chest with a steady and confident nod. Bruce stood up next to Steve and patted his back as they watched Sam close distance toward Bucky with soft, even steps.  
“What happened?...... He was doing fine just a few hours ago?” Steve sigh with a heartbroken gaze locked on his best friend.  
“Not sure Steve,...... But he seemed deep in thought and struggling when he found me in the library this morning....... It’s a lot to take in, waking up like he did after so long,...... he thinks all of this isn’t real.” Bruce explained and Steve rubbed his tired eyes with sad sigh.  
“Bucky,.....Bucky,....... I need you to look at me Sargent!” Sam spoke with a sturdy tone from his kneeling position five feet away. Bucky let out a small anguished cry as he opened his eyes and turned his body sideways as he fell back against the wall, flesh hand gripping his metal bicep pressing himself hard into the corner. His wide, dilated eyes were locked on Sam, still blinking rapidly as his breaths escaped in strangled cries. “Bucky,.... it’s all right,...... your safe,...... Your with friends,...... Steve is here,......... No one here will hurt you,......... You are just confused.” Sam explained. “I need you to focus on your breathing Buck,...... deep breaths,..... in and out.” Bucky struggled to compile as his body continued to shake violently, his breathing accompanied by whimpered sounds of distress. The VA counselor turned toward the others. “Natasha gab me some mint from the fridge, left draw....... Clint,...a pillow...... We need to help him ground him self to the present with sensory stimulation.” Sam instructed. As he was handed the items he scooted closer and rolled the mint in his hands before careful holding it out to Bucky.  
“Bucky, take this mint and hold it up to your noise. Grip this pillow. Tell me what it feels like.” James hesitantly took the items and did as told using only his right, flesh arm, the metal one remaining locked in a ridged fist. He hugged the pillow to his chest and brought the mint to his noise, eye’s focusing and focusing, pupils ever shifting, His knees where pulled up and the tears streamed down his face as he blinked, jaw locked and nostrils flared.  
“What dose the pillow feel like?” Sam asked again and Bucky let out a choked cry as he hugged it closer, eyes squeezing tight again as he wrapped his trembling form around it.  
“S..s...soft.” Bucky spoke with a hushed whisper and another whimpered sob.  
“Good,.... that’s good. “ Sam nodded with a gentle smile. “I want you to put the mint in your mouth Bucky,..... chew it..... focus on what it tastes like, on how it feels.” Sam instructed and without opening his eyes Bucky placed the mint in his mouth and began to chew, as he did his eyes opened, and a slightly less panicked look graced his distraught features.  
“Sargent Barnes,...... Do you know where you are?” Sam asked after a few moments when Bucky’s breathing had evened out slightly.  
“Avengers........tower?......... With Steve?” Bucky’s tone carried uncertainty and doubt, eyes lost and scared, pleading for Sam to tell him he was right. Sam nodded again with a patent smile of confirmation. He looked over and waved at Steve, beckoning him to come join them. With slow, cautious steps Steve knelt down next to Sam, his compassionate and worried blue eyes meeting Bucky’s pain filled gaze.  
“Hey Bucky..... I am right here pal,........ It’s gonna be okay now......” Steve was prepared to continue his reassurances but Bucky let out a heart wrenching cry as he pushed away from the corner and crawled desperately into Steve’s arms that opened up and gladly accepted his friend’s quivering form. Steve held on with gentle firmness, as he felt the tension slowly drain from Bucky’s body, pouring out just as the tears that flooded from his eyes, face pressed against Steve’s shoulder and chest. The others watched with empathetic expressions at the truly wrecked and devastated man who was clutching desperately to Steve as a life saver, a grounding point. After a few minutes and continued words of reassurance from Steve, Bucky pulled back, tears slowing, but his lost and confused expression remaining.  
“Sss..Sss..Steve,..... Tell me this is real!....... Tell me you are real!” Bucky begged, eyes pleading as his voice held the fearful edge of slight insanity.  
“Yes Bucky,..... This is real,........ I am real,..... You are safe,....... You are here with friends,...... the Avenger’s,.......you are free,...... you are never going back to them!” Steve spoke with a strong conviction and was careful to avoid saying Hydra. Bucky’s crazed eyes searched Steve’s face as if looking for some indication that he was untrue,.... some evidence that this current reality was nothing but a dream. After a few more moment’s Bucky’s eyes dropped and he let out a shaky breath, swallowing back the urge to scream, cry and laugh as his body gave into the exhaustion after his hyper vigilant adrenaline rush. He practically collapsed into Steve’s arms with a muffled sigh, eyes glazed and distant as he looked down at the floor.  
“I.... Think I might be losing it Stevie,.......” Bucky croaked, as he wiped away his tears, his body lessening it’s shaking. Steve held his friend in his arms and stroked his short mess of hair that was sticking up all over.  
“Losing what Buck?” Steve asked with a soft, kind voice.  
“My mind.” Bucky answered back with a slight shudder. Steve sigh and hugged his friend tighter then nodded to Sam who had stood up and pointed at the couch. With a gentle push he held Bucky back so that they could see each other’s faces, Steve’s hands planted firmly on his shoulders.  
“It’s okay Buck!...... If you lose your mind,....... I’ll be right here to help you find it again!...... I won’t let you slip away Pal,...... Not gonna let you fall...... Not this time!” Steve swallowed down his own emotional lump in his throat before helping Bucky to his feet. With one arm around his friend’s shoulder he guided him toward the couch and helped him drop down.   
Bucky took his seat with a sigh as he leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees and hands running through his hair. Steve sat next to him and rubbed his back in soothing circles. Doctor Banner approached slowly with a cup of water and Bucky mumbled thank you with out making eye contact, an embarrassed flush of color spreading up his cheeks. He used his flesh hand to hold the water but he was shaking and the liquid was spilling over the brim. Steve used his own hand to steady the cup, helping his friend gulp down the water before setting the cup to the side. After a moment Bucky pulled his legs up and laid down on the couch curled up, his head resting on Steve’s thigh as he blinked his glazed and distant stare strait forward, arms warped around him self, and breathing slow but still trembling. Steve began running his hands through his friends mess of hair and he looked up with tired eyes and a sad but thankful nod as Clint handed him a cup of coffee. The others rejoined in the kitchen where they went about with breakfast and small talk, occasionally glancing toward the two super soldiers on the couch, Steve’s eyes fixed on Bucky and the broken man’s gaze straight ahead, lost with emotional turmoil.


	5. No rest for the wicked

Steve had remained still, stroking his friend’s hair for the better part of an hour until Bucky finally shifted and sat up with a deep sigh. He avoided eye contact and his embarrassment over losing control of himself was painfully evident. Steve decided to leave it alone and instead the two walked over to the kitchen and joined the other’s receiving a plate of eggs, bacon and toast. The conversation was light and other then a pat on the back from Sam that received a shuddered flinch followed by a muttered sorry with a timid smirk, Bucky ate silently, and kept his eyes on his food.  
After they finished eating, Natasha took Bucky by the hand and lead him back to the couch where she placed a laptop in his hands and began explaining how to use it. Steve watched from the Kitchen and felt a sense of relief as after a little while Natasha’s amused banter with the technically challenged WWII vet managed to elicit a smile from Barnes and eventually a few small laughs as he struggled to use the mouse and key board. It took some time but eventually Bucky was immersed with the online world and the tremendous amount of information it offered, his earlier break down set aside as he practiced looking things up, reading articles, watching video clips and pictures all the while deliberately avoiding anything related to Hydra or the War.  
By mid afternoon he was actually excited in his banter with the other Avenger’s and Steve, remarking about what he had learned and asking questions about their thoughts and opinions, gaining further insight from their first hand knowledge. Stark had joined them, eyes blood shot and a cup of espresso in his hand as he smirked and added wise cracks when ever he could which Bucky seemed to rise to, enjoying a similar style of discourse with Tony as he had with Howard. Steve was glad that Bucky could pull himself back from such an intense episode but he also knew that Bucky was trying hard to keep himself engaged and distracted from whatever else was going on in his head. Steve caught Sam’s eye and received a knowing look and expression that communicated he too was aware of Bucky’s deliberate attempts to keep himself upbeat and socially engaged.  
A day passed, then two and three with Bucky exploring the Internet and looking up everything he could. At night, when the others were asleep was when he looked up the personal archive about himself and Steve, watching documentaries and marveling at the face of his mother, eyes sad but proud as she talked about her two boys. He had cried often but always made sure to stop well before morning so that his eyes were dry and his smile bright and cheerful by the time the others had woken up.   
On the third morning Bucky was the first one in the kitchen, whipping up a large 1930’s style breakfast of baked beans, fried eggs, toast, bacon and sausage, hash browns and cheese smothered tomatoes. He clapped his hands and did a little bow when Steve and the others entered the common area shortly after being informed by Jarvis that Bucky had formally requested their presence for breakfast. Even Stark showed up, a few minutes late and grumbling as he rubbed his eyes. However, his frown at the early morning wake up call was shortly replaced by a startled smile as Bucky placed a full plate of food in his hands and a hot cup of black coffee.   
The Sgt. offered them easy grins and nods as they ate and complimented his cooking, all the while attempting to cover up the emotional chaos that was boiling just below the surface of his tired eyes. Bucky knew despite the continued reassurances, that his presence in the tower had already been a huge burden even before he had awoken, when the Soldier was still in control of his body. He wanted desperately to prove his value and worth, still hiding the paranoid fear that this was all too good to be true.  
When he became physically restless or tired he would head to the gym and the pool. There Steve had introduced him to the 700 lb punching bag that had already seen some ware and tare. Bucky had hit it only occasionally and stopped when ever he felt familiar emotions bubbling up inside him accompanied by flashes of violent memory that he wasn’t yet ready to confront. The weights were a good release of his pent-up energy or restlessness and Steve was always happy to spot him, the two taking turns and cracking jokes. He had also watched numerous movies with Steve and countless documentaries, sitting wide eyed on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, drinking coffee and taking notes in a notebook of things he knew he should remember to be socially and politically aware as well as culturally relevant with the times.   
By the fourth day Bucky had already started to complain about only wearing work out or lounge clothing and told Steve that he felt like a dew dropper, receiving questioning expression’s from the other Avenger’s as he explained the meaning of the 1940’s slang to be a man who had no job and slept all day. That evening, Natasha had brought him several men’s magazines and voiced her opinion of the various fashions. She had carefully pointed out the trend of wearing scarves and how it would conceal his neck. She offered him a gentle smile when he realized her point, his hand jumping back to the brand mark as he swallowed and nodded, jaw locked and eyes blinking as he refocused on the magazine. She declared that as soon as Pepper was back in town they would take him and Steve shopping. She then whispered to Bucky how the Captain could use some updating in the wardrobe department as well. Bucky had laughed and nodded, agreeing with a smirk as Steve had stared at them from across the room with suspicious eyes.  
In the mornings, Steve never found Bucky in his bedroom but instead attempting to do yoga with Natasha, followed by breakfast then a game of chest with Bruce. After lunch, he would get goaded into video games with Clint who mercilessly teased him at how slow he was on his controller, resulting in occasional pouting and frustration from Barnes who would simply dismiss the games as a waste of time as he headed for the gym. He laughed at jokes, made some in return and wore smiles that weren’t completely forced. He also offered random facts he had just learned, telling Sam one morning with a very earnest expression that he was sorry on behalf of the ignorant and bigoted white men from his generation that it took so long for African American’s to be given their civil rights. Sam had nodded with an amused smile and voiced his appreciation.   
At dinner that evening with a hyper tone that indicated he was binging on caffeine, dark circles beginning to form under his sleepless eyes, Bucky had voiced his disappointment about the lack of flying cars, pointing at Stark with his fork and a mouth full of food as he stated emphatically that Howard had said it would happen within a few years after the war. Steve had tensed and looked up at Tony as did the other’s wondering how he would respond to the comment, his feelings still raw when it came to his parents and the Soldier’s hand in their death. To his credit, Stark’s mouth only twitched slightly, eyebrows knitted as he breathed out through his noise and then took a long drink of his bourbon.  
“Well Bucky,..... Unfortunately, after the War my father switched his focus to weapons as the arms race with the Soviet Union took off and the threat of nuclear war seemed a bit more pressing then flying Cadillac’s....... However...... I do have a garage filled with customized automobiles and it would be my great pleasure to show them off.” Stark responded with a thin smile, eyes dark with anger but kept in check with empathetic understanding.   
Bucky studied the man’s expression, aware there was conflicting emotions in Stark’s eyes and somewhat stressed tone but simply smiled and nodded with a “Thanks Tony!...That would be swell!” His usage of the old slang receiving smirks from Hawk Eye and the Widow ushering in a new wave of jokes and teasing with Bucky dismissing them with his own sarcastic retorts. Steve offered Stark a small, apologetic smile which the mechanic simply waved off but hastily got up and poured another drink as he rolled his shoulders, jaw locked and tense.  
After dinner, Steve and Sam followed Tony and Bucky down to his garage and exchanged amused looks as Bucky listened with full attention as Stark, slightly inebriated, went about explaining the evolution of car mechanics over the 20th century. When the genius engineer opened his garage door and flicked on the lights Bucky’s jaw dropped, eyes wide as he gripped his hair. Steve looked at him with concern but then relaxed into a smile as he realized the difference between last time he was gripping his hair.  
“Sargent Barne’s welcome to candy land!” Tony waved his hand that held the drink, an amused smirk on his face. Bucky clapped his hands together and let out a loud laugh of disbelieve as his gaze wander over the thirty or so custom sports cars, waxed and polished to pristine. With a grin so wide his face with practically split in two, Bucky urgently smacked Steve on the back with excitement as his tone and demeanor became that of a twelve year old boy.  
“Hot Damn Stevie!...... You seeing this!...... Look at all these spiffy Hotrods!..... Ain’t never seen nothing like it!” Bucky was jittery with excitement as he turned toward Stark with eyes that begged to touch.  
“Go ahead Bucky my boy!...... They’re unlocked, pop the hoods, keys are in the ignition, reeve the engines and all that.....Knock your self out motor head!” Stark tried to act nonchalant but Bucky’s tremendous excitement and enthusiasm actually tugged at his heart and he smiled softly as the former Soldier gripped his arm with an amazed expression, pulling him into a hug and repeating ‘Thank You’, until Stark actually pushed him away with a dramatic huff.   
“Yea, yea,..... get out of here,.... go play!” Stark rolled his eyes and Barnes was off, sprinting around the room in glee, a look of shear joy and genuine excitement on his face.  
“Told ya he would flip his lid when he saw your garage...... Always swore that when the war was over he was gonna get Howard to build him his very own custom flying Cadillac convertible!” Steve smirked standing between Tony and Sam as the three watched Bucky bounce around the room.  
“Lemme guess,...... fire engine red?” Sam asked with a huffed laugh.  
“No actually, he wanted it sky blue,..... not really common in our day but,.... he said it would go with his eyes!” Steve chuckled.  
“Well,.... once he’s a little more stable,..... we should take him out to the race track,..... let him drive some of these babies around...... We could make a whole day of it,..... Bet the incredible Banner, the fem. fatal and Robin hood would enjoy it too!” Stark mused as his eyes watched Bucky with a mixture of emotion before chuckling as Barnes turned toward them with two thumbs up and a cheesy grin.  
“He has been doing pretty well all things considering.” Sam spoke with optimism.  
“Yea but he’s been jacked up on coffee and hasn’t slept a wink since he woke up four nights ago.” Steve sighed, brow knit in concern.  
“Yea,...... I do that from time to time...... Eventually he will crash,.... sleep for like 20 hours.” Stark offered.  
“Well,..... not to sound judgmental Tony,.... But that is not at all a healthy sleep schedule for you or for him.” Sam voiced and then turned toward Steve. “Have you asked him why he hasn’t slept?” Steve shrugged with another sigh.  
“Keeps saying he was asleep for 70 years,..... that he’s not tired,.... Then,... when I push him he gets edgy, tells me to stop being a momma hen and to relax.” Steve swallowed, his worry turning his smile sour.  
“Well it sounds like he’s avoiding sleep, probably afraid of the nightmares...... but if he stays this wired then he might have another melt down from sleep deprivation where he breaks from reality and instead of dreaming, starts to hallucinate while awake!....... Surprised he hasn’t had another flash back yet!” Sam mused.  
“We could sedate him,.... force him to go night night...... Probably wouldn’t appreciate that too much!” Tony offered and Steve huffed.  
“I would rather not drug him against his will,....seeing as that was just one of many ways Hydra controlled him,....... But....” Steve sighed again as he shook his head with a small hopeless smile as he watched his best friend call out to him and point to a particularly spruced up purple car with the enguin on the outside. “Yea Buck,...... Kinda like the one your dad built for that weird, old, rich guy from upstate!” Steve chuckled in agreement as Bucky nodded and ran his hands over the car, a gleam of nostalgia in his eyes.  
“I know you don’t want to set him off,.... but I think we need to bring it up tonight if he tries to stay up again...... Super Soldier or not he needs sleep,..... and I will back you up if you want.” Sam offered. Steve sighed and nodded as they watched Bucky eww and ahh.

.................................................................................................................................  
It was almost eleven at night and most of the Avenger’s had retired to their private living quarters. Sam had spoke with Banner who would be on stand by if they needed him to sedate Bucky. The VA counselor was standing, leaning against the door frame as he made eye contact with Steve who was sitting next to Bucky. Steve nodded and turned to his friend who’s eyes were heavy, dark circles framing his exhausted gaze as he blinked awake when he realized the credits where rolling. He looked up at Steve with a casual smile then over to Sam who walked over and sat down on a chair to his left.  
“Good movie?” Sam asked and Bucky nodded.  
“Kinda slow but nice at the end,.... I think you would call it a .....’Chick Flick’?” Bucky asked and received a soft chuckle from Sam who nodded, Before wagging a finger at Steve.  
“Those seem to be his favorite!” Sam mused and Bucky fixed Steve with a raised eyebrow. Steve huffed but then smiled and shrugged.  
“I like the character development,..... and the happy ending,..... my life has enough drama and action in it,..... I just wanna see two people find each other and be happy!” Steve offered and shoved Bucky who rolled his eyes.   
“Course you do Stevie!....... You deserve happy endings pal!” Bucky smirked but his eyes were earnest as he thought back on Peggy and on Steve’s hopeless romantic side that never seemed to get the dames attentions before the war.  
“Think it’s about time to get some sleep!” Sam yawned and stretched, glancing at Steve.  
“Yea,.... let’s go catch some Zzzz’s Bucky!” Steve tried to sound casual but failed as usual, acting not his best quality.  
Bucky looked at him questionably, then to Sam with suspicious eyes. He offered a small smile and shook his head.  
“I’ll see you guys in the morning,....... got some catching up to do!” Bucky gestured toward the laptop, his tone was deliberate and light, but held a wariness to it.  
“Bucky,.....” Steve’s voice became plaintive and instantly his friend sat upright, eyes narrowed. “You need to get some sleep pal!...... You have been awake for going on four days!” Steve tried to sound gentle and non-confrontational but Bucky was immediately on the defense.  
“So!....... We went days at a time during the war,...... on army rations and tar coffee,..... I feel fine Steve!” Bucky stood up and paced away shaking his head. His sudden reaction and the tension in his posture alerted both Steve and Sam that convincing him was gonna be a fight.  
“Bucky,...... why don’t you want to sleep?” Sam asked with a gentle, non-judgmental tone, eyes patient as he sat back in the chair watching Bucky’s anxiety increase.  
“I’m not tired Sam,.... Been asleep for 70 years!” Bucky argued but he knew that explanation was wearing thin. He ran his hands through his hair and huffed in annoyance as Steve and Sam exchanged looks.  
“Sleep is important for your physical and mental well being Sargent...... You look exhausted and on edge,...... we want to help you, make sure your healthy and recovering, but if you don’t sleep you are vulnerable to delirium and possibly another break from reality.” Sam stated his concern in black and white, understanding that being direct with Bucky would cut out some of the posturing and denial. Bucky locked his jaw and looked away with a frustrated grunt as he began pacing, fists clenched as he shook his head with defiance.  
“No,.....I will sleep when I am ready!” Bucky spat sounding like an indignant child. Steve sighed and stood up.   
“Bucky..... Stop it!.....” Steve sighed and was taken back when his friend snapped at him.  
“No! You stop it Steve!....... You can’t order me to go to sleep!.....Your not in charge of me Captain America!..... I get to choose!..... My Choice!...... And I will go to sleep when I am God Damn ready!” Bucky shouted, his emotions running high as his body shook once again with adrenalin, anger and humility evident in his terrified eyes. He turned away from them with a huff and wrapped his arms around his chest, suddenly feeling cold as he blinked rapidly. Steve looked at Sam then walked over toward his friend stopping a few feet behind him as he saw Bucky’s body go ridged with tension, a single tremor raking through him.  
“Buck,.... common,..... level with me Pal,..... what do you think is going to happen if you fall asleep?” Steve asked with a soft, understanding tone. Bucky remained silent for a time breathing heavy before his shoulder’s finally sagged and he turned to face his friend, a look of shame and fear masking his handsome face.  
“I....... I don’t want to go back....... I don’t want to see,.... to feel,......” He shook his head and his jaw locked as he turned away again, wiping the threat of tears from his eyes.  
“Bucky?” Steve took a few steps forward and set a hand on his friend’s shoulder receiving another shudder. Bucky would not turn to face him, could not.  
“I still can’t believe that this is all real,....... and when I close my eyes,...... even for just a moment,.......” His voice broke and he warped his arms tighter around himself. Steve drew closer until he was standing in front of his friend, using one hand to lift his chin. Steve’s own loving gaze looked forlorn at his friends unspeakable fear and the humility that burned him, fueling a desperate anger tempered only by his exhaustion and hopeless despair.  
“Bucky,....... I know you don’t want to dream about Hydra,...... that the nightmares with tear you apart,..... But I promise, it will only be a dream,.... nothing more,..... and when you wake up, I will be there,...... This is real!,..... I am real!” Steve took Bucky’s flesh hand and pressed it to his own face. Bucky’s bottom lip trembled as he looked away from Steve fighting to keep back the tears. Steve wrapped a hand around his neck, covering the Hydra brand with a gentle touch as he pulled him in close, Bucky’s forehead on his shoulder.  
“I’m sorry I am such a coward Steve,......... I wish I could be brave.....” Bucky mumbled a hushed whisper, feeling pathetic and ashamed. Steve hugged him tight and his voice was stern.  
“You are not a coward Sargent James Buchanan Barnes!...... You are a war hero and a man who has survived hell on earth!” Steve pulled back, one hand on each side of Bucky’s face. He waited until his friend begrudgingly met his eyes. “ You are one of the bravest men I have ever known!..... You helped me fight against more bullies then I can count and had my back through out the War!...... I would be dead ten times already If you hadn’t stuck your neck out for me when I needed it,... when I had nobody else,... when I was nothing and I had nothing..... I had you!...... Please Bucky!...... Please let me help you fight these demons,...... no matter how bad this gets,...... I am with you Pal,.... till the end of the line!” Steve’s voice was strong, reassuring as he saw the glimmer of hope in his friends resolute gaze. Bucky let out a quivered breath, blinking back the tears that he refused to let fall. He nodded his head and hugged his friend back, feeling stronger with Captain America at his side.  
“Thanks Punk!” Bucky breathed out with a shuddered laugh. Steve stepped back with a gentle smile squeezing Bucky’s flesh shoulder.  
“No problem Jerk!” Steve offered with a reassuring nod. Sam gave them both a nod and excused himself glad that he could tell Banner to stand down on the sedative and hopping that Bucky could get some rest and that Steve could be there when the nightmares` started.


	6. Nightmeres

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The brand on his neck will get addressed just not for a bit. Anyhoo, love input and questions from you fine readers!!!!

Steve had offered to share his bed with Bucky, as a way to try and keep the nightmares from taking hold. Bucky had rolled his eyes and shook his head, mumbling that they weren’t kids anymore and even through he loved Steve, The Captain wasn’t really his type, now Natasha on the other hand.... They had said their good nights and it wasn’t until Bucky was under his one thick comforter, nestled in the soft cloud of a bed that he felt the darkness and silence take hold. Bucky was beyond tired, his eyes closing and body feeling heavy but his mind, that was another matter. His thoughts were racing and try as he might he could not slow them down. Instead he tried to focus on the memories that made him smile, found memories of his mother and father but even those filled him with a sad longing and despair at all the years he had lost. With a heavy sigh, Bucky succumbed to sleep, but his rest was far from peaceful.  
He was in darkness and suffocating cold, his bones rattling as his body shivered violently. Then there was bright light, and voices barking Russian orders as he was dragged from the cryo tank, legs unresponsive. He was dumped on a metal table under the bright light, naked and exposed, his body trembling with cold numbness as sensation slowly crept into his awareness. He was choking on the melted ice that was thawing in his lungs as rough hands pinned him to the table and forced his mouth open, a tube inserted crudely down his throat. He coughed and struggled, his one remaining arm lashing out only to be held down as a needle plunged into his vain. Instantly his blood felt hot within his frozen skin and his muscles were numb and useless. He was unable to move with any coordination as he withered on the table and choked as the tube pumped the excess remains of the cryofreez from his chest cavity. Bucky’s eyes where held open by latex fingers that did not care how badly the bright light stung his pupils, vision blurring in and out. There were so many hands on him, rough and unyielding, taking measurements and calculations. Cold eyes, pierced his soul with a dehumanizing gaze as his body became more aware of the defrosting, the numb, biting cold stinging his flesh like a thousand fire ants, itching and burning. He was being strapped down and another needle appeared, the six inch syringe plunged into the torn flesh of his left arm, piercing his nerves and into the bone marrow with excruciating pain.  
Steve bolted up right as he heard Bucky scream, the sound of shear agony piercing the still silence of the early morning hours. Instantly the Captain was on his feet and through the door, falling to his knees beside his tormented friend who’s body was contorted, choking sounds escaping his throat as his face twisted in indescribable pain. Steve reacted quickly as he grabbed his best friend and pulled him up right, shaking him with loud, commands.  
“Bucky wake up!..... It’s just a dream,... wake up!....Your safe!” He was rewarded when two large blue eyes blinked open with desperate pain and fear, pushing away from Steve as he franticly scanned the surroundings, his body continuing to shiver, panicked whimpers escaping through chattering teeth. “Bucky!.... I got you!......It’s okay,....... I got you pal!” Steve pulled him forward and was alarmed at how cold his friend’s temperature was. Bucky’s eyes were still wide and frantic as he began to suck in air with desperate gulps all the while shivering uncontrollably, noises of pained distress and confusion ripping threw him in choked sobs as tears rolled down his face. Steve hastily wrapped him in the comforter and held him close as he felt Bucky’s forehead with growing concern, watching his friend’s pale lips tremble over chattered teeth. Bucky’s skin was cold and clammy with sweat, his body shivering as if he was naked in a snow storm. Steve wrapped his own body around his friend, offering heat as he used one hand on Bucky’s face to direct his attention. The wet blue eyes that met the Captain’s were still dilated and glazed, not recognizing Steve, filled with anxiety and confusion.  
“Bucky,........can you hear my voice?” Steve’s own words were brimming with emotion as he tried to keep his tone calm but loud enough to be heard over his friends trembled cries   
“C...c..c.cold!” Bucky’s voice was stuttered and barley above a whisper. He blinked his eyes a few times and slowly recognition seeped into his gaze followed by a new flood of tears as he squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face in Steve’s warm neck, still shivering. “Sss..ss.Steve,....... sssooo.... c..c..cold!” Bucky whimpered and Steve held him even tighter with a sigh of heartache.  
“Jarvis,.... please raise the temperature in the room up 10 degrees.” Steve asked the AI. Steve held onto Bucky, stroking the back of his friends hair as he let him calm down, the shivering becoming less violent as his sobs lessened. After a while he felt Bucky pull away slightly, still cradled in Steve’s arms but with enough space that the Captain could look down at his friend’s exhausted face. Bucky’s eyes were puffy and red and he blinked away the remaining tears, gaze looking off to the side, jaw locked and brow knit in thought. His body still shivered but only slightly.  
“You warming up Buck?” Steve asked gently as he looked down at his friend with compassion. Bucky swallowed and nodded, still not meeting Steve’s eyes. There was a slight tension between them as Bucky’s frustration at his perceived weakness turned in his gut, a sense of self-loathing evident in his scowl. Yet despite the resentment he felt about his vulnerability he did not pull away, needing Steve’s strong arms and warmth to ground him and help him feel safe.  
“What was the nightmare Buck?” Steve asked softly as he shifted his body slightly, keeping his arms around his friend. Bucky’s eyes fluttered up toward Steve, narrow and full of anger as he swallowed and looked away.  
“The first time they took me out of Cryo-freeze,...... before the........ conditioning started,.... before the chair.........” He swallowed again with a shiver and rolled to his side away from Steve. The Captain slowly shifted again lying down next to him, his chest pressed against Bucky’s back as he wrapped his arm around him pulling him in close. Bucky was cocooned in the comforter with Steve wrapped around him and despite the comfort and reassurance, his battered pride resisted regardless of his ache and need.  
“Steve......” Bucky let out a huff of protest.  
“Shhh,.... Just rest,.....” Steve ordered. “I will sleep better if I know your safe!” He added as an after thought, aware of Bucky’s need to be strong and independent despite his fragile state. Bucky snorted, knowing Steve was just saying it to placate him but he was too tired and emotionally depleted to argue, closing his eyes as he nestled into the blanket and focused on the even breaths and steady heart beat of his best friend who held him close.  
............................................................................................................................................  
The next several days went on as they had before, with Bucky steadily gaining more confidence around his new friends and Steve thanking the stares and heaven’s for returning his best friend. Upon request, Bucky had been given a small work area in Stark’s lab to play with engine parts and put together his own motor cycle with the idea that he and Steve would go on a road trip in the spring to explore the new America. It was Bucky’s idea and the other’s offered no resistance despite uncertainty if the plan was feasible or not with growing media speculation concerning the exposure of Hydra and the mysterious terrorist assassin known as the Winter Soldier.   
The Avenger’s had not watched the news when Bucky was around, knowing that the footage of project insight and the phone video’s captured by eye witnesses of the Winter Soldier’s attack on Fury’s SUV and his fight with Steve, Natasha and Sam on the overpass and city streets would undoubtedly unravel the recovering POW and plague him with the burden of guilt he was not yet ready to deal with. Agent Hill had been in touch with Stark, warning that it was only a matter of time before the major news organizations began to speculate as to why the Avenger’s Tower had remained closed to the public for going on three months, and why Captain America had been unresponsive to the media’s demand for interviews. It was a subject that Steve had dismissed outright, tired of placating other’s when all he cared about was helping his best friend recover, yet it was a pressing matter that sooner or later would have to be addressed. The Avenger’s knew that eventually Bucky would grow restless and want to venture outside the tower, taking in the modern world. The need to support his renewed sense of freedom while protecting him from the animosity and public outcry for justice against the former assassin was a task none of them looked forward to.  
While Bucky’s days had been calm with only occasional moment’s of tension when an intrusive thought clouded his mind, his nights were still consumed with fear and misery as he continued to relive traumatic cruelty that woke him night after night in a cold sweat. He would find himself trembling and trying not to cry as Steve patiently coaxed him back to the present and away from his agonizing past, arms wrapped around him, and calm words of reassurance lulling he back to sleep. Buck insisted each night on sleeping separately but by morning he was never alone, held close in Steve’s arms, sometimes in his own bed and other times in Steve’s if his sheets were drenched in sweat or on one occasion vomit.   
Some nights it was easy to calm the vet down and bring him back to reality, Bucky blinking away the fragments of nightmare with a shaky breath, rubbing his face as he looked up at Steve with a slightly sheepish expression before letting his friend embrace him as they both fell back to sleep. Other nights the dream’s were more toxic and the delusion more real and hard to shake. Bucky would lash out, fighting against Steve as he desperately tried to escape, crawling to the other side of the room and mumbling as he rocked or simply falling to pieces in his friend’s arms as he shook uncontrollably, sobbing and hyperventilating. On the night he had gotten sick it had taken almost an hour for Steve to bring him out of his violent panic, both of them covered in tears and sweat and vomit and Bucky feeling utterly mortified and suffocated with shame. Steve simply ignored Bucky’s trembling apologies and brought his unsteady and shaking friend into the bathroom were he filled up the tub with warm soapy water, removing the soiled clothing before helping the lost and broken man climb in. Steve had in turn opted for the shower and when he was rinsed off and got dry, he put on fresh cloths and helped Bucky do the same, patiently assisting his friend who seemed to be still absorbed in the heinous memories and mostly unresponsive to Steve’s questions as he flinched at each gentle touch, eyes unfocused and distant as he swayed on unsteady legs, body trembling.  
A few of the nights when Steve asked Bucky about the nightmares, the former Hydra weapon had responded with vague depictions of some horrific torture or the hopeless and desperate fear that he had been recaptured and Steve was truly dead. On the worse nights, when speech seemed impossible and Bucky’s torment unrelenting, he simply shook his head when asked about the dream. The next morning he would reply that he didn’t remember, a lie that the Captain did not push as the tremendous fear and debilitating shame in his friends eyes communicated all he needed to know. The other Avenger’s were aware of the nightmares but did not pry, understanding that Bucky’s sense of dignity required that he mask his pain and present himself as he desperately whished them to see him, as Sargent James Buchannan Barnes and not the shattered and emotionally devastated ruin of a man that Hydra’s conditioning had reduced him to.   
Sam had begun asking Bucky to participate in Therapy, a process that was always met with silence, Bucky sitting on the couch in Sam’s new office space, clutching a pillow as he withdrew into himself before leaving to go work out and blow of steam, still unwilling to vocalize his thoughts and feelings. Sam was patient and understood that Bucky needed time but also reminded the WWII vet that keeping the trauma bottled up inside would only make it harder for the wounds to heal. Bucky knew Sam meant well but tried to explain that in his day men just dealt with what ever happened and didn’t talk about it. That expressing feelings of vulnerability was not a quality that men embraced. Sam had addressed his resistance by showing him documentaries about PTSD and other Veteran’s first hand accounts from his war as well as the more recent ones. Although the Sargent was receptive to the information and said he would try to open up, when faced with the question’s or the space to voice his thoughts and feelings, he found he couldn’t respond and ended each session with a muttered apology as Sam assured him it was okay and he would be there when he was ready.  
The relaxed and easy going routine of the days helped Bucky feel comfortable and his unease during the waking hours had all but diminished outwardly. For that reason, it took them all by surprise when the Sargent was once more gripped by a flash back, the first one in almost two weeks since waking up, forcing him to confront a memory that was not his own and the desperate state of confusion it left him in.


	7. Maggots and Worms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is RATED M because of disturbing imagery and grossness during a Flash back. Might be a little unsettling or disgustingly nauseating but if you have ever watched the Walking Dead or anything more gory then its on par. Also mention of self-harm. You have been warned!

It was around lunchtime when Bucky and Steve had entered the common area after a rigorous work out and showers. Bucky was excitedly talking about all of his new cloths that Natasha and Pepper had helped him pick out the day before. Steve had gone along as well although he had been less excited. Pepper had arranged for private shopping from some of New York’s most vintage designers who would never refuse accepting the patronage of any of Mr. Stark’s associates. Most of the wardrobe was jeans and slakes that where not really the fashions of the 30’s or 40’s but more the 50’s and in Bucky’s opinion incredibly cool. They had found him a selection of T-Shirts, flannel shirts, collard shirts, a few different pairs of boots and loafers, two hand tailored suites, and a few different leather jackets, one that was Blue and reminded Bucky of his favorite uniform coat during the War. Natasha had also picked out a few pairs of gloves that comfortably fit over his metal hand and scarves that he could ware casually around his neck, loosely but enough to cover up the Hydra Brand. Bruce was in the process of cloning skin graphs in his lab to preform the plastic surgery while Bucky had to reluctantly wait, eager to make the heinous marking disappear for good.   
Even with the private shopping trip at around 11 pm and the baggy hoddie Bucky had worn to disguise himself, there had still been a few flashes of camera’s as they left the limo and went into the closed stores. It had put Steve and Natasha on edge but they kept it to themselves, not wanting to ruin the mood as Bucky excitedly picked out different outfits and received praise from Pepper for his good fashion sense. With some coaxing, Steve too had gotten a few new clothes as had the ladies, the limo almost cramped with shopping bags by the time they headed back for the tower, an ecstatic grin plastered on Bucky’s face and a gleam in his eyes as he talked out going out drinking and dancing, sharing stories of the good old days with the amused ladies as Steve rolled his eyes.  
The conversation was much the same at the kitchen counter that afternoon and there was laughter as Clint teased Bucky about his enthusiasm to go cloths shopping, something the Archer avoided at all costs, usually letting Natasha pick out cloths for him. Bucky fired back that he would make sure not to gloat too much when they went out and all the dames came calling. Stark had emerged from his work space after Pepper threatened to have Jarvis turn off the power in his lab if he didn’t come up for lunch. Sam entered around the same time with Bruce, both having been in private consultation about how to help the former Winter Soldier open up to the therapeutic process, Banner having had experienced his own difficulty dealing with PTSD and disjointed memories from the ‘other guy’s’ episodes of uncontrolled rage and violence.  
As no one had been out to the grocery store in quite some time, Pepper had order Chinese take out and she was dolling out scoops of noddle’s and rice, chicken, beef and duck onto all of the plates as Steve handed them out to the gathered Avengers. Everyone was engaged in different conversations, smiling and laughing or commenting on whatever the two scientists of the Avenger’s had been working. No one saw it coming, especially not Bucky when without warning he was gripped by a volatile flashback that tore through him with the force of a speeding train.  
Bucky had just rolled his eyes at something Clint had said before thanking Steve for his plate of food, picking up his fork when suddenly his body froze, his breath catching and eyes growing wide. He let out a choked sound, as the plate in front of him became a lifeless corpse, dead eyes and open mouth covered in worms and maggots, crawling and wriggling around. Bucky gasped and flew back in his chair knocking his own plate and Steve’s into the air, the noodles, rice and sauce cover meat falling upon him as he landed on the ground. His eyes were dilated, heart racing and breathing spastic as he scooted back, legs flaying, crying out in hysteric shouts and animalistic growls as he began clawing at his chest and flesh arm, ripping the shirt and his tender skin beneath it with his metal fingers.   
………………………………………………………………………………………………  
The Soldier was breathing rapidly through his face mask, the stench overpowering, eyes wide in shock and revulsion as he franticly wiped at the worms and maggots and bloody chunks of rotten flesh that covered his body. He was in a large ditch of dead bodies, his handy work from a mission in Moldova. He had been punished for failing to recover a disk of important information, bringing back an empty replica instead. After his painful lesson that left him with cuts and a few open soars, he was brought back to the ditch he had dug and filled with the dead body’s of his targets and the collateral damage. They had been rotting in the sun for almost a week by that point since extraction from the mission had taken longer then expected.   
Sectary Peirce had been furious when he realized the Soldier had retrieved the wrong disk and that he had to send the strike team back to the desolate area to recover it from one of the other corpses. The Soldier had accepted his punishment and was following orders, digging through the mound of decaying bodies in the early morning light, covered in the remains of the human waste and the organisms that feasted on their flesh. He had remained composed and focused, ignoring the nauseating odor and the contracting of his stomach muscles as he held back his urge to vomit. The worms and maggots were covering him like the rancid blood and human meat. Despite his tactical gear he felt them wriggling into his boots, gloves, up his sleeves, and down his neck. He felt a rising sense of discomfort and concern but remained focused on the task at hand until he felt the squirm of maggots beneath the bandages of his healing wounds, burrowing into his skin. He felt sick and panicked and he began hyperventilating and clawing at his gear, cries of desperation escaping through the suffocating mask as he dry heaved. Around him there was shouting and he felt arms pulling him up from the pit of death and ordering him to stop. He could not follow the command as he franticly clawed at the bandaged area’s of his body that were hidden under bulletproof gear, unable to breath through the mask, eyes wide with alarm.   
One man, the Captain of the Strike team, Rumlow, pushed the other Hydra agents aside and knelt down in front of the Soldier pulling the mask from his face just as the Asset fell forward and began dry heaving, still crying out with guttural, animalistic sounds as he struggled for breath, trying to rip off his gear. Rumlow struck him in the face hard and ordered him to stay still while he hastily began removing the Soldier’s gear, shouting over his shoulder for the other’s to help. There were several hands on him and the Soldier tried to comply with the order, eyes locked on Rumlow, wide and desperate as he felt the bugs burrowing into his flesh. As he was stripped of the gear he heard muttered curses and remarks of disgust as Rumlow shook his head and removed the bandages before ordering someone to get the first aid kit. Rumlow looked at the Soldier with an expression that might have been concern and even sympathy as he ordered him to lye flat on a medical mat that had just been set down, and to remain still . The Asset was shaking slightly with the effort not to react to the painfully disturbing sensation of the parasites nestling into his now oozing lacerations and burns. Rumlow took out his knife and a pair of pliers, wiping them with disinfectant as he shook his head with a grimace, eyes once more meeting the Soldier’s pleading gaze that begged for help. Rumlow offered a reassuring nod and instructed the Soldier to breath and remain still as he began digging into the raw, invested wounds to remove the maggots that had begun to feast.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………  
“Bucky,....... Can you hear me?..... Common pal,..... look at me!” Rumlow’s face became distorted, the surroundings shifted as his vision honed in on a different face, familiar and full of concern. Steve was kneeling before his friend who had been clawing at his own body, screaming with frantic desperation, eyes wide with shock and mouth gasping. He had backed away from where he had fallen on the ground, covered in the Chinese food, shear panic on his face, unresponsive and lost in his flashback. Steve had been calling out to him before he grabbed his arms to stop him from tearing into his own skin, lacerations already forming on his flesh arm and torso beneath his torn shirt. There were no words, just hyperventilation and choked sounds then guttural screams as he clawed at himself. The others stood back, with Sam on Steve’s left coaching him to use calm, direct words.  
With several blinks and a deep gasp, Bucky’s eyes focused, looking confused and horrified at his friend, who held each of his wrists firmly in his hands. Bucky looked down franticly at his own body, bloody claw marks on his chest and flesh arm, the stain of his self injury on the tips of his metal fingers. The maggots and worms and pieces of rotten flesh were now just spilled Chinese food that he had mostly wiped away. Bucky swallowed hard as the shock wore off and was replaced by intense nausea. He looked back up at Steve and swallowed again with an urgent, thick tone, pulling away.  
“M’gonna be sick!” He declared as Steve released his hands and he hastily crawled to his feet and stumbled into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it in Steve’s face. The Captain knocked and gripped the door knob as he called out to his friend but Sam told him to let him be, that he needed to calm down and reorient himself. Steve hesitantly turned away but stopped with a backward glance as he heard the sound of wrenching and choked cries. The Captain looked back at the other Avengers who met his worried eyes with supportive nods and understanding. Pepper came toward him and pulled him into a hug as Tony sighed and asked Jarvis to tell Dum-E to bring a vacuum cleaner.  
“That was a bad one,.... I know,...... but he’s getting through it!” Pepper reassured and Steve nodded with a sigh and a halfhearted smile.  
“I am going to go get my first aid kit,..... The scratches didn’t look too deep.” Bruce reassured with a nod as he excited the room.  
“I just don’t know what triggered that?” Steve huffed as he looked at the others with a hopeless shrug.  
“I think it was the food,...... He froze up when he looked at his plate.” Natasha offered as she began to eat, Clint next to her.  
“Speaking from experience man,... Flashbacks are weird!...... Sometimes you can feel them creeping up but other times.......” Clint raised his eyebrows and whistled with a shake of his head. “You don’t see them coming,.... those are the ones that hit you hard and fast...... One minute your here..... and the next your back in what ever hell you thought you escaped from.” Clint swallowed as his tone turned cold, his own eyes growing distant as he shook his head.  
“And here I thought panic attacks were bad!.......... Kid puts me to shame.” Tony sighed as he sat with his own plate.  
“Common Steve,...... just give him a bit. What ever that was,..... he’s gonna need a good minute to wrap his head around it...... This is one of those times when he needs space.” Sam explained with a nod as Pepper grabbed the Captain’s hand and led him back to the table as Natasha fixed him another plate.  
“But,..... he hurt him self....... What if he’s in there now.....” Steve didn’t finish his sentence as he swallowed with a shake of his head and fell into his seat before glancing behind him toward the bathroom door.  
“Jarvis, monitor Sargent Barnes for self harm behaviors.” Stark commanded.  
At this moment Sargent Barnes is still expelling the contents of his stomach.  
“Yea,...okay,... not what I asked!....... Thanks for the play by play Jarvis!” Stark rolled his eyes. “ Oh great!...... And now this one!..... I swear as God is my witness I will decommission you and sell you for scrap metal!....... I said vacuum and you bring me a mop!..... Am I gonna mop the rug Dum-E?...... No,..... just stop,..... go away!” Stark huffed as the robot began to mop the rug, spreading the spilled food further into the newly replaced white carpet. Despite the tension, Tony’s antics with his robot brought a smile to the gathered faces and Bruce walked in just in time to see Stark fighting for the mop as the Robot began making a mess of the furniture.   
............................................................................................................................................  
As Bucky shivered after his final wrench, having nothing left in his stomach, he fell back and leaned against the wall, pulling his knees up as he gripped his hair in his flesh hand, eyes wet as he blinked and focused on controlling his breathing and slowing his racing heart. His eyes grew distant as the images from the flashback replayed in his minds eye over and over, Rumlow’s face bringing a torrent of mixed and conflicting emotions. Bucky felt a wave of confusion crash over him, aware that the memory was not from before he was whipped away and there for was one of the Winter Soldier’s. The realization gripped his chest as he struggled to steady his shaking body. He tried to make sense of his mess of emotions and closed his eyes as he pictured Rumlow’s face, his expression not unkind or harsh like all of the other faces he pictured that belong to his memories of Hydra. Bucky sat still, twisting his short hair in his hand, letting the sharp pull of pain keep him present as he felt his vision shake, the threat of another flashback on the horizon.   
The troubled vet jumped as he heard a gentle knock at the door. He shifted and realized his body felt sore from the ridged tension of his muscles and ideally wondered how long he had been sitting still.  
“Bucky,.... It’s Dr. Banner,...... I have my first aid kit...... I would like to take a look at you, make sure your okay.” Banner’s voice was calm and nonintrusive.  
“Thanks,....I ...I just need a minute!” Bucky answered with a scratchy throat as he coughed and rubbed his face. There was a pause and murmurs’ outside the door.  
“Buck,...... you’ve been in there for over an hour Pal,...... please come out!..... I brought you another shirt.” Steve’ voice was also gentle but more urgent and desperate. Bucky looked down at his chest and arm beneath the torn fabric and sighed at the dried sticky blood that had smeared from an assortment of swollen claw marks that were stinging now that he focused on them. With a quivering breath he picked himself up and swallowed as a another wave of nausea washed over him, the image of the maggots, worms and rotten corpses making him gag. He stood on shaky legs and ran the sink, washing his hands and splashing water in his face as he avoided eye contact with himself in the mirror, afraid he would see the Winter Soldier staring back.   
After another breath and a roll of his increasingly stiff shoulders he turned and begrudgingly unlocked the door, opening it and keeping his eyes on the ground, feeling his confusion and disgust take second to the sudden rush of humility as he was aware of his audience. He took a step out and as Steve tried to come close he held up his flesh hand to stop him with a shudder and shake of his head, metal hand holding his torn shirt together. He swallowed and slowly brought his gaze up, glancing at his friend who’s face was so sad it almost made him angry. He looked over at Bruce who simply nodded and pointed to the couch where a dark blanket had been draped to prevent staining from his blood. Bucky walked slowly, taking a seat as he stiffly discarded the torn shirt, handing the bloody rag to Steve’s outstretched hand with a sigh and nod, then laid back, eyes closed and jaw locked, arms by his sides in clenched fists.  
Steve stood back as he looked at his friend with the strong urge to comfort him. Bucky’s chest and arm looked like he had fought a lion and Steve cursed himself for not being able to stop him right away. Bruce took a seat next to him and nodded at Steve who looked down at the bloody rag of a shirt in his hand then up to Natasha who offered a comforting smile, taking the ruined shirt from his hand and pushing him toward Bruce who gestured for his help with the medical kit. Natasha threw the shirt in the trash as she exchanged a knowing look with Barton. The two S.H.E.I.L.D operatives turned Avengers remained near the Kitchen next to a fretful Pepper and an unusually silent Tony who watched from a distance as Bruce and Steve tended to the former Soldier’s physical wounds while Sam attempted to treat his mind.  
“This might sting a bit. Sorry.” Bruce sighed and Bucky remained silent and still, his brow creasing slightly, eyes remaining closed. Steve was prepping the bandages as Dr. Banner dosed the sterile pads in alcohol and carefully dapped at the nasty gashes, wiping at the dried blood. Bucky’s jaw tightened, forehead creasing further, offering no other indication that he felt the burn of the disinfecting agent on his open soars. Sam sat in the chair near by and with a gentle but evenly firm tone, he spoke to the traumatized Vet, encouraging him to express what he had experienced.  
“That was a pretty epic Flash Back Sargent Barnes..... Walk me through what happened,..... Starting from when Steve gave you the plate of food.” Sam’s words were direct and simple, not open to argument. Bucky opened one eye to peer at Sam, swallowing as Banner placed healing ointment on his raw skin. He shook his head and then closed his eyes again and snorted out his noise in a feeble act of defiance.  
“Bucky!?” Steve sighed and Sam held up a hand, asking Steve to stand down.  
“What did you see when you looked at the food.” Sam asked using the same firm but non judgmental tone. Bucky swallowed again and opened both eyes, rolling his head to the side with an exhausted sigh and haunted gaze.  
“It would put you off your lunch Wilson!” Bucky smirked as his jaw worked and his gaze floated up to the ceiling.  
“We already ate,........ but you couldn’t,...... Because you had a violent break from reality in the form of a flashback, and unless you can get a grip of the shit storm your dealing with, you might get lost in it and next time maybe it’ll be someone else’s blood on your hands...... And that can’t happen,........ So I will ask you again Sargent,..... What did you see when you looked at that plate of food?” Sam confronted Bucky with the harsh reality and fact that his mental welfare was not just about his own pain and suffering but also about the danger he posed to others. Steve shot Sam a side ways glare but said nothing as he handed Banner another bandage, the Doctor offering a sigh with a cautious look at Sam. The tension was thick as Bucky lifted his head; fixing Sam was an intense and angry glare, jaw muscles twitching.  
“I am trying to get a fucking grip on what’s going on!..... I didn’t want this to happen,.... any of it!” Bucky’s voice was low and dangerously similar to a growl as an expression settled on his face that was eerily similar to the Winter Soldier. Steve looked at Bucky with unease then to Sam with an uncertain look.  
“Not saying you did...... Not saying you deserved it or that you are at fault,....... But if you keep all that shit bottled up inside,..... your gonna explode Man,...... and I don’t want to see you hurt other people or,..... hurt your self!” Sam pointed at Bucky’s chest and the WWII Vet looked down at his damaged torso and arm. There was a long stretch of silence as Bucky closed his eyes, and let his head drop back, a pained look on his face. Finally after more then a minute of tense silence he spoke, voice mumbled and resigned.  
“Maggots..... worms..... crawling out of a dead face,.......... rotten flesh........” Bucky spoke with a strained tone, head back and eyes squeezed tight as the images replayed in his mind’s eye. The others exchanged looks, the Avenger’s that where in the kitchen came closer as Bucky swallowed a few times fighting the nauseous clench of his empty stomach.  
“What else did you see,.... what were you doing?” Sam asked with a calm, coxing tone, patient and soothing. Bucky let out a harsh snort as he worked on steading his trembling voice that was hushed and thick.  
“I wasn’t me,........ I was him,........ after a mission,........ failed to retrieve Intel from a target,...... brought a decoy disk back to...... to ....the Secretary?......to Peirce?”   
Bucky’s voice was more of a question, unfamiliar with the names of the phantoms that haunted this nightmare.   
“Was punished for it,....... cuts and burns all over............ Strike team brought him back to a pit of bodies,....... rotting,......decaying flesh,...... covered in worms and maggots,......... Ordered to dig through them,........ find the disk........”   
Bucky swallowed again, his face in a grimace, eyes squeezed tight as his breathing became ragged.   
“Sick from the stench,........ couldn’t breath through the....mask,......bugs crawled, slipped into body armor ,...... into bandages,...... into open wounds.........”   
Bucky’s breathing had increased, his face contorted in slight panic as he blinked his eyes open. He let out a choked breath and looked toward the others with disturbed confusion as his flesh hand came up to grip his hair tight.  
“Who’s Rumlow?” Bucky asked sounding young and scared, eyes wide as saucer’s. Instantly Steve’s body went rigged as his eyes narrowed, reaching out as he gently took Bucky’s flesh hand from his tussled hair, holding it securely as Banner went about bandaging the forearm.  
“What did he do Bucky?” Steve breathed out with a menacing tone, yet his hand was gentle on Bucky’s, the other coming up to encase it. Bucky blinked as he met Steve’s intense gaze then swallowed again and looked away with a shuddered breath.  
“Had to remove the bugs,...... used a knife and pliers,.......ordered not to move......” Bucky winced and closed his eyes again as Banner sealed the last of his bandages on his arm. Steve was biting back a violent need to break something, mainly Rumlow’s neck, while Bucky felt the weight of guilt and confusion heavy on his muddled mind as conflicting emotions, strong and demanding gripped his chest, once more picturing Rumlow’s face, eyes meeting his with concern and possibly even sympathy, glancing at the pliers with a shake of his head as if he didn’t want to hurt the Soldier, as if he might have actually felt some compassion for him. Bucky leaned forward, freeing his flesh hand from Steve’s as he once more gripped his hair letting out a frustrated groan, eyes squeezed tight as his body trembled again.  
Rumlow will help,... Rumlow will fix the malfunction,..... Rumlow will give water,...... Rumlow will clean away the blood,..... Rumlow touches not always with pain,...... Rumlow will come extract him....... Rumlow will treat his wounds...... Rumlow....Rumlow....Rumlow.......  
Bucky gritted his teeth as he heard his voice, but not, it was the voice of the Winter Soldier, answering his own question of who Rumlow was. Bucky’s head was throbbing and he desperately wanted to yell shut up to the voice in his head as he pulled on his hair with both hands rocking back and forth. He felt Steve’s hands pry his grip from his short brown hair once more and then he was slipping off the couch and on to the ground, kneeling in front of Steve with haggard breaths, opening his eyes as he peered up at his friend’s face, anguish escaping through his eyes as he spoke with a hushed whisper.  
“He’s alive?” Bucky asked, sounding like he was asking in secret, eyes searching Steve’s with an anxious need to know, a desperate hope that Steve felt unnerved by. The Captain swallowed his discomfort and nodded.  
“Yes.” Steve stated with trepidation.   
“I need to see him.” Bucky spoke with confusion and uncertainty but determined all the same. Steve was holding his wrists and slid his hands up to his friend’s tense shoulders, a look of shock and then reluctance plastered on his face.  
“Rumlow?........... Why?” Steve questioned as he held Bucky’s shaking form with a steady grip. Bucky swallowed and looked down, unsure how to answer and feeling even more confused and ashamed for the strange need to see the man,... the leader of the Strike team.  
“I.....I just do.....” Bucky looked back up at his friend with eyes that were wild and unfocused, so filled with pain and confusion that the Captain simply nodded before pulling his friend into a hug as he gulped and let out his own troubled sigh.  
“Okay Bucky,.....Whatever you need pal!........What ever you need!” Steve repeated as he looked over at the other Avenger’s who exchanged looks, uncertain how exactly to pull off the desperate man’s request or if they even should. Bucky sat back, eyes clearing slightly, but the mad look remaining just beneath the rational facade. He nodded at Steve and swallowed thickly. He didn’t know what he was going to say or why he needed to see him but the pull was strong and somewhere buried with in his mind he knew that Rumlow would have those answers. He had to!


	8. Fire in my Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots more to come. Also let me just explain that when I was writing this story I had a bunch of scenes in my head and tried to string them together as best I could. It resulted in me creating a basic plot with a lot of side details. We will see Rumlow but not for a bit.

With in a week Bucky’s body had completely healed from his vicious self inflicted injuries during the flash back, his mind however was twisted and mangled with thoughts, feelings and memories that belonged to the Soldier, confusing him and shredding his perception of self. He had become with drawn, spending long hours alone and avoiding the other Avenger’s as he attempted to make sense of it all. More often then not Steve would have to ask Jarvis where Bucky was in the Tower in order to track him down, the WWII vet no longer seeking him or the others out. He had abandoned the motorcycle engine and politely declined the offers of yoga or chess or video games extended to him by the other Avenger’s, giving tight lipped smiles beneath dark and stormy eyes that could not help but reflect his emotional turmoil. Bucky also made him self scarce during meal time and Steve hand begun bringing him food in Tupperware and leaving it by his door that was usually locked. The food mostly went untouched and Steve had tried to engage his friend in conversation about his lack of appetite but Bucky just ignored him. When questioned further about if he was okay he would simply shrug and state that he was remembering things that were not his life and he was trying to sort it out. He had been pledged continuously by nightmares but no longer allowed himself to receive comfort from Steve, demanding the Captain leave him alone, or simply locking himself in the bathroom and turning on the shower. It was as if a dark storm cloud had descended over James Buchanan Barnes and he was unwilling to accept any umbrella or rain coat.  
Steve sat across from Clint at the kitchen table, a despondent frown on his face, eyes distant. Clint was eating his bowl of lime Jello in silence as he watch Steve mash his eggs around with his fork, eyebrows deep in thought. Natasha walked into the room with Sam heading toward the Kitchen.  
“Lime Jello?...... For Breakfast?” Natasha scoff at Barton who smirked at her reaction.  
“Yea Mom,.....that okay with you?” Natasha rolled her eyes at his reaction then went into the fridge and took out a green smoothie. Sam sat down next to Steve and watched him with a comforting smile. Steve looked up and offered a small smile back then returned his attention to the mostly untouched food.  
“Yea know, ....just because Barnes isn’t eating his food doesn't mean you shouldn’t.” Sam offered with a gentle smirk. Steve looked up at Sam and set down his fork with a sigh.  
“He still giving you the cold shoulder?” Hawk Eye asked as he ate another spoon full of jello. Steve nodded with a defeated look.  
“It’s just like before,..... with the Winter Soldier,...... he’s becoming consumed inside of his own head,.... The more he remembers. the more obsessed he gets.........When before he was avoiding thinking about Hydra....what they did to him,.... what they made him do.....,..... now it’s all he can think about.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck as he leaned back in his chair.  
“Tony told me that Jarvis reported his recent google searches where all about Hydra, the KGB,.... Pierce,..... different atrocities and assassinations over the past 70 years,.... likely the Soldier’s missions.” Natasha offered as she sat across from Steve, leaning against Barton like a cat who wanted affection. The Archer obliging as he wrapped an arm around her, finger’s stroking her red locks as he remained focused on Steve’s disgruntled expression.  
“How is it even possible that he is remembering the Winter Soldier’s past?...... I thought they where two different people Sam?...... I mean the Soldier couldn’t remember Bucky’s life!” Steve asked with a flustered tone. Sam shook his head and leaned back.  
“The mind is a complex thing Steve,...... The Soldier said Barne’s would show him glimpses of his past,.... would pull him out of the nightmares once he agreed to let Bucky live again...... Maybe the Winter Soldier is restless,....... and is showing Barne’s his own life......... Or maybe now that the dominate personality has taken over,...... and there aren't any chemicals or wipes keeping them separate, the weaker one, the Soldier, is simply merging,...... and the memories are integrating.” Sam shrugged as he laid a hand on Steve’s shoulder. The Captain let out a sigh as he shook his head.  
“I was so glad to get him back Sam,...... He was doing so well,........... I knew it was too good to be true.” Steve swallowed thickly and looked back down at his neglected breakfast.  
“Were are we at with him seeing Rumlow?” Clint asked as he glanced at Natasha who gave an uncertain look.   
“Fury wanted to know why and I told him closure. He said he’d get back to us.” Natasha shrugged.  
“He just did.” Tony walked in holding a tablet in one hand as he waved his finger’s and a projection of Fury’s upper body came up.  
“Hello,.... good to see you all spending quality time together,..... Where is Barnes?” Fury asked with a direct tone.  
“Jarvis said he is in the sauna,....... can’t seem to get enough of the heat,....... goes in there when the memories leave him cold.” Steve stated with a flat tone. Fury nodded then got to the point.  
“The media has been speculating as to the identity and where a-bouts of the Winter Soldier,..... those videos taken by witnesses during his attacks are all over the internet and your disappearance form the lime light has people asking too many questions and looking too closely at the Avenger’s. Not to mention the fact that you took him on a God Damn Shopping Spree and now his photo is in the celebrity magazines with people trying to guess who he is! Luckily, most think he’s Natasha’s new Boyfriend!” Fury glanced at the Widow who shrugged with a twist of a smile then whacked Clint when he scowled. “The only reason they haven't made the connection yet is because S.H.E.I.L.D has been running interference and so has Miss Pepper Pots, making the official Statement that the Tower is under renovations until after the new year. That might buy you another two months..... but it’s only a matter of time before a swarm of news teams come knocking at your door.” Fury didn’t mince his words and his one eye starred pointedly at the Captain.  
“The Winter Soldier has been in your custody for almost four months now,........ S.H.E.I.L.D needs a status report on his recovery,...... something official and well documented so that when the public finds out where he is and demands a Trial,... we have evidence that he is no longer a threat.” Fury let his one eye glance around the room and the Avenger’s each shifted uncomfortably.  
“He said he needs to see Rumlow.” Steve stated in reply to Fury, jaw locked and shoulder’s squared. The director fixed him with an incredulous look.  
“Yea,..... So I have been told.......... And we are willing to grant him this request if he can manage to cooperate and let our team take a look at him,..... asses his potential threat level.” Nick crossed his arms and waited for a reply.  
“And what doses this assessment entail exactly?” Tony asked the question that Steve’s fiery gaze communicated.  
“A Psychological Profile,...... Physical Analysis,....... Nothing too invasive.” Fury assured.  
“We can provide you with our own documentation,...... Dr. Banner has been treating Sargent Barnes since he arrived here and Mr. Wilson has been providing the necessary therapeutic services.” Stark answered cooly, understanding that Bucky was hardly in a head space to be poked and prodded mentally and physically by S.H.E.I.L.D specialists.  
“And has he been participating in Therapy,..... or is he unresponsive Mr. Wilson?” Fury looked directly at Sam who shifted and choose his words carefully.  
“Therapeutic progress isn’t a strait line Director,...... he has been working on coming to terms with having his life stolen and his mind and body manipulated for almost a century. His recovery is not something that can be negotiated or given a deadline,.... he’s still processing what Hydra put him threw and that’s gonna take some time Sir.” Sam answered with a direct and assertive tone.  
“Well unfortunately time is a luxury that we don’t have and unless you want to see him triad and condemned by America and the World at large,.... we need to be assured that he is no longer a lethal threat so we can make a case for his immunity. He must be ready to make a public statement on his own behalf, explaining what happened and his remorse, other wise he will be a target of outrage and there will be no stopping the cry for his blood. Congress will bow to public demand and claim there must be justice for his victims. There is no sweeping this under the rug,..... no amount of time you can keep him hidden that will allow people to forget. He is the leading story on every major net work and has been for months, This isn’t going to go away! The media hounds are hungry and we cant keep feeding them scarps when they are sniffing out the bone.” Fury offered candidly. There was a long pause, tension thick in the room.  
“He’s not ready.” Steve finally spoke once more, his tone unwavering.  
“Well Cap, I suggest you see that he is...... Once he’s ready to play ball,... then we will let him see Rumlow.......... He has to allow himself to be observed and contained by S.H.E.l,LD for at least 72 hours,.... answer our questions and let our Doctor’s take a look at him. If he can do that with out putting any of my agents in the hospital, then he gets to visit his former co-worker..... Until then,.... keep him close by,..... you never know who might be watching!...... Fury Out.” The image cut off and Steve let out a sigh as his fists clenched. There was a tense silence in the room as they contemplated the impending future.   
............................................................................................................................................  
Steve had wanted to talk to Bucky about the inescapable reality that would sooner or later need to be confronted. However when he had finally gotten up his nerve, he found Bucky curled up in a ball in a dark corner of the larger then necessary sauna. He was mumbling gibberish, a mixture of Russian and English, his dilated eyes glazed over and vacant as tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. Steve had called out to him and then attempted to touch his shoulder, receiving a whimpered cry and shudder from his despondent friend. Steve backed away and instead just joined him as he had planed to, both in their swim trunks, sweating as Steve poured some more lavender water on the hot stones, letting the calming scent and heat wrap around them both.   
It was almost 45 minutes before Bucky had slowly eased out of his psychotic break, but he was still confused and disoriented. His mumbled words stopped as he took in a gulp of hot air, blinking as he uncoiled, wide eyes scanning the room in fear and confusion. His body was covered in sweat and flushed from more time then was healthy in the hot, steamy room. Steve had stood up, walking toward him slowly as Bucky watched him with apprehension and uncertainty. With gentle hands, one on his friend’s shaking shoulder and the other softly cupping his chin, he brought Bucky’s gaze up to meet his own, studding the wide, wet eyes that still seemed unfocused and unable to recognize Steve’s familiar face. He was lost, just as had been the night when he first woke up from the Winter Soldier.  
“Hey Pal,....... Do you know who I am?” Steve asked with a soft tone and his heart sank as Bucky let out a little panicked sob, bottom lip trembling as he shook his head, flinching as if expecting to be struck. Steve swallowed and again spoke as he used his thumb to whip away his friend tears, biting back his own sadness as Bucky blinked erratically, uncontrolled ticks moving his face awkwardly.  
“Do you know who you are?” He asked with a hopeful but cautious tone and felt another crushing wave of sorrow as Bucky looked around as if the answer could be found written on the walls, brow furled with desperate confusion. He shook his head again, gaze begging for mercy as he let out a choked cry of pain and fear. Steve sighed as he whipped the hair from his friends sweat covered brow.  
“What do you know?” Steve asked almost more to himself then to the lost man trembling in the steamy room. Bucky swallowed and opened his moth to speak but then closed it and shuddered as he looked around again with anxious fear, more tears pouring down his flushed face. “It’s okay,.... Your safe,...... You can tell me,....... I wont hurt you.” Steve’s voice sounded as if he was talking to a scared animal and as much as he hated to admit it, at the moment, Bucky was just that.  
“Chair,...... eats memories,........... fire....... in m’head.” Bucky whispered as he closed his eyes tight and gripped his hair with a pained cry, body shaking again. Steve felt his chest grow tight as he pulled Bucky into a hug, massaging his sweaty hair.   
With only minimal resistance Steve helped Bucky stand and half carried him out of the sauna, all the while offering gentle reassurances and encouragement. The fresh, cool air was a sudden shock bringing the broken man to his knees with a strangled cry. Steve knelt down and scooped him up, holding onto him firmly as he gasped and shivered violently. Steve carried Bucky back to their rooms, passing Natasha and Clint in the hallway who were headed to the pool. They exchanged looks with the Captain who offered a sad nod before looking back down at Bucky who had his eyes shut tight, jaw locked and body shaking as he struggled to breath through clenched whimpers that remained trapped in his throat.  
Steve had set Bucky down in bed and wrapped him in blankets before wrapping his own form around his friend as he had so many times before but not since the flashback from a week prior. He remained with his lost and shattered friend, holding him close until the shaking stopped and his breathing evened out, sleep finally taking hold.  
.................................................................................................................................  
Bucky awoke with a harsh gasp, heart beating rapidly in his chest and wide eyes blinking away the fragments of a distorted nightmare, the smell of fire and the sounds of screaming fading as he regained consciousness. He trembled slightly and sighed as he felt the large body that was encasing him shift and sit up. Bucky swallowed and rolled onto his back, eyes blinking as he looked up at Steve’s concerned face that towered over him. The Captain offered a timid smile as he tried to read his friend’s guarded expression. Their eyes locked and Bucky swallowed again, mouth dry as he slowly remembered how lost and confused he had been earlier that evening.  
“How you feeling Bucky/” Steve asked softly, wanting to touch his friend’s face but waiting to see what state of mind he was in. Bucky blinked a few times and sighed, wiping his flesh hand over his face as he mumbled.  
“Fine,.......m’sorry.......got mixed up.” Bucky swallowed again and then took his palm from his face and used it to gently push Steve back giving himself space as he slowly propped himself up with his metal arm. He tuned away from Steve and put his feet on the floor, hunched over and both hands gripping the side of the bed with tension. The Sargent hung his head and shook it back and forth then rolled his neck with obvious discomfort, his back incredibly stiff, shoulders knotted.  
“Bucky....” Steve reached forward and placed a hand on his friends shoulder who instantly shrugged him off with a disgruntled huff as he stiffly pushed himself up to his feet. Walking away from the Captain, he rolled his shoulders and neck again grumbling as he walked over toward the windows of the balcony and watched the sun slowly setting over New York.  
“Lay off Stevie,.....M’fine!....... Just got lost for a bit.” Bucky gazed upon the gradually fading day light wile rubbing his sleep clogged eyes then crossed his arms, jaw twitching. He didn’t turn as he watched Steve’s reflection behind him stand up and approach with slow easy steps. The Captain stood next to his friend and joined him as they watched the sun set.  
“What do you see when you look out there Bucky......What dose the sun set look like to you?” Steve did not turn toward him, keeping his focus strait ahead. The former assassin remained silent for a long moment and then blinked and sighed.  
“I see a city I knew once,..... a life I think I remember..... from a time before everything turned to shit... and left me feeling cold.” Bucky swallowed and a small smirk twinge his lips.  
“I picture a skinny little punk,...... sitting next to me on the Red Hook docs,....... sharing the last slice of his ma’s banana bread as we watch the boats drift by, sun setting over the river.” Bucky tuned toward Steve with a found smile and sad eyes. Steve met his friend’s gaze, offering his own small smile and hopeful gaze. He wrapped an arm around his best friend as they both turned back and watched the last rays dip below the city sky line.   
They remained silent for a time longer before night was truly covering the sky.  
“Hungry?” Steve asked as he released his friend and took a step back, studying him with calm patience. Bucky glanced back at Steve with a shrug and a shake of his head.  
“Nah,..... M’good.” Bucky focused back on the city, ignoring the sad look Steve fixed him with.  
“Common Bucky!........You gotta eat pal!...... I have been trying to give you your space,.... we all have,...... but I can’t just ignore the fact that your gonna starve yer self!” Steve pleaded with a heartfelt sigh, hands on his hips, voice low and even. Bucky smiled and shook his head, fixing Steve with an annoyed expression, rolling his eyes with a huff.  
“They should have named you Captain Momma Hen for how much you fuss at me Rogers!” Bucky groaned and turned reluctantly toward Steve with a half teasing smile as the Captain huffed and shook his head, patting his friend on the back as they headed toward the communal kitchen.  
Natasha was just finishing a large pot of Russian Solyanka soup. The smell filled the communal area and instantly Bucky felt his mouth water and his stomach rumbled. Steve looked down at his friends grumbling midsection with a ‘I told you so,’ look, eyebrow raised. Bucky just snorted and followed the Captain into the room nodding at Clint who was cutting up slices of whole grain bread. Sam greeted Bucky with a warm smile as he handed him a stack of plats and then nodded at the table. Bucky nodded back with a small smirk and began placing them on the table.  
“Hey Bucky!....... So glad you are with us for dinner!” Pepper offered him a sly smile and he sheepishly nodded back as he helped her set the table, her hands full of napkins and soup spoons. “Jarvis,..... Please tell Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner that this is their last warning to come up for dinner or I am shutting off power to their labs!” Pepper asked sweetly and Steve exchanged amused glances with Bucky as Clint snorted a laugh, carrying out the plate of bread.  
Of course Miss Pots,.............They have both agreed,........ However Mr. Stark has demand ten minutes more.   
“Jarvis,..... Start the count down!” Pepper threw her hand in the air with an exasperated sigh.  
Yes mam,........ The power to the laboratories will be switched off in precisely 1 minute...........You should know Mr. Stark has threatened to upgrade me.  
Natasha came out of the kitchen with a tray of steaming bowls and a side dish of sour cream. She smiled softly at Bucky as she set a particularly large bowl in front of him with a nod and a mothering look of warning as she pointed at the soup then tapped him on the noise. He smirked at her then sat forward and scooped a spoon full of sour cream into his bowl.  
Clint took a seat to his left and Steve was on his right as Sam, Natasha and Pepper all took seats across from them, leaving the two heads of the table for the Doctor and mechanical engineer. When Stark and Banner entered they where in mid conversation but stopped abruptly when they saw Bucky seated at the table passing the butter for the bread over to Sam.  
“Well I had no idea this was gonna be a family dinner!..... My apologies on my late arrival!” Stark announced, a genuine smile on his face as he sat down. Bucky rolled his eyes and shook his head then offered a small smile as Bruce walked by him patting him on the back before taking a seat. The conversation was light and causal, deliberately so and the easy banter made it bearable for Bucky to remain at the table, enjoying their collective company and the delusions food.  
“Natasha this is just so good! What’s in it?” Pepper asked as she used a cloth napkin to dab her mouth.  
“Solyanka is a Russian recipe,...... good on cold nights,.... hearty, thick usually made with salty cured meats and sausages..... I put olives, capers, pickles, cabbage, and carrots in it with dill and sour cream for garnish.” Natasha smiled as she dipped the crust of bread into the soup.  
“It’s great Nat!” Bucky offered with a soft smile and a quiet tone as he fished his second helping. The others all looked at him briefly with pleased expressions as it had been a week of mostly silence from the former Assassin.  
“Good!....... Have more!” Natasha stood and grabbed his bowl, he shook his head but she waved him off and brought it back full.  
“Glad to see your appetite is back Bucky!” Bruce said with a gentle smile. James looked at the doctor and nodded once a little sheepishly, obviously not wanting to be the focus of the conversation. There was a slight prolonged silence with Bucky staring at the soup, face flushed as he could feel the others trying not to watch him.  
“Nat and I were talking about having a hot tub party!........ Make some drinks,....... hang out on the deck?” Clint offered as he took a swig of beer.  
“Oh,..... That would be fun!” Pepper nodded enthusiastically.  
“Well, I was kinda thinking about watching a movie with Bucky,..... maybe something we haven’t seen yet.” Steve stated as he glanced at his friend who did not look up but instead focused on eating the soup.  
“Well good thing I have a projector screen and we can do both!........It’s only a party if you two are there spangle pants!” Stark cheered him with a raised glass of wine. Steve looked at Stark then over to Bucky who was chewing slowly before he swallowed. He rose his dark blue eyes up to face Steve and then glanced at the other hopeful and inviting faces. Bucky had been with drawn for over a week since he began remembering more and more of his time as the Winter Soldier. He knew that despite the desire to isolate himself and keep digging into his own mind, he was exhausted and perhaps needed a distraction from his internal misery. He shrugged casually and nodded.  
“Hot tub and movie sounds just swell.” His tone was soft and despite his nonchalant attitude it was obvious that he was trying hard to stay engaged.  
“At’a boy!........ You ever had a margarita?” Clint asked patting Barnes on the Back as the WWII Vet tensed but shook his head with a tight smile.  
“Well then your in for a treat!” Pepper winked at Bucky. He smiled back and looked up at Steve who just nodded, an unspoken concern deep in his eyes that gripped Bucky and promised to be a conversation for another time.


	9. Reality Check

The movie they had watched was Sam’s suggestion, “Good Will Hunting,” and based on what it was about, Bucky understood the not so subtle relevance of the film to his current life. When he was asked his thoughts he simply shrugged as he took a long swig of the margarita and then offered a muttered smirk about never being all that good at math. He then deflected other comment’s Sam made and changed the subject to focus on how Mat Damon’s character reminded him of Steve, always too smart for his own good and dragging him into fights. He avoided the topic of therapy, abuse, guilt, and Sam was smart enough not to push it, especially when cocktails and hot tubing was going on. The rest of the evening was mostly laughter, reminiscing and occasional conversations about modern marvels and events that Steve and Bucky needed to know about.  
After a few more drinks the ladies excused them selves and went inside. There was some more talking and Stark passed around cigars that the men took but only he, Bucky and Clint could actually smoke, the others coiffing. After a long pause, Stark was the one who broke the silence, watching Steve who was nervously glancing at Bucky and looking away, his mind figuring out how to approach the topic on every one’s mind. With a semi dramatic sigh Stark cleared his throat, and drew their collective attention.  
“I am guessing that The Captain hasn’t told you yet,...... and there is no easy way to say this, but we have some shit to deal with Barnes,... and we need you to stay calm and hear what needs to be said!....... Kapessh?” Stark spoke frankly but with an apologetic gaze followed by a roll of his eyes when he caught Steve’s glare. “Oh what Captain Tip-Toes,....... you cant protect him from reality and he needs to know what the hell is going on!” Stark sighed with exasperation. Bucky put down his margarita and sat up out of the tub, arms crossing over his wet shirt, refusing to be uncovered around the dames, self conscious of his scared flesh and metal arm. He swallowed and looked very seriously at Steve then to Stark and nodded, focusing on even breaths.  
“Bucky,...... it’s okay,... we are going to deal with...........” Steve sat up, reaching out and Bucky swatted him away, gaze intense and he shook his head and swallowed, turning back to Stark with a demanding expression.  
“What,.......?” Bucky spoke with a quiet stillness that reminded Steve of the Soldier, preparing to strike. The other men shifted, the tension and eerier calmness of the ex-assassin unnerving.  
“There were eye witnesses that saw your attacks during project insight. The news is a lot different these days Sargent and there are videos and photos of you everywhere....... And since Natasha leaked the S.H.E.I.L.D and Hydra documents online,......... the American people and the world at large are enraptured with finding the Winter Soldier.” Stark sighed and paused as Bucky digested what was being said. With a carful and cautious gaze, tone calm and less sarcastic then any of the Avenger’s had ever heard, he continued his explanation.  
“This tower was not just a head quarter’s for the Avenger’s. The central floors are,… or were actually,…. an NGO, Stark Medical Partner’s, one of Pepper’s babies,....... Kinda like Doctors With Out Border’s but I pay for them to work with victims of war injuries from Stark Weapons Tec.” Stark sighed and looked up at the other Avenger’s who shifted with interest and consideration, none of them aware of the side organization except for Bruce. “ Your not the only one with a guilty conscious Buckster!” Stark grumbled as he wiped his face looking so much like his father it was startling. Bucky swallowed and looked away as his breath felt tight.  
“The Bottom level’s of the tower were private apartment’s for my investors to stay in when they come to New York,..... Pepper’s idea again,.... helps with Bad PR,..... Gotta wine and dine she says!” Tony scoff and rolled his eyes, obviously stalling on his explanation. Bucky shifted with a growing nervousness and discomfort, feeling both the need to run and hide conflicting with a much darker impulse toward Violence. He clenched his metal fist and focused on suppressing the urge to grab Stark by his throat and hold him under water then slam him to the wall and demand answers.  
“And beneath that....... The Avenger’s museum, gift shop and restaurant........ Which we might be expanding into a night club kinda thing but......” He stopped as he met Bucky’s eyes and sat up strait with an alert expression. The other’s saw it too, a dehumanizing, dark look that belonged to Hydra’s weapon and not Bucky Barnes.  
“And.......” The Sargent’s tone was quiet with a dangerous tremble, his expression strained and eyes intensely locked on Tony. Steve shifted putting him self in-between Bucky and Stark, off to the side but ready to intervene.  
“Directory Fury,...... a man who the Soldier shot,..... several times,............. The one holding on to Rumlow,....” Bucky’s expression shifted and he lowered his arms with a snort. “Is trying to help create a defense for your inevitable trial........Attention is on the Avenger’s since I shut down the lower level’s of the Tower four months ago when Steve first asked for our help.......... People saw you out Shopping and it’s only a matter of time before they drawl the connections and come storming our castle!........It’s a reality that we need to face,......But we will do it together!” Stark’s voice became strong and determined, an unshaken look on his face as he met the intense ferocity of the Winter Soldier. Tony’s voice was a solemn promise and spoken with conviction. Bucky closed his eyes then swallowed as he backed down, blinking rapidly as he unclenched his fists and shook his head, coming back to himself.  
“What...... what dose this mean?” Bucky muttered after a moment of silence, his voice tired and almost fragile, the contrast in his demeanor so drastic it brought many concerned and troubled glances.   
Stark opened his mouth but then sighed, looking at the others as he struggled to deliver the potentially fear invoking news.  
“Director Fury is for the most part a good guy Serg,..... I have personally worked for him longer then I did S.H.E.I.LD,..... He was the one who recruited me.” Hawk Eye offered, revealing some of his own past. “He is also the Man I said no to when I got a kill order to take out Natasha,..... Brought her back wounded and plead her case,...... He listened....... He also listened when Steve told him he was gonna take charge of your custody....... But with the heat growing, the politicians will be strong arming the courts and every thing is gonna come to a head.” Clint shook his head with a bitter smirk. “When people find out that the Avenger’s have been harboring America’s new favorite terrorist threat,.........there wont be any way to keep you hidden,........” Clint stated with a sympathetic sigh and shrug.  
“So,..... What do I have to do?” Bucky swallowed thickly as he focused on the bubbles in the tub, unable to meet their eyes.  
“S.H.E.I.L.D wants to document your recovery,...... observe you for 72 hours, evaluate your Mental health and your physiological well being.” Doctor Banner stepped in to continue the conversation, taking his turn at delivering the upsetting news.  
Buck stood up strait and his eyes grew big, face pale in the moon light.   
“Observe,...... what..... like....in a lab....... like in a fucking cage?” Bucky shook as his voice remained low with a mixture of fear and rage.  
“Bucky,..... It wont be like that!..... I promise!” Steve pleaded as his friend started shaking his head, fists clenching and unclenching. Bucky choked on his breath, eyes blinking as he let out an anguished growl as frightening feelings and thoughts tore through him, his hearing and vision fading in and out.  
“Sargent Barnes,........ look at me,...... take a deep breath and look at me!” Sam stood up and moved toward Bucky who was hyperventilating, eyes wide and body locked stiff. “Focus on what I am saying, and repeat it back to me.........” Sam carefully placed a hand on either side of Bucky’s face holding his frantic gaze with slow and steady words.  
“You are safe....... Say it Sargent!” Sam’s voice was a gentle but firm command.  
“M’Safe.” Bucky wheezed out through harsh, shaking breaths.  
“No one is going to hurt you!” Sam again spoke with directness, a strong look in his eyes but softness to his voice.  
“Not..... hurt.” Bucky sputtered as he took another gasp for air, panicked gaze shaking but locked with Sam, clinging to his calm authority.  
“You will not be locked up in a cage.” Sam again promised as he let go of Bucky’s face, stepping back. Bucky took a few more deep breaths and blinked his vision to focus on the other faces around him.  
“I...Will Not......Be....Locked Up.......In No......... God..... Damned .....Cage!” Bucky rasped out between breaths as slowly, he settled himself down into the water with a deep scowl. Steve placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder and squeezed it as Bucky kept his head down, coving his face with his flesh hand as he focused on breathing.  
“I will be there with you Buck!........ I will be watching to make sure they don’t hurt you!..... I wont let them mess with you Pal!” Steve swallowed as he rubbed Bucky’s back in circles.  
“We all will Bucky!,........ We will be monitoring everything and consulting with their medical staff and legal team.” Doctor Banner spoke again with calm reassurance and Bucky looked up at him with wide wet eyes.  
“Why can’t I just stay here,...... I can just.....” Bucky’s voice sounded pathetic to his own ears and he grimaced as he shook his head climbing out of the Hot tube and over to the Bar.  
“Buck...” Steve had started to call him but Bucky just shook his head and grabbed the half empty bottle of tequila. The others watched with raised eyes and, Sam and Bruce exchanging worried glances, Clint and Tony more surprised as the Sargent chugged the rest of the bottle down before placing it with force back on the bar. Steve climbed out of the Tub and took a few tentative steps forward.  
“Bucky?” He asked again, with a cautious and concerned tone. Bucky turned toward his best friend with a bitter smile as he ran his hands through his short hair, twisting it as he looked off toward the city lights.  
“What do I got to be afraid of huh?........ Nothing these G men do to me could be even half as bad as what......” Bucky’s failed bravado cracked as his voice broke and he clenched his fits again, the mental railing creaky under his bionic grip.  
“They wont do anything you don’t want them to do Bucky,..... You can say no,..... you can be the one in control,.......no one has to touch you!” Steve promised as the other Avenger’s glanced at one another unsure if that was absolutely true. “I will stay with you Buck,..... and Fury said after the 72 hours,...they will let you meet with Rumlow.” Steve swallowed again as he stood beside his friend staring out over the city just as they had earlier that very evening. They were silent for a long time as Bucky focused on the distant lights and cars below, his breathing loud but even as the warm buzz of the tequila settled in. After a stretch of time he turned toward Steve with resigned eyes and a nervous half smile.  
“I can take it Cap!........ I got a way with Nurses!” Bucky smirked and there was surprised chuckle’s from the men in the Hot tube who had remained tensely watching and waiting for his response. Steve rolled his eyes and let out a relived little laugh, pulling Bucky into a Hug as his friend buried his face in Steve’s shoulder, trying his best to keep from shaking.  
............................................................................................................................................  
The men remained under the night sky for a while longer, further discussing the need to release a public statement and the idea of them going on a major news station to make the official announcement revealing his identity and recovery. They promised to try and keep him from dealing directly with any reporters or newscasters. The conference and official press release would wait until after S.H.I.E.L.D’s doctors and lawyers evaluated him as a trial would not be far behind once they went public. The conversation swirled around him with Steve and Tony arguing, Sam mediating and Clint and Bruce making suggestions and thoughtful comments. Through it all, Bucky remained silent as he watched the bubbles. His flesh hand moved through the water with a distant gaze as he let his mind go blank. It was something he had done in the past when faced with Hydra’s endless interrogation or Zola’s mumbled ramblings while he was strapped to the table, waiting for the burning race of his blood to stop pounding in his chest. He suspected that the Soldier had done it as well when faced with punishment or cruel conditioning.  
“Bucky........ Hey Buck....... you with us pal?” Steve asked with a soft, concerned tone. He felt a hand on his shoulder’s shaking him lightly, and then the hollow sound of words nearby but distant. Bucky took in a small gasp as he blinked a few times and met Steve’s worried eyes, his vision clearing and honing in on his life long friend. He blinked again and then offered a lame smile and silent nod.  
“M’tired......... Night.” Bucky mumbled as he avoided eye contact and climbed out of the Tub, swaying slightly as the Tequila settled on him, amplified by the heat of the Tub. He shivered in his wet cloths as he grabbed his towel and headed unsteadily toward the door. Steve was by his side a moment later following him through the doorway. Bucky turned and shook his head, unable to meet Steve’s eyes, a solemn expression on his down cast face.  
“Need to be alone Stevie!” He patted his best friend on his shoulder, still not meeting his gaze before he stumbled the rest of the way through the room and into the hallway out of sight. Steve fought his urge to follow as Sam called him back. Steve huffed as he joined the others as they climbed out of the tub.  
“Well that could have gone a lot worse!” Tony offered with a shrug before grabbing his towel and wrapping it around his neck. Steve fixed him with an annoyed glare and Clint patted the Captain on the back.  
“He’s right Steve,...... Barnes is facing up to things better then should be expected!....” Sam looked at all of the men and received a knowing nod from Bruce. “We need to make sure he processes this fully before we let S.H.I.E.L.D get a hold of him.” Sam sighed.  
“How are we suppose to do that Sam if he has barley spoken to any of us in a week...... If he keeps hiding and shutting me out?” Steve sighed with a frustrated groan as he wiped his face.  
“He’s going to keep withdrawing more and more the less in control he feels,.... until he cant keep all the pain inside .......and then he’ll either lash out,...... or turn his violence in.” Banner spoke as not just a Doctor but a man with first hand experience, eyes knowing the silent suffering of restraint and practiced self control against an explosion of raw anger and desperate fear.  
“What can I do?” Steve asked feeling hopeless and unsure but with a strength of determination in his strong eyes and tightened jaw.  
“Jarvis’...... alert all occupants of the house if Sargent Barnes is in danger of self harm...... or physical aggression toward others.” Stark sighed.  
“I will talk to him tomorrow Steve,.... Let him know that he needs to open up to me so I can help him when he’s faced with S.H.I.E.L.D and the Courts.” Sam nodded. Steve swallowed again and sighed as he looked up at his friends, his team and family in the new century, helping him hold on to the only link to a life he left behind and the man who sacrificed his life for a world that was destined to condemn him.


	10. Freedom or Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! Rated M for mention of self-harm and reference to past Non-Con. Bucky is battling with the memories of The Winter Soldier and losing himself.

Bucky was not asleep yet he felt paralyzed in his bed, thoughts racing through his mind as he stared into the darkness and struggled for breath. He thought about all that had been discussed, until his mind had wondered and he had gone blank, emotions too confusing and harsh, threating to dominate his ability to function and restrain his violent impulses. He pictured Director Nickolas J. Fury through the eyes of the Soldier. He recalled the attack on the SUV, then the sniper shots through Steve’s window; all of them body shots, missing the target’s head as he caught sight of Steve. Even from a distance his friend’s face was familiar and distracted him from his target,.... No, Fury was the Soldier’s target and he is not the Soldier. Bucky swallowed back a nauseous wave as he listened to his own self-doubt taunt him. He sat up in bed feeling ill and at the same time desperate for a drink of mind numbing liquor. He stood quietly on shaky legs and crept out of his room with absolute silence, his stealth movements muscle memory that he hardly noticed.   
The Sargent made his way to the communal floor, staggering into the bathroom. He was wrenching into the porcelain bowl most of Natasha’s soup, and for that he felt bad. After a long while of shaking on the floor, sweating as he closed his eyes against the rush of incoherent thoughts and fragments of memory, he managed to pull himself up and stood in the dark looking at his own reflection. The man staring back at him was so familiar and yet so different, layers of masks worn to conceal his fear and pain. He glared at himself and he recognized the Soldier, dark brooding eyes over a silent mouth, words trapped deep inside, unwilling to come out. Bucky shuddered after a few more minutes of self-loathing and anger, turning away with an annoyed huff. He headed strait to Stark’s liquor cabinet and grabbed an expensive bottle of Brandy, deciding that drinking would help him slow down his frantic mind. He craved the release of letting his vision blur into vague colors, soft and undefined instead of the jagged flashes of painful memory and distorted images he was both obsessed with and repulsed by. Bottle open and in hand, Bucky walked the short distance to the roof taking long swings as he went. When he opened the sliding glass door he heard a soft monotone voice from above him in the thresh hold.  
Sargent Barnes, are you headed to the Roof Top Sir?   
“Sure as shit am Robot voice!” Bucky muttered as he stepped out onto the roof and walked over toward the railing, taking a long pull of whiskey as he stared out over the city. He had done this more nights then not this past week, when sleep was impossible after a hellish dream or his thoughts would not stop pounding in his head, snapshots of ugly memories and disjointed feelings driving him toward madness. In truth he felt like he was slipping away further and further, struggling to hold onto himself the more he remembered his imprisonment as the Winter Soldier. His thinking was becoming irrational and narrow, more instinct based then contemplative. His urge to strike out with unbridled violence towards Steve and the others was a constant battle of self-restraint and it scared him to his core. The suffocating need to let out his immense anger and frustration found him using the punching bag more often as well, beating the inanimate object with guttural cries of burning rage and hatred that overwhelmed his ability to reason or think until he was a collapsed puddle of sweat and despair on the gym floor.  
Bucky took another long swig and grimaced at his own darkness and self hatred, a desire to be done with his misery stronger then his rational mind could protest. There was something deep in the pit of his stomach, gnawing at him with unrelenting pressure. Bucky felt a sense of foreboding and anxiety building in his chest as an unknown fear echoed in his mind. It was something done to him that took away more then just his ability to control his reaction to pain or his prideful resistance, It stole from him something a kin to self dignity, a chunk of his very soul, shattering his concept of self worth. He struggled to identify the specific source, the precise memory that invoked such a powerful sense of humility and shame. The not knowing but feeling was heavy on his shoulders and he wished he could once more drift toward his blank state of being, a tempting escape from the torment of reality.   
Barnes gulped at the liquor and leaned down moving a planter as he grabbing a cigarette from a secret pack Clint had bought him on request with the promise that he would tell Steve about it before the pack was through. His hands were shaking as he focused on the sensation of the smoke, watching it wind and dance from the burning embers. Bucky felt his mind drift further away from the present as sounds of Russian voices and the smell of sweat, smoke and vodka filled his senses. The POW felt nauseous again and tried to calm the racing thoughts and fragmented memories that nagged at his skull, willing him self to either go blank or focus on the present. He sucked in the smoke as if it was the breath of life and exhaled with a shattered cry as he felt increasingly desperate, needing relief from the agony of panic. He felt their touch covering him, like ghost hands of past cruelty, remembered with out knowing why, sending shivers through his skin. His minds eye refused to look, refused to acknowledge the horrific memory and left him drowning in the tidal wave of painful emotions, unable to reach the surface. Bucky was pulling on his hair, desperate for the sharp pain to bring him back from the hellish daydream of a trauma too poisonous for him to recall yet too toxic to escape.  
The physical pain wasn’t enough to draw him back and he felt his teeth grind as with little thought Bucky gasped, holding the end of the lit cigarette to the underside of his forearm. It was almost instant, like a cold drink on a hot day but cutting and sudden with pain, his senses sharpened and his vision honed in, focus completely on the burning sensation, attention immediately back to the present as the memory faded away and the physical pain dominated his awareness. He held it pressed against his tender flesh until his hand stopped shaking, sweat covering his brow in the cool night air.  
Bucky pulled the cigarette away and flicked it over the edge of the balcony with a heavy sigh of relief as he once more felt in control of his mind and body, the pain grounding him and helping him quiet the madness even if there was never complete silence. He heard the rush of footsteps behind him and turned with alarm as Steve bolted onto the roof top in bare feet, wearing nothing but sweats and a white shirt. He slowed as he approached Bucky with raised hands as if he was trying to calm some frightened beast. Bucky bit down his resentment, aware that Steve was clearly up set and worried, unsure of his present state of mind. Bucky opened his mouth with a questioning look as his eyes darted toward the door way where Sam appeared, a calm but intent expression decorating his face.  
“Hey guys,...... Just enjoying the night’s breeze,... over a few sips of Bourbon.” Bucky offered a small smirk and a nervous laugh as he unconsciously took a step back, pressed against the rail as his eyes darted from Steve to Sam who each exchanged glances with the other.  
“Looks like more then a few sips Buck.” Steve sighed as he straitened slightly and took another step forward. Bucky smirked again and turned away, hastily taking another large swallow before Steve could relieve him of the bottle. He looked out over the city and as he felt Steve come up on his back left, he forced himself to remain still against the impulse to use his metal arm and fling his best friend over the edge of the building. The thought struck him with such force he shook with a violent tremor and took another swig promising himself that he would through himself over the edge before he would ever harm Steve or the others.  
Steve put a hand on his left shoulder and gently pulled him around to face him, There was deep concern and love in the Captain’s eyes who took in the crazed fear and guarded expression in his friends blue gaze. Bucky smiled again, a grin this time, not at all convincing as he handed over the bottle.  
“Here Stevie,.... been saving ya some!....... Take a nip Captain, you look all wound up!” Bucky pushed the mostly empty bottle into Steve’s chest and moved away, side stepping and then cutting over again to stay out of Sam’s reach who was near by, watching his act. Bucky nodded at Sam and offered a lazy salute as he forgot about the red blister on his arm, skin inflamed from the forceful burn.  
“You got a burn on your arm Sargent Barnes....... May I take a look?” Sam asked as he remained still, his voice direct and non judgmental. Bucky looked down at the expanding red irritation then up at Sam with a swallow and a shake of his head as he headed toward the doorway.  
“Bucky!........ Let us see your burn!” Steve demanded as he quickly moved toward the doorway blocking his escape, the bottle of bourbon set down as Steve fixed him with sad eyes.  
“Oh,..... this,.... ain’t nothin’ Stevie,......... be healed up by morning!” Bucky slurred as he offered a cocky grin and shrug, his bionic hand covering the burned flesh on his arm.  
“We need to see the burn James.” Sam spoke with a strong tone, allowing no room for argument. Bucky glanced at Sam who was walking up from behind him, staying out of reach as he joined Steve, a look of empathy but authority at the same time. Bucky swallowed and his face grew pale, his charade over as he took a few nervous steps back, away from Steve and Sam. He let out a snort as he stumbled back toward the edge of the roof.  
“Bucky Stop!” Steve demanded as Bucky turned and ran to the edge grasping the railing with a harsh breath, eyes blinking as he watched his vision swim, the colors of the lights and passing cars blurring far below. Steve was on him instantly pulling him back, one hand grabbing his elbow and the other on the wrist as he examined the self inflicted burn. Bucky tried to pull his arm away and push Steve back but Steve deflected and brought one hand up to grip his friend behind his neck pulling him in, there eyes meeting again.  
“Bucky!...... You burned your self with a cigarette!.......Why?..... Tell me why you hurt your self?” Steve’s voice shook despite his best effort to remain calm, grip firm but gentle. Bucky looked away as he blinked at the tears that threatened to further blur his vision. He locked his jaw and shook his head as he again attempted to wrestle his flesh arm free from his powerful friend.  
“Lay off Steve!....... M’fine!......... Let go!” Bucky growled low in his throat as he shoved Steve back harder with his metal arm, sending the Captain staggering into some patio furniture. Bucky let out an exasperated cry as he again headed for the door but Sam was there raising his hands slowly.  
“Easy Bucky,....... Just take a deep breath!” Sam spoke calmly to the visibly distressed and intoxicated man.  
“Get out of my way Wilson!........I don’t want to hurt you!” James snapped with a harsh tone that was low and choked, his eyes wide and wet with unshed tears.  
“That’s good!..... That’s real good Sargent Barnes,.... because I don’t want to hurt you either....... No More Pain,..... Right?” Sam asked, using the familiar promise that had often calmed the Winter Soldier when he was having a violent episode. Bucky was pacing with a bitter snarl of a laugh as he glared at Sam and Steve as he joined him.  
“No More Pain?..... Really?..... Just because that Hydra Mutt was dumb enough to believe you doesn’t mean that I got to!...... No More Pain?..... Everything is pain!.......Sleeping, waking, eating, laughing, crying........it all hurts,..... all I can feel is pain!” Bucky shouted at them as he let out an anguished cry and punched one of the reclining chairs, bending the frame completely.   
“We can help you Bucky,.... you just got to open up......” Steve was cut off as the former Assassin yelled in anger and frustration, hands pulling on his hair as he squeezed his eyes shut.  
“Shut UP!.... shutupshutupshutup!” James cried out as he felt the familiar rise of panic despite his inebriation.   
“Is that why you burned your self Bucky?..... To deal with the pain?” Sam asked with calm assertiveness, taking another step forward. Bucky shook his head as the first hot tears escaped his eyes and he wiped at them, turning away.  
“I didn’t mean to.......I......” Bucky choked as he again leaned over the railing, breathing ragged as he struggled to find the right words. “You won’t understand.” Bucky whispered as he wiped his eyes again and looked down at the fully formed blister that had burned into a vibrant quarter sized mark, deep and raw and throbbing. He winced as he ran his calloused thumb over it and hissed in pain, before swallowing and closing his eyes.  
“Bucky........ Just talk to us!......... We can try to understand.” Steve spoke with a gentle plea as he stood behind him a few feet, resisting the urge to reach for his friend.  
“How can you Steve!?” Bucky choked out as he turned to face his best friend and the patient VA consoler. He was shaking as he held his flesh arm with the metal one, exposing the burn. His voice trembled as a light trail of tears decorated his cheeks. “How can you understand........ when I don’t?” He asked them with a heart broken sigh and a sad shake of his head. Steve swallowed and took a few steps forward, opening his arms, a look begging Bucky to accept his embrace. With another whimper Bucky took a step forward then another and another until he was resting his forehead on Steve’s shoulder and he felt the strong arms wrap around him.  
“We can figure it out together Buck!........ You don’t have to suffer alone!....... Please let us try to help you!” Steve spoke with a gentle tone as he sighed and used one hand to massage the back of Bucky’s hair. the other wrapped around his shoulders. They remained like that for a few minutes until Steve pulled back and with his arm around his friends shoulders guided the intoxicated man toward the door way.   
As they entered the main common area Bucky stopped with surprise and then looked away with humility from the other residents of the Tower who were all awake having been alerted by Jarvis just as Steve and Sam had. The VA counselor had already come inside and told them what had happened before they turned and saw the two super soldiers enter. Bucky froze in the doorway, wet eyes large and jaw locked as he hastily pulled away from Steve with an angry snort, hands balled up in fists as he headed for the bathroom, not wanting to look at any of them.  
“Sargent Barnes!........... Please just take a seat so I can examine the burn.” Bruce spoke with a calm professional tone as Steve grabbed his distraught friend by the shoulder to stop his momentum forward. Bucky sighed and gritted his teeth as he reluctantly stumbled toward a chair and dropped down in it with a huff, pouting like an over grown toddler as he refused to make eye contact with any of the occupants. Dr. Banner walked over toward the Ex-Assassin and sat down on the edge of the coffee table as he opened up his first aid kit. The other Avengers sat down around the room as Pepper announced she was making some lavender tea. There was a long stretch of silence and Bucky’s jaw was locked, eyes glossy and wet as he stared deliberately at the ground, feeling embarrassed and angry as he breathed harshly through his noise.  
“Bucky......” Steve spoke with a hesitant tone.  
“Why are you all awake!?” James growled, resentment evident in his voice.  
“Jarvis has been instructed to monitor the tower for any threats to those special individuals who reside in this fortress of modern luxury,...... And that includes self harm behaviors.” Tony responded with a relaxed tone as he laid back in a reclining chair, stocking his goatee. Bucky glanced up at Ironman and then away again his jaw twitching, eyes narrow and fixed on the burn mark that Bruce was gently putting ointment on.  
“Bucky,........ out on the roof, you said that you didn’t mean to burn your self,........ and that you did not understand why you did it.” Sam stated gently, aware that Bucky had no intention of explaining himself but knowing that with the right questions they might get some insight into his motivation. Bucky snorted a breath and closed his eyes as he shook his head slightly.  
“Buck where did you even get those cigarettes?” Steve asked with a sigh as he leaned forward on the couch, hands clasped together and gaze intense.  
“Uh,..... that would be my bad.” Clint sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Steve sat up with a questioning look but before he could speak Bucky spat out in anger.  
“Steve don’t give him shit!........ I am a God Damn grown man with lungs that heal!........ If I want a smoke I will have a fucking smoke!” Bucky was glaring at Steve with immense anger, shaking as he struggled to control his urge to become violent. Steve looked at Bucky with a concerned, studying gaze, the others also aware of the intensity and emotional turmoil simmering just below the surface. Banner placed a bandage on the burn then stood up and took a few steps back, giving Bucky room as he watched the Sargent breath with a heaving chest, eyes still glaring at Steve with rage.  
“Fine Bucky,...... Smoke cigarettes all day if you want to,......... But getting drunk and burning your self is not okay!” Steve fixed Bucky with his own calm but serious gaze, tone ridged and uncompromising. Bucky just snorted again and laid back in the chair with a shake of his head and a grimace, eyes once more off to the side.  
“Can you tell us what was going on right before you burned your self?” Sam asked with a therapeutic tone, calm and deliberate. There was another long pause and then Bucky shrugged, still not meeting their eyes, jaw twitching and fists clenched, body tense despite the reclined position.  
“What was going on in your mind as you smoked the cigarette?” Sam tried again as he leaned forward.  
“It doesn’t matter,....... every one should just go back to bed.” Bucky muttered and glanced at the bandage on his forearm.  
“It does matter....... You didn’t burn your self on accident James,...... and if we can understand why you did it, then we can help you come up with a different way to cope.” Sam offered with a raised eyebrow. There was another long pause and Bucky shifted slightly then glared at Sam from the corner of his eyes before shaking his head again slightly.  
“It helped............bring me back,....... keep me focused on now instead of.......” Bucky stumbled over his words then shook his head again and closed his eyes with a huff as he rubbed his head.  
“When you say bring you back,..... Do you feel like your going some where else?..... Your mind?” Sam asked with a thoughtful tone and Bucky nodded keeping his eyes closed.  
“Can you explain that feeling,......... how it starts,..... what happens?” Sam spoke with a relaxed tone that was patient and non-threatening. Bucky opened his eyes and looked at Sam and then over to Steve with a pensive frown, then back to his burn.  
“All these thoughts,....... feelings,........ some I recognize but,........... the more I remember,...... the less I feel like me,...........I hear his voice,.........” Bucky swallowed as he focused on his breathing that was heavy, his voice slightly choked.  
“Who’s voice Bucky?” Sam asked.  
“The Soldier’s,........ I think,....... But.......... it’s the thoughts,......... I have these,........feelings,......... I don’t understand and........ The urge to.......... hurt...... to fight........ kill......” Bucky’s voice turned quiet, broken as he glanced back up at Steve with a look of such remorse and despair that the Captain felt his chest grow tight. With sad, wet eyes Bucky sighed and expressed his fear and uncertainty, the booze letting his guard slip. “I’m sorry Steve......... But,......... I’m dangerous,.......... I don’t want to hurt you,........ any of you........” His eyes glanced around the room then landed back on his best friend. “ But I’m scared,.......... I can feel my self slipping more and more,........ and,......... I think........ I might be losing control.......... I.........” Bucky closed his eyes tight and his lips trembled as he leaned forward covering his face to hid the threat of tears from escaping down his cheeks.  
“Bucky......” Steve’s own voice was full of compassion as he stood up and crossed the room kneeling down, pulling the distressed man into a hug.  
“I’m sorry Stevie,....... I am so fucking sorry!......... I don’t want to hurt you!..........” Bucky mumbled with shaking breaths as Steve held him close with a deep sigh.  
“I know Buck,....... It’s goanna be ok,...... It’s gonna be alright!” Steve promised and Bucky pushed away with a humorless laugh, and a hopeless expression as he shook his head at Steve.  
“No Steve,...... it’s not......... I keep trying to get my head strait,..... but there’s too much........ And the pain,......... I can’t!....” Bucky sighed deeply as he stood up and paced slowly, metal hand in a fist and flesh hand twisting his short hair as he closed his eyes tight, shaking his head. Steve stood up and looked from Bucky to Sam with eyes that communicated his lack of words, asking for help. Sam nodded at Steve then cleared his throat.  
“Sargent Barnes,........... All of those thoughts and feelings,.......... they need to come out, to be worked through,.....keeping everything bottled up inside of your own head is going to have you fighting for control,........ and the physical pain might help you come back at first, focus on the here and now when the chaos becomes too much,...... but eventually it won’t be enough and you are gonna keep finding more extreme ways to keep you grounded......... I know you don’t want to talk about what happened,........ about the things you are struggling with,....... and you don’t have to talk to me, or Steve or any of us about it,....... but you need to talk with some one........... Or I promise you this is only going to get harder to deal with.” Sam offered with authority and certainty. Bucky looked at Sam with exhaustion and grief. He sighed as he hugged himself and looked away toward the windows. He walked slowly toward he glass and stared at his own reflection and the bright lights of the city before him. He placed his metal hand to the window pain and swallowed hard.  
“I can’t.....just...talk to you folks........ about what’s going on........Some things,...... maybe but......” Bucky swallowed again and ran his flesh hand through his hair closeting his eyes, leaning his forehead against the cool pane of glass. “There’s all these pieces,...... of a puzzle that I need to solve,.......but.........” He sighed heavily and tuned around, leaning back against the glass and blinking up at the ceiling, trying to keep his watery eyes from releasing the tears that he hated himself for showing.......”The clearer the picture, the more confused I get...... The more I remember, the less I understand and....... I don’t want to know,...... but I need to know!” He groaned with frustration as he rubbed at his eyes again. He looked at Sam and then Steve with a very serious expression, swallowing hard.  
“There are something’s,...... I don’t want my friends,........ my best friend,...... to know about........” He looked back at Sam and spoke with an apologetic tone. “I like you Sam,....... and I know I can trust you....... but I can hardly look myself in the mirror,....... If I told you some of the things going on in here.....” He pointed at his head with a grimace and then dropped his eyes with an anguished sigh, shoulder’s slumped. Bucky let out a shuddered breath as he rubbed his temples and then swallowed again leaning back, folding his arms across his chest, his voice becoming hollow, gaze almost distant.  
“The G men will lock me up,.........When they realize how screwy my head is,....... I can barley keep it together for a few hours at a time,........let alone three whole days!” Bucky scoff bitterly as he shook his head, looking away again, off to the side. “They’re gonna find out what a whack job I am and then throw me in a cell where I can’t hurt anybody........” He sighed and looked back up toward the others with a scowl. “ And they should........... I deserve to burn in hell for what I’ve done,....... What I let Hydra turn me into!” He raised his metal hand and made a fist as he gritted his teeth, hatred in his eyes as he studied the prosthetic arm.  
“No Bucky,......... You don’t deserve that,....... you had no choice,......... you tried to fight back,......... it wasn’t your fault Buck!........” Steve took a few steps forward with a determined expression. “ And no body is going to lock you up!........ I won’t let them!....... The only thing you deserve is to get your life back,....... to live again!......... I know you don’t believe that,....... I know your scared and confused and.......... Maybe it’s not okay right now,........ but it will get better Bucky!......... I won’t let anything bad happen to you!” Steve spoke with sincerity and desperation, needing his friend to trust him. With another step forward Steve spoke with a firm and serious tone. “But I need you to promise me Buck,...... Promise me that you’ll talk to someone,....we’ll get you a psychiatrist, or a priest or who ever you want....and you can’t keep hurting your self,....... you wont keep......” Steve’s voice faltered as he choked on the thought of losing his best friend again, expression betraying his fear and concern for his friend’s welfare. Bucky met Steve’s eyes with his own deep sigh. He looked around at the others who shared Steve’s conviction and determination. Bucky swallowed and rubbed his face with another sigh, feeling so weary and emotionally drained, his body heavy and eyes blurring. He blinked and then looked back up.  
“I will try,...... to..... talk,...... to someone,....... and...... I will try not to hurt myself but........ I need you to promise me something too.........” He waited with a look of intensity as Steve swallowed and nodded hesitantly.  
“If I become dangerous,........ If,....... I lose control,...... and try to hurt other people,....... I need you to promise that you’ll take me out,........ and If not you then someone else needs to before......” He shook his head with a swallow and looked up with a desperate expression, body slightly shaking.... “I can’t go back to a cell Steve,...... I can’t be locked up again......” Bucky swallowed again and the fear and pain was vivid in his blue eyes. “I need you to promise that If I lose it,....... you’ll let me die,........ and not lock me up in some Looney bin or jail cell!” Bucky’s tone was deadly serious and his wet eyes were locked with Steve.  
“Bucky.....” Steve took a step forward but Bucky held up his hand and shook his head.  
“Promise me Steve,......... If I lose control,...... If I start trying to hurt other people,........ I get taken out,..... not locked up!” Bucky’s voice was a harsh demand, gaze intense and body ridged. Steve let out a deflated sigh as tears filled his own eyes.  
“Bucky,...... Please......” Steve’s voice sounded broken and strangled.  
“I promise!........” Natasha stood up and received a startled reaction from the Captain and a steady look from Bucky. “I will make sure that you don’t hurt anyone else,...... and I will take you down if there is no other choice.” Natasha spoke calmly and with a firm nod.  
“Natasha no......” Steve objected but Sam was by him with a hand on his shoulder.  
“This is what Bucky want’s Steve,....... he has to be able to trust us if he is ever gonna be able to let himself heal!” Sam advised and Steve looked at the VA Counselor then back at Bucky with a pained anxiety in his eyes.  
“I promise too Sargent,....... we will keep you safe from hurting anyone else and if it comes down to it,........ We will make dame sure you won’t ever be locked up again!” Clint nodded with a calm and deliberate tone.  
“You have my word as well Bucky!” Bruce offered and Tony sighed as he grumbled in agreement.  
“Your our responsibility Barnes,....... We wont let anything bad happen to you or anyone else........ We will help you keep your hands clean kid!” Stark offered and Bucky swallowed and nodded slowly, letting out a deep sigh of relief before he closed his eyes and rubbed his aching head again. He let his tired eyes drift back toward Steve who looked completely heart broken, mouth hanging open, eyes pleading. Bucky took a few steps forward and hugged Steve, ruffling the Captain’s head before pulling back and holding his best friend at arms length, flesh hand on his shoulder.  
“It’s my call Cap,........You gonna pull rank...... or can you promise me that no one else is going to get hurt,....... Promise me that I will live free,...... or die...... but never locked up!” Bucky swallowed, eyes begging Steve to promise, needing his reassurance. With a deep sigh Steve nodded and again hugged his friend, closing his own eyes against the stinging tears and the nauseating dread that one day he might not have any other choice but to once more watch his friend die.


	11. Forgivness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya’ll super short Chapter. Basically with this story I am trying to hit on almost every theme brought up in Fan fiction. Sorry again for how many different pieces I have put together in this tail of tragedy and despair. But there will be recovery, long, slow and painful! Shit gets worse before it gets better for good and therapeutic progress is not a strait line, it is a roller costar full of ups and downs, regression and epiphanies. Hold on folks and please review. I love to know your thoughts!  
> Much love!

Within a few days Pepper had hired a Psychiatrist, Dr, Richard Haman, who was a leading voice in innovative treatments for PTSD. The middle aged man was squat and round with kind eyes and a gentle voice, his expression was calm and he seemed unfazed by the severity of trauma or the legal complications associated with his patient. Stark and the others debriefed the good doctor regarding Bucky’s impending trial and S.H.E.I.L.D’s required evaluation of his threat level initially before he officially agreed to accept the Sargent as a client. Additionally he was given a 4 hour long edited version of Hydra’s video documentation of the abuse and torture experienced by Bucky during his captivity and the subsequent conditioning and programing forced upon the Winter Solider as well as Bruce’s lab notes and toxicology report. Stark’s legal team drafted a confidentiality contract and with a hefty salary, the Doctor began his daily sessions with an uneasy yet compliant Sargent James Buchanan Barnes.   
With in the first week, the Psychiatrist conferred with Dr. Banner on medication management and prescribed Bucky a Varity of pills that the War Vet begrudgingly agreed to try. Each morning Sam helped Bucky organize the assortment of medication such as antidepressants, mood stabilizers and a new drug called Prazosin that helped relive his night terrors as well as reduced his flash backs. Despite Bucky’s initial resistance, the medication provided a calming buffer between the intensity of his newly recovered memories and the confusing, often nauseating and sever emotional reactions. As he began to sleep with more regularity and his appetite increased, he found himself able to socialize more with the other residents of the tower, returning to somewhat of a routine and after three weeks of neglect, he finally returned his attention to the motorcycle engine Stark was helping him build.  
Bucky had also begun to open up to the Psychiatrist, slowly at first, providing just vague expressions and concerns of self doubt and paranoia. He spoke little of the actual memories but rather of the intrusive thoughts and violent impulses that scared him. As the days past and the medication allowed him to reflect with out inducing panic attacks or flash backs, the man once known as the Winter Soldier eventual began to share with his therapist some of the more disturbing and upsetting memories and feelings, the ones far too morbid and horrific to share with Steve, Sam or the others. With the promise of confidentiality and non judgmental questions and insight, the Doctor helped the Sargent come to terms with some of the trauma, fear, shame and endless guilt that had been steadily eroding his perception of self.   
By the end of his second month living amongst the Avenger’s as Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky was finally starting to regain some of the man he had feared was long since destroyed by Hydra. He joined the other’s for meals, watched movies, worked out and even cracked a smile or soft laugh from time to time, a small twinkle of hope shining through his desperate pain and sorrow that had been haunting his expression. Steve felt relived and grateful, confiding in Sam and Natasha that for the first time since Bucky had shown up starved and half dead in his apartment, over five months ago, he felt as through his friend was actually starting to heal, not just struggling to cover up how hurt he really was. As the Winter Soldier, he was unable to fully embrace his humanity, trapped in the mental slavery of the conditioning and programing that had forged the Assassin’s identity. However, even after Bucky had finally reclaimed his conscious awareness, he had been trying hard to force his smiles and a positive attitude, pretending that he was fine when in reality he was on the verge of shattering completely. Now with therapy and medication, Bucky was finally starting to interact with out pretense, his smiles, while few, were genuine and he no longer attempted to hid away when he was feeling low, allowing himself to find solace in his new friends and the man that knew him the most.  
The Avenger’s had each in their own way found a common ground with the recovering Vet, sharing their own life experiences, pain, sorrow, loss, anger and humility. Bruce shared with the Sargent his own struggle for self-control and the fragmented, violent glimpses that tore through his mind day and night. They spent mornings over their reestablished chest games, drinking coffee and enjoying some of Steve’s records that brought a swell of fondness and nostalgia for the reminiscing Vet.  
With Natasha, Bucky learned how a person could be manipulated with their consent and how in some ways that guilt was all the more encompassing. Natasha shared some of her secrets with him, the ones he promised not to reveal to the others. In return Barnes exposed a few of his own, and the two were able to find solace in their shared legacy as death dealers.  
Clint had spoken candidly about his own experience with brainwashing and the confusion he still felt, explaining the impulses and thoughts that still lingered in his mind, like a devil on his shoulder, exposing a darkness within his own heart he had never acknowledged before. They would smoke cigarettes and stare out over the city lights as they shared an understanding of what it felt like to question ones own sanity when fighting against violent impulses not your own.  
Besides Steve, Sam was the only other member of the Team that Bucky allowed himself to break down in front of. Sam was able to calm him down when he felt himself begin to dissociate, or when he reacted with misplaced anger toward Steve or was consumed in self-hatred. Sam was a good counselor and a better friend, able to challenge his distorted thinking and provided a stable voice when he was disoriented and became lost. Steve often sought Sam out when Bucky was having a particularly rough time, unable to break out of a mood or negative thought pattern. Steve was constant and supportive in a way no one else could be, but he was not trained to be a counselor and despite his devotion and need to help his best friend, he struggled with what words to say or how to relive his suffering and that was where Sam came in.   
In contrast to the heavy, emotional conversations he often found himself in with the other Avengers, Stark was Bucky’s go to for levity, for easy going chatter and snarky banter. His time with Tony was late at night in the lab, each man handling tools and a drink or two, all Bucky was allotted with his medication. The mechanic would ramble away as Barnes snickered at his jokes, made a few wise cracks and offered occasional antidotes about the ‘good old days’. A few times Bucky would tell a story from the war, some night out on the town that he had spent with Howard and how much Tony reminded him of his old man.   
It was on one such night that Bucky noticed the tension in Tony’s shoulders and the way he was fumbling with his tools after a brief mention of the late Howard Stark. Bucky had noticed it before and he set down his own tools as he leaned against the table and watched the man who cleared his throat and began rambling again but with an emotional thickness to his tone. Barnes studied Tony with concern, crossing his arms as he pondered the reaction. Finally he spoke, interrupting Tony’s endless flow of meaningless drabble about circuit boards.  
“You get tense every time I mention your Father,..... why?” James’s voice was calm but held a dread to it as he shifted, eyes narrow in thought as he tried to find a puzzle piece he didn’t know he was missing. Tony glanced up at the Sargent and tried to shrug casually but the attempt was obvious.  
“Nothing,....... Just....... uh,...... wish I had known him better I guess,...... The man you describe wasn’t exactly the man I remember raising me,..... or rather, paying others to raise me........ But....... yea.....” Stark cleared his throat and grabbed the bottle of Bourbon. “Mind if I have another,....... You’ve had your two but if you ask me nice and promise to keep yer trap shut to Super Boy-scout I’ll pour you another!” Tony smirked as he poured two drinks and then handed one to Bucky with raised eye brows. Bucky met his gaze with a discerning look and accepted the drink. They both took a swallow and Stark turned away toward his pet project, avoiding Bucky’s knowing gaze.  
“Tony,...... Your parents,....... They died in a car accident?” Bucky asked softly, a nagging feeling buzzing in his brain and a nauseous bit of dread formed in his stomach.  
“Yup,..... That’s what we all thought.” Tony uttered with a tired sigh as he put down his drink and rubbed his eyes.  
“It wasn’t an accident was it?” Bucky asked with a hushed tone, breath shaky.  
“No,...... It was Hydra.” Tony sighed as he turned to face Bucky with a resigned expression and eyes that spoke volumes of the underlining truth. Bucky swallowed as he felt the oncoming of a new memory preceded by the nauseating realization.  
“Did......” Bucky swallowed as he uncrossed his arms, forming fists, eyes wide and bright with shock. “Did the Soldier kill them?” His voice was choked and his expression begged for the truth to be anything but what he had asked. Tony sighed as he leaned heavily on his workbench and fixed Bucky with a long look and a humorless smirk.  
“You can’t blame a gun for shooting..... You blame the asshole firing it.” Tony offered with another shrug as he looked away from Bucky’s wide eyes and gapping mouth. The former Assassin covered his mouth and shook his head as he stumbled back, falling into the table behind him and crumbling to the floor. He was on the ground hunched over and kneeling hands gripping his hair. Bucky was pale and shaking as his eyes grew distant and his breathing shallow and frantic. His surroundings blurred as the sound of Stark’s concerned voice faded, the pounding of his heart taking over.  
He could see it, as if he was right there, watching with a detached, automatic response as the car flipped over, flying off the road and into a tree. The impact had been drastic from the speed of the car racing down the windy hill road from their California home on the cliff, breaks disconnected and steering alignment compromised. The Soldier had crouched down by the over turned car, flames fast consuming the expensive vintage Porsche. The woman, Maria Stark, was most certainly dead, neck twisted and eyes vacant. The male target was choking, gasping as blood pooled from his lips and the gash on his head, the steering column punctured through his chest cavity. The Asset waited for the man to still so that he could confirm both deaths. He waited patiently since he could not use a weapon as the mission was to appear as an accident. His eyes were fixed on the man’s face, something familiar, something he was drawn to. The Winter Soldier drew closer with intrigue but the smoke from the flames made it difficult to breath. He removed his face mask and goggles, aware that to do so would result in punishment, yet at the moment he did not care, so transfixed on the target’s face and the strange sensation it brought to him.  
As if aware of his presence the dying man opened his dark eyes and his glossy gaze fixed on the Soldier’s exposed face. There was a look, one the Soldier had never seen before, one that would creep into his subconscious, a look of recognition. The dark eyes of the target grew at the sight of the Asset’s face, one bloody hand reaching toward him as he sputtered with choked blood. For reason’s unknown to himself, the Weapon crouched down and leaned forward, allowing the bloody fingers to graze his face, lost eyes searching for the meaning behind the strange sensation of familiarity. Then with a final shudder the target heaved his last breath, eyes becoming blank and face still. The Asset sat back with a heaviness and confusion he did not comprehend. He touched his own face, where the man’s bloody fingers had trailed before swallowing as his body began to shake just before the car blew up and he was sent crashing backward against the cement, blocking flaming debris with his metal arm as his vision blued from a concussion.  
“Bucky,........ Sargent James Barnes,...... come back,....... focus on my voice!” Bucky blinked rapidly and gasped for breath, chest tight as if he had stopped breathing. His body was shaking violently and he was curled up under the table surrounded by broken tiles, his metal arm clutching pieces of ceramic. His vision was wet and blurry as he wiped at his eyes and found Sam’s face level with him but several feet away, Steve right behind him, eyes sad and full of sympathy. Behind them both Stark sat hunched over on the stool, elbows resting on the table and hands in his hair as he fixed Bucky with a side glance of pained recognition. Bucky let out a shattered cry as he buried his face in his arm, breathing choked as hysterical sobs ripped through him.  
“Bucky,......” Steve called and closed distance despite Sam’s warning. The Captain crawled under the table and reached for his friend who let himself be pulled into an embrace as he openly wept, more distraught and emotionally overcome then he had been in more then a month. His tears were normally kept back, a deliberate attempt made to keep his composure in front of the others. Even in front of Sam and Steve he only allowed a few whimpers and silent tears. This time was different, this time his entire being was overwhelmed with such guilt and despair that there was no keeping his composure or self control. He cried out in heart break, anger and grief as Steve held him wrapped in his arm, whispering reassurances as he rocked him gently, one hand holding his friends head the other rubbing his back.  
Bucky cried for several minutes, fists clutching Steve’s white night shirt as he pressed his face into his friends chest, entire body shaking as the violet sobs racked trough him. As he slowly calmed down he pushed away from Steve and wiped his face, eyes down cast, breathing labored but even. Steve rubbed his friends back with comforting circles and slowly crawled out from under the table, pulling Bucky with him. The Sargent stiffly stood up on shaky legs and sat heavy hearted in a chair by the table, expression defeated, lips still trembling. He wrapped his arms around himself tight and stared at the ground, a few stray tears staining his cheeks.  
“Sargent Barnes...... You remembered the Car accident?” Sam’s voice was calm and understanding as he pulled up a chair, sitting across from the forlorn man. With a trembled sigh he nodded then again wiped his face as he looked up at Sam then over to Steve and finally Tony who looked almost as shattered as he was. Steve walked over and sat next to him, pulling up a stool as he wrapped an arm around his shivering friend’s shoulders.  
“Tony,........ I........” Bucky tried to speak but his breath caught as he choked on another sob, fresh tears in his eyes. He wiped his face again then looked back up with wet blue eyes that begged forgiveness. “He was my friend!” He whimpered in despair, as Tony swallowed and looked away with a nod of understanding, his own dark eyes wet.  
“It wasn’t your fault Buck,...... You weren’t in control!” Steve tried to comfort his friend who shuddered as took a few more pained breaths, eyes growing distant as he looked away.  
“He recognized me,.......... He knew that I was the one,...... He knew that I killed him!” The words were a choked whisper, full of guilt and remorse as the tears continued to travel down his face.  
“He was still alive?” Tony asked with a tone that was brimming with emotion and restrain, eyes large and jaw locked as he sat up right. Bucky’s gaze drifted up to meet Stark’s, blue eyes lost and face twisted in a painful grimace.  
“The Car,....... was upside down, wrapped around a tree...... The female,...... your mother,.....” Bucky corrected with a small whimper of grief. “She was already gone,..... Howard was bleeding........ The Soldier,..... he recognized the face,...... was drawn to it........ Took off his mask and goggles because there was too much smoke....... Howard opened his eyes,....... he saw the Soldier’s face,....... my face!” Bucky’s tone became harsh with anger and despair as he shut his eyes and shook his head. “He reached out and touched me.......” Bucky choked back another sob and brought his flesh hand up to the side of his jaw, still feeling the press of the bloody fingers, trembling as they made contact. “Then he was gone!” Bucky’s voice faltered as another sob racked trough him before he looked up at Tony who was standing up and pacing, taking deep breaths of his own, shaking slightly.   
With a frantic desperation, Bucky stumbled out of the stool and fell on his knees in front of Stark’s feet, head hung and shoulder’s shaking.  
“M’sorry Tony,...... I’m so sorry,.....I’m sorry,......” Bucky once more was crying, his head in his hands. Tony looked down at the man he could not hate, a man who had been hurt by Hydra more then anyone, himself included. Tony let out a sigh as he sank down to his keens and placed a hand on each of Bucky’s shoulders.  
“Hey,...... Like Cap said,...... like we have all been telling you,....... It wasn’t your fault Barnes..........Dad talked about you too,........ told me how the War had been won not just by the Star Spangled Man but with the help of men brave enough to follow him into battle,........He knew you sacrificed your life helping Steve on that train........ And he hated that S.H.I.E.L.D had recruited Zola,....... And if he had known that you were still alive,......if he had realized what Zola had done to you,........ he would be the one racked with guilt for letting that sadistic little freak build Hydra right under his noise!” Stark sighed again and Bucky looked up at him with tear stained cheeks and pained eyes, unable to keep the contact as he swallowed the lump in his throat.  
“C..C.Can you,..... forgive me?” Bucky whispered, sounding so broken and frightened that it hurt to look at him. Stark sighed again and swallowed as he nodded then placed a comforting hand on Bucky’s shoulder.  
“Yea Bucky,...... I forgive you.” Tony answered, his own voice struggling to keep his emotions in check. Steve and Sam watched with heavy hearts as yet another memory plagued with guilt was added to the weight of grief and unrelenting heartache the vet was struggling to overcome.


	12. Into The Lion's Den

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope yall are ready for Bucky drama to come! This is a short set up chapter.

It had taken another two weeks of persistent calls from Director Fury before Bucky finally allowed himself to be brought into S.H.I.E.L.D. The Director clamed that he was interested in full transparency and that Bucky would be treated as a POW not as a defected Hydra Assassin as long as he was willing to fully cooperate. The Director had also requested a full report from both Bruce and Stark about his physical condition and the components of his metal arm as well as the 12 hours of Hydra documentation detailing the process of his conditioning and programing. Steve had initially objected to the video footage being handed over to S.H.I.E.L.D for Bucky’s sake but Natasha persuaded him that it would help S.H.I.E.L.D’s medical staff and legal team understand what had been done to him. It was agreed that Stark’s lawyers and S.H.I.E.L.D’s legal team would work together to create a defense strategy to support Bucky’s case for immunity.   
With trepidation and palatable fear, the former Winter Soldier sat ridged on full alert as the private jet landed in a remote air field that looked hardly kept, surrounded by acres of corn and pastures of cattle. He swallowed down his anxiety that was gripping his chest tight, confining his rapidly beating heart. His Doctor had increased his Xanax for the up coming observation and pending court dates but still Bucky felt tense and on edge. As the plan engine powered down, he looked over at Steve, eyes wide and breathing elevated, fists clenched.  
“Where are we Steve?” Bucky asked with nervous energy radiating off of him. Steve turned to his friend and took in his pale, sweat dotted face, eyes large and body ridged in his seat. He offered a concerned smile, eyes studying his anxious friend as he squeezed his right shoulder in comfort.  
“Some where in the middle of Nebraska,...... S.H.E.I.L.D has gone mostly under ground now, using it’s secret bases in remote areas.” Steve explained as he unbuckled his seat and stood up offering Bucky a hand. The two men stood and looked over toward Natasha and Clint as they came back from the pilot cabin. Sam, Tony and Bruce came up from the rear grabbing suite cases and duffel bags as they all exchanged apprehensive looks.  
“So S.H.E.I.L.D is operating at an abandoned crop dusting runway in the middle of nowhere Nebraska now?” Sam asked with confusion.  
“These are the coordinates the Director gave me.” Natasha mused.  
“Well,.... based on the readings of electric and magnetic activity,....... I think the base is under ground,...... right beneath us.” Toney stated as he looked down at his pocket sized gadget.  
“Himmm,..... Wonder where the access point is.” Hawk Eye questioned as he headed toward the door way and down the stairs to the weed-covered runway. They each excited the plan with Steve, then Bucky last, The Captain squeezing his hand as he pulled him along with a solid expression of strength and encouragement. Bucky’s jaw was locked and he focused on his deep breathing, feeling a growing sense of dread and fear take hold, his stomach twisted in knots and his eyes dilated. He followed Steve and the others off the plan and onto the runway, silently ordering himself not to make a run for it into the corn field. Once on the unkempt run way he pulled his hand free from Steve and ran his hands through his hair, focusing on breathing as the others all looked around waiting to be greeted by Fury and what remained of S.H.E.I.L.D.  
Their wait was not long as suddenly a large, circular patch of uncut grass the size of a small pool lifted up and an escort of black ATV’s rolled out and surrounded the Avengers. They where joined by multiple Shield Agents on foot emerging from the surrounding cornfields, weapons drawn but pointed down. Bucky felt his chest seize and his breathing stopped as he took a few stumbling steps back, eyes wide and gaze frantic as he scanned the numerous agents all dressed in black.   
“Oh look,..... Fury arranged a welcoming party!” Stark snickered as he glanced at Bruce who looked just as disconcerted as Steve.  
“Bucky!...... It’s okay,.... easy Sgt.!..... We got you!” Sam was the closest one to the retreating man and grabbed his shoulder, preventing him from escaping back into the plan. The others were all surveying the increasing flood of S.H.E.I.L.D agents that surrounded them with caution, uneasy tension putting them all on guard. The last ATV pulled up to the surface and a man they all recognize jumped off, trench coat flapping as he walked directly toward Steve. Fury nodded to the Captain and then the others as he slowed to a stop a few feet away. Steve was glaring at him with anger shaking his head. He looked around at the others, eyes landing on a panicked Bucky and Sam trying to coach him away from the plane, Bucky’s metal hand gripping the railing of the exit stairs. Steve turned back and growled at the Director with a tone few had heard from the clean-cut role model.  
“Fury!..... What the hell is all this!...... You have us surrounded?!?” Steve spat as he gestured wildly around him at the still emerging guards. Clint hung back with Sam and Bucky, placing himself between the two men and the incoming S.H.E.I.L.D operatives and Natasha headed toward the other three men who were confronting the Director. Stark was dressed in a designer suite, sun glasses on as he held up his scanner and whistled at the shear number of armed guards. Bruce stood beside him, forcing the other guy to stay calm as he shook his head.  
“Good God Man,..... I am reading 75 heat signatures not including our own!!!......A bit overkill dontcha think!” Stark huffed. As he pocketed the device and flippantly saluted the circle of combat ready S.H.E.I.L.D agents.  
“Wasn’t sure what to expect,..... The Winter Soldier plus the Avenger’s, had to be prepared.” Fury shrugged casually. He then looked over to the plane and pointed at Bucky who was still pulling away from Sam and trying to ascend the stairs, gaze panicked as he looked every where at once, hyperventilating as he blinked rapidly. “And I wasn’t sure if our guest of Honor was going to be cooperative.” Fury watched the fearful man with a cautious eye.  
“Well, maybe if you weren’t scaring the crap out of him with a show of force and deliberate intimidation,... he might be a bit more interested in cooperating...... But seeing as you have quite literally cornered a traumatized vet into a fight or flight scenario,...... you should be glad he is opting for the latter!” The Black Widow snapped at her former boss and he reacted with a slightly affronted look.  
“Agent Romanoff!........ This man has cost us the lives of countless agents and field operatives, not to mention he shot you twice and nearly killed my ass!” Fury’s tone was incredulous.  
“No!.... Not This Man!.... That was the Winter Soldier,..... a man stripped of his agency and forced to murder for Hydra!...... This Man....” Steve gestured behind him toward Bucky who was being slowly escorted toward them, Hawk Eye on one side, Falcon on the other as they wrapped there arms around him and encouraged him to take steps forward, his terror filled eyes blinking as he glanced all around, shaking his head as he struggled to steady his breaths. “ This Man is Sargent James Buchannan Barnes,.... a decorated War Hero, Nationally honored and revered for his courage and sacrifice AGAINST Hydra!” Steve fumed. “Without Sargent Barnes watching my six during the war,.... there would have been no Captain America!” Steve gritted his teeth then turned and altered his expression to calm reassurance as Bucky was brought toward him, his composure barley held together.  
“Steve..... I can’t do this Steve,.... Please,......I can’t.....” Bucky was mumbling, eyes still scanning the numerous armed agents as Sam and Clint backed off letting the Captain place a steady hand on his shoulder, the other one gently gripping the side of his head.  
“Hey,....Hey,...... it’s okay,...... nothing bad is going to happen to you!...... I am staying here with you!...... I won’t leave your side!” Steve promised, with compassionate eyes.  
“Uh,.... sorry Cap but that is not exactly true.......” Fury sighed as Steve turned and glared at him. “We need to evaluate him with out you there in order to accurately asses his threat level,..... we have to know that he can be trusted to use control and not harm others weather you are with him or not.” Fury stated, his eye still fixed on Bucky. The former Assassin stared at him with dawning recognition, remembering him as a past target, the details of his file clear in his minds eye. Bucky exhaled and pulled away from Steve taking a few tentative steps toward the Director who shifted and watched him warily. Nearby, several S.H.E.I.L.D agents raised their weapons, aiming strait at the approaching man’s head. Bucky remained focused on Fury, breathing even but elevated, wide eyes dilated, blinking as he focused on the man’s face. He swallowed as he nodded at the Director and then summoned his courage, standing at attention as he saluted his former target, jaw locked and body ridged as he remained still.  
There was a long stretch of silence as Fury considered the man before him, dressed in boots, jeans, a white v neck shirt and a blue leather jacket with a dark scarf wrapped loosely around his neck. The clothing was a contrast to his ridged military formality but the gesture was still clear, he was saluting Fury as a commanding officer, and presenting himself as a comrade in the armed forces, not a defected Hydra agent. Fury nodded once and saluted back.  
“At ease Sargent Barnes,........ I am glade you have agreed to work with us. Hopefully we can both benefit from your time here.” Fury tilted his head again and James offered a short nod, his apprehension and fear still obvious but his self restrain keeping him in control. The surrounding agents lowered their weapons and took steps back, still receiving death glares from Steve and the other Avenger’s who were circled around Bucky protectively.   
Fury looked over at the luggage with a sigh then up to the Avengers.  
“So I take it some of you plan on remaining in our base for the next 72 hours as well?” He let out an annoyed sigh.  
“No actually,..... not some,.... all of us!...... We figured spending some quality time in an underground base in Nebraska was just the kind of team building, moral boosting, retreat we needed!....... And S.H.E.I.L.D is famous for it’s lavish hospitality and decor!” Stark’s voice carried as he gestured around with a cheesy smile and thumbs up to the heavily armed agents around them.  
“Well,... I expected Cap to insist on staying close by,..... figured maybe Black Widow and Clint would come to keep everything smooth,...... Mr. Wilson,..... I suppose your moral support and counseling services are understandable...... But I am at a loss as to Why Dr. Banner and Mr. Stark feel as through their presences are required?....... We have already received your extensive notes and lab reports detailing the Soldier’s toxicology and mechanical components that make up his arm,...... What other purpose do you hope to serve?” Fury crossed his arms as he fixed them both with his one eyes.   
Steve was standing next to Bucky, one hand on his back as his friend, focused his eyes on the ground, battling against the anxiety he felt when he looked up at the sounding agents who all watched him with fear and suspicion, like an explosive ready to detonate at a moments notice. Bucky swallowed and focused on controlling his breathing, aware of just how correct they truly were.  
“Good question Nickolas!..... The good Doctor and I feel that we can be of assistance to your no doubt highly trained, ubber professional medical team and mechanical specialists, offering our own insight, suggestions, thoughts and concern......” Stark made an extra motion with his hand.  
“We will also be monitoring the evaluation and observation process to assure that Sargent Barnes is protected from any unethical medical treatment or harassment and receives appropriate consideration for his psychological conditioning.” Banner stated with a smile beneath warning eyes. Fury looked at the doctor with a raised eye brow. He sighed again and shook his head as he looked at the assembled Avengers who stood fast and determined beside the fragile yet deadly Sargent who still kept his eyes averted, forced breathing through his noise, Steve’s arm wrapping around his shoulder’s protectively.  
“Fine,........ I will make arrangements for your accommodations but I want to make my self clear,...... None of you will interfere with my agents or medical staff as they conduct this evaluation and further more if Barnes becomes unstable and poses a threat you will work with us or get out of the way,..... I am not putting more people’s lives in danger because Captain America wants to protect his friend!....... Understood!” Fury’s tone was commanding, leaving no room for negotiation. The other Avengers looked to Steve who was fixing Fury with a serious expression, the two men locked in a battle of wills. After a tense stretch of silence, Bucky’s labored breathing audible, Steve finally nodded, keeping his arm around his friend.  
“We are here to cooperate Director Fury,..... Just make sure he’s treated fairly and kept safe,..... or I will show you just how protective I get when it comes to defending my friends!” Steve’s tone was just as stern and he waited for Fury to nod back, a tense truce created as all eyes went to Bucky who felt his mind racing but his face go blank as once more he fell back into his survival mode, preparing himself for whatever S.H.E.I.L.D planned to subject him to.


	13. Head full of Hydra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it begins. A lot of poor Bucky and a little bit of blood and gore descriptions. Be warned.

The underground base was brightly lit with white florescent blubs that reflected against the dark black tiles beneath Bucky’s boots as he kept his gaze down, his movements automated. Steve was beside him to his left, a hand on his shoulder watching his friend with concerned sidelong glances. On his right, in front and behind him where the armed guards. They too were glancing at him from the corner of their eyes but with looks of wariness and contempt. Bucky was following the footsteps in front of him, Director Fury leading them toward their loggings. Several steps behind, the other Avenger’s were following and Tony was chattering away, goading the heavily armed S.H.E.I.L.D agents as Natasha spoke with one of her former colleagues casually.   
The Director stopped and punched in a serious of numbers that Bucky instantly memorized with out conscious effort, and then he swiped a thumbprint that opened the reinforced door. Fury turned and lifted his arm with a nod, gesturing for them to step inside. Bucky walked through the door way with out hesitation and stopped when he was in the middle of the small but adequate room, Steve right next to him. Sgt. Barnes remained completely still, shoulders tense and eyes locked on the floor awaiting further instruction as focused on controlling his breathing and rapid hart rate. Despite the dread twisting in his gut and anxiety hammering his chest, he felt a resigned acceptance and familiarity with the situation, allowing his body to be directed by others, keeping his conscious mind numb and complacent.  
The other Avenger’s walked into the sparse room and took at the surroundings. A plain bed that was attached to the wall with a small table next to it, a toilet and sink with a curtain for privacy, and a single chair, plastic and modern, bolted to the floor. On the back wall was a long mirror, obviously used for observation, a herd of doctors and agents behind it taking notes as they watched the former Assassin with scrutiny. Steve glanced around with a sigh then to Bucky hoping to catch his eye and get a read on his expression. The Captain’s eyebrows knit in concern as his friend remained silent and detached, expression blank and hands in fists at his side. His chest was rising and falling with heavy breaths that were even but fast and a slight tremor ran through his body. He was other wise motionless, and the way he remained painfully still and tensely submissive instantly reminded Steve of the Winter Soldier instead of his best friend.   
Steve placed his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, facing him as he examined his friend with increased worry.  
“Bucky,..... Hey,..... You with us Pal?” Steve asked with a calm whisper aware that Fury and his men were just outside the doorway and there were more eyes and hears no doubt behind the large mirror. There was a stretch of silence followed by the smallest flinch and brief shudder.  
“M’Fine.” Bucky mumbled but did not raise his eyes, his expression unchanging.  
“Cap,...... I need you and the Avengers to follow me toward where you’ll be staying,..... We will let Barnes get settled in and then we can begin.” Fury spoke with a directive. Steve looked up at the others who were all watching Bucky and obviously noticed his demeanor and posture, feeling a mixture of sympathy and concern. Steve glanced worriedly at Sam who just nodded and took a step up to join Steve on Bucky’s right.  
“Hey Man,..... you gonna be okay?...... We are all still here,..... not going anywhere!........ Do you understand?” Sam asked with a slow and gentle tone. Bucky swallowed and nodded once, eyes remaining distant and gaze vacant. He took a few steps shifting away from them and sat stiffly on he edge of the bed, head hunched, shoulders tense and fists in his lap. his jaw was locked, muscle twitching as he breathed evenly through his noise awaiting what ever was coming next. Steve looked from Bucky to Sam and then the others with growing concern, his own fists clenching. Natasha walked up and patted him on the back pushing him toward the door way and then turned back toward Bucky. She looked down at him with soft compassion as she ran a hand through his short messy hair and then bent down and gave him a kiss on his cheek and whispered softly in Russian. Her words sent a small shiver of recognition and he returned a firm nod as his eyes briefly met hers, intense with deliberate restrain. She turned and walked out joining the others in the hallway as Fury punched in the codes and locked the door. Steve looked in through the small observation window with a final heartbroken glance before he reluctantly turned away, following Fury and the other Avengers.  
There were two bunk rooms across the hall from each other on the same level as Bucky’s room but in a different secure corridor. Each room had three military style cots, a desk and some chairs. There was a bathroom with a shower next to the room on the right and As they dropped off their bags and looked around Stark grinned and gestured with elaborate movements.  
“See,... this is exactly the kind of top notch hospitality I knew we could expect from Everyone’s favorite Big Brother agency!” Bruce rolled his eyes and Sam smirked.  
“Yea,..... your welcome.... go ahead and get comfortable, I will send an agent when we start the psychological assessments.” With that Fury walked away and Steve sat with a heavy sigh on one of the cots, whipping his face. Sam patted him on the back and Clint laid back in a near by cot.  
“Don’t worry Cap,.....Bucky has survived hell on earth,........ this will just be boring and mundane but he’ll get through it!” Clint offered.  
“What did you say to him Natasha?...... I hadn’t realized he remembered Russian now.” Steve sighed as he looked up at the Widow who was leaning in the doorway.  
“He remembers it some times...... When he gets like that,.....” She gestured with her head. “His mentality is survival mode as the Winter Soldier, forcing himself to accept orders and not fight back,......Maybe someday he’ll be able to break that conditioning,.... but right now he’s using it to keep himself from going berserk........ I reminded him that this is not Hydra, he is the one in control of his body.” She sighed and shrugged. “As long as he can keep himself from reacting violently toward anyone, I think he will be fine.” Natasha mused and Steve swallowed the lump in his throat.  
“And I intend to make sure no one here provokes him or creates a situation that puts him on the defense!” Banner offered and the others nodded. Steve offered a slight smile and shake of his head.   
“Thank you guys,..... for everything!...... I....” Steve swallowed again and Stark patted him on the back.  
“We are a Team Rogers!...... Like the musketeer’s but way cooler,........ One for all and all for one,..... that whole kinda thing!” Tony mused and the tension was lifted briefly as they waited for the next step.  
............................................................................................................................................  
Steve stood strait with his arms crossed over his chest, Sam at his side as they watched through the one way mirror in a small dark observation room looking down as Bucky sat stiffly in a chair at a small black table in a large, brightly lit room with one door guarded from the inside and outside. Across from him was a woman with a very guarded expression, eyes clinical and analyzing as she spared him frequent glances while writing down on her clipboard. There were multiple cameras around the room and they all played on a large monitor in a side room next to Steve and Sam where Fury remained with several more doctors and scientists. Natasha and Clint were asked to debrief their thoughts and perception’s of the Soldier’s threat level to a panel of ranking Shield operatives while Banner was consulting with other doctors and medical staff about his findings and the effects of the prolonged chemical manipulation suffered by Barnes. Stark had been requested to engaged with Shield’s legal team, his own lawyers and Pepper via video conference as they addressed the potential legal ramifications of the Avengers harboring a known terrorist over the past several months and how to best address the issue publicly.  
Bucky remained still in the chair, both hands on his lap and head down, gaze fixed blankly on the table in front of him. He waited, waited for a question or command, waited with a mind that was deceptively calm, deliberately void of conscious thought, a form of meditation that was anything but transcending, aware but detached as he blinked over an empty expression. The Doctor set down her pen and cleared her throat. The sound echoed and Bucky flinched just slightly but did not move, eyes still on the table, blinking.  
“What is your name?” The doctor asked after a momentary pause, her tone direct with out warmth or anger, brisk and to the point.  
“My name is Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes 325575.” Bucky’s voice was calm and automatic with out inflection and his eyes had not shifted.  
“Sgt. Barnes, look up at me please,..... I need you to make eye contact.” Once more the Doctor spoke with a calm clinical tone as she folded her hands before her, eyes watching him with interest. Bucky brought his head up, eyes fixed on the Doctor, his expression unchanging as he blinked at her, waiting for the next question.  
“How are you feeling right now Sgt.?” The Doctor asked and he broke eye contact for a moment, looking off to the side as he considered the question. a second later his gaze returned and he answer, his voice still even.  
“Fine.” She watched him for another long moment. Then picked up her pen and clip board.  
“Elaborate please Sgt.” The Doctor gave the command and then waited. Bucky blinked a few times and his brow crumpled slightly in thought as if recognizing his feelings was a difficult task in his current state of mind.  
“I feel......... prepared.......... to cooperate.” He swallowed and watched the Doctors reaction, searching her face to see if his answer was adequate. She looked at him for a moment in consideration then wrote a few things down.  
“I am going to hold up a serious of abstract images,....... I need you to tell me what you see, the very first thought that comes to mind.”  
Bucky tensed as he felt himself snap out of his self educed trance, senses suddenly becoming hyper aware. He had to answer correctly, had to pass their tests or he would be punished,.... or no, not Hydra but,.... still.... They could lock him away...... He had to prove that he was not insane, that he was not a dangerous and violent mess of confusion, anger and pain. The Doctor held up the first white card with black ink blocks decorating the front. Bucky sat forward, eyes narrowing in on the image as he clenched his fists under the table and focused on controlling his reaction.  
A woman’s body split in half from her throat to her pelvic bones as he cut away her stomach muscles, reached in and pulled out a roll of paper she had hastily swallowed that contained a serious of numbers.  
“Butterfly.” Bucky answered with a calm voice that held the slightest tremor, his hands gripping his thighs so hard under the table that they were bruising. She looked at him for a moment, pursed her lips, and then held up another.  
A large Russian man, bald with a thick mustache, standing over him with a whip in one hand, blood dripping as he smiled down at him with malice delight.  
“Santa Clause,...... holding rains of a sled.” Bucky’s voice sounded strained to his own ears and he cleared his throat and swallowed, his mouth dry. She held up another.  
A half burnt face crawling with maggots.  
“A....Uh..... fish,......on.....on a line.” His voice faltered slightly and his legs where throbbing with the pain of his gripping fingers. She looked at him for a long moment then put the cards down and sighed.  
“You are lying Sgt. Barnes....... Your lack of cooperation is impeding this evaluation.” She sighed as she began writing her notes. He blinked and sat upright and ridged with panic.  
“No,.....I....I am cooperating,..... I’m...i’m not.....” He began stammering as he placed his hands flat on the table with a slightly aggressive thud. The doctor jumped at the suddenness and the armed guard stepped forward gun pointed strait at him. Bucky took in a gulp of air and rose his hands slowly as he looked from the advancing guard toward the seated Doctor who watched him cautiously.  
From up above Steve was already ready to intervene but Fury blocked his way and held up one hand.  
“It’s just a tranquilizer Cap,..... non lethal,..... Barnes already knows that it’s just a precaution.” Fury reassured. Steve looked out the mirror as the Doctor nodded at the guard and he backed up again toward the door, gun still pointed toward Bucky.  
“You are lying Sgt,.... why?” The doctor asked with resumed calmness. Bucky gently placed his metal hand down and the other flesh one ran through his hair, no longer feeling detached or calm but instead, as if his heart was going to explode. His desperate mind raced with thoughts of how to answer her question while the ugly fragments of images flashed before him causing nauseating cramps in his stomach.  
“I..... I don’t.....” Bucky struggled to speak, voice sounding lost and broken as he looked at her with wide fearful eyes.  
“You don’t what?” The Doctor encouraged, tone marginally softer as she watched the drastic change in his demeanor.  
“Please...... Please....... don’t lock me away......... I don’t want to hurt anyone,....... I promise,...... I’ll kill myself before I hurt anyone else,......... I won’t let them get me back,...... I won’t be their weapon ever again!...... Please....... Believe me!...... Please!” His voice was desperate and choked, his body shaking as he pulled on his hair and closed his eyes tight against the threat of tears. He clenched his jaw and put his face in his arm on the table top, breathing escalating.  
Steve wiped his face and looked at Fury, eyes imploring as he pointed at his distressed friend. Fury looked at Steve with a sigh and then toward the broken man down below. The Doctor was still sitting at the table jotting down notes and the Guard was still locked and loaded, ready to fire the tranquilizer at a moment’s notice.  
“Sgt Banes,..... why do you think we would lock you away?” The Doctor asked calmly, unperturbed by Bucky’s display of emotions. After a few moments the Sgt. sat up, shoulders hunched, head hung as he leaned forward on his elbows. He sighed and felt his adrenaline give way to resignation as he spoke softly and with out pretense.  
“I know I’m messed up Doc,....... I got a head full of Hydra Bullshit and enough anger and guilt...... confusion to drive me outta my freakin’ mind!....... I am trying here,...... I am trying to be the man that I always thought I was,...... The man I was before the war,..... Before I lost everything and everyone.......” Bucky swallowed and looked up at her with eyes that shown bright with pain and remorse. The Doctor looked at him with a slight nod then glanced through the medical documentation provided by his new Psychiatrist.  
“Dr. Harmon has been prescribing you medication for your symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?” The Doctor questioned and Bucky swallowed and nodded, clasping his hands together in front of him. “And you have been compliant with taking the medication?” She asked still making notes.  
“Yes Mam...... I take ‘em in the morning and at night.” Bucky nodded again as he steadied his breathing, regaining his composure.  
“Good,.... I appreciate your honesty Sgt, Barnes....... If you will be so kind as to continue to answer my questions truthfully, then I believe we can make this process a lot less difficult and I can record that you have been fully cooperative with our evaluation.” She smiled curtly at him and waited for him to agree. He looked down at his shaking hands and swallowed with a nod.  
“Now,......tell me what you see...... Not what you think you should see?” She held up another ink blot and this time Bucky sighed heavily as he glared at the car and spoke with a voice that sounded haggard with emotional turmoil.  
“A blood soaked blanket ......under a man with his legs chopped off ...... He’s screaming.” Bucky whispered then looked away and swallowed.  
“Do you know why his legs were chopped off?” The doctor asked with a carful tone. Bucky kept his eyes looking away, blinking as tears threatened to spill out. His voice shook as he spoke with a hushed tone of deep guilt and misery.  
“Because,........ He wouldn’t tell him where the safe house was,..... where they were hiding the target.” Bucky sputtered as he sat back and wrapped his arms around his chest, still unable to look at the Doctor.  
“He would not tell who Sgt Barnes?” The Doctor insisted and Bucky let out a stifled cry as he covered his face with one hand.  
“The Winter Soldier.....” His voice was so broken and racked with guilt that his body was shaking, silent tears trickled from his eyes as he hastily wiped them away.  
“And who is the Winter Soldier?” The Doctor asked with a tone that was gentle and guiding. Bucky sighed heavily with wet eyes as he shook his head, a grimace on his face and when he looked back up at her his expression was one of contempt and self loathing.  
“Just a stupid, Goddamned mutt..... following orders...... doing what ever they tell him to do.......” Bucky sneered and gritted his teeth.  
“Why does he follow their orders?” She asked with an analytical tone. He shrugged bitterly with a snort, his expression becoming angry and he hugged him self tightly.  
“He doesn’t even know...... He doesn’t even realize he can fight back,..... that what he’s doing is wrong...... He knows it makes him feel sick, but...... he doesn’t know anything else,..... he only knows Hydra,..... They are his creator,..... he is nothing with out them.” Bucky gritted as he shook his head with disgust and frustration, a familiar feeling of helpless defeat clouding over his thoughts.  
“Do you ever feel that way Sgt. Barnes,...... Do you ever feel as though you are nothing with out Hydra?” The Doctor asked with careful wording. His eyes snapped to her and his jaw locked as his nostrils flared.  
“NO!.....” He snapped and his fists came down on the table making her jump again, the guard stepping forward but this time Bucky did not notice, his eyes glaring with intensity at the doctor. “Hydra is evil!....... They are worse then Nazis!......They will destroy everything!...... Cut off one head and two more shall take it’s place!........ Hydra will never stop,... they’re everywhere!....” Bucky’s breathing had escalated again, eyes wide in shear panic as he stood up from the table leaning toward the doctor with both palms flat on the surface. The Doctor jumped up and backed away as the Guard moved between her and the agitated man who had one hand in his hair as he stumbled back away from them, eyes looking everywhere at once, breathing hitched and a crazed gasp escaping his lips.  
“Hydra is everywhere,...... there is no escape,.... no use fighting,...... they can never be stopped!” Bucky was gasping as he backed against the wall both hands now in his hair, and eyes dilated large as he shook his head back and forth with panic and fear.  
“Sgt. Barnes,..... I need you to calm down and focus on your breathing.” The Doctor ordered from behind the guard who remained with his tranquilizer gun locked on the side of Bucky’s neck.  
“Bucky!...... Fury, let me calm him down!” Steve demanded already headed toward the doorway.  
“Easy Cap,....... we need to see how this plays out with out you getting involved remember!” Fury warned.  
“He’s having a panic attack brought on by a flash back Director!......... He needs a familiar face right now to bring him back, not a guard dressed in black with a gun pointed at him!” Sam protested as he gestured toward the scene below. They looked down as Bucky continued to mumble, the microphones in the room picking up his slur of mumbled words.  
“Hydra is everywhere,..... no escape,..... no escape.......Need to get out,......can’t... I can’t....I.....” Bucky collapsed to the ground with a shattered cry of desperation and anguish, hammering the sides of his head with both hands as he began screaming with guttural cry’s of fear and agony. Steve bolted out the door and down the stairs, tossing the guard to the side and bashing through the reinforced door as he ignored the in coming Shield agents that were advancing down the hall ordering him to stop. He stopped short as he saw the tranquilizer dart land in Bucky’s neck, the sudden pain jerking the disoriented man out of his self absorbed torment. His eyes were wild and he screamed in blind rage as he launched himself toward the guard who had shot him. Steve ran forward just in time to intercept Bucky and take them both crashing to the ground.  
“Bucky,... it’s me,..... calm down!” Steve struggled to restrain his flaying friend who was still screaming and fighting, gaze completely crazed with no recognition. Steve held on tight, wrapping his legs and arms around his friend as Bucky fought with all his strength until the sedative started to take effect, his movements becoming slow and jerky, clumsy limbs flaying as he cried, the angry grows giving way to pitiful whimpers, tears pouring down his face as he shook sobbing in Steve’s arms. The Captain shifted to sit up and cradle Bucky’s torso in his arms, holding him protectively to his chest as he whispered that he was safe, that Steve was there. He used Bucky’s scarf to whip the onslaught of tears and as Bucky slowly blinked and looked up at Steve with recognition he let out another haggard cry.  
“Steve!....... No,...... they will kill you!........ Steve...... please,...... help!...... Don’t leave me here!” He sobbed as his eyes grew heavier and his breathing slowed, unconsciousness finally taking hold. Steve sighed heavily then looked up at the room full of SHIELD agents who were gathered around, weapons lowered but still ready. Fury stood next to the Doctor who clutched a clip board and wore a tight expression. Sam was in the doorway, kept back by the guards, meeting Steve’s eyes with a look of deep concern.  
“He didn’t mean to,...... he was just..... Confused.” Steve’s voice felt hollow in his ears as he tightened his protective grip on Bucky and glared up at Fury.  
“Yea,....... He has been here less then three hours and he has already gotten,..... Confused...... This is what we’ve been worried about Cap...... You are strong enough to stop him,..... but what happens when your not there?” Fury asked with a sigh, actually sounding like he felt sorry for the former assassin.  
“He’s been getting better,....... he hasn’t tried to hurt anyone.....” Steve tried to sound determined. There was a long tense silence.  
“How long will he be out?” Fury asked out loud.  
“Based on his metabolism between two and three hours.” The doctor answered.  
“Good........ Will that be enough time for a physical assessment?” Fury asked still keeping his gaze on the unconscious young man cradled in the Captain’s arms.  
“It should be,..... we can re-administer the drugs if we need more time.” Another Doctor walked up looking at his own clipboard with a nod.  
“What are you going to do to him while he’s unconscious?” Steve demanded with a mistrusting tone.  
“Just a physical examination Captain Ragger’s, but it will be easier and certainly less potentially triggering if he is not conscious during the examination. Steve swallowed and looked over toward the door way where a stretcher was wheeling in with two more doctors and a concerned Bruce Banner with them, also wearing a lab coat. He gave Steve a nod, assuring that he would be with Bucky during the exam. With a resigned sigh, Steve got to us feet lifting Bucky in his arms as he lay him down gently on the stretcher, arranging his friend’s limp body as he used a thumb to whip away a single stray tear from his deceivingly peaceful expression. He watched with Sam at his side as the doctors excited with Bucky in tow, a heavy sense of despair pulling Steve’s mouth into a frown as he shook his head.


	14. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, It’s about to get intense! Rated M for references to past abuse and violation. Bucky is about to have a really rough time but things will get better,…. Just not for a bit. Hang on kids! And reviews are encouraged and welcomed.

The next three days were difficult at best and utterly agonizing at worse with Steve and the other’s watching as Bucky was given numerous psychological assessments, asked constant questions about who he was and why he talked about the Soldier as a different person and instructed to explain the thinking behind certain assassinations accredited to the Winter Soldier and the significance they held to Hydra. He was asked about why he wanted to talk with Rumlow and how he felt toward Peirce, the therapeutic dialog often leaving him feeling bare and exposed and vulnerable. He was unable to raise his head or make eye contact with the others, flinching when Steve tried to console him at the end of the long day when he was permitted to join the Avengers for a few hours before once more being separated and locked into his room.   
Fury also had him trying to give details of different international bases and intel into Hydra’s operations. When he drew a blank or was unable to provide more then vague details his anxiety became worse, fearing that they would consider him tactically useless and too unstable to be trusted, serving no purpose. He was asked to drawl, paint, write, respond to visual stimuli, noises and smells, expressing what thoughts or images came to mind as he struggled to remain composed. Bucky to his credit tried his best to be cooperative and keep his head on strait but at times it proved too difficult and he would either withdrawal completely, becoming catatonic or he would lash out with anger and verbal aggression, shaking with restraint to prevent the urge to become physically violent and try to escape.  
It was the mid afternoon of his third and supposedly final day of observation and evaluation when Bucky met the final doctor who was reviewing with him what he knew of the Hydra codes used to control him as an Asset. It had been clear that Bucky’s understanding and recollection was not precise much like many of his memories. The Doctor was showing him pictures of past Hydra agents from Europe and Russia, asking him to identify them if he could. One picture came up and Bucky froze, his breath catching as his eyes landed on the face of the last Russian Handler the Soldier had been used by before being transferred to America. The man was younger in the photo then on the day the Winter Soldier had finally bashed in his skull, fighting for his life and Natasha’s in the blood soaked conference room of Avenger Tower. It had been only three months ago, but before he had become himself again and the memory had been lost in his muddled mind until right at that moment, the recognition hitting him hard.   
“Sgt Barnes?....... Who is this man?” The doctor questioned as he saw the confused expression and look of terror in the distressed man’s face. Bucky didn’t answer, his breath caught and his vision shook as fragments of distorted images raced through his mind along with the stench of human sweat, vodka and clouds of cigar smoke. Bucky coughed as he rubbed his face with an uncontrolled shudder.   
“Sgt.?” The Doctor asked again and Bucky let out a shaky breath as he cleared his throat and focused on his breathing.   
“Russian,....... he’s dead now.” Bucky choked out and pushed the picture away as he closed his eyes against a wash of raw emotion and fragmented memory, too painful and volatile to emerge. What ever the man in the picture had done to the Soldier, it was the same nauseating memory that had gnawed at him the night he had burned himself with the cigarette. The fear of knowing just how terrible the memory was with out the specifics had resulted in James attempting to bury it deep in his mind, focusing on anything and everything else and yet it had remained a constant shadow in the background of his tumultuous conscious. Just one look at the man’s cruel and sadistic face was enough to bring the feelings crashing back and he swallowed down the rise of bile in his throat.  
“This man,..... He was a former Russian Handler,........ We were told he had reluctantly transferred you over to Sectary Peirce some years after the Cold War.” The Doctor pressed, watching as Bucky shifted uncomfortably, desperately wanting the sick, panicked feeling to go away as he ran his hands through his hair.  
“Yea,....... he was really bad,....... maybe worse then some of the others,...... I don’t know why but,......... I feel sick looking at him.” Bucky’s breathing had increased and he looked hard at his metal hand.  
“You don’t remember what he did that was worse then the other Handler’s?” The Doctor questioned, his tone suggesting that he could tell Bucky, that he could provide the missing piece to the puzzle. Bucky looked at him with uncertainty and swallowed nervously.  
“You know,..... what he did?” Bucky asked with a growled whisper. The Doctor nodded slowly, folding his hands as he watched Bucky process the information.  
“Do you want me to tell you?” The doctor asked gently, his eyes monitoring his patient’s reaction. Bucky chewed on his lip, a growing pressure building in his chest and his head was starting to throb. He shook his head as he blinked, trying to dispel the collecting fog of memory that loomed in the shadow of his mind threating to consume him with helpless fear and debilitating shame. He stood up and paced, pulling on his hair, brow pensive.  
Steve was with the others, all of them in the observation room; ready to make a break for it after a grueling three days that left them all exhausted. Steve was ridged as he watched the interaction below and he felt a burst of anger leave his throat as a strangled cry. He looked over at Fury with anger and fear.  
“What’s he doing?....... Why would he tell him that,...... Bucky doesn’t need to remember that Fury!” Steve shook his head feeling his own swell of rage and grief grip his chest.   
It had been revealed to him after the in-depth physical exam on the first day that their suspicions of sexual violation and abuse form the Russian Handler had been confirmed. There was old scaring, evidence of being brutally and violently torn apart in a way that was beyond sadistic lust and subjugation. They had hurt him, savagely and with malicious intent, forcing him to serve a purpose Zola had certainly never intended for the fist of Hydra. The effects had been documented when he had been revived in America after the transfer from Russia, having been placed in Cryo-freez with out the required wiping to clear his memory. What had been done to his friend specifically was not relayed to Steve or the others but the intent had been clear. The Russian’s had been forced to give up their favorite weapon and plaything, so in revenge, they committed acts that were so degrading and humiliating, the confusion and chaos reeked havoc in the carefully regimented programming of the Winter Soldier, compromising his ability to function when being revived by the Americans. They had broken their toy Soldier on purpose and sent him gift wrapped to America in shattered pieces.  
“It’s his decision Steve if he wants to know what they’ve done to him,..... you can’t protect him from his own memories Cap.” Fury offered with a genuine look of sympathy. Despite his hard edge, watching the pain and suffering and learning just how powerless Barnes had been working as a slave for Hydra had forced Fury to get over his grudge toward the man who had almost killed him, recognizing where his anger should truly be directed. They looked back down at Bucky as he paced the room, anxious uncertainty on his face as he struggled with his own need to know and his desperate fear that it would shatter him completely.  
“No,..... it’s all bad,..... it’s all pain and........No.” He stammered finally, looking back at the Doctor with pleading eyes, haunted with unspoken trauma that lay almost exposed beneath the surface, a thin layer of denial wrapped around a bleeding wound. Bucky rubbed his face, eyes exhausted from lack of sleep as his nightmares had been worse with in his confined room and Steve had been kept away from offering comfort.  
“Very well Sgt. Barnes,........ There is one final test that we must administer and I will need you to calm down and focus before we begin. The doctor explained. Bucky sighed and nodded as he focused on his breathing, walking back to the table and picking up a cup of water as he swallowed the refreshing liquid.  
Fury looked over at one of the guards in the room who nodded and excited, shutting the door behind him with a reinforced lock. The sound alerted Steve and the others as they all rose to their feet and stared at Fury.  
“This last test,..... it might be hard to watch,..... but I need all of you to remain in here or it will compromise the results.” Fury explained.  
“What the hell are you going to do to him Nick!” Steve snapped, a warning in his eyes and tone.  
“We need to see weather his programing is still intact enough to be used against him or if his ability to fight back is strong enough to brake it.” Fury explained.  
“How?” Natasha questioned with her own firm demand. Fury sighed as he looked at her and then to the others.  
“Rumlow informed us during one of our more physical interrogations, that after The Soldier was brought to America, he went ballistic when they woke him up, programing compromised by what the Russian’s had done to him.......” Fury paused as Steve’s jaw twitched. “ He killed a bunch of their doctors and technicians, tried to harm himself, behavior erratic and unpredictable...... They had to whip him using a higher voltage and then recondition him. They came up with a new set of command codes that would override the Russian’s orders incase there was ever a power play and the Asset was turned against them.” Fury explained as the others considered the information.  
“Your gonna give him the orders and see what happens?” Clint surmised with a groan, the others all shaking their heads and mumbling angrily, Steve huffing with anger.  
“Don’t!” Steve warned and Fury looked at him with a sad shrug.  
“We need to know Steve,.... your life,..... all of your lives could be in danger if a sleeper cell manages to activate his programing.” Fury concluded and before Steve could protest further the Doctor spoke again.  
“Are you ready Sgt. Barnes?” The Doctor asked calmly as James sat slumped at the table, eyes off to the side as he nodded his head.  
“Yea,..... lets just get this over with.” He sighed sounding exhausted. The Doctor glanced over to a guard who walked up and placed a handgun on the table between the two men. Bucky instantly shifted back, eyeing the gun with a narrow glance then up at the Doctor.  
“What....” He started to ask but was interrupted by a direct, sharp tone spoken by the Doctor, who looked him directly in his eyes.  
“A Serpent sleeps at the gate of the Underworld.”   
Bucky’s body tensed, every muscle frozen as his mind felt like a jolt of electricity ripped through him. He remained completely still, breathing shallow as he watched the doctor with fear and confusion.  
“Sgt, Banes,.... can you hear me?” The Doctor asked and Bucky did not move a muscle, his eyes locked on the doctor as he struggled to breath. “Sgt. Barnes can you move?...... Move your hand?” Again Bucky remained frozen, only the look of panic and fear evident in his eyes, his body trembled with tension.  
“The Beast must be tamed by Man alone.” The Doctor stated in the same authoritative voice. And Bucky’s body slid from the chair kneeling on the floor as he brought both hands behind his head, a strangled gasp of air as he again went still, body shaking with tension. The Doctor stood up and pushed the table and then chair to the side. He had his clipboard out and was writing down Bucky’s response as the frozen man made plaintive whimpers in his throat, terrified by his lack of control.  
“Fury,.... you made your point!...... Release him!” Steve demanded feeling his chest grow tight as he watch Bucky helplessly struggle against his own forced submission.  
“Almost done Cap,..... he might be able to break it.” Fury sounded hopeful and the others looked down with deep concern.  
The Doctor set down his clipboard and came closer to the Sgt.  
“You must stand up Sgt,..... You must break free of this programming, this conditioned response........ If you want to be free of Hydra, and free to heal as a man then you must stand up!” The Doctor spoke with directness, his eyes challenging. Bucky let out a strangled cry as he visibly jerked, as if his body was fighting it’s self. He grit his teeth and let out a pained whimper as he remained frozen in the locked position of submission. The Doctor then picked up the gun and pointed it at Bucky’s head.  
Steve was immediately changing for the door but found it unable to budge.  
“Fury this is sick!..... Let him go!” Clint barked as Stark opened up his suite case, Ironman suite flying on him as he glared at the Director. Natasha pushed Steve aside as she began using her scanner to break the lock code on the door.  
“Listen to me,..... we need to see if he can break it!...... The gun isn’t loaded,...... Just wait!” Fury tired to reason But Steve came back at him and through him against the wall angrily.  
“STOP THIS NOW!” Steve demanded and turned toward the viewing window as he heard another strangled cry. Bucky was convulsing against the programming, tears streaming down his face and teeth gnashed as he fought to move his locked body. The Doctor then set the gun down in front of Bucky and picked up his phone.   
“Sgt. Barnes I am going to inform Captain Rogers’s that you are beyond help and will be mandated to S.H.E.I.L.D custody, locked away where you will never be able to harm another soul......... I will make this call to the Director right now unless you move your body and break this programing.” The Doctor’s tone was serious with absolute intent and Bucky began hyperventilating as he stained against his own muscles, the pain and shear agony visible on his sweat covered face, slick with perspiration and tears.  
“P........P.....leeaaase.......... No.......” Bucky choked through a clenched jaw, eyes begging. The Doctor stalled and waited then raised the phone.  
“You can do this Sgt Barnes,.... You are stronger then Hydra,..... Break this programing and you are free to go back with Captain Rogers!” The Doctor’s tone of voice was encouraging and threatening at the same time.  
“I am gonna blast it!” Stark warned as he pointed at the one way mirror repulse up.  
“Stark,....... he’s doing it!...... He’s breaking the programing,.....just as he did with the Russians when they attacked your Tower, He will be free from the American’s now too,..... you know he will never be able to live with out fear of falling back into their hands unless you let him break this here and now!” Fury demanded. Stark hesitated and looked at Bucky as they all watched with agonizing sympathy as he jerked his body until his flesh arm final came down from behind his head with a desperate cry then the metal one. He crumpled to the floor in a heap as he shook violently, metal hand holding him up as he vomited. The mirror blew into pieces and Steve jumped through the hole and onto the ground next to his friend and the startled Doctor. The armed guard in the room-advanced but was instantly driven back as Natasha and Clint intercepted him. Steve was by Bucky’s side instantly, wrapping an arm around him as he empty the contents of his stomach between pain filled gasps for air. Stark landed next to the Doctor, face mask up as he pushed him against the nearest wall.  
“You call your self a Doctor!” Stark spat as he turned and pointed toward Bucky who was still unable to control his body, dry heaving, gasping and crying as he spasmed as if electricity were coursing through him. He couldn’t breath, couldn’t focus, everything was distorted and blurred and loud, He felt like he was going to die, like a panic attack and a flash back but amplified and a hundred times worse. He was aware of people around him but not who, every thought jumbled and distorted and so full of pain it was blinding, like being in the chair while at the same time having a grenade explode in his chest, the overwhelming agony was all consuming.  
Steve was calling his name franticly as he tried to get Bucky to respond. The gasping man was choking and blood was trickling down his noise, eyes rolling as his body suddenly arched back, his head almost slamming on to the ground if not for Steve hand catching him. He looked up with panic as Bruce and Sam ran to his side, Steve struggling to hold the flaying body.  
“It’s just like before,...... Like when he first came to me!” Steve spoke with hast as Bucky seizured violently in his arms. Bruce nodded and took out a syringe plunging it into Bucky’s neck. “No,.... What?” Steve gasped but Banner just nodded at him with a calm authority and reassurance.  
“Steve, it’s the detox chemicals I was treating the Winter Soldier with combined with a strong dosage of Thorozine.......... It will stop the body’s response to the psychotic reaction and stabilized the chemical distortion in his brain that the programing invoked.” Banner spoke with hast as he took a clean cloth and whipped Bucky’s face clean of Blood, his body already slowing it spastic jerks, eyes still unfocused and rolling but blinking. He was gasping and appeared completely despondent but less frantic.  
“I got you Bucky,..... Breath pal,...... Your okay......Your safe!” Steve promised as he looked down at Bucky’s pale, sweat and tear covered face, his eyes blinking rapidly and face muscles twitching as uncontrolled whimpers escaped his throat, hands flexing and shaking, body still racked with shuddered spasms. More doctors entered as did Fury and before Steve could react the other Avengers stood between them, guarding Steve as he held onto Bucky protectively, shielding him with his own body.  
“You get these people the hell away from him Fury!...... We played your game,..... let you poke and prod and tear him apart,....... He broke the God Damned triggered programing,..... he’s no longer a threat!...... We are taking him back to the Avenger’s Tower for medical treatment and Psychiatric therapy,....... You and your people have done enough damage!” Dr. Banner was furious and he shook as a green color tinted his skin. Instantly the Director backed up and the Doctors all fled out the door.  
“I understand why your all upset,...... But this had to happen!” The Director explained.  
“Not like this Fury!......... You cant just force someone to break through deeply ingrained programing like that,...... we don’t even know what damage that might have done to his psyche!.... You could have triggered something he can’t come back from!” Sam yelled in anger as he shook his head.  
“It was the only way to give him back control.” Nick sighed.  
“Bullshit Nick,..... What you just did was exactly like Hydra!....... You didn’t care how any of this would effect his recovery,.... you just wanted him to be deactivated as one less potential threat to deal with!” Natasha stammered, rarely allowing her emotions to get the better of her. Nick sighed again as he shook his head. Steve held Bucky tight in his arms and stood up with his friend curled and shaking, making distressed choking noises as his eyes flickered erratically, trembling like a victim of shell shock.   
“What’s wrong with him,..... it’s worse,..... it’s worse then before!....... Why.....” Steve felt his own panic gripping his heart as he looked down at his friends pained features, his body seemingly completely out of his control. Sam took off his sweat shirt and covered Bucky’s twitching face, his muscles spastic and erratic, expression contorted. Steve looked from Bucky up to Sam and then Bruce with growing dread.  
“Lets get him home!” Stark spoke with calm authority despite his own quiet rage. Clint and Natasha lead the way, keeping the Shield agents back as Bruce and Sam followed Steve who carried Bucky quickly, panic evident on the Captain’s face. Stark paused as he passed Nick, helmet down and tilted in his direction. “We trusted you Fury,... From now on we are helping this kid our way,.... our Doctor, our Therapist and our lawyers,..... I’ll let you know if we are going to let Shield be involved with the Trial.... And when Bucky is ready,,..... he is going to talk with Rumlow on his terms!.” Stark seethed and then left the Director standing in the room that smelled of sweat, vomit and fear.


	15. Picking up the Peices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in case I wasn’t clear last chapter, The Avengers now know for certain that Bucky was assaulted sexually by the Russian Hydra Handler and his Strike team right before he was transferred to America BUT Bucky still dose not know. He is constantly remembering horrific things from the Winter Soldier’s past but this particular memory was so traumatic and horrific that his mind continues to suppress it. All he knows is that something really bad happened that even the WS side of him couldn’t handle. Also when they were doing the physical he was unconscious from the Tranquilizer dart in the Chapter before. Okay the theme of this story is recovery is not a strait line and what just happened defiantly took Bucky a few steps back (He starts off this Chapter Crazy!) but he has Steve and the Avengers to help him get through it!!!!

It had been almost a week since the Avenger’s had made it back to the Tower with a mentally shattered and confused Sergeant Barnes and each day had been a step toward recovery. When they had first arrived at the tower he was almost catatonic and Natasha and Bruce had helped Steve clean his sweat drenched body and dress him in comfortable lounge pants and a tee-shirt, his eyes vacant and breathing shallow as he remained unresponsive, body limp and compliant. Bruce had placed him in a medical bed with an iv drip and gave him another dose of theorize, the sedative effect eventually pulling his heavy lids shut. His face was blank and calm as Steve pulled up a chair next to him and stroked his brow gently. With a heavy sigh he took Bucky’s flesh hand in his and asked Jarvis to play his relaxing music, the calm jazz of their youth. Steve watched Bucky with remorse and deep concern as Natasha reassured him that in the morning things would get better. Her sentiment, while well intentioned, proved to be very wrong.   
The next morning, Bucky had awoken speaking only in gibberish, eyes wild as he paced the medical ward pulling on his hair and yelling. He was unresponsive when Doctor Banner and Steve tried to call to him and he did not acknowledge Natasha’s Russian commands to calm down. The Avengers watched with an anxious helplessness as the psychotic man stumbled around the room shaking and rambling nonsense between desperate sobs, screaming with animalistic fear and cowering if anyone got within three feet of him. Steve watched with a crushing pain in his chest as Bucky cried out with fear and desperate confusion, shouting with broken, wounded sounds as his wide eyes scanned the room franticly and yet saw nothing, gaze dilated and shaking. When Dr. Harmon appeared trying to calm him down, Bucky roared like a cornered beast before slamming his hands into his head over and over as he backed against the wall. Steve tried to stop him but the moment he was close enough to touch, Bucky cried out again with an anguished sob, striking Steve in his chest with the metal arm and sending him flying back. Bucky crumpled to the floor screaming and sobbing and mumbling as he squeezed his eyes shut and rocked himself, arms wrapped tightly around his chest. His Psychiatrist was at a loss and explained that it was possible the stress of breaking the deeply implanted programming in such an abrasive and forceful way had shattered Bucky’s psyche and he was struggling to piece it back together.   
Steve stayed up that night sitting in a chair with tears of guilt and remorse as Bucky sat huddled in the corner of the med lab rocky and screeching, making strange noises of distress and mumbling desperately to himself with out words. The Captain was devastated and racked with guilt that he had allowed S.H.E.I.L.D to push his recovering friend over the edge of sanity, leaving him more of a shattered mess then he had been in the whole six months of struggling to reclaim himself. Steve called out to Bucky with a broken sob from across the room as Bucky remained rocking in the corner, puling on his hair with anguished cries and gasps of pain and despair, occasionally biting his fist as he glanced with fear in Steve’s direction.  
It wasn’t until around noon the next day that Bucky awoke from his spot curled on the floor, blinking in confusion as he moved stiffly. He glanced around calm but disoriented and his eyes landed on Steve who was hunched forward in the chair across the room with a desperate look, eyes wet. Bucky tilted his head and frowned at Steve’s distraught, yet optimistic expression, then struggled to his feet, stumbling, uncoordinated toward the Captain who stood up and closed distance just as Bucky was about to collapse. He fell heavily into Steve’s arms, groaning with relief and then let out a muffled sob into the Captain’s chest. Steve carefully guided his friend to lay down on the medical bed, wiping the tears from his face as he asked him if he was hungry.  
Steve felt a pang of disappointment and heart ach when Bucky frowned at him in obvious confusion, not understanding the language. Steve remained by his side asking Jarvis to request Natasha bring some soup to the lab and try to talk to him in Russian. She entered a few minutes latter with a tray and set it down in front of him. Bucky watched her with a weary, confused expression, as if trying to place her face. She stood still with a soft smile until his eyebrows lifted in recognition and he looked to Steve and nodded happily, the first smile either of them had seen since before his stay with SHIELD. However when she tried to speak Russian to him his face contorted and he tilted his head in confusion then looked away, biting his lip as they realized he was completely lost. Steve offered him gentle reassurances and stroked his hair to calm him down as he pouted, then encouraged him to eat the tomato soup which he did hastily, earning him another helping with a chunk of bread that he placed in the soup with a pleased smile.  
Latter, Bruce came in and the same thing happened as before where Bucky studied his face until finally recognizing him. He was child like as he gabbed Bruce’s hand and used it to pat his own head the way Steve had stroked his hair earlier. Banner and Steve both chuckled at him but it was sad and The Doctor tried his best to keep a smile on his face, checking his vitals and scanning his brain functioning. He explained to Steve that it appeared breaking the programming was in a way, like a reset switch and that Bucky was sorting through his mind, healing from the traumatic overload by gradually settling back into his remembered consciousness. The others stayed away, giving him space as he worked through it, the random bursts of memory and thought causing him to grimace and clutch his head but his mumbling was less and he didn’t flinch away or scream when Steve offered comforting touch.  
The next few days were more or less the same with him clinging to Steve’s side as they went around the tower. He was silent mostly; expression neutral unless they greeted one of the others and then he offered shy smiles, or awkwardly leaned into them for a hug. In may ways it was like he was the Winter Soldier again but less brooding and more tactile, like a toddler discovering the world around him. Steve couched him to eat and Bucky sought his permission and approval for every little thing, silently with pleading or questioning eyes. Steve had figured out quickly when Bucky was squirming next to him on the couch that he needed to use the bathroom. Steve told him to go, that he didn’t need permission but Bucky wouldn’t move until Steve walked him over to the bathroom and promised to remain right outside the door. The Captain blushed with embarrassment as he waited by the door, Natasha and Clint both offering sympathetic glances and nods.  
That evening Steve helped him bath, just as he had the first night in his apartment six months before, when Bucky was still the confused and broken Winter Soldier, physically ill and terribly malnourished. It was hard for Steve to maintain a tight lipped smile as he helped wash his friend who’s eyes were vacantly fixed on the water, submissive and compliant and not at all James Buchanan Barnes. Steve tried to breath through the tightness in his chest as he contemplated the months of hard earned progress and recovery that had been abruptly shattered, stolen from his best friend and exposing once more the fragile, tormented soul beaten to the point of no resistance.  
At night he followed Steve to his room and curled up in his bed with out hesitation, pressing his forehead to Steve’s chest as the Captain wrapped him protectively in his arms. He still had night meres but since he had begun taking his medication again they were less violent and Steve usually awoke to mumbled whimpers and slight shivering. The Captain would wrap him tighter in his arms and hum a soothing melody until the whimpers stopped and his expression eased.  
By the fifth day he was becoming more aware of himself and began preferring to keep a bit of distance, following Steve but a few feet away, greeting the others with a firm nod but shaking his head if they tried to touch him. At one point he grabbed Steve’s arm as they were heading for the rooms and steered him back to the elevator, pressing the button that took them to the Gym. Steve followed his lead and nodded in encouragement, happy to see that he was making decisions for himself. When they arrived in the Gym, Natasha and Clint had just begun sparing and Bucky watched them with intrigue, arms crossed as he studied their fighting styles. When they were done he walked over toward a robotic sparing drone that he had been using regularly up until his trip to the SHIELD base. He turned it on with out hesitation began mimicking both Natasha’s moves and Clint’s before ending the battle with slamming his metal fist with raw power and a fierce growl. When he stood back up, and wiped his brow he looked up at Steve and the others with raised eyebrows as if asking for their approval. Steve walked over and nodded with an astonished look as Clint whistled and Natasha did a slow clap. Steve smiled and ruffled his hair with a sigh as Bucky smiled back, pleased with him self.  
The very next day he was acting almost like him self with the exception that he still hadn’t spoken after the initial yells and mumbling of the first two days. He greeted the others with polite smiles and recognition and watched a movie with Steve. He joined Tony later that night in the lab, offering a tentative smile with a sheepish expression as if asking if he could join him. Stark waved him in with a sarcastic and snaky comment but patted him on the back with a genuine smile, sharing the collective relief that Barnes did appear to be on the mend. He remained there most of the night working on his motorcycle, huffing in annoyance at one point when he connected a wrong part and rolled his eyes good naturedly when Stark teased him.  
In the morning after sleeping in his own bed rather then Steve’s, The Captain found Bucky standing on the balcony, elbows on the railing with a soft smile gracing his lips as the morning sun rose. He turned and faced Steve with a side smile and shook his head at the desperate hope on Steve’s face, his smile lopsided and dumb as he stared with fondness at his best friend. Bucky huffed dramatically and pulled Steve into a warm hug, letting out a sigh as they separated and Bucky again looked out over the city.  
The rest of that day was causal and almost back to a routine as Bucky sought out Natasha for yoga and Banner for Chess, actually winning for the first time in a mouth. Bucky smirked confidently and bowed with dramatic flair as Banner rolled his eyes with a smirk of his own. Later that evening he was in the kitchen with Pepper helping to set the table before dinner when Steve walked in with Clint and offered a nod. Bucky smiled and winked at Steve as he picked up a bowl of red grapes with an exaggerated smile and raised eyebrow. Both men stopped with confused expressions and Bucky smirked as he took a hand full and gestured to throw one into Steve’s mouth. The Captain laughed as he rolled his eyes but caught the grape anyway and the next six that Bucky was now throwing further and further away until Captain America had to flip backwards over the couch to catch one landing with a, ‘Ow,....I got it!’ Bucky clapped his flesh hand over his forehead in a fit of laughter, the humor spreading to Clint, then Pepper and Steve as the other Avenger’s trickling in for dinner with quizzical expressions as they watched them chuckle.  
They sat at the table, passing dinner rolls and discussing varies subjects while Bucky sat quietly eating as he listened and watched. When there was a lull in conversation he cleared his throat with a shy soft sound and the others all turned to him instantly with surprise. Bucky looked up at each person, his face brimming with a mixture of emotion, cheeks red as he blushed and looked back down.  
“I....uh,.....I just wanna say,..... Thanks,....... for...... ya know,....... for everything..... I.....” His voice faltered and he fiddled with his fork nervously as he smiled with embarrassment. Instantly he felt Sam’s hand on his back and he looked back up, each person fixing him with warm smiles and nods.  
“Glad you found your way back to us Bucky!” Steve offered with a grateful expression and wet eyes, Natasha wrapping an arm around the Captain as he smiled at his best friend.  
“This calls for a toast!.....Cheers to the strength of will power and the endurance of the human spirit!” Stark offered raising his glass.   
“That was very eloquent Tony!” Pepper smiled as they all raised their glasses in the middle before bringing them back in to sip.  
“I have my moments!” Tony raised his eyebrows and they all smirked, the conversation continuing to flow around the table as Bucky smile with a new found sense of relief, knowing that now he was at least in control of his body even if he was still working on his mind.


	16. Demands for Justice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We got a long road ahead folks. About Half way there. Be strong!..... If Bucky can take it so can you fine readers!

Two more weeks passed with Bucky regaining his confidence and ability to function more or less independently. The medication and daily psychotherapy helped him stay grounded and reduced the severity of his still frequent panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares. Bucky was doing well, better then he had since before his ordeal with SHEILD and for that reason no one, especially Steve wanted to deal with the inevitable reveal to the public and the soon to follow trial that would ensue.  
Whenever Bucky was on his own, Steve would be debriefed by Tony and Sam, both expressing very real concerns about the need to act sooner than later. They watched the continuous news feeds showing the video footage of the Winter Soldier attacking Fury and his fight with Sam, Steve and Natasha while listening as conservative and liberal pundits alike demanded answers as to the where abouts of America’s most feared Terrorist threat. There were constantly panel discussions analyzing the revealed SHEILD and Hydra Intel that offered only vague details and past crimes associated to the man they labeled as a mercenary for hire, a ruthless Russian Assassin who helped Hydra almost destroy America and the world. He was demonized and spoken off with hatred and anger, demands for his apprehension and execution shouted on every major network by anyone with a voice on Television.   
Steve felt his gut twisting as he listened to the endless rants of the media personalities, and the numerous interviews with spouses and children of the S.H.E.I.L.D operatives that the Soldier had killed during Project insight. When the footage was too much to bare, Steve groaned aloud and begged Tony to turn it off, his head in his hands. Sam patted his back as Ironman crossed his arms and pinched the bridge of his noise.  
“We can’t keep avoiding this Steve,..... Yesterday Pepper was bombarded by reporters outside her office accusing her and Stark Industries of working with Hydra to conceal The Winter Soldier’s where abouts.” Tony sighed. “ Pepper’s a tough woman but when she called me she was shaken up...... Apparently we have been receiving hate mail and death threats and of course my stock is almost as bad as when I announced I was no longer selling weapons tec.” Tony shifted as he brought up a screen with a conference call, a team of eight lawyers all sitting around a crescent table talking animatedly. Stark queued in the sound and cleared his throat as the Captain sat up with a sigh, hands folded together, Sam still rubbing his back.  
“All right Gentlemen,....... and Lady!” Stark nodded to the loan female member of his legal council. “ What is our play here?” Stark asked with a tired sigh.  
“We need to schedule a live interview with Sergeant Barnes,.... Let him reveal his identity and explain his capture and detainment with Hydra,..... expose the Winter Soldier Project and offer transparency to the American people and the world at large!” One man spoke with a serious tone.  
“I don’t know if he would be up to that....... Talking about Hydra and what he went through has been difficult and mostly only discussed with his Psychiatrist.” Sam spoke up before Steve could outright protest the idea.  
“What if we contact CNN and offer them an exclusive Expose with a recorded statement from the Sergeant and a live interview with some of the Avenger’s explaining your involvement with his recovery.” The loan female lawyer suggested and Stark nodded thoughtfully as he glanced at Steve and Sam who looked interested.  
“Yea,..... that could work.” Tony agreed.  
“With out being able to question Barnes directly, the more information and details about his torture and manipulation, the better we will be able to create sympathy for his case..... We need to change public opinion from viewing him as a monster to a helpless victim if we are going to be able to plead immunity.” A younger lawyer spoke up matter of factly and received nods from the other partners.  
“Johnson’s got a very valid point,...... Right now this guy is public enemy number one,..... Hated as much as Bin Laden after 9/11...... We need pictures and video that show just how much in control Hydra was, and that he was not acting of his own accord.” Another assertive young man spoke up facing his fellow lawyers and then Stark.  
“Is that really necessary?...... Can’t we just vouch for him?...... The last thing Bucky would want is the world to know,.... to see the pain and suffering he went through....... He can’t even talk about it with us let alone expose it to the entire world.” Steve voiced with deep concern and hesitation.  
“No offense Captain but, your word, and the word of every single Avenger will not be good enough to combat the damage those eye witness video’s have done. They show him looking very much in charge of the situation and attacking with frightening violence and disregard for human life....... The Avenger’s may be heroes but it doesn’t mean you’re above the law and if you act like it, the people will turn on you with vicious force!” Yet another voice spoke up, a man who kept his steady gaze locked with the Captain’s.   
“How much time do we have before we need to do this exposé business?” Stark questioned and their was a shift amongst the legal team before the female lawyer spoke again.  
“Immediately,...... the sooner the better........ We can draft up a contract with the station that stipulates we get to receive an outline of their intended questions and we can dictate what topics are off the table...... We will need to gather all of the video and hard file documentation of the conditioning and programing Hydra subjected him to so that we can make our own presentation that can be looped on the major networks against the witness video’s........ We need Dr. Banner to talk about his toxicology and physical abuse,..... Mr. Wilson to provide explanations about PTSD in a relatable way that will appeal to the public’s understanding and we need Mr. Stark to explain why he chose to shut down his tower and conceal the Winter Soldier’s where abouts for the past seven months. Captain Rogers’s, you will be our character witness,..... Reminding people of who Sgt. Barnes was and what he sacrificed during the war,..... help people recognize that this was a good man who had his freedom taken and his mind manipulated.” The woman surmised as the other lawyers jotted down notes and spoke quietly about which news pundit would be best.  
Stark sighed again and rubbed his neck as he looked at a disconcerted Steve.  
“Look Cap,..... I know you don’t want to put him through this ordeal, especially after the hell SHEILD just forced on him, but our backs are up against the wall here,...... we need to be proactive before a swat team rushes in trying to take him into custody!” Tony shrugged as Steve swallowed and turned to Sam who sighed and nodded.  
“Okay,...... I’ll talk to him about it tonight,..........explain what is going on” Steve mumbled as he whipped his face. A young lawyer that had been silently taking notes held his cell phone off to the side.  
“Just got confirmation that Anderson Cooper wants to host the interview and CNN is gonna give it a two hour special. They will play ball with the contract.” The lawyer spoke up. “ They want to set it for this Wednesday at 8 pm...... can we make that work?” He asked facing everyone then turning to Tony. Stark glanced at Steve who seemed startled by the suddenness and uncertain.  
“Does it have to be that soon?..... Can’t we give him a at least a week to prepare?” Steve asked with a plaintive but commanding voice.  
“Captain Rogers,... the longer we put this off the more it will damage his case!” The senior member of the legal team spoke with a calm assertiveness that could not be refuted.  
“It’s been seven months,..... why does a few extra days matter?” Sam asked. There was a pause and the lawyers shifted as they glanced nervously at one another.  
“We.....have sources at the Justice Department,...... apparently the Attorney General has been pressuring S.H.E.I.L.D for information about the Winter Soldier and this morning we were informed that the F.B.I will be investigating Stark Industries and the Avengers,........ a search warrant for the Tower will no doubt be one of the first steps they take,..... it’s only a matter of time.” The lawyer shifted with a sigh as the other attorneys waited to see Ironman’s reaction.  
“The F.B.I is going to come stick their big, fat, invasive noise in our superhero hangout?...... Not a chance in hell!....... I don’t care what strings you have to pull, what favors you have to call in or palms you have to grease,... you keep those God Damn G-Men out of our home!” Stark fumed as he slammed his fist on the table, eyes burning with anger as he glared at his legal council. There was a moment of tense silence as the lawyers all nervously glanced at one another. Steve and Sam watched Tony with appreciative glances.  
“If we can offer full disclosure and a promise to comply with their investigation by turning over evidence and ensuring that Sgt Barnes will be present for any and all legal preceding’s..... I believe we can persuade the F.B.I from pursuing a search warrant,..... but that means we need to contact them, make an offer and provide some initial documentation that shows we are willing to cooperate with the Federal courts.” The female lawyer spoke with a calm but direct tone.   
There was another long pause as Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes. He looked over to Steve and Sam, the Captain was leaning forward and resting his head in his hands and Sam was patting his back. When Steve looked up he winced at the deep concern and weariness he saw in Tony’s eyes, feeling guilty for dragging Stark into this mess and the public scandal that was putting pressure on him legally and finically. Steve swallowed as he realized that Tony was waiting for his acceptance and authorization to go ahead with the advice from his legal council. Steve offered a weak smile and nodded with a sigh, not missing the look of relief that passed over Stark’s expression as he smirked.  
“Okay, Confirm with CNN and contact The Federal Bureau of Ideots. We will send over everything we have and you lucky ducks can choose who gets to shift through it ,..... warning though,...... it gets pretty bad.......Stuff nightmares are made from....... The F.B.I will get the unedited documentation but we will be submitting the edited footage that CNN will be broad casting, Kapesh?” Stark shook his head and grabbed a scotch pouring himself one.  
“Understood, we will be sending over a consultant to assist with the recorded statement from Sgt. Barnes....... Also lets try to get him to wave confidentiality rights so we can have his Psychiatrist on hand for follow up interviews with other networks.” The female Attorney spoke matter of factly.  
“But what if he doesn’t want to wave confidentiality?,..... Bucky is not going to be okay with every one knowing what Hydra did to him!,...... He can barley look himself in the mirror, how is he going to live a normal life if everyone sees and hears his most humiliating and painful secrets?” Steve begged for his friend, knowing that revealing the dark details of his traumatic and torturous slavery under Hydra would wreck his friends slowly resurfacing self-confidence and ability to feel normal.  
“Captain,...... You need to explain to your friend that his pride needs to take a back seat to the very real trial that will be dictated largely by public perception.” The younger male lawyer who first suggested the video documentation spoke up and received an uncertain sigh and shake of Steve’s head.  
Captain Roger’s, Sgt. Barnes is asking for you to join him for a viewing of a Documentary about the Cold War,..... He is concerned that he may be triggered by the film but has expressed that he needs to watch it.  
Jarvis tone was direct as always. Steve sighed and rubbed his eyes with another shake of his head.   
“I will talk to him about it in the morning then,..... during breakfast.” Steve offered and Sam nodded.  
“We should all be there Steve,..... we can offer him support,...... help him face it.” Sam stated calmly and Tony nodded thoughtfully.  
“Okay team,...... lets make sure you’ re worth all the green I’ve been throwing at your firm since we took in our wayward Vet!” Toney grumbled as he signed off, fixing Steve with a sigh and a shrug. “We can do this Cap,..... and so can he!” Tony promised. Steve swallowed and nodded as he grit his teeth, feeling an uneasy tension grip his body and turn his stomach, dreading the next step that had to be taken.  
............................................................................................................................................

The documentary did indeed prove to be triggering and before it was completely over Steve turned it off as Bucky rubbed his temples in pain, rocking slightly and growling in distress. Steve had attempted to sooth his emotionally distraught friend however his mind would not stop racing, and Bucky became lost and disoriented, pushing away from Steve with frantic eyes and trembling hands. Eventually Steve sought out Bruce who administered a Thorizine shot to a despondent Sgt. Barnes who had been pacing and muttering in Russian for over an hour. Steve had guided Bucky back to his own bed and tucked him in, promising that everything would be okay even though he doubted his own words.  
The next morning Steve had persuaded Bucky to have breakfast with the other Avengers, the Sgt. having a slow start to the morning as he thought about the Documentary from the night before and some of the very unpleasant memories that had resurfaced. As they entered the common area Bucky looked around with a raised eyebrow, instantly aware that something was going on. All of the occupants of the tower were present and there was a buffet style breakfast set up with waffles, fruit and cream, eggs bacon and sausage, coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice. Bucky took a hesitant step back, body tensing as he looked questioningly at the faces around him and then to Steve who offered a soft smile with eyes that shown his deep worry.  
“What.....What is going on?..... Why...?” Bucky spoke nervously as he gestured broadly to the spread of food as he swallowed and licked his lips, his metal and flesh hands clenched in fists. Steve sighed and rested a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and nodded toward the food.  
“Lets get some breakfast and then we’ll talk okay?” Steve’s voice was soft, his eyes encouraging, and smile still plastered. Bucky swallowed again and couldn’t help but glance toward the exit with a deep breath. He wiped his face with his flesh hand and nodded then begrudgingly allowed Steve to guide him toward the breakfast buffet, taking a plate and placing food upon it with an automatic and emotionless expression, eyes not meeting anyone around him. As he took a seat the others joined him and Steve at the table with their own full plates.   
Everyone started eating in silence, each stealing glances at Bucky and Steve, The Captain taking a few bites while watching Bucky who remained prone in his chair, fists in his lap and eyes fixed on the untouched food. After a few moments Steve placed a hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off with a snort, narrowing his eyes but not looking up.  
“Bucky...... Your Waffles are getting cold.” Pepper spoke with a gentle voice from across the table. He rose his eyes slowly to glance at her with a swallow.  
“Sorry Ma’me,...... Don’t much feel like eating at the moment.” Bucky’s voice was low and monotone, his face blank as he found him self falling back into his emotionally detached mindset, the survival tactic that he had come to realize was his default when he was faced with unknown dread. Yet despite his desire to remain distant he couldn’t help but feel anger boiling just below the surface of his forced calm. He knew something was going on and he resented them all for not just telling him strait.  
“Bucky....” Steve tried to encourage him but was cut of by a hiss of contempt.  
“Just cut the crap Rogers!..... Tell me what’s going on!......Don’t make me sit here eating waffles while I wait for the shoe to drop!” Bucky spoke with a low but irritated tone as he glared at Steve, eyes demanding to know what dreaded news they were keeping from him. Steve looked at Bucky with a sad and wary expression before he sighed and swallowed putting down his fork. He met his friend’s fierce glare with eyes that communicated just how much he wanted to spare him from the inevitable pain.  
“Buck,....... Remember how we had talked about needing to go public,.... about how there would have to be a trial?” Steve’s voice was tentative and nervous as Bucky sat up straighter with growing eyes as he swallowed. He nodded stiffly, gaze unflinching as he waited for Steve to go on. “Well,.... Stark’s lawyers said that we need to make a public statement as soon as possible and they have made arrangements for us to go on the news and explain who you are and what happened...... You won’t have to be interviewed but we will need you to record a statement so that the American people can see that you are still Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes and that you’re no longer a threat.” Steve sighed as Bucky swallowed again and closed his eyes with a creased brow. He rubbed his forehead and sighed before opening his eyes again nodding, staring down at the plate in front of him.  
“When?” Bucky asked, voice barley above a whisper.  
“In three days,..... Wednesday evening,......There will be a special broadcast where Dr. Banner, Mr. Wilson, Captain Rogers’s and myself will be interviewed by a CNN reporter about who you are and how we have been helping you recover your true identity.” Stark spoke with calm directness and Bucky looked up at him with a contemplative look.  
“And,..... I won’t have to answer any questions?...... or talk to anyone?” Bucky could not hide the trepidation in his slightly quivering tone as he nervously shifted in his seat.  
“No,... Not yet at least........ But my Lawyers are sending over a consultant tomorrow to help you record an official statement that will be released during our live televised interview......... That and we are going to have some video clips that documented your conditioning and programing,...... and some pictures......” Stark trailed off as he saw the look of confusion and anxiety spread over Bucky’s face.  
“What videos?....... You have been recording me?” Bucky asked with a harsh breath as his fists clenched tightly.  
“No no...... well,..... yes,..... but...... look just take a breath!” Tony stammered as Barnes pushed away from the table with a low growl and began pacing as his fists clenched.  
“Sergeant Barnes,....... Jarvis has been recording some of the times you have had flash backs and panic attacks just for the sake of the trial,... as proof that you are suffering from PTSD..... But those are not the video’s that will be shown to the public!” Sam explained with a calm voice as both he and Steve rose from their chairs.  
“What then!...... What videos are there of my programming and conditioning?....... Where did they come from,... What are they!!!!” Bucky seethed through gritted teeth, his body shaking as he glared angrily at the gathering of concerned faces.  
“Hydra made video documentation of how they conditioned and programmed you to become the Winter Soldier,...... as a way to provide guidance for the Soldier’s continued maintenance over the years as he was transferred from one Handler to another in Russia and eventually to America.” Natasha spoke matter of factly with a calm explanation. Bucky looked at Natasha with growing anxiousness as he looked away running his hands through his hair with a harsh biting laugh. He paced around again and then turned back toward them with an angry shout and burning humility in his eyes.  
“And all of you have watched it,....... seen what they did to me?.......Seen how they tore me apart,...... took everything from me........ turned me into a mindless killing machine,....... a monster!” Bucky spat with anger and self-hatred as he looked away from them with a frustrated grunt as he shook his head again clenching and unclenching his fists.  
“Bucky,....... we didn’t know...... we weren’t sure how to help you,...... we didn’t know what they did to you and how to help you heal ,...... how to help you recover!” Steve pleaded as he closed distance but was shoved away with both hands by an anguished Sergeant Barnes who looked at him with rage, despair and shame.  
“And now you know right?” Bucky’s voice was harsh and choked with emotion, face twisted with humility as his eyes shown bright with unshed tears, breathing heavy. “Now you know what they did,....... you know the hell they put me through,...... and your going to show it to everyone,..... show the entire world how they broke me,..... how I begged and cried like a beaten dog,.... like a whimpering coward!....... So everybody can feel sorry for me and look at me with pity!” Bucky gestured broadly toward the windows over looking the city as he his voice broke with a humorless laugh. “ Oh look,.... there goes that poor, pathetic bastard responsible for killing all those innocent people,........ but it wasn’t his fault,.... he was just too weak to fight back,..... to helpless to refuse Hydra...... TOO GOD DAMN DUMB to remember his own GOD DAMN NAME!” Bucky roared in rage as he pushed past Steve and stormed out of the dinning room with a guttural cry. Steve instantly tried to follow him but Clint was at the door blocking Steve as Sam pulled him back.  
“Easy Cap,..... just let him go cool down!” Sam advised and Clint nodded in agreement.  
“He’s just upset right now Steve...... The idea that we have seen what they did to him...... he’s embarrassed,..... feels exposed.” Clint sighed with a soft sigh.  
“I knew he was gonna hate this,..... we can’t let those videos out,..... we can’t put him through that!” Steve pleaded as he went back toward his chair leaning over it with a quivering sigh of heartache. Natasha wrapped an arm around him comfortingly.  
“It will be edited,...... we will make sure it preserves his dignity Steve,..... but we need to show that he was not in control of his actions, that he is not responsible for obeying Hydra, that he was forced to follow orders.” Natasha reasoned. “He will calm down,.... Just give him some time to process it.” Natasha advised before she retook her seat.  
“What...... What if he wants to watch the videos?...... What if he wants to watch the 12 hours of Hydra documentation,.... of how they destroyed him and built the Winter Soldier in his place?” Steve swallowed his emotions as he slumped in his chair shaking his head, the others sitting down as well.  
“Then we have to let him watch it Captain,...... He has every right to know,..... And after he’s watched it, we will help him just as we have been whenever he’s left cold from his memories.” Clint stated simply.  
“It will be hard for him to watch but it might be helpful too,...... it might help him realize that he did fight back,..... that he resisted all the way up until he couldn’t remember how to anymore. It might challenge his self blame and hatred.” Bruce suggested and Steve looked at him with concern and uncertainty.  
“Steve we knew that this was going to be hard for him,.... all we can do is be supportive and understanding,... he is gonna deal with it the best he can and we can be a crutch if he stumbles or falls.” Sam offered and Steve nodded again.

“Jarvis,..... Where is Sergeant Barnes and what is he doing right now?” Steve asked over the lump in his throat.

Sergeant Barnes is in the Gymnasium Sir. He is currently using the oversized Punching Bag to alleviate his emotional distress. Shall I inform you when he is done?

“Yes,..... Thank you Jarvis.” Steve muttered as he stared down at his food then over to Bucky’s untouched plate with a muffled sigh. Just when Bucky was feeling better things had to get worse.


	17. Property

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I will again apologize because this story has so much going on that things brought up earlier in chapters are still put on the back burner. I promise to tie up all loose ends, just kind of go with me here. Rated M for reference to sex stuff. 
> 
> 1930-40’s slang:  
> Wack - A crazy person.  
> balled up- confused, messed up  
> Punchy - A condition of confusion or high anxiety  
> Snazzy - Dressed Stylish  
> Hooch- alcohol  
> Bent-drunk  
> Mug – Face  
> Hotshot - Head man/leader/knowledgeable  
> Sauced- Drunk  
> Slug- Punch

It wasn’t until dinner that evening after refusing to see his Psychiatrist that afternoon, when Bucky finally emerged from his room, demeanor calm and tone resigned as he apologized to the gathered Avengers for his outburst that morning. He kept his head down and shoulders hunched, hands in his jean pockets as he stared at the floor, mumbling softly as he shifted his weight back and forth asking their forgiveness for his brash and hostile reaction upon learning about the Hydra video’s that had documented his torture and forced servitude. He cleared his throat awkwardly as he stood just inside the door way of the common area, the others all pausing as they gave him their attention.  
“I...... I’m sorry,.... for,...... acting like such a whack job earlier,....... I .... Just,..... I’m still all balled up and punchy about,..... everything that’s happened,........ and,....... I...... knowing that you all have seen,...... that you watched them....... what they did..... I just.....” Bucky stammered his face feeling hot and cheeks growing red as he took his flesh hand from his pocket and pulled on his hair, eyes closing, brow crumpled as he let out a snort shaking his head. Steve took a few steps toward him slowly and stopped when Bucky looked up at him with eyes that betrayed his emotional turmoil. Steve slowly rest a hand on his friend’s shoulder and offered him a sad smile, eyes soft and understanding.  
“We saw what they did Buck,..... and it made me mad as hell and sick to my stomach,..... But it also showed how hard you fought back, how long you resisted and how brave you were!........ You have nothing to be ashamed of Bucky,...... It was all Hydra and their twisted conditioning and programing,.... that is what people need to see, to understand...... I promise we wont release anything to the public without you saying it’s okay first!” Steve offered tentatively, eyes searching his friend’s for affirmation. Bucky swallowed as he peered up at Steve with a timid expression and a long sigh before nodding slightly with a bitter smirk, allowing himself to be pulled into a hug, resting his forehead on Steve’s shoulder. The Captain wrapped his arms around Bucky’s back, holding on tightly before patting his shoulder’s and stepping back. He smiled at Bucky and wrapped an arm around his shoulder’s guiding him toward the table as Pepper brought him a plate, the others all taking their seats, offering nods and smiles of encouragement.  
The dinner conversation was forcibly light and Bucky ate his plate with deliberate effort, his appetite still suppressed, stomach tight and knotted with anxiety. As he chewed his food his mind focused in and out of the conversation, glancing at Steve with a blank expression whenever he felt the Captain’s eyes on him. After a stretch of silence Bucky blinked realizing that he had been zoning out with his fork raised, a piece of fish on the end as he stared at nothing, jaw tight and brow crumpled.  
“Bucky,...... I know you don’t really like talking to us about what your thinking or feeling,...... but, if you have any questions, or anything your worried about,..... we can try to figure it out together,.... as a team.” Pepper spoke with a gentleness that shown in her understanding eyes. Bucky glanced at her and swallowed as he lowered his fork and then rubbed his mouth, eyes deep in thought. After a moment he sighed as he leaned back, looking up at the others with a pained expression, contemplative eyes and mouth twisted in a tight smile.  
“I got a lot on my mind,..... most of it just mixed up,....... I don’t wanna watch those video’s but..... I...... I think I need to,...... Just like I don’t wanna ever see another Hydra goon again but I need to talk with Rumlow....... I don’t want to hear what the folks on T.V are saying but,....... I can’t keep hiding from the truth,....... I need to face what I have done and deal with it instead of just running from it.” He sighed as he rubbed his temples then crossed his arms as he shook his head. “And If in a few days my face is gonna be plastered all over the T.V, everybody knowing who I am,..... what I’ve done,.....” He swallowed and looked up at Steve and then Tony, eyes looking slightly desperate. “I wanna go out,...... go to a bar, just for a few drinks,...... just for one night..... before,.....” He sighed and looked away. “ I just wanna try to feel normal for one night,...... pretend like I am just a regular guy.” Bucky’s tone became mumbled and defeated as if he already knew the answer would be no.   
The others all shifted in their seats, eye brows raised and thoughtful looks communicating with one another. Steve reached over and squeezed Bucky’s shoulder with a compassionate look.  
“Well,.... I don’t see why not!........ After all, it’s been a hell of a long time coming, and you should get a chance to remember what life is like outside this fortress!” Stark spoke with a casual tone and a shrug. Bucky looked up at him with a hopeful expression but slight disbelief. He turned toward the others who despite being aware of the potential risk couldn’t deny him such a simple request. Bucky licked his lips and looked at Steve with an expression that was a mix of desperate hope and nervous pleading, piercing the Captain right through his heart.  
“Ok Buck,...... You want a night out on the town?...... Lets do it!” Steve grinned at his best friend with enthusiasm despite his uncertainty. Bucky’s cautious, questioning expression broke into his own grin as he cocked an eyebrow.  
“You mean it?” He asked with a nervous laugh as he looked from Steve to Stark and the others. There were nods and smiles beneath hesitant eyes and Bucky grinned to himself as he picked up his fork and took a big bite, unable to conceal his excitement.  
........................................................................................................................................  
It had been discussed further at dinner and decided that because of the time table and the fact that Bucky was actually in a good mood, that they would go out that night a few hours after dinner to a small neighborhood bar in Red Hook Brooklyn near by where Steve and Bucky had grown up. Natasha and Pepper opted out, claiming that they thought it should be a boys night out and Bruce explained that he was not really interested in going out in a public crowded place but the others all agreed to come along, partially because they wanted to go out them selves and partially to provide back up just in case.  
Bucky took his shower first and then Steve who upon exciting the bathroom into his room could hear through the door Pepper and Natasha offering suggestions of what Bucky should ware. Steve got dressed in jeans and a tee shirt and ball cap before knocking on the door that joined his room to Bucky’s. Natasha opened it fixing him with a cursory glance and a shake of her head.   
“Nope,...... not gonna cut it!” She chided as Steve looked at her with confusion then down at his cloths. He then looked over toward Bucky as Natasha gestured in his direction. “ A wingman needs to look the part Steve!...... You’re not going to the grocery store!” She huffed. Bucky turned and looked at his best friend with a sly grin as he struck a pose showing off the designer jeans, black boots, white and gray striped V-neck shirt, blue leather jacket and a sold black scarf, thin and hanging loose looped once around his neck hiding the Hydra brand, still not ready for the plastic surgery to erase the marking. Pepper stood next to him smiling as she offered finishing touches of hair wax that gave him the look she affectionately referred to as, ‘wild thing.’ Steve shook his head with a chuckle at the gleam in Bucky’s eyes as he strutted around the room posing and looking at himself in the mirror.  
“Wow,..... Looking Sharp Serg!” Clint appeared in the door way of the hall, leaning against it in a pair of black jeans with a black V-Neck shirt and a black leather jacket of his own. He turned toward Steve with a cocked eyebrow. “You wearing that?” Clint asked with a confused frown. Steve looked at him in surprise and again down at his own cloths.  
“What’s wrong with it?,.... And since when did you care about cloths anyway Barton?’ The Captain demanded with a defensive tone.  
“Look just cuse I don’t like shopping doesn’t mean I don’t have style!” Hawkeye smirked as he walked into the room, Sam entering a few steps behind him.   
“Steve,.... common man,..... I know you got something smoother then that!” Sam sighed as he shook his head. The Falcon was dressed in boots, designer jeans of his own with a white under shirt and a dark gray pinstriped suite jacket, looking more formal then the others but causal all the same. Steve rolled his eyes and grumbled as Natasha pushed past him into his room to root through his closet. Steve was just about to protest when Tony strutted into the room with his very own dressy casual look, wearing a light gray dress jacket over an ACDC black T-shirt, bootleg jeans folded up over boots, He nodded approvingly at the gathered men and then tilted his head with a frown at Steve, his hand gesturing toward the lack of stylish attire.  
“Good God man, your generation had Frank Sentra!” Stark shook his head as Pepper walked over toward an irritated Rodgers, gently pushing him back into his own room.  
“We’re working on it Tony,..... he’ll be ready in 5.” She smiled over her shoulder as Natasha appeared helping her coax Steve toward the closet. The others laughed and Bucky rolled his eyes.  
“That kid was never much of a snazzy dresser.” Bucky shrugged.  
“Yea the Spanglely suite gave that away pretty quickly!” Stark joked and received quiet laughter and an annoyed, ‘I heard that!’ from the other room. A few minutes later the Captain remerged wearing his own leather jacket over the white shirt and boots, the ball cap gone and his hair styled. He rolled his eyes at the slow clap from Stark and the catcalls from the others. When he looked at Bucky he sighed and nodded, letting his lips curl into a smile as he saw the gratefulness and excitement in his friends affectionate gaze.  
Bucky walked over to Steve with an impish grin and raised eyebrows. He slung an arm around his best friend’s shoulders and announced with glee, “Well fella’s,..... lets go find us some hooch and get bent!” Bucky beamed and received chuckles and rolled eyes.  
“Yup,..... that grandpa talk is gonna be a real drawl for the ladies!” Stark muttered as they headed for his limo after he kissed Pepper good night.  
............................................................................................................................................  
On the way to the bar in Stark’s highly modified and bullet proof stretch limo complete with tinted widows, a full mini bar and Bose speaker system, Tony handed out glasses of Champaign while the sound of 1940’s jazz accompanied the cheerful banter. Bucky was bouncing in his seat with excitement as he watched out the window, remaking on the numerous billboards and neon signs. He turned toward the other’s with wide eyes and a laugh of disbelief as he pointed out the window at a large Victoria’s Secret advertisement and Steve blushed, hiding his face, receiving teasing remarks from the others. Bucky drank down his Champaign and then excepted a Tom Collin’s after as he commented on how different the city looked and how little Dames seemed to ware even on a chilly night.  
When they pulled up to the bar and got out, Bucky’s eyes eagerly scanned the outside decor and Steve watched him as his expression morphed from excitement to fondness and nostalgia. He looked over at Steve with a happy smile and then a nod of thanks to Stark. Sunny’s was a bar that both he and Steve had gotten drinks at more times then they could count and yet this was sure to be the most memorable. The outside had changed slightly, modern lights and signs redone, but it was still a place that held so much of their past and a feeling of comfort.   
As they entered the bar, Stark led the way walking strait up to the bar tender and handing her a platinum card with a wink as he ordered a round of barrel aged whisky shots and six more just for Bucky and Steve who processed alcohol much differently then their normal human counter parts. Despite Sam’s warnings about mixing alcohol with his medication, Bruce had reluctantly agreed that for at least one night it would not do any real damage that Bucky’s advanced healing couldn’t over come. Bucky looked around with smiles and curiosity as he and Steve mumbled and chuckled about the good old days before joining Clint and Sam at a corner table. The men laughed and cheered as Clint made the toast with a nod of conviction.  
“Here’s to taking the good with the bad and rolling with the punches!” Hawkeye stated and the men nodded with agreement gulping down their drinks.   
The conversation flowed like the booze and Bucky was feeling more like himself then he had in too long. He laughed as he patted Steve on the back, The Captain groaning as Bucky began sharing an embarrassing story from their time in France.  
“So we have three days of leave in Paris and Dernier, who doesn’t speak much English, tells Jones he wants to take us yanks to see a Can Can show!” Bucky ginned as Steve rolled his eyes and ignored the punch in his shoulder from Sam and raised eyebrows from Clint.   
“I should have known by Falsworth’s expression when Jones said it was a classy dancing girl show!“ Steve huffed receiving a snicker from Stark as he sipped his beer.   
“So he takes all the Commandos,.....and come to think of it,...... Howard was there too!” Bucky smiled tightly and glanced momentarily at Stark then resumed his story. “So he takes us to this club across town called...... shit,.... I am so bad at French,..... what was it called Stevie?” Bucky paused taking a gulp of beer.  
“La Rue des Moulins,.......Whole place reeked like cheep whine, French perfume and cigars!” Steve complained with a grimace receiving a chuckle from the others.  
“Yup,......and the girls were all dolled up,........ Fancy as anything I have ever seen!” Bucky was grinning as he nodded, picturing it in his head.  
“Too much make up!” Steve muttered with a shake of his head.  
“And at this point in the War Steve’s handsome mug has been all over the papers and featured in picture shows and kid’s comics,.... plus he’s like a head taller then a lot of fellas so right as we walked into the joint everybody was looking at him and knowing he’s that Hotshot Captain America!” Bucky smiled as he playfully patted Steve’s cheek who rolled his eyes and pushed Bucky’s hand away.  
“So right away we get shown in and put right up front, closest table to the stage!” Bucky gestured widely with his hands and then accepted another shot from Stark as the waitress dropped of yet another round.  
“Thought we were gonna get kicked in the head!” Steve complained.  
“Best view in the house!” Bucky rose his eye brows suggestively and Clint cheered him. “Girls are dancing and kicking and Steve is looking at the show like he’s trying to figure it out and we’re all Busting his chops and trying to get him to loosen up when the second act starts and it’s a burlesque show!” Bucky laughed as Steve covered his face and Sam teased him about his ears getting red.  
“We didn’t know this but Dernier and Jones had spoken to the owner earlier that day and arranged a special performance in Stevie’s honor since he admitted a few days before that he’d never been good at talking with Dames.” Bucky explains and Tony smirked and commented about how not much has changed receiving an annoyed glare from Steve who downed his beer and excepted another.  
“There’s like ten of these girls all decked out in American flags, using em’ like towels as they do their tease!” Bucky licked his lips with a nod and Steve sighed.  
“It was disrespectful to the flag!” The Captain grumbled.  
“Well at this point Steve can’t look away, mouth hanging open and eyes like saucers as the girls do their thing and at the end the band plays our National Anthem and these mostly naked chicks all take turns saluting our table and the spot light shines on Steve and all the other folks stood up clapping in his honor while he’s red in the face, jaw dropped!” Bucky was cracking up at the memory and the others couldn’t help but snicker as Steve huffed and looked away, face blushing.  
“Show ends and some weird silent clown gets up there playing charades or something....... and one of the dancers walks over, in just these little gold tassels and some shiny panties!” Bucky is trying not to laugh as Steve continues to shake his head, face hidden in his hands. “Dernier starts talking to her in French and Jones is laughing his ass off while Steve is frozen in his seat trying not to stare at her, looking at his hands on the table,..... next thing we know she kicks her leg up on Stevie’s shoulder and she starts bouncing her breasts, making the tassels spin in opposite directions.” Bucky was gasping between laughs as the others all joined in picturing the seen before them and watching Steve’s embarrassed blush turn his face pink.  
“The other guys are dying with laughter and Steve pushes away and gently sets down her leg as he tries to stand up. Dernier starts talking to her as Morita and Dum Dum keep Steve from running out of the place. Then,.... I swear I don’t know what he said to this French Dame, but she goes right up to him and puts her hand down his pants and goes for it!” Bucky gestured at Steve who shook his head at the memory keeping his eyes closed. an embarrassed smile on his face.  
“Wow!.... Captain America’s first Hand Job?” Stark asked with a questioning look as the others all covered their mouths with laughter.  
“No!...... I pushed her away and she slapped me in the face!........ It’s unseemly getting fondled in front of other people!” Steve huffed, his tone indignant but he couldn’t help but smile slightly as he watched Bucky shake with laughter, his happiness for the present out weighing his embarrassment of the past.  
“Steve I am so sorry pal!....... He was so mad, stormed off and we didn’t see him again until the next morning, all sour faced and grumbling!” Bucky wiped some tears from his eyes as he sighed with another chuckle and finished his beer.  
“So you really didn’t enjoy the show at all,..... all those beautiful women dancing around in your honor?” Clint asked with smiling eyes and a snicker. Steve sighed and shrugged.  
“I just kept imagining what my mother would say...... She raised me to be a good Catholic boy and to treat women with respect!” Steve nodded and pointed at Bucky. “And so did your mother James Buchanan Branes!...... What would they have said if they saw us at that show!’ Steve questioned with an overly serious expression that broke into a smile when Bucky just groaned and rolled his eyes.  
“Stevie leave it to you to be thinking about yer ma at a show like that!......Shhesh!” Bucky huffed but then smiled as Steve patted him on the back. “And besides,..... Didn’t our mother’s always teach us to appreciate the beauty of art,..... and I see a couple of master pieces right over there!” Bucky nodded as he took a swing of a new beer, gesturing toward three girls who had just walked into the bar. With a mischievous wink he got up from the table and casually sauntered over toward the girls with a winning grin. Steve and the other Avengers watched as he began flirting with the ladies and had them all smiling and laughing with in seconds.  
“You were right Steve,..... Your pal is a charmer!” Sam smirked as one of the girls touched Bucky’s hair and another played with the scarf hanging loosely around his neck.  
“I really appreciate every thing you guys have done for him,..... and for me.” Steve sighed and swallowed. his brow creasing as he looked away. “He needed to get out,..... I just don’t know how this will all play out once we go public,..... how he can ever just be himself,...... be like this.” Steve gestured toward Bucky who had ordered a tray of shots and was headed back toward their table with the three girls following.  
“It might take some time Steve but the public has a short attention span,.... and when this is all over,..... Eventually he will be able to go out with out drawing attention,..... Especially if he lets me make him a new arm that isn’t so bad ass killing machine looking!” Stark shrugged and received a nods from Clint and Sam.  
“Hey fellas,...... These beautiful ladies said they would teach us a game called “Quarters.”” He smiled as he set down the tray at the table and the girls all giggled, standing near by in their short skirts and high heels. They whispered to each other as they sat down in the chairs Bucky pulled out for them like a gentlemen, the other men scooting their chairs over to make room. One girl with questioning eyes and a twist of a smile tilted her head to the side as she took in the faces of the men.  
“Hey,...... I know your face,....... Oh my God!” She exclaimed as she looked at her friends. “He’s Captain America!...... And...... Oh no way...... Your Tony Stark..... Ironman!” The girls all erupted in excited squeals as Steve blushed awkwardly and Stark shrugged casually, Sam and Clint exchanging amused glances.  
“I am so sorry to disappoint my dear but you are mistaken,....... My name is Hennery Martin Smith and this is Mr. William Peterson and we are paid look-a-likes for Ironman and Captain America.” Stark spoke with a very convincing tone.  
“What?” One of the girls asked in a confused tone glancing back and forth.  
“Well you see ladies the real Tony Stark and Steven Rodgers can’t really be at all of the public appearances and meet and greets plus it can be dangerous for them to be out in the open so publicly. They are usually off with the other Avenger’s doing top-secret missions and whatnot so we get hired to be stand in’s for minor publicity stunts. We were just in town to help promote a new line of Stark hybrid cars that are being donated for a charity auction raising money for the Wounded Warriors Project.” Stark spoke with calm authority and the others all nodded with shrugs, Steve looking at Tony with an amused smile at how easy it was for him to lie.  
“Okay,..... well then who are you guys?” One of the girls asked with a skeptical tone.  
“I am their personal trainer, Dan Everson!” Hawkeye smirk with a raised eyebrow.  
“And I am their manger, Mr. Darel Jackson.” Sam smiled with his white teeth glowing.  
“Hmmmmm,...... and what is your full name James?” The third girl cooed at Bucky. “How do you know these look-a-likes..... and why are you wearing one glove?” She laughed as she pointed at his concealed metal hand.  
“James McDonough at your service,..... and I have been pals with this handsome oaf Willy since we were both in diapers....... I am in town visiting,..... been out of the Country for a bit working as a Bungee jump instructor in New Zealand. Just got in a motorcycle accident a few months back and tore up my arm. Had some surgery on it and I am suppose to keep it covered.” Bucky grinned warmly at them and Steve took a gulp of beer to hind his surprise as the others hid their smiles in their own drinks. “Now forgive me for not knowing this game but how do you play?” James flirted as he scooted closer to the girls picking up a quarter.  
The next few hours were full of laughter, flirting and drunken giggles from the girls who were pawing at Bucky, Sam and Clint, Tony explaining that he was spoken for and Steve shyly excepting their attention but not flirting back. As it turned out all of the men had very good aim and the girls were getting a bit sloppy, one of them constantly whispering in Bucky’s ear as her hand made suggestive movements under the table. Bucky’s eyes grew as he choked on his beer as the drunk girl gave his crotch a squeeze and Steve fixed him with an amused expression.  
It was only a few minutes later when three drunk and surly men loudly stumbled into the bar, eyes scanning the mostly empty tables until they saw the group playing quarters in the back of the bar.   
“Hay!.......... Kristy what the hell do you think your doing!” The man stomped up to the gathering, his friends following his lead as they each called to the girls who instantly jumped up. The first man stopped a foot away glaring down at the girl who was practically sitting in Bucky’s lap. The other women shifted further away nervously, twirling their hair as their boyfriends reached out and grabbed their arms pulling them away from the seated men who all were leaning back exchanging knowing glances and casually sizing up the three men.  
“We were just talking.... God!” One of the girls rolled her eyes as her boyfriend gripped her possessively, glaring daggers at Clint who she had been flirting with.  
“Looks like a lot more then talking if ya ask me!” The other man spat as he clenched his fists glaring at Sam after he pulled his girl away.  
The biggest man with a snake tattoo on his neck stood in front of Bucky and Kristy, who had remained frozen in the Sgt’s lap, avoiding the accusing glare of the menacing man. She timidly peered up at his face and with one threatening look she slid away from Bucky and stood by her boyfriend. The furious man looked from her toward Bucky who was sitting still, eyes watching the body language and picking up on the man’s abusive and controlling mannerisms.  
“Take it easy guys,...... The ladies were just being friendly,..... no need to get all wound up.” Bucky’s tone was calm and neutral, but his eyes were watching the men closely as were the other Avengers.  
“You got a lot of nerve Mother Fucker!” The large man took a step forward, hovering over Bucky who remained casually sitting in his chair. The Sgt. met his eyes and smirked as he picked up his beer and took a swing.  
“Didn’t mean to step on yer shoes pal,..... but last time I checked women had a right to choose who they talked with.” Bucky smiled at the man sweetly.  
“Listen to me you little piece of shit!........” The man leaned over poking Bucky in the chest and the other Avenger’s shifted as Steve was about to stand up and intervene.  
“Ricky don’t.....” The girl grabbed his arm and he smacked her hard across the face sending her to the ground. In a flurry of movement Bucky was up out of his chair, metal arm gripping the man’s throat as he lifted him up and then slammed him down onto the table. Clint and Sam each stepped up to deal with the other two men, as the girls went to their crying friend on the floor and Steve was standing next to Bucky with a hand on his shoulder. Stark was sitting in the corner holding two glasses that would have spilled from the impact of the man if he hadn’t snatched them up.  
“Easy Buck,......Calm down!” Steve spoke with urgency, aware that the situation could turn dangerous any second.  
“Didn’t yer father ever teach you any manners?...... You think your so big and tough coming in here sauced and slugging a woman?........Treating that girl like she’s your property!......... You pathetic low life!” Bucky snarled, his voice taking on a hard edge and his eyes becoming dark.  
“Bucky,..... come on!” Steve’s concern grew as the Man struggled for breath in his friend’s grip.  
“Shit!” Clint yelled as the guy he was standing in front of picked up a glass and threw it at Bucky who dodged as it smashed into the wall next to Stark’s head. All hell broke loose as fists were flying and Steve was trying to hold back Bucky while deflecting the man named Rick’s haphazard swings. Clint and Sam each took out their opponents and Stark calmly excused himself from the table, walking around the brawl and over to the bar where the Bartender was on the phone with the police. Stark smiled and shook his head at her holding up a fanned out stack of $100 dollar bills that he placed in front of her with a raised eye brow. He then pointed at the card and asked to close out his tap as he texted his driver to come pick them up. The Bartender swallowed as she put down the phone and nodded taking the money.  
Clint and Sam had both put down the other two men and were about to help Steve when the man named Rick came at the Captain with an empty beer bottle that shattered over the back of Steve’s head. Steve grunted as he turned around and with one hard kick sent the man flying back against back against the wall. He then turned his attention toward Bucky who’s eyes were wide and out of control, body shaking with anger.   
“Bucky No!” Steve yelled as Bucky dashed by him toward Ricky who was on the ground wheezy from getting the air knocked out of him. Steve lunged forward and grabbed Bucky pinning his arms against his sides as he used his strength and height to lift him up and away from the others, his chest to his fighting friend’s back. Steve held on tightly to the enraged Sgt., carrying him out kicking and screaming as Sam checked on the girls and Clint told the men to stay down and be thankful they didn’t get their heads bashed in.  
“You Asshole!..... You Fucking Scum Bag!...... You don’t own her!....... You can’t own people you piece of shit!........ You keep your God Damn Hands off of her you hear me!...... I swear to God I’ll......” Steve kicked open the door as he dragged Bucky out still swearing and threatening as Stark calmly followed them with a wave at the Bartender. Clint waited for Sam as he gave the girls a card with a domestic abuse hotline number and explained calmly that they didn’t have to be afraid and that their boyfriends had no right to ever hurt them. He stood and quickly followed Clint out the doors and into the limo as Stark stood with the door open ushering them in, the sound of Bucky yelling greeting them. Steve had a hand on both sides of Bucky’s face, their foreheads pressed together as he ordered him to breath and to calm down. Bucky had his eyes squeezed tight, both hands clenched in shaking fists and he let out harsh broken growls and gasps for air.  
“It’s okay Buck,..... Breath,...... focus on breathing!” Steve spoke with an assertive tone as the limo began to drive.  
“He doesn’t own her Steve!..... He cant hurt her like that!..... He cant control her!..... She’s a human being!...” Bucky barked harshly as he choked on his words, body shaking, eyes still squeezed tight as he clenched and unclenched his fists.  
“I know,... I know Bucky,.... your right!.... You stood up for her,...... made sure he knew he was wrong..... But it’s time to let it go!...... We took care of it and it’s over now.” Steve spoke slowly as he stroked the side of his friends face before pulling him into his shoulder as Bucky let out a stuttering cry of anger. Bucky buried his face in Steve’s shoulder and brought his hands up to grip the side of his best friend’s arms, holding on to him as he tried to calm his breathing and control his immense anger. “It’s gonna be okay pal........ Everything is okay now!” Steve reassured, as he looked over at the other three who exchanged sympathetic looks.  
The rest of the Limo ride was quiet as Steve held on to Bucky who was gradually able to control his breathing and when his body stopped shaking as hard, he sat up and turned away, eyes fixed out the window as he gritted his teeth, arms crossed. Sam spoke aloud to the others that he had given the girls a crisis number and Stark stated that he had contacted a friend on the police force and told them to follow up to make sure the girls were safe. After a long stretch of silence Bucky spoke with a tired sigh, keeping his gaze out the windows.  
“Sorry I lost it in there,..... I just....... I could feel how scared she was,...... Men like that.....” Bucky shook his head and squeezed his eyes tight. Steve placed a hand on his shoulder with an understanding smile and nod.  
“I know Buck,..... He was a looser,...... A drunk bully!” Steve offered.  
“He was an Abusive Asshole!...... Guy’s like that are control freaks,..... girl was probably desperate to have someone take her away from that!” Sam sighed.  
“I would have done the same thing Sgt!........ Dickhead had it coming!” Clint shrugged. Bucky glanced at them then back out the window and he swallowed thickly.  
“I..... I think..... I could have killed him.” Bucky’s voice was slightly shaky as he let out a quivering breath, blinking back his tears as he stared hard out at the blur of lights.  
“That’s why I had to stop you.” Steve spoke quietly with his own heavy sigh.  
“The uncontrolled rage is part of PTSD Sergeant,...... Seeing that girl afraid and that man hitting her,....... it was a trigger for you.” Sam spoke with a calm therapeutic voice.  
“I..... just wanted to feel normal.” Bucky sighed again with a sad bitter smile. “But at least we learned how to play ‘Quaters.’” He chuckled humorlessly. Steve wrapped an arm around him with a huffed laugh.  
“Normal is relative my Dear Sergeant Barnes!........ And you are far from it!....... You are in fact extraordinary and so must sacrifice the simple pleasures of the common man to laboring amongst us troubled, unstable and often explosive Superheroes!....... Welcome to the club my boy!” Stark smiled warmly at him and raised a glass before swallowing it down. Bucky smirked at Tony and then shook his head leaning into Steve’s side as the Captain kept his arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders. For better or worse at least they were a team and he knew he wouldn’t have to face the future alone.


	18. Humility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as I have said he is gonna have a lot more ups and downs ahead. A lot more Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Feels and Protective Steve. BUT, I also want to show how even when he is broken, Bucky is strong and amazingly resilient, determined and trying his best to face his demons head on.

The next morning Steve and Bucky sat on the balcony drinking coffee as they watched the sun rise, quiet and comfortable. It wasn’t until the sun was fully risen that Bucky broke the silence. His tone calm and certain, eyes locked strait ahead.  
“Steve,.....I need to watch the Hydra videos........ I need to know what they did to me!” Bucky took another swallow of his coffee. Steve looked over at his best friend with a troubled gaze and grimace.  
“Bucky,........ It’s..... It is gonna be hard for you to watch........ Maybe wait for a bit,..... Until after the News interview,.... or after the trial.” Steve suggested. Bucky kept his determined gaze fixed forward with a shake of his head.  
“I need to KNOW Steve,..... I need to know what Stark’s lawyers are gonna show to the public.......and.....” He swallowed and turned toward his friend with a haunted expression, eyes slightly blood shoot from troubled sleep. “I need to understand why...... I have these thoughts,........ theses feelings.........I have all these glimpses of memory,..... violent and blood soaked,........ eyes of Hydra Trainer’s....... Zola,....... Peirce....... Rumlow......” He swallowed again and looked away as Steve’s face became hard, eyes angry as he thought of the two years he had spent working beside a Man who was partially responsible for Bucky’s suffering. “I don’t.....” Bucky pinched the bridge of his noise as he squeezed his eyes shut. “ I don’t understand my own head sometimes......” He snickered bitterly. “Hell most of the time really!” He shook his head and stood up leaning on the railing. He sighed again and turned around to face Steve, his expression determined and absolute. “I need to know what happened to me,..... what made me into a mindless,........ Killing machine!” He held up his metal hand and glared at it with utter contempt. “In this case pal,....” He snickered and looked back at Steve with a sad shake of his head. “Ignorance aint bliss!”  
Steve watched his friend and then looked away with a heavy sigh and an uncertain look.  
“Bucky,........ It’s Twelve hours long.......... I only watched two hours worth and,.......I think maybe you should just,..... watch it a little at a time,.... maybe right before your therapy sessions with the doc,......... Give yer self time to…. you know,...... deal with it.” Steve suggested and Bucky huffed and shook his head.  
“You know that aint me Rogers!......I’m not gonna stretch this out longer,..... it’d be like a slow thin cut that never ended...... Would rather just take the stab and let it heal!........I wanna watch the whole thing today,......... Then tomorrow, I will talk to the shrink and meet with Stark’s lawyers,...... let them record a statement!.... I need to know what happened if I am gonna explain it to everybody else!” Bucky sighed as he stared blankly forward, mind occupied. Steve sighed and stood up as he approached his best friend.  
“Bucky,....... You don’t have to.....” Steve was interrupted by an angry huff as Bucky got in his face with an aggressive tone.  
“Damit Steve!..... I could have killed that guy last night!....... If you hadn’t been there to stop me I probably would have!.......... I am a fucking ticking time bomb that doesn’t even know what is going on in my own god damn mind!” He pointed angrily at his own head and then turned away with a harsh grunt.   
He looked deliberately away from Steve, his tone calm but flat and stiff.   
“Tell Stark I will meet his guy tomorrow and tell the Doc that I will see him double time in the morning........ I am watching those Videos today Steve,....... I aint taking no for an answer!” Bucky kept his eyes strait forward and didn’t look back at Steve as he sighed and relented.  
“Okay Buck,..... I’ll tell them...... Just,..... promise me that if it gets to be too much you’ll stop....... Tell Jarvis to pause it and......... let me come talk you down?..... okay?” Steve pleaded but with strength of tone that suggested he was not asking but mandating. Bucky swallowed and nodded not looking toward him. With a resigned sigh Steve turned and went inside to find Stark, ready for a miserable day.  
............................................................................................................................................  
The day had past with tension and stress, The other Avenger’s taking care of personal matters but all the while aware that Sergeant Barnes was in a private room, made of indestructible padded walls and reinforced shatter proof windows, watching the documentation of his capture, torture, conditioning and training. The room had originally been designed for Bruce, a place to go and lock him self in if he felt the other guy taking over. The good doctor had only had to use it twice but both times saved a lot of potential damage. Now, after almost twelve hours of regular updates as requested by the other residents, Steve found himself pacing in the common room fidgeting with the bandages that Bruce had placed over his bloody knuckles after spending the majority of the day pounding the large punching bag in the gym.  
“Steve,......just sit down already!........ You need to calm down!....... Bucky’s a big boy and if he needs your help Jarvis will tell us!” Natasha sighed as she stopped his pacing, both ands on his shoulders.  
“Jarvis,...... How is Sergeant Barnes doing and how much longer is this going to take!” Tony asked with a sigh as he felt Pepper rub his back.  
Mr. Barnes is currently quietly watching the last of the three most recent video entrees. I believe he is deliberately controlling his breathing and using calming strategies taught to him by Dr. Banner and Mr. Wilson. He has stopped vomiting into the trash can but is still holding onto his stomach and rocking.  
“Well it’s good he is able to keep himself calm at least.” Clint offered from the Kitchen. Sam nodded as he poured a green smoothie into a bottle. He walked over and placed it on the table by Steve.  
“This will be good for his stomach,...... has ginger in it that will help with the nausea and chamomile will calm his nerves.” Sam smiled at Steve.  
“And I have a Thorozine shot waiting if he breaks from reality or becomes violent.” Banner offered gently, with a compassionate look as Steve swallowed and nodded. They sat and waited with batted breath as more time past until once more they heard Jarvis’s voice.  
Sergeant Barnes has finished watching the documentation. He is aware that the other occupants of this tower have been asking about him and requests that he be left alone for the remainder of the evening.   
“Tell him that we have a mild protein shake that will help his stomach.” Sam spoke to Jarvis who paused before answering.  
I have informed him of the protein shake but he has declined it with Thanks. The Sergeant has indicated that he will be in his room and has instructed me again to inform Captain Rogers’s that he needs to be alone.  
Steve shook his head and wiped his face as he looked at the others.  
“It’s a lot to deal with Cap,...... You know he needs his space!” Clint reminded Steve and Sam nodded. Natasha turned on the T.V and sat next to Steve on the couch as they watched a silly movie.  
............................................................................................................................................  
The evening past quietly and as Steve went into his room that night he pressed his ear to the door, listening to hear if his friend was alright. He felt his shoulders slump and his heart break as his enhanced hearing picked up the sound of muffled sobs and anguished cry’s. He swallowed and knocked on the door calling out to his friend but received no answer. When he stated that he was coming in he heard a harsh yell, desperate and full of rage and humility.  
“NO STEVE!........ JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!” The Captain stopped and released to door knob with a discouraged sigh, placing one hand on the door as he shook his head.  
“Okay Buck,....... Just,....... Hollar if you need,..... anything!....... I am right here Pal!” Steve backed away from the door and sat heavily on the edge of his bed running his hands through his hair before finally sighing and collapsing back into his bed. He asked Jarvis’s to play his relaxing mix, hoping the soothing sound might help them both find piece of mind. As he drifted off he thought about how many times Bucky had stood by his side and defended him from Bullies and he silently prayed that he could protect his friend as well as he had always done for him.  
............................................................................................................................................  
Steve awoke in the early morning hours to the sound of screaming, painful cries that shattered his sleep and pierced the silent darkness. Instantly he was on his feet and running through the door as he turned on a lamp and knelt beside his friend who was gripped in a vicious nightmare, worse then he had been in over a month. Bucky’s face was contorted and wet with tears, perspiration coving his body as he convulsed and screamed in gut wrenching pain and agony. Steve grabbed his shoulders and shook him calling out with a strong, calm voice and demanding he wake up. Bucky twisted and fought back, his eyes still closed as he whimpered and sobbed, repeating his frantic crys over and over again.  
“Please,...... no,.... no more...... please...... Just kill me!...... God please,... Please..... Don’t...... not again,...... I can’t...... Please.......PLEASE STOP!” Bucky screamed with a trembling, desperate cry so full of pain and suffering that Steve felt his heart clench in his chest. He pulled Bucky to him, ignoring the fumbling, unconscious attempts to break free.  
“Wake up Bucky,....... Please I need you to wake up!...... I have you Buck!....... Your not there!...... Come back Bucky!” Steve pleaded as he felt Bucky’s body slow it’s struggles as his eyes fluttered open with a sudden gasp and frantic cry, confused and scared.  
“S.....S....Steve?” Bucky asked shaking as Steve held his face and kept his expression comforting, stroking the side of Bucky’s cheek and then running his finger’s through his sweat drenched hair.  
“I got you Buck!..... I am here Pal!...... Your safe!....... Your in The Avenger’s Tower,......... No one can hurt you now!” Steve shook his head and felt his own tears fill his eyes as Bucky collapsed against him crying with out restraint, so absorbed in pain and fear that he was still shaking, both hands clutching Steve’s night shirt as he buried his face.  
“It hurt Steve!.......... It hurt so bad!......... I couldn’t get away!...... I couldn’t.....” Bucky sobbed brokenly and Steve held him tighter in his arms rocking slightly.  
“I know Pal....... I know Bucky!..... You were so brave!...... You still are!..... They hurt you so bad but you were so, so strong!....You’re free now Bucky!..... I won’t let anyone hurt you again!..... I swear to you Bucky!...... I swear you are safe!..... Your safe now!” Steve held his friend in his arm’s and let him cry, let him release all of the pain, the anger and the overwhelming fear that had pledged his haunted mind and tortured soul. After a long stretch of unrelenting tears Bucky looked up at Steve with large wet eyes and trembling lips, voice broken and fragile.  
“P...Please Stevie,...... Please don’t let them see,..... please don’t show people those videos,...... They can’t...... Please!” He buckled in on himself in shame and humility as his body was racked with another harsh sob, trembling as he whimpered.  
“It’s okay Buck,...... It’ll be okay,...... we wont show them the really bad, just a little,.... just enough so they understand that it wasn’t your fault,.... That you were a prisoner and they forced you to be their weapon,....... to follow orders....... We need the world to understand that you didn’t have a choice!” Steve’s voice broke as Bucky shook his head sobbing in despair, eyes squeezed tight as he pressed himself into Steve with desperation.  
“Please,....... Don’t Steve,..... Please....... Please!” He sobbed as Steve held him close; one arm wrapped around his back the other stroking the back of his head.  
“Shhh,..... It’s okay,...... I promise it will be okay!...... The world will know how brave you are,..... They will understand that you are a good man,...... You are the best man I know!..... It will be okay Buck!..... I swear to you!...... I won’t let anything bad happen!....... I’ve got you pal,..... Till the end of the line!” Steve soothed as Bucky let out more shuddering cries, his fingers balled up in Steve’s shirt gripping it hard enough to tare. Steve stayed with him the rest of the night, holding him protectively in his arms as they both fell asleep, Bucky whimpering through the night.


	19. Who am I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya’ll I love hearing your thoughts and comments so let me know how you feel about the direction of this tragic tail! Also I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors that distract from the story. I am dyslexic and struggle with that. I will try to do better these next Chapters. We have about 13 more to go. There is a lot happening that is causing stress to our dear Sgt. Barnes and although Steve is there for him, it can feel a bit discouraging and definitely exhausting to have Bucky there one minute doing so well and being himself and then…….. well.

The next day Bucky awoke and refused to look Steve in the eyes, cheeks flushed with embarrassment as he found himself clinging to his best friend. He pushed away and got out of the bed walking over to the window, staring out over the city as he did every morning and at the end of every night.  
“How ya feeling Buck?” Steve asked as he stood up but remained at a distance giving his friend space.  
“Like I wanna bury my head in the sand,..... or better yet drown myself in a bottle of whiskey!” Bucky snorted bitterly as he rubbed his swollen eyes. Steve stood up and walked toward him with a heavy sigh placing a hand on his shoulder.  
“I know this is rough Pal,..... I got yer back!..... we all do!.....We are gonna help you face this as a team!” Steve promised and Bucky swallowed and nodded, allowing a brief smile to grace his lips before he rubbed the back of his neck, shivering as his hand landed on the raised Hydra Brand.  
.............................................................................................................................................  
After a solitary breakfast, Bucky met with his Psychiatrist for an extended two hour session that lasted most of the morning. He headed strait for the gym after and took out his frustration on the punching bag before taking a long, hot bath,.... trying to mentally prepare him self for his public confession, exposing the truth of his degradation and abuse at the hands of the worlds most secretive cult.  
Bucky sat ridged on one side of a table facing the gathered Avengers and a very nervous looking lawyer and cameraman. Bucky had written down a two page statement during his therapy session that was reviewed by the Lawyer and rewritten to include pertinent information and exclude unnecessary admissions of guilt and remorse. Bucky was gripping the pages tightly with his flesh hand, going over the final draft with blinking wet eyes and jaw locked. His metal hand was gripping his hair as he tried to focus on the task at hand and not all of the other intrusive thoughts that swayed his attention. Pepper stood near by with a comb, ready to tidy him up when it was time to record, her expression soft and worried. Bucky’s flesh hand was shaking as he gripped the pages and he felt like his throat was made out of sand paper. He swallowed with difficulty and as he opened his mouth to ask for water Natasha appeared with a glass full and a soft smile, He nodded to her in thanks and took a long swallow.  
“Sergeant Barnes...... we are ready whenever you are.” The lawyer nodded with a professional tone covering up his obvious apprehension and discomfort at being so close to America’s most feared terrorist. Bucky let out a shaky breath and nodded in acceptance as he swallowed again. Pepper walked over and combed his hair then adjusted his suite and tie. He offered a nervous smile and she bent down and kissed his cheek whispering words of encouragement. With a heavy sigh he looked at the others who each nodded, their presence offering some comfort. He took a few more breaths then nodded.  
“And we are rolling,...... Start talking when ever you are ready.” The camera man spoke with a whispered tone. Bucky nodded and looked down at the pages then back up, blinking into the Camera. He opened his mouth then shut it, cleared his throat and wiped his face then tried again, his voice slightly shaky.  
“My name,..... is Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th infantry...... I was born March 10, 1919 in Brooklyn New York. I have been a close friend to Captain Steven Grant Rodgers, also known as Captain America, since we were small children.......”   
He paused and took another sip of water, his flesh hand shaking visibly. He looked back up at the Camera with a determined grimace.   
“In 1942 I joined the United States Army in the War efforts against Nazi Germany. I became a Sergeant in the 107th and was shipped out to Europe....... While fighting along side my men in Azzano, Italy in September 1943,....... I was captured with many other soldiers by a branch of the Nazi government called........ Hydra.”   
Bucky’s voice cracked slightly and he took another gulp of water, his breathing slightly raspy. He licked his lips and stared hard at the pages then back up at the camera.  
“We were taken to a Weapon’s manufacturing Facility and were forced as POW’s into labor camps...... I tried to lead a resistance movement and...... was punished....... I became ill and was taken to an isolation ward where.........” Bucky was struggling to maintain his composure. He glanced up at Steve who nodded with a steady comforting gaze. “ I was..... experimented on...... by Dr. Arnim Zola....... He......”   
Bucky’s voice faltered and he blinked rapidly as he wiped his face. He took a steading breath and his emotional eyes locked on the Camera.   
“He injected me with a variation of the Super Soldier Syrup and used,..... electrical currents to force my body to except the chemical alterations to my..... genetic make up.”   
Bucky hesitated briefly. Bruce had helped him write the medical explanation as Bucky had not really known or understood at the time what was being done to him, just that it hurt terribly.   
“I was not the only POW experimented on but,...... I was the only one that survived the first two stages of injections...... At that time,..... Dr. Zola was also experimenting with,..... using...... electrical shocks….. to target area’s of my brain,..... to degrade my long term memories........”   
Bucky let out a harsh breath as he struggled to keep his eyes focused on the words he wrote, pages visibly shaking in his hands.   
“I was rescued November 16th, 1943 along with several other POW’s by Captain America and we returned to base camp...... The Doctors did not know what Zola had done to me and I was not able to explain it at the time...... I was cleared for Duty and joined Captain America and a special military unit called the Howling Commandos..... Our mission was to target Hydra bases and destroy their advanced weapon technology. My position in our unit was as a long rang Sniper, and at times close range hand-to-hand combat......... For two years I fought alongside Captain America against Hydra until......”   
Bucky let out a breath, shifting in his seat.   
“In the winter of 1945, The Captain and I boarded a Hydra Train in the Swiss Alps to apprehend Dr. Arnim Zola,..... during the mission,....... I fell from the train...... and...... was believed dead.”   
Bucky paused again, jaw muscle twitching as he closed his eyes and pinched his noise. He sighed and looked up into the Camera with pained eyes.  
“I didn’t die,...... but I wish I did.”   
The lawyer sat up and the others looked with concern as Bucky spoke off script. He swallowed and looked down at the papers and then back up again.   
“I lost my left arm in the fall and was discovered by Soviet agents that were working with Hydra...... They brought me to a secret underground bunker and placed me in....... Cryofreez,........ until a year later, when Dr. Armin Zola woke me up.”   
Bucky’s tone became hard, eyes darkening as he looked down, staring at nothing.  
“They tortured me,...... told me that Captain America was dead and that no one knew I was alive.... I had no chance of being rescued or escaping....... They injected me with more of the Serum and conducted further experiments to test my pain endurance,..... my ability to withstand extreme heat, cold,..... Starvation, oxygen deprivation, toxic inhalants and countless other tests........ And then they began to use electrical currents to whip out my memory...... I tried to resist,.... Fight back.......I couldn’t.....”   
Bucky swallowed and he looked up at the camera with remorse and shame.   
“I lost my name,..... my memories and who I was...... And eventual the will to resist...... I became a tool for Hydra,..... I was given a metal, prosthetic, cybernetic arm to replace the flesh and bone one I had lost in the fall.......”   
Bucky swallowed as he looked away again, the next words spoken with bitter resentment and hatred.   
“They conditioned me to follow their orders and programed me to kill on command. I was trained to fight and to always obey. I had no sense of self, of who I was,..... my only purpose was to serve Hydra,..... to complete missions and let them whip my memory and place me back in Cryofreez until I was needed again........ I was...... used and maintained by the Russian Hydra branch for over 50 years,..... The Cyrofreez process preventing my aging..... I was sent on multiple covert missions under the code name.....”   
He swallowed again looking up at the Camera.  
”...... The Winter Soldier........ Under Hydra command I killed, sabotaged and destroyed countless lives, altering the course of History as Hydra saw fit........In the late 1980’s during the collapse of the Soviet union I was handed over to the United Sates head of Hydra,...... Director of Security,..... Alexander Peirce.”   
Bucky spat his name with obvious resentment.   
“I continued to serve my purpose as a weapon for Hydra,.... undergoing constant chemical and neurological manipulation to ensure my compliance and cooperation. I was punished if I did not preform my duties efficiently and was subjected to a variety of torture and abuse through out my years as Hydra’s operative........ In April 2014 I was sent to kill Captain America,...... we fought in the streets of Washington D.C and when he removed my mask,...... He recognized me.”  
Bucky’s voice broke again and he blinked rapidly then let out a forced breath.   
“He said my name,..... and it triggered forgotten memories....... I became erratic and resisted the Hydra Doctors who were preforming maintenance on my prosthetic arm...... Alexander Peirce ordered for my mind to be wiped and I was again assigned to fight against Captain America,......a man I have known my entire life.”   
Bucky swallowed and looked at Steve with remorseful eyes. He looked back at the Camera with calm, determined words.   
“I fought Captain Steven Rodgers, and shot him several times,..... but..... He would not give up on me,...... he repeated that I knew him and told me my true identity,.....my name....... When he fell from the Helicarrier that was crashing into the Potomac River,...... I knew I had to save him,..... but I didn’t understand why....... I dragged him to the shore and then I went into hiding....... I did not know how to maintain myself as a human being, how to receive nutrition or to care for my medical needs....... I went to the Smithsonian and read about my past, who I had been,..... The man I once was.....”   
Bucky sighed again and lowered his head before looking back up.   
“I knew that Hydra was searching for me as was Captain America...... I avoided capture for several weeks until my physical and mental condition deteriorated to the point where I was on the verge of death....... I....”   
Bucky glanced at Steve who nodded, encouraging Bucky to state the half truth and not mention his initial attack on the day he showed up in Steve’s apartment all those months ago.   
“I surrendered my self to Captain America and I was taken to the Avenger’s tower where I have been in their custody over the past several months....... The Avenger’s have helped me reclaim my true self and have been working with me to undo Hydra’s conditioning and programing...... I owe them my life.......”   
Bucky looked away and swallowed as he set down the papers then back up at the Camera with a sincere expression of grief and sorrow, his eyes haunted and voice raspy but with a determined tone.   
“ I am truly sorry.... for the pain .....and the suffering... that I have caused...... If I could have given my life to save even one of the victims that fell under my hands,....... I promise I would....... I am so, so sorry...... to the family’s whose loved ones I have stolen.....” His voice broke. “... and to the world for the crimes I’ve committed while under Hydra’s control...... I’m sorry.... I...I’m so Sorry.”   
Bucky’s voice broke again and this time he could not keep a strong face as he looked away with a shattered breath, covering his face with his flesh hand.  
“Cut...... we have it.” The Camera man spoke with a sigh and Steve stood up and walked over to his friend who collapsed in on himself, shielding his face from the others.  
“Common Bucky,..... You did it,..... let’s go.” Steve spoke softly and Bucky nodded keeping his face hidden under his flesh hand as he pushed away from the table and staggered onto his feet. Steve warping an arm around his shoulders and leading him out the door. The others sat in silence and the Lawyer stood as he nodded.  
“Mr. Stark,..... we will be waiting for the video documentation of Sergeant Barnes’ time with Hydra...... We only need about 15 minutes of clips that we can play on a loop and photographs of the instruments used to maintain and control him.” The lawyer spoke with professional detachment despite his pale and shaken expression. Stark nodded with a sigh.  
“Yea,..... we will send it over first thing tomorrow morning.” Tony looked at the others who exchanged weary glances knowing that Bucky was going to need some time to calm down before they showed him the edited footage they would be broadcasting world wide. The lawyer nodded and he left with the Camera Man, the others remaining in thoughtful silence.  
............................................................................................................................................  
Bucky awoke in the middle of the night covered in sweat and crying with pained confusion. He didn’t know where he was or who he was but he was afraid, desperately and hopelessly terrified. He knew they were going to hurt him and he had to get away. He flew to his feet, body disoriented and numb, vision shaking as he stumbled with panic toward a door. Before he could reach it, the door flew open and he fell back crawling away from the tall figure who stepped inside.  
“Nyet...... Nyet......” Bucky sobbed desperately as he crawled away and curled into the corner, covering his face and head with his arms and leaving his bare back exposed. The man from the door way was coming toward him, speaking softly but he couldn’t understand the words, his mind screaming in pain as flashes of blood soaked memories and sadistic cruelty tore through his mind like a chaotic storm. He cried out desperately and rocked in the corner mumbling a half remembered prayer before he felt a hand on his shoulder. Bucky flinched and growled in fear as he lashed out with his metal arm and scurried away springing to his feet and running for the open door. He felt his blood racing and his heart pounding in his ears as all around him was blinding light. He ran with bare feet crashing into walls as he turned a corner, gritting his teeth against the erg to scream, the voices of a thousand broken and brutal memories slicing through him as he fled in sheer panic. He bolted through a door way and up some stairs into yet another hall way but stopped and threw himself back as more of his captors appeared, three of them approaching slowly, voices low but still he felt only fear and utter confusion. He gripped his hair as he let out an anguished cry of desperation, backing up and shaking his head with tears streaming down his frantic face, eyes wide and dilated. He stumbled back into the arms of the first man who had appeared in the doorway of his cell and instantly fought against his grip.  
“Nyet,..... выпускать из рук......выпускать из рук!” (Let me go!) He struggled violently, released after he threw his head back into the man’s noise. He ran forward with wild, unfocused eyes prepared to fight anyone who touched him yet the three other captors backed up against the walls letting him run past. He was gasping as he round another corner and threw a doorway into a darkened room. He dove under a table cowering and trembling as he curled up in a ball gripping his hair as he whimpered.   
Where was he? Who was he? Who were these people? Why did they want to hurt him? His head was throbbing as graphic images of malicious violence and misery flashed before his wide terrified eyes. He felt his chest growing tighter as he couldn’t breath. His mind was engulfed in agonizing terror and remembered pain that felt real in every part of his body. Hands on him using electricity to burn him, his ears echoed with screams, his own and countless others. He wanted to get away, he needed to get away but he didn’t know how, he had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. The door opened as someone came in, a woman and a man close behind her. The others were outside in the hall way, he could hear their voices but his mind still couldn’t understand their words. The woman came closer toward him, crouching down but staying several feet away. The man hovered by the door way where the others all remained just outside, blocking the only exit. The broken and lost man sobbed as he curled up small as he could, shaking and trembling.   
............................................................................................................................................  
Steve stood outside of the door with Natasha, Clint and Sam pressing his crumpled up night shirt to his bloody and broken noise. He sighed as Banner and Stark round the corner, everyone dressed in sleep ware except Tony who had been awake in his lab when Jarvis had alerted them that Sergeant Barnes was on the run in a dissociative state.  
“What set him off?” Sam asked and Steve sighed and shrugged as he lowered the blood soaked shirt so Banner could have a look.  
“He woke up screaming and I went in to his room like I do when ever the Nightmares are that bad, but he didn’t recognize me.” Steve breathed out through his mouth as Banner quickly set the broken noise and he grunted in pain then wiped away some more blood.  
“He was speaking Russian,.... He said, ‘No’ and ‘Let me go.” Natasha offered. “He seems to be caught in a flash back.”  
“The medicine had been working I thought!” Steve groaned as he continued to press the shirt to his face.  
“It was,.... but all that shit he just watched, and having to explain it out loud,..... a lot of the worst memories that his conscious mind has been suppressing are going to be surfacing now,...... The things he wasn’t able to remember before,..... the really painful stuff, is gonna be front and center!” Sam sighed sympathetically. Steve’s eyes grew and he swallowed as he shook his head.  
“God..... what.....what if he’s remembering what that Russian Bastard did to him before he was sent to the States!” Steve’s voice was a panicked gasp and the others all shifted with heavy hearts. “He can’t...... Sam he can’t remember that!..... Not right now!.......It will kill him…. The Shame is too much!” Steve’s voice was choked with emotion as he shook his head desperately.  
“Easy Cap,..... We will help him deal with it......... There is nothing any of us can do but help him through it....... We can’t try to hid the truth from him,...... just help him come to terms with it!” Sam sighed as he placed a comforting hand on Steve’s shoulder as he slouched heavily against the wall, bloody shirt gripped in his hand and eyes squeezed tight.  
“Let me go in,..... I will talk to him in Russian and find out what he thinks is happening...... He didn’t recognize any of us, but I don’t think he could really see us,.... his eyes were so dilated with fear.” Natasha spoke calmly as they all nodded.  
“I am gonna stand near by with that Thorizine blow dart,....... Just in case.” Hawk eye offered and Steve sighed with a nod as Banner pulled out the specially designed sedative and anti- psychotic dart that he had designed with Hawkeye in mind for just such a circumstance.  
As they opened the door they could hear the pained whimpers and cries from the lost and confused former Assassin. Natasha crept closer with slow, cautious steps and Clint hovered by the door, both watching as the light from the hall way reflected off of his metal arm that he held defensively over his head. His body was shaking and he sounded like a frightened and injured animal.  
“Hello,..... Sergeant Barnes,....... Bucky......... Can you hear my voice?....... Do you understand what I am saying?” Natasha spoke in a gentle and soft tone and the cowering man shifted, his breath catching. He peered up at her from his defensive crouch and let out a panicked whimper and a violent shudder ran through him. She waited for him to respond but he said nothing, one wide eye locked on her, watching with fear as he trembled.  
“Why are you afraid?” She asked softly as she kneeled down, staying several feet away as she spoke in Russian. There was a long pause before she heard a raspy and broken voice reply, choked with raw emotion.  
“You will hurt me!” His voice trembled, his Russian fragmented and child like.  
“No,.....I will not hurt you...... No one here will hurt you....... You are safe now,..... you are with friends.” Her voice was patient and soothing, offering reassurance yet he remained frozen in place.  
“Where am I?” He asked with a shaky voice as he watched her unblinking.  
“You are with The Avenger’s, at our Tower in the middle of New York city.” She answered as she watched him shake.  
“Who are The Avengers?” He asked with a half sob, fear still all encompassing.  
“We are the Avenger’s..... Your Friends...... Friends do not hurt,..... friends help protect each other...... We are keeping you safe from the people who hurt you before.” Despite her calm and neutral tone, Natasha felt her heart ach as she watched the brave and strong man reduced to such a broken state.  
“Who am I?” Bucky asked in a strained whisper after a long pause, shifting slightly under the table so that he could see her with both eyes, his hands still gripping his hair.  
“Your name is Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,..... But you like to be called Bucky.” Natasha answered him in English and she watched as his brow crumpled in confusion but then suddenly changed to understanding. He slowly took a shuddered breath and lowered his hands as he crawled out from under the table, Kneeling across from Natasha with his arms loose at his side, eyes cast down.  
“My name is Bucky........ You are my friends,...... you saved me from......” He crumpled his head in thought and his flesh hand came up to pull on his hair once more. “Hydra?” His voice was a harsh whisper in English as he closed his eyes and two tears escaped, his body shuttering.  
“Yes,.... You escaped,..... and now you are with us,...... And we will protect you and keep you safe.” Natasha stated with conviction. Bucky let out a deep shuddering sigh as he blinked a few times and looked up, his pained and exhausted expression gripping her heart.  
“Why did they hurt me?” Bucky asked and his soft trembling voice sounded like a lost child. Clint remained still by the door but closed his eyes as he swallowed down his own pained empathy. He liked Bucky, they all did. And seeing him this way, crippled by fear and confusion, was far more difficult then seeing him overcome by anger and rage.  
“They hurt you because they were bad people,..... You are very strong and very brave and good..... They wanted to take that away.” Natasha’s tone sounded strained and she realized that despite her best efforts she felt her own emotions taking over.  
“I think,...... They made me Bad....... I..... I think I hurt people too!” Bucky spoke softly as he lowered his gaze to his open hands, staring at them and seeing glimpses of his own destructive power and the death he had caused.  
“They Hurt you,..... and they made you hurt others,.... But you are not Bad...... You are Good.” Natasha reassured as she edged closer. Bucky watched her warily until she was close enough to touch but she kept her hands folded in her lap, compassionate eyes watching him as she realized that at the moment she was speaking to the Soldier and not Bucky. Although the two personalities had been merging over the past few months, it was clear that the man in front of her was the simple, and fragile Soldier before he had been forged into his lethal and deadly state, lost and confused and overwhelmed in remembered pain.  
“I want to be good again,...... I don’t want to be punished.” Bucky sucked in a shuddered breath looking off to the side with a deep frown. Natasha smiled softly and extended her hand.  
“You can be good by helping people........ Can you help me stand up?” Natasha asked and the Soldier looked at her with growing awareness as he nodded. He slowly rose to his feet and then took her offered hand and gently pulled her up. She smiled at him warmly and brought a gentle hand to his face, using her tumb to wipe away his tears.  
“Thank you for being good and helping me stand up....... It’s time for you to rest now, will you come with me?” Natasha asked with a comforting tone. The Soldier nodded and let her lead him toward the door where Clint had already stepped outside into the hall way, the others standing back to give them space. As they stopped in the hall way Bucky glanced nervously around at the familiar faces, his eyes communicating his confusion and worry.  
“Hey Bucky,..... You okay?” Steve asked softly, having over heard the quiet conversation, as had the others. Bucky tilted his head as he looked at Steve with a deepening frown. He stepped forward and brought his hand up to Steve’s red and bruised face.  
“Steve,..... You’re hurt,....... Did I hurt you?” The Soldier asked with a sad, innocent tone, eyes shining brightly with tears. Steve swallowed and smiled as he placed a hand over Bucky’s own on his face and then placed his other hand on Bucky’s metal shoulder.  
“It’s okay,......... It was an accident,...... I will be fine.” Steve reassured, trying to keep his smile but feeling his heart sink as he was reminded of how confused and frightened the Soldier had been those first three months at the tower before he had gotten Bucky back. To be faced once again with the broken and trembling Soldier rather then his stubbornly independent friend was heartbreaking.  
“Friends do not hurt each other,...... Friends help each other,......... Hurting you was Bad Steve........” The Soldier swallowed as a shiver ran through him and he looked away pulling his hand back to his side. “Will I be punished now?” His voice was small and he glanced timidly at Steve with a lowered head and hunched shoulders, looking submissive. Steve let out his own disheartened choke as he shook his head and pulled Bucky’s tense body into a hug, holding him tight.  
“No Bucky!..... No!..... Please remember!....... Please just snap out of it!” Steve couldn’t help his half sob as he cried out gripping his friend tight. He stepped back with a hand on each shoulder, eyes franticly searching Bucky’s as if he could some how convince him to remember how to be himself again. Steve shook him less then gently and then let go with an anguished and frustrated groan, turning away as he ran his hands through his hair shaking his head.  
“Steve.......He’ll be okay.” Sam reassured as he pated the Captain on the back who was facing the wall pinching his noise with a harsh sigh. Sam looked over at Bucky who stood frozen, watching Steve with concern and confusion, biting his lip as he wrapped his arms anxiously around himself, aware that he was up setting his friend. “He’s just a little lost right now....... He got confused...... tell him it’s okay Steve,.....Look at him, man!” Sam urged as he pulled on Steve’s shoulder. The Captain looked up at Sam with sad eyes and a defeated expression then looked over at Bucky, his friend curled in on himself and shaking with nervous glances, biting his lip.  
“Hey,.... I am sorry pal!...... It’s okay,....... Your okay and so am I....... I’m not mad...... Just want you to feel safe!” Steve once more pulled his trembling friend into a hug, one hand on his back and the other in his hair. The others watched with sad, sympathetic eyes, knowing how hard it was for Steve each time Bucky’s personality disappeared and was replaced by the tragically broken Soldier. He pulled back and ran his hand through Bucky’s hair, the Soldier watching him timidly with large wet eyes, innocently blinking, lips in a pout. “Do you remember what we said about punishment?..... What I promised you?” Steve’s eyes were wet too and his voice soft and choked with emotion. Bucky nodded and kept his head bowed and eyes peering up at Steve.  
“No more pain?” Bucky spoke with a mumbled whisper and Steve chuckled with a grin beneath tearful eyes.  
“Yea!.... Thats good Buck!.....No more Pain,... no more punishment.....” Steve smiled as he continued to stroked the side of his friends face.  
“No more Hydra?” Bucky asked with a hopeful expression, eyes searching Steve’s face to see if he was right. Steve sighed and nodded as he pulled their foreheads together.  
“Yea Bucky,.... No more Hydra!..... You are free,.... you are safe...... and you are Good!“ Steve sighed again as Bucky let out a whimpered breath of relief and dropped his head onto Steve’s shoulder, leaning against him as much as he could. Steve wrapped his arms around his friend and rubbed his bare back up and down.   
“Lets get some rest okay pal?” Steve sighed as he knew Bucky would not refuse anyway in his current submissive state of mind. He nodded at the others in thanks and held Bucky’s flesh hand as he led him back toward their floor, already knowing that they would be sharing a bed that night.


	20. War Hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Ya’ll, I try to make some chapters a bit lighter and I know the last few have been mostly heavy! Don’t worry, Rumlow is on the horizon, just so much going!!!!

The morning light poured in through the balcony window and Bucky opened his groggy eyes with a moan, his head aching as if he had been drinking whiskey all night long. He realized after only a moment that once again he was not in his own bed as he felt Steve’s protective arm draped over him. Bucky rolled his eyes with a huff as he tossed the arm off of him grumbling as he rubbed his eyes.  
“You know Stevie,.... If somebody had told me when we were just kids that’d as a grown man I’d be waking up in your arms every morning instead of a beautiful Dame’s,.... I would have thought they were screwy!” He smirked as he perched himself up on his left elbow, his right hand rubbing his head. He felt Steve sit up and heard a heavy sigh of relief and a choked emotional laugh. Bucky sat up fully and turned to face him with a questioning expression. His face dropped and eyes growing wide as he took in the bruised noise, wet eyes and genuine smile.  
“Steve what the hell happened!...... You got attacked?” Bucky exclaimed with alarm as he reached up and grabbed his friends chin, turning his face side to side and examining the damage. He wore a fretful expression, so similar to the way he had always reacted back in the days of Brooklyn Bullies and back ally ways. Steve couldn’t help but chuckle, his heart flooded with relief that his best friend was back to his rightful state of mind.  
“I’m fine Buck!...... Not like it’s the first time my noise has been busted!” Steve kept smiling at him fondly, eyes watching his best friend grimace with concern. Bucky dropped his hand and studied Steve’s face with narrow, questioning eyes before he looked away and swallowed, closing his eyes as he rubbed his head, the throbbing increasing to a migraine. He sighed after a long moment then blinked his eyes before looking back up at his best friend with a solemn, remorseful expression.  
“I did that,.......last night.” Bucky shook his head with an angry pout, eyes unable to meet Steve’s. “I head butted you when you tried to stop me from running down the hall like a crazy person....... And now your just grinning at me like a flippin’ ideot instead of sticking me in a strait jacket.” Bucky looked away with a deep sigh.  
“Hey,..... don’t say that!......It was an accident Bucky!...... You were just scared,..... you were lost for a bit but your back now!” Steve’s smile was soft, eyebrows raised with hope as Bucky looked at him with a shake of his head and rolled eyes.  
“Seriously Steve why do you keep smiling at me like that!” Bucky asked with a guarded expression, eyes studying his friend, mouth in a pouting frown. Steve rolled his eyes and ran a hand threw his own hair with a shrug and small chuckle.  
“I’m just so happy your here,..... That your alive..... and you know who you are....... Every time you slip away,..... get confused,......” Steve’s smile faltered and his eyes met Bucky’s, communicating his love and concern. “It scares me Buck,...... Loosing you during the war hit me harder then loosing my own Ma because I felt like I failed you,..... Like i let you slip through my fingers!....... I can’t stand the idea of loosing you again,..... even if it’s just inside your own head.” Steve’s honest reply was heart felt and his eyes communicated just how important Bucky was to him. James’s expression softened and he wrapped Steve in a hug, kissing the top of his head.  
“You’re the best pal a fella could ask for Rogers!” Bucky sighed as he sat back and ruffled Steve’s hair before standing up and heading for the bathroom. “But if I keep waking up in your bed folks are gonna talk!” Bucky smirked as he entered the bathroom and shut the door as he heard Steve huff a laugh.  
............................................................................................................................................  
After breakfast Bucky begrudgingly sat down and viewed the 15 minutes of edited footage from the Hydra documentation that was going to be looped on every major news net work along with several pictures and his recorded statement identifying who he was and explaining how he became the Winter Solider against his will. Bucky remained silent, eyes glaring and mouth in a pout, arms crossed as he settled to watched the entire presentation that would be handed over to the media upon his approval. The other Avengers hovered behind him, exchanging glances and watching his reaction that had not changed since entering the room.   
The video clips had been selected by Jarvis and edited by the rest of the Team minus Steve as he was too close to be objective. It started with old black and white film clips from his days with the Howling Commando’s alongside Steve, them smiling and laughing, saluting the Camera and paling around, Bucky’s eyes were soft as he watched the images, having seen them before, first at the Smithsonian and then in Documentaries about their unit and WWII. Steve sat next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder as they watched their own faces, so different and yet the same, smiling at them from a time long past.  
The next piece of film gripped Bucky’s heart and he leaned forward with wide eyes as he watched his tearful mother give a eulogy at his gravesite that was right next to Steve’s. Bucky let out a quivering breath as more images played of people coming to play their respects, leaving flowers, flags and letters of thanks. A black and white close up of a news paper headline read, “We Will Never Forget our Brave Hero’s and Their Ultimate Sacrifice for America!” Under the bold words was Bucky’s handsome face smiling in his dress uniform and next to it a photo of Steve as Captain America Saluting,  
The video then became dark and Bucky stiffened, a tremor running through him as he instantly recognized his own bloody and disheveled body strapped down and defrosting on a medical exam table. His left arm was nothing but a bloody stump, mangled and held up by the smug face of Arim Zola. Steve squeezed his shoulder as Bucky sat perfectly still, eyes wide as he watched once again a hell that was still just fragmented memories, raw and confusing. He swallowed down the nauseas pit in his stomach watching with a strangled breath as the images played out before his eyes.  
The footage captured the essence of Sergeant Barnes’s imprisonment, torture, conditioning, programing and training. While the clips were graphic and nauseating to watch they were edited in a way that showed Bucky’s defiance and strength in the face of hopelessness, his will to resist while enduring unrelenting torment. They had done their best to save his dignity, choosing to focus on Hydra’s strategic manipulation and destruction of his identity and not how he was reduced to a shattered, whimpering slave, left bare and exposed. Among the clips of film, they included his attempt to protect and save the young girl by reading aloud his allegiance to Hydra so that it could be recorded and used against him during his conditioning. Another clip was the first time he was dragged kicking and screaming with one arm into the chair. The painful screams echoed as blue electricity ripped through his skull causing his body to convulse in his restraints. There were a few others that showed his training and punishment for inaccuracy. The rest was of Zola and Peirce explaining what procedures were being carried out to ensure his compliance and maintain control. Bucky’s body remained ridged and unmoving during the entire presentation that ended with still photographs of the most recent chair, the Cryotank as well as the metal exam table he was strapped to during injections and medical exams before and after Cryo. There were also close ups of the scarring where his metal arm was attached and the Hydra Brand on his neck.  
As the film ended, the screen turned black and the lights came on with a heavy silence as they waited to hear Bucky’s reaction. The Sergeant was staring strait ahead at the now blank screen blinking as he shook silently, Steve gazed at his friend with concern, reaching out to touch his shoulder. Upon contact Bucky flinched and gasped suddenly blinking rapidly and looking around as if broken from a trance, eyes large and wet and disoriented.  
“Bucky,..... You okay?” Steve asked softly and he was met by pained confusion and uncertainty. After another long pause Bucky swallowed and nodded as he took a few forced breaths then wiped his face with his flesh hand looking down, off to the side as he rose from his chair and turned toward the others not raising his eyes.  
“It’s fine,...... Thanks for not showing me as a pathetic, brainless bag of bones.......If you’ll excuse me,..... I need to be alone.” His tone was quiet and direct as he stared hard at the floor and then walked out of the room in a hurry, heading strait for his living quarters and a bathroom he could be sick in. Steve sighed as he watched him go, rubbing the back of his neck as he shook his head.  
“Christ!...... I thought the past seven months were hard, but this......” Steve sighed again shaking his head. Natasha walked up to him with a soft and patient smile, stroking his hair.  
“These months have been hard,..... too hard to deal with anything but recovery..... He’s stronger now,.....knows himself and what has happened,..... what he’s done...... All of this will be over soon and he can get on with life,.... you both can finally live again!” Natasha offered reassuringly.  
“And we can get back to our own pet projects and self interest instead of playing rehab for Amnesiac Super Soldier Assassins!” Tony smirked toying on his tablet and leaning against the wall. Steve rolled his eyes with a sad smile.  
“This Anderson Cooper guy,..... he’ll give Bucky a Fair Shake, right?” Steve asked with a note of concern in his voice.  
“From what I’ve seen of him,... he’s pretty calm and level headed,...... keeps his opinions out of it...... Plus he’s interviewing the dream team!........ You guys will be the best defense the Sergeant has against unfair accusations and speculation.” Clint shrugged and there was mumbled agreement.  
“Unless he asks what happened to Rogers’s face!” Natasha quipped as she held his chin and they all looked at Steve’s bruised noise and forehead with concern.  
“Will stick a cellular healer on it in the lab,....... it will fast forward the bruising more then your super healing already does.” Bruce sighed with a shrug as he adjusted his glasses.  
“Yup and make up will cover the rest!” Stark nodded as he looked up from the tablet. “I just sent the video to my lawyers,...... we have about six hours to get ready for this interview!....... Pepper is coming with us to make sure things go “smoothly.’” Stark raised his eye brows. “So that leaves the Spider and Bow-man here to play Bucky sitter...... As I haven’t slept in over 30 hours I am down for the count,...... Sam make sure Bruce and Steve ware decent suites!....... I have spent a small fortune on tailors and yet it’s always slacks and flannels or sweat paints and T-Shirts!” Stark grumbled as he headed out the door, Bruce rolling his eyes and Steve offering a lame smile that didn’t reach his worried eyes. The Captain knew he couldn’t protect Bucky from reliving the nightmares in his own head but at least he could spare him the public ridicule and hatred of the masses. He just had to make damn sure he could convince people of the truth.  
............................................................................................................................................  
“So I say we make a drinking game out of it!” Clint suggested as he sat down next to Bucky and Natasha on the couch as they faced the Television. He set down a large bottle of Whiskey and three shot glasses with a raised eyebrow.  
“A drinking game?” Bucky muttered darkly, hunched over and glaring at the commercial for some kind of diet soda.  
“Yea,...... Every time a specific thing happens we take a shot.” Clint shrugged as he caught Natasha’s amused but uncertain expression.  
“What do you have in mind?” She stretched out her long legs and crossed them on the coffee table as she glanced from Barton to Bucky who remained broodily hunched over and staring strait ahead.  
“Well,......We could drink every time Banner adjusts his glasses.” Hawkeye smirked.  
“Or every time Stark says his own last name.” She mused.  
“Or every time Steve looks at the wrong camera.” Clint winked at Natasha as she nodded and Bucky offered a huff of a laugh before leaning back and wiping his face.  
“Or every time one of ‘em calls me a flippin’ War Hero!” Bucky mumbled with a heavy sigh. Clint exchanged looks with Natasha and then tilted his head.  
“Yea,....... that works!....... And it will be like we are cheering to your true legacy,...... and not the shit Hydra made you do!” Barton spoke with a calm and casual tone but when his hand landed on Bucky’s shoulder he gave him a genuine and steady look with a nod as if reaffirming that he was, in fact, a War Hero and not just some unfortunate POW transformed into The Fist of Hydra.   
“It’s starting......” Natasha sighed and they turned their attention to the screen, Barton pouring the three shots.  
......................................................................................................................................  
THE WINTER SOLDIER........ THE TRUTH EXPOSED!  
The words were written in red across the screen as in the background clips of the eye witnessed videos played. Fragmented images of a masked man with a metal arm fighting with Steve Rodger and shooting guns as frightened people fled. Anderson Cooper walked in front of the large screen and spoke with calm neutrality as videos played behind him, showing the violent attacks as well as family’s of the victims morning at candle light vigils, politicians shouting about national security and fiery ruins of helicarriers scattered around D.C and The Potomac  
“For decades The Winter Soldier has been little more then a Ghost story,.... a lethal Assassin and shadow operative believed to be working for the Soviet Union. Until the very public attacks in Washington D.C s over eight months ago, there had been no clear pictures of this man, no finger prints or traces of his existence, simply speculation and whispers amongst the intelligence community...... Now however, this Mysterious figure has not only been caught on camera, but his past crimes and connections to historical atrocities have been exposed by the release of classified S.H.I.E.L.D documentation. We have learned that while he was initially operating out of Russian, he was not in fact an agent of the KGB, but instead a man made into a weapon by a secret and powerful Cult many believed had been abolished after WWII. HYDRA.” Anderson stepped aside and began to explain a brief history of Hydra’s origins, video clips of the Nazis and then the Red Skull and finally the dark symbol that had been branded onto Bucky’s neck.  
“This symbol has recently become known by the world over as Nation States are discovering how members of this fascist cult have been infiltrating Governments for the past 70 years,..... operating from within Democracy’s and Dictatorships alike, third world to first world, creating War and unleashing chaos. Their goal;..... Global domination,...... their greatest weapon: The Winter Soldier. Some within the higher ranks of this secret organization have referred to him as, ‘The Fist of Hydra’ while others have called him simply, “The Asset.” Anderson again gestured to the large screen that showed The Winter Soldier walking through smoke filled streets with a large gun over his shoulder.  
“According to international intelligence, this deadly mercenary has been accredited with over two dozen assassinations and suspected of many, many more..... Highly skilled and trained in all areas of combat,... his abilities, much like his longevity have experts speculating that he is far beyond an average human and some suggest perhaps he was engineered and modified to be the Soviet answer to our very own Super Soldier, Captain America...... Tonight in a special two hour expose, we reveal the true identity of the Hydra Assassin, Code Name, The Winter Soldier, and the shocking origin story of America’s most feared and despised Terrorist,..... Once, a National War Hero.” Anderson nodded at the Camera and Clint raised a shot and nodded back. “Warning, some of the images that will be shown are graphic, violent and very disturbing.”  
“And we begin!” He looked over at a solemn Bucky and guarded Natasha as they each held the shot glass up and then quickly swallowed it down, letting the burn carry them into the next phase of the News Program.  
The T.V screen faded to black and then the image of Sergeant Barnes appeared, sitting tensely at a table clutching a few pages in his flesh hand as he looked strait forward, his nervousness evident and eyes communicating his fear and discomfort. Bucky leaned back in the couch with an annoyed huff as he shook his head.  
“I look like a God Damn Nut Job!” He glared angrily at his own image as his recorded self began to explain how he had been forced against his will to become the Winter Soldier.   
“Ease up on your self Sargent!...... You look like a man revealing a painful ordeal,.... which is precisely what you’re doing.” Clint shrugged and patted his knee as Natasha ran her hands comfortingly through his hair while they listened to the emotional confession. Immediately after was the video colleague created by the Avengers, showing Bucky during the war, his mourned death and honored sacrifice and then the brutal reality that he had been imprisoned to. Bucky had left half way through to go to the bathroom and vomit, a reaction he could not suppress every time he watched himself dragged to the hated chair that had stolen his memories and now haunted his dreams.  
Bucky collapsed back onto the couch again leaning forward with a grunt as Clint patted him on the back. The video ended and once more Anderson Cooper appeared, this time sitting at a desk. He nodded at the Camera and began to speak with a clear and even tone.  
“Joining us now we have four men who have taken on custodianship and rehabilitation of Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. The purpose of this interview is to gain insight as to why they have kept him hidden from law enforcement and the public until now and what legal actions will be taken on his behalf in the face of a federal court date set to begin sometime in the next few months...... Hello Gentlemen and welcome. Thank you for coming on this program and offering us clarification about the identity and were-abouts of The Winter Soldier.” The camera angle changed and focused on the tight lipped smile of Tony Stark who was swiveling his chair back and forth.  
“In our first chair we have Mr. Anthony Stark,..... CEO of Stark Industries, a weapons engineer who has recently turned his genius toward renewable energy. He is also the inventor and pilot of the Ironman suite and has been dubbed by The New York Times as the ‘Savoir of New York’, after the battle a few years ago with alien forces. He has dedicated his Tower in New York to The Avenger’s, as a base of operations as well as a museum, restaurant and gift shop that has been closed down, presumably since taking on custody of Sergeant Barnes.” Anderson paused as Tony nodded, leaning back casually in his chair.  
“Pleasures all mine Anderson!” Tony nodded as he drummed his fingers on the desk.  
“To his left we have Dr. Bruce Banner, also known as ‘The Hulk’, A Nuclear Physicist and Gamma Radiation specialist who also has an M.D and has taken on responsibility for the medical care of Sergeant Barnes over the past several months.” Anderson spoke with a hint of a question.  
“Yes Mr. Cooper, That is correct.” Banner nodded with an awkward smile, adjusting his glasses.  
“And next in our line up is Mr. Sam Wilson, a former United States Air Force Pararescue and counselor at the V.A assisting returning Vets who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He has recently been working with Captain America and The Avengers under the code name of ‘The Falcon,’ and currently resides at the Avenger’s tower with these other gentleman, facilitating the therapeutic rehabilitation of Sergeant Barnes.” Anderson looked to Sam for verification.  
“Yes Sir,..... but Sergeant Barnes is also receiving mental health services and medication management from a leading Psychiatrist in the treatment of PTSD.” Sam nodded, wanting to make sure the public understood that Bucky was working with professionals and experts in the field.  
“And finally but certainly not least,..... a man that has represented everything The United States would like to stand for. Our very first Superhero who gave his life during World War II against Hydra only to be revived to live and fight again, protecting our Nation and the World at large,..... Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America him self.” Anderson nodded respectfully to Steve who looked slightly uncomfortable and out of his depth. He offered a polite smile and nod, looking at each camera then back to Anderson as he leaned forward with his hands clasped together.  
“God he is so adorably awkward!” Natasha mused and Bucky huffed a laugh.  
“So Captain Rogers’s, I believe I speak for the majority of the American people and likely the world at large when I say we all know the story of Captain America and his Howling Commando’s during World War II,..... how you and your men fought against a Nazi Cult lead by Johann Shmidt and how before your self sacrifice of crashing a plane loaded with bombs into the artic, your best friend, Sergeant Barnes had also given his life in the line of duty,...... But as we are seeing now,.... That was not the case.” Anderson ended his statement with room for Steve to elaborate. The Captain shifted and cleared his throat then licked his lips, looked into three different cameras and finally spoke.  
“Yes Sir,..... That is,..... I thought,..... we all thought he had died falling from a Train in the Alps......... If I had known.......” Steve swallowed and shook his head as he rubbed his eyes looking down. He sighed heavily then looked back up, at the camera closest to him, his eyes communicating his sincerity. “What you need to know,.... what the American people and the citizens of this world need to understand,..... is that with out James Buchanan Barnes,... there would have been no Captain America,...... or at least I would not have been.” Steve sat up a little straighter as his voice grew with conviction. “I have known Bucky since before I could walk, and I can promise with all certainty that he is one of the best men to have ever served our country...... He is the bravest, most courageous and honorable man I have ever met, and has been my own personal hero, long before the War had ever started!” Steve’s voice was strong and his tone powerful.  
“Up,..... he said Hero!” Clint poured the shots as Bucky smirked and shook his head, rolling his eyes at Steve’s praise but smiling despite himself.  
“Well coming from you Sir, that is quiet an honor,..... You said with out Sergeant Barnes you would not have been Captain America?” Anderson asked. Steve nodded as he sat back.  
“Most people who have read my story or seen one of the documentary’s know that I was a small, frail child, sickly and prone to illness....... There were many times growing up when I caught pneumonia or had an asthma attack that left me on deaths doorstep with only my mother and Bucky keeping me from giving up........He would come by our place and help my ma take care of me,... cheer me up when I was feeling low,..... read me books,..... tell jokes.....” Steve sighed as he trailed off, eyes growing found. He swallowed as he looked up again. “ I also got into fights a lot, a habit that followed me into adulthood. Every time my back was to the wall and I was two punches short from getting busted up,.... There would come Bucky,..... swooping in to save the day...... Most of the time he’d end of taking on two or three guys just trying to protect me,..... end up more bruised and bloody then I did, but still he’d be caring me home and acting like he wasn’t hurt.” Steve shook his head with a soft smile.  
“So I imagine when you were over in Europe and you first found out about the 107th, Sergeant Barnes’s troop, having been taken captive by Nazi’s,..... it must have been terribly difficult,.... the realization that your friend,.... your best friend, was one of the men missing in action.” Anderson spoke with a thoughtful expression and Steve nodded as he swallowed again looking down then back up.  
“It was more then difficult,..... it was.... unbelievable!..... I remember feeling numb,..... and then I just acted,...... Luckily for me Peggy,.... Uh,.... Agent Cater,.... was there to talk some sense into me other wise I think I would have just taken off running.” He smiled but with humorless eyes. “ Thanks to her and Howard,.... Mr. Stark,..... Tony’s father that is.....” Steve nodded at Tony who raised his eyebrows with a ‘No Duh’ expression. “They flew me behind enemy lines and I managed to locate the POW camp,...... When I got inside and found the other Soldiers,..... I hate to admit it but I didn’t even see them,.... I was just looking for Bucky,...... It was the first question out of my mouth when I threw them the keys....... And then they said he was in an isolation ward,...... that no one ever came back from.....” Steve’s jaw tightened and he looked away, eyes hard, as he clenched his fists. When he spoke again his voice sounded raspy and choked with emotion. “When I found him,...... he was strapped to a table,.... mumbling his name, rank and serial number like he would forget it if he didn’t keep saying.” Steve shook his head as he stared hard at his hands. “There were syringes and medical equipment everywhere and.......” He looked up with sad remorseful eyes. “I should have known then,...... should have realized that it wasn’t just torture...... Zola, had been experimenting on him,...... knew how strong he was,..... and wanted to use him,........ turn him into a weapon for Hydra.” Steve grimaced as he spoke.  
“In the recorded statement made by Sergeant Barnes,.... He clamed no knowledge of what they had done to him at that time and that he had been cleared for duty.” Anderson questioned with professional curiosity.  
“If I may,....” Bruce spoke up and Steve nodded. “After reviewing Hydra’s documentation, and specifically Dr. Zola’s notes about the early stages of his experimentation on Sergeant Barnes,.... It appears that Zola was attempting to recreate the effects of the Super Soldier Serum and procedure that The Captain here had gone through, but with a much less calculated and tested process....... Basically Steve was injected with a high concentration of the serum and then was placed in an electrified, cellular stimulation tank that expedited the serum’s integration into his genetic make up and forced growth....... I believe, Captain Rogers’s,.... you said it ‘hurt like hell?” Banner turned to Steve who huffed with a nod.  
“Worse pain I have ever felt.” Steve sighed.  
“And this procedure was stream lined and condensed to make it as quick as possible,.... I believe it took about six minutes, according to Mr. Howard Stark’s records....... Where as Zola was attempting the same thing but using volatile chemical cocktails and electrical voltage that would activate 8 times a day for fifteen minute intervals.........Subjecting Sergeant Barnes to prolonged states of agony over the course of more then two weeks. This same unethical procedure was tested on 12 other POW’s and resulted in their deaths......... The fact that Sergeant Barnes was somehow able to survive such experimentation is what made him so valuable to Hydra.” Banner concluded.  
“Bucky had no idea what Zola had done to him and neither did we....... I hate to admit it, but when he said he felt fine after only a few days in the med tent and then was cleared for active duty, I just,..... accepted it....... Was grateful to have my Best Friend fighting at my side,...... I never questioned it,..... never considered how he had been effected physically,.... or even mentally,..... from something like that.” Steve’s tone expressed his regret and deep guilt.  
“God, Steve!...... Just stop!” Bucky groaned and sat forward with his head in his hands. Natasha rubbed his back as Clint sighed.  
“And you fought side by side for Two years after that,... no indication that he had been altered in some way?..... Effected by the experimentation?” Anderson asked with a slight frown. Steve shook his head with a sigh.  
“He,...... he never got sick,...... and sleep deprivation,.... or the cold,.....or hunger,..... Nothing effected him as hard as it did for the other men,.... but I hardly noticed any of those condition’s because of my own serum. I just was so focused on completing our missions that if I did take a minute to wonder about why he healed from a cut fast, or how impeccable his aim was from far away,..... I just..….. kind of got distracted by other things going on that always seemed more urgent or pressing....... We were at War and all I could think about was what threats lay ahead……. and ignored what was behind,...... But mentally,.... I knew,..... we all knew.....” Steve swallowed with shame.   
“He didn’t sleep well,...... drank constantly and when he was asleep he would wake up either shouting and fighting,..... or worse,...... he would just be frozen with fear,....... shaking silently with his eyes wide open.” Steve clasped his hands together with a distraught expression. “ I would wake up next to him in the tent and he would be all locked up,......couldn’t see me or hear me calling his name,....... I’d just shake him, splash water on his face or,...... slap him,.....” Steve looked up at the camera with apologizing eyes and Bucky groaned shaking his head.   
“But I had no idea that when he fell from that Damn Train that he had survived!...... If I had known......” Steve shook his head, voice becoming steel again. “I would have searched all over those caverns for him,...... But I didn’t,.....” Steve sighed heavily then looked up at Anderson with a stoic expression. “The simple truth is; I use to believe that I had failed to save my Best Friend from falling to his death,......But the reality,..... it was so much worse.........He had fallen into the Hands of Hydra.” Steve sighed hating himself. “Just as I would have never been Captain America with out Bucky,..... He would have never been the Winter Soldier If I hadn’t left him there,..... alone in the snow with one arm torn off, defenseless against Hydra!” Steve’s voice was strained and he hung his head as Sam patted his back. Anderson seemed to understand the heaviness of the confession and made a calm cut to commercial just before Steve slumped over the table, his head buried in his arms with Sam rubbing his back and whispering reassurances.  
Bucky watched Steve’s emotional tyrant and hissed with frustration picking up his phone as a commercial came on. He stood up and dialed Stark’s number with a scowl on his face, pacing around the room as Clint and Natasha watched with quiet, non judging eyes. After only one ring Tony picked up, voice brimming with false cheer.  
“Hey Buckeroonie!......... You enjoying your time in the spotlight?” Tony sighed, not abele to keep up the falsely upbeat tone.  
“Put Steve on Please.” Bucky’s words were clipped but polite as he stilled and waited. He heard a shuffle and then an emotional voice broke over the phone.  
“Hello?..... Bucky are you okay?” Steve asked with concern and worry.  
“Yea Stevie I’m fine,..... But are you okay?........ What was with that Damn speech?...... Blaming your self for what Hydra did,....... that is just horse shit!..... You hear me Rogers!” Bucky practically shouted into the phone. “Stop carrying the weight of the world on your God Damn shoulders and sit up strait Captain!” Bucky demanded with a chastising tone. He sighed as he rubbed his face and his voice became soft and gentle........ “I need you to be the strong one here Stevie!..... Okay,..... For me?...... Please?” Bucky’s own voice became fragile and soft as he blinked and whipped his eyes, his own emotions becoming overpowering.  
“Yea,........ I can do that Buck,..... Sorry,....... I got this!” Steve sighed as he sat up and swallowed, eyes becoming focused and clear.  
“Good!.........Now pull it together Cap!...... I am depending on you!” Bucky’s voice was horse and he hung up as he rubbed the back of his neck staring hard at the phone.  
“He needs a good kick in the ass sometimes!” Natasha nodded and Bucky smiled weakly as he sat back down with a heavy sigh, Clint patting his back and handing him a shot.  
“Nobody said hero.” Bucky muttered, accepting it regardless.  
“Yea,..... But I was thinking it though.” Clint smiled as he cheered the man and drank it back, Natasha joining in.

............................................................................................................................................

The interview had continued on with Anderson asking different questions and each man stepping in to explane why Bucky’s identity and where-abouts had been kept secret, about Hydra’s attack on the Tower and about his duel diagnosis of PTSD and DID. They showed the images of the Chair, the Cryo Tank, his scared shoulder and brand as well as other photos that helped paint a vividly tragic picture of a good man manipulated against his will after severe abuse and forced memory loss.   
Tony explained the mechanics of the chair, how it targeted his memory but left his tactical knowledge unaltered with each whip. He also made a point to express his disgust at the brutality of the surgery that had replaced Bucky’s arm with the metallic prosthetic. Bruce had shown brain imaging scans of Bucky’s still healing mind, memory synapses still reforming. The Doctor went on to explain how Hydra had used drugs to help maintain control over the Soldier and the dramatic effects of withdrawal and detox that had been nearly life threatening. He also explained how Bucky had received nourishment through IV’s and supplements rather then digesting sold food orally and how effectively dehumanizing the conditioning process had been. Sam spoke directly to the cause of PTSD and DID, the symptoms and how difficult it was for Sergeant Barnes to come to grips with what he had been forced to do under Hydra’s orders. The interview had ended with a declaration from Tony Stark promising full cooperation with the legal system and the Federal Courts as Steve vocalized that Bucky was as much a victim of Hydra as the innocent lives he was ordered to terminate. Anderson had remained impartial during his questions, and dug deeper if he felt like there were details missing. He thanked the Avenger’s for their time and promised continuing coverage as the legal proceedings developed.  
Between the four Avengers and Anderson Cooper, the word hero had been uttered almost two dozen times and while Bucky was fairly buzzed, Natasha and Clint were completely drunk. Bucky sat awake on the couch drinking the last swigs of the bottle as Natasha laid sprawled across his lap, her feet on Clint who was laid out in the opposite direction snoring softly next to Bucky who was in the middle. He was sipping causally the last swigs of the bottle of Whiskey and watching a panel of political pundits analyze the interview and exposes, grimacing as many of them voiced their disbelief in “Brain Washing”, and demanded justice for the many victims of the greatly despised Winter Soldier. He gulped down another swallow of booze, letting it burn his throat when the four Avenger’s entered the Common room with Ms. Pepper Pots. They all paused for a moment taking in the disheveled seen of the two former S.H.E.I.L.D agents passed out drunk, three shot glasses on the table and Bucky sitting in-between them with the remints of the bottle. He offered a fuzzy smile and raised the bottle with a nod of acknowledgment at the return of his friends.  
“Well,..... I didn’t think the interview went that bad!” Stark raised an eyebrow at the seen. Bucky huffed a laugh and rolled his head looking at the other two occupants of the couch before he smirked and looked back up as the others stood or sat staggered around the room.  
“Nah,...... It didn’t go bad,...... you guys did one hell’of ah job trying to convince people that I’m a good guy....... and I appreciate ya not telling em’ ‘bout me running around screaming like a maniac most the time!” Bucky smirked as he handed Sam the bottle who reached for it with a smile of thanks before taking his own swallow,  
“So then why the bottle of Whiskey?” Banner asked with an amused smile, having never seen Agent Romanoff or Barton so drunk.  
“S’was Clint’s idea,...... play a drinking game,..... took a shot every time one of ya fellas called me a hero.” Bucky smirked again as he took the bottle back from Sam, offering it around before taking the final few swallows. He shook his head and blinked as he set down the bottle on the table, leaning forward and causing Natasha to shift, kicking Barton in the ribs who shouted a grunt and brought his own legs up now also resting on Bucky’s lap. The others chuckled as Bucky threw his hands up with a shrug and collapsed back in the couch, seatbelted by legs from each side.  
“Well, that sounds like something Agent Barton would do!...... Good night Gentlemen,...... I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day with the publicity team.” Pepper sighed with a soft smile, kissed Tony and waved at Bucky who smiled and waved back, eyes half open.  
“So,..... everything is okay?” Steve fumbled nervously as he remained leaning forward with his hands firmly clasped, eyes nervous. Bucky looked over at Steve with an annoyed huff and rolled his eyes.  
“Yea Stevie,...... Everything is just Peachy Keen!...... Now the whole world knows I am the Winter Soldier and hates my guts!....... Gonna tare Ol’ Sergeant Barnes right outta the history books and burn the pages!........ Can’t wait to start reading all the hate mail!” Bucky snorted bitterly as he wiped his face. He looked back up at Steve’s distraught expression and his eyes soften, relenting when he saw Steve hang his head. “Awww,... common Stevie,.... m’ fine!........ You were the one all choked up about it,...... If I have to tell ya one more time that this shit ain’t yer fault I swear to God almighty I am gonna slap you right upside yer fool head Captain Jackass!” Bucky pointed drunkenly at Steve, slurring his words and closing one eye as he tried to fix him with a look of warning, the effect mostly humorous. Steve chuckled and shook his head as the others smirked.  
“Yea,.... Okay Jerk,........ I appreciated the pep talk earlier too!” Steve joked as he stood up and offered Bucky a hand.  
“Hell Roger’s,.... somebody’s gotta talk sense into you,..... and it sure as shit hasn’t been these mugs!” Bucky accepted the hand and clumsily freed himself from the other bodies on the couch who now lay with their legs tangled and overlapped in the middle, heads in the opposite direction.  
“We try Man, but Captain Jackass just wont listen!” Sam chuckled as Steve rolled his eyes and Bruce took a blanket offered from Stark and draped it over the two unconscious team mates.  
“Well,..... I think it’s safe to say that the Spider and Birdie here are unfit Bucky sitters!” Tony sighed as he turned toward the doorway.  
“Honestly though,..... They were good company,.... kept me from getting all down in the dumps about everything!.... They are good friends!.....” Bucky stumbled and Steve caught him with an arm around his shoulders. Bucky ginned at his friend and looked at the other three men who were heading for their floors but stood still as they listened to Bucky’s drunk but heartfelt words. “All of you Guys!....... The Best fella’s I know,..... I can’t ever repay you,.... any’ ah you for what you been doing fer me all these months!” Bucky’s grin faltered and his lips trembled as his eyes shown bright with tears, his expression genuine and full of gratefulness and humility.  
“A friend in need is a friend indeed Sergeant Barnes!” Stark saluted him and Steve hugged him tight, his hand rubbing up and down Bucky’s metal arm as he lead him toward the door way.  
“We got yer back Sergeant Barnes,..... just like you would have ours!” Sam smiled and nodded as he clasped Bucky’s hand as he passed. Bucky nodded with a thankful nod and eyes that communicated how much it meant to him as he leaned drunkenly against Steve.  
“See you guys in the morning.” Steve smiled at them as he half carried the swaying man through the door way and down to the elevator. He sighed as they got to their rooms and he dropped him in his own bed before helping him under the covers. “Seventy years later and yer still the same old Jerk!...... Getting boozed up and leaving me to carry yer sorry ass home and tuck you in!” Steve chided good naturedly as he tugged off Bucky’s shoes and undid his belt and jeans. Bucky chuckled as he kicked lazily out of the pants and then accepted the blanket Steve pulled over him.  
“And yer still a Punk Stevie,.... but now yer bigger and can carry me with out having an asthma attack!” Bucky smiled, eyes closed as Steve ruffled his hair, staring down at his friend with protective fondness.  
“‘Night Buck.” Steve whispered as he headed for his own room.   
“Night Captain Jackass!” Bucky snickered and Steve huffed and rolled his eyes knowing already that Bucky had found a new favorite nick name.


	21. Jump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So….. Don’t look up record for worlds longest time jump roping. I did and it totally screws with the content of this Chapter and the possibility for injury. Just go with what I am depicting here if you don’t mind.

There was no time for reflection or recovery now that the truth behind the Winter Soldier was made public. Starks lawyer’s had spent the first two days after the T.V interview in a pissing contest with the F.B.I and the Federal prosecutor, negotiating Bucky’s arrest and pretrial detainment. A secret conference was held at Avengers Tower with Mr. Stark and his legal team, Pepper Pots the CEO of Stark industries, Sergeant Barnes, Captain Rogers and a temporary Judge appointed to over see his arraignment. There was a legal battle of wills and demands for justice as well as stated concerns regarding political influence and public perception, all factors that played into the arguments presented to the Judge who looked distressed through out the many hours of arraignment, stealing glances at the Defendant with tempered fear and uncertainty..   
For the most part, Bucky had remained silent and motionless through out the negotiation process except when he was asked a question directly. Steve had watched him with concern as he withdrew into himself, head down and eyes locked on the table. Bucky was all too familiar with the feeling of authoritative people talking about him but not to him, deciding his fate with out asking him for any input. Steve, Pepper and Tony had sat next to him through out the long hours of negotiation and legal jargon that was venomously argued between the private law firm and the Federal prosecutor, accompanied by his chief investigator, the director of the FBI and Agent Hill who represented S.H.E.I.L.D at the proceedings. At times, Tony or Pepper would catch Steve’s eye as they cast Bucky side ways glances, worried as they watched the former Assassin and traumatized vet, his face drawn tight and eyes distant as his hands shook beneath the table.  
Eventually a tenuous agreement had been made and the plead of Not Guilty by reason of Mental Impairment, was officially documented and submitted for record. After a great deal of deliberation and reassurances from Captain America and Ironman, Sergeant Barnes was remanded to the Custody of the Avengers and Stark International. The Judge and Federal prosecutor agreed to allow Sergeant Barnes to remain in their custody with the requirement that the former Assassin ware an ankle bracelet monitoring his movements to ensure he would not leave the grounds. While Bucky did not resist or voice his bitter resentment, it was obvious in his eyes as he remained perfectly still, watching an officer attached the ankle monitor. His jaw twitched and his eyes stared hard at the device as Steve rest a reassuring hand on his shoulder.  
Almost a week past with each occupant of The Avenger’s tower working either behind the scenes or in the public eye to prepare for Bucky’s day in court only two months away. It had been announced publicly only a short time after Bucky’s private arraignment by the Attorney General who assured the American people that justice would be served and that the Winter Soldier was being detained at an undisclosed facility for National security purposes. There was pressure on the Federal courts from not only the citizen’s of the United States, but the entire world, who viewed the Winter Soldier as a Global Terrorist threat and an international War criminal, responsible for numerous atrocities around the world. The news and media was constantly parked outside of the Avenger’s Tower as well as hordes of people protesting the Avenger’s support and defense of the much hated Ex-Hydra Assassin.  
Bucky was reduced to a shadow of his former self, quiet and withdrawn, speaking only when directly addressed, either staring vacantly at nothing or looking intensely off to the side, pensive eyes deep dark with dread and anxiety. He went through the routine motions of life, bathing, eating, meeting with his Therapist and working out. The doctor had expressed concern that Bucky had lapsed into a depressive episode because of the stress of the up coming trial and the hatred from the media and American Public. Despite Steve’s concerns Bucky insisted on watching the news each night, leaning forward stiffly, motionlessly processing the flow of hateful propaganda and calls for justice. By the end of the week Bucky’s grave site had been vandalized and his memorial at the National Museum temporarily removed. The other Avenger’s tried to offer comfort and support but Bucky would simply nod with a forced smile or just stare at them with despair and self hatred before turning away, withdrawing further into himself.  
At night his dreams were so violent and agonizing that he awoke in a fit of screaming covered in sweat, vomit and shivering soon to follow. He would thrash and shove Steve away then lock himself in the bathroom and beg Steve to leave him alone, pleading with a strained voice, broken and racked with sobs and wrenching. Steve was at a loss and was exhausted from almost eight months of trying to hold onto Bucky through his turbulent roller coaster of recovery. He was wearing thin emotionally and knew he was snapping at the others, constantly apologizing for loosing his temper.   
Almost daily one or more of the Avenger’s would be remotely interviewed by different news stations from around the world, often times finding them selves on the defense against slanderous accusations and falsehoods that had spread through social media. Bucky’s Psychiatrist was interviewed frequently and as a result had also become the target for hatred and suspicion. Stark assigned him a security detail and he was relocated to a different residence when death threats began to appear and his car windows were smashed in. The stress was taking it’s toll, putting everyone on edge, and Bucky knew that he was at the center of it all, painfully aware that because of him, his friends new and old were facing public disgrace.  
As the days wore on, Bucky’s depression worsened and Steve began physically dragging him out of bed, helping him shower and dress and then practically spoon feeding him. Bucky did not resist or protest in any way, accepting Steve’s help and following his orders as if he was once more just a mindless vessel that responded only to the demands of others. Steve would shake him, beg him to snap out of it and Bucky would look at his friend with grief and pitiful sorrow, mumbling apologies as his lost eyes grew wet and he hung his head in shame. The pain at seeing Bucky so morose was worse then before when he was still just the Winter Soldier because now he was fully aware and conscious, his true self falling back into the empty void of hopeless defeat that had been Hydra’s handy work. On good days, Bucky was numb to everything, coasting through the tower with a blank expression, moving as if on autopilot. On bad days, he was crippled with grief and guilt, unable to find the energy to do much of anything at all.  
It was almost two and a half weeks since Bucky’s recorded confession had aired and Steve had just finished his breakfast with his best friend, a process that involved Steve quietly insisting that Bucky eat, trying to use a voice that was not authoritative yet convincing. After the meal Steve suggested Bucky go to the Gym to work out and as predicted his friend responded with a single head nod and swallow, picking up his dishes and carrying them stiffly to the sink. His movements were automatic, eyes vacant and expression blank. Steve watched him with a heavy heart, reminding himself of what Sam had been explaining to him in their own counseling sessions. Bucky was coping; trying to deal with a tremendous amount of internal turmoil and external stressors that he had no control over. He had fallen back into a learned pattern, into the mindset of the Winter Soldier, with out the testosterone boosters and aggressive stimulants that induced focused violence. He was complacent and emotional withdrawn, trying his best to function with out having a complete break down.   
Steve sighed as he walked with Bucky to the gym, patting him on the back as his friend again nodded, offering a forced smile that looked like more of a grimace before entering the large area. Steve turned and went down the hall, groaning as he tried to prepare himself for his sixth broadcasted interview that week, this time answering questions along side Sam and Bruce as to Bucky’s current level of memory retention and how he feels about his crimes now remembered and consciously realized. He past Natasha in the hall and stopped her with a small smile.  
“Off to feed the news hounds more scraps?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. He huffed and nodded then locked over his shoulder back toward the gym.  
“Bucky’s working out,..... can you....” He trailed off and she tilted her head sympathetically squeezing his hand.  
“I am actually on my way to an intel meeting with the F.B.I a few levels down,...... I am handing over everything Bucky was able to remember about Hydra bases, codes, and possible double agents here and abroad.” She sighed with a shrug when Steve cocked an eye brow. “It’s all part of the transparency agreement that was signed at his arraignment..... Lucky for us,..... Director Fury has agreed to share newly acquired S.H.I.E.L.D intel as well on behalf of the defense,...... guess he has a heart after all.” She smirked and Steve huffed shaking his head. “Anyway Jarvis has his eyes on him,.... something happens and he will let us know.” She smiled reassuringly at Steve who nodded and offered a soft thank you. He watched her go and then rubbed his face, still dreading the coming onslaught of questions.  
............................................................................................................................................  
It was over two hours later when Steve felt his phone vibrate with a text message for the fourth time in 15 minutes. He nudged Sam with his elbow, showing him the phone discreetly; aware they were on camera live. Sam nodded and gave a slight hand signal to one of Stark’s layers who stepped into the view of the Camera just as a particularly aggressive news reporter demanded for the third time in a row to speak directly with Sergeant Barne’s, asking why they were keeping him hidden from the public and emphasizing that the Terrorist needed to speak for himself rather then having others defend his actions.  
“I’m sorry Sir but that is all the time we have for questions today....... We appreciate your commitment to the truth and your understanding at just how difficult the process of recovery can be. I assure you and the good citizens that Sergeant James Barnes will be available for questions after his trial. Thank you.” With that, the video feed cut off and everyone let out an audible sigh.  
“God that was tedious!!!” Banner groaned as he shook his head. Steve opened his phone and his eyes grew.  
“Jarvis has been texting me so he wouldn’t interrupt the interview..... He thinks Bucky may be in physical distress!” Steve almost shouted jumping to his feet. Instantly Steve was out the door followed by Sam and Bruce.  
Sir, I apologize for not speaking to you directly but I was advised against verbal disclosure pertaining to Sergeant Barnes while there are other occupants within the Tower and when there is a live video feed....... Sergeant Barnes is still in the gymnasium and appears to be ignoring his body’s physiological responses to over exertion of his calf muscles, specifically the Gastrocnemius and Soleus Muscles.  
“What does that mean exactly?!” Steve demanded as he raced down the stairs jumping over the banister and dropping floors.  
“It means he has Calf Strains, tearing of the muscle from the tendon..... Put ice packs on it, I’ll grab my kit!” Banner called down from above as Steve rapidly descended the flights of stairs, Sam close behind him.   
As Steve bolted into the gym he slowed as he saw Natasha edging close to Bucky, watching him with concern. Steve took a few steps forward and looked Bucky up and down breathing heavily. The Sergeant was wearing tennis shoes, knee length navy blue work out shorts and a long sleeve white underarmer shirt and glove, having grown more self conscious of the metal appendage around the presence of new, unfamiliar people in the tower. He was jumping rope, an activity that seemed so normal, hopping three times on his right foot and switching to three on the left, an even rhythm back and forth as the rope whished through the air and whipped the floor in rapid succession. His eyes were locked strait ahead and his brow was knit with concentration, a determined look plastered on his face, jaw locked as he breathed harshly through his noise. His face was dripping with sweat; hair matted to his forehead and his mouth was in a grimace, eyes bright with unspoken pain.  
“Bucky stop!” Steve shouted and there was no response, his friend’s eyes unblinking, body continuing it’s rhythm.  
“Soldier, stop moving....... Assume First position!” Natasha barked in a Russian shout. Bucky did not register her words or acknowledge that they were in the room with him, standing only a few feet away.  
“He’s in a flash back.” Sam warned from behind Steve.  
“We gotta snap him out of it before he hurt himself!” Steve spoke with urgency.  
“Hit him!” Natasha suggested.  
“What!” Steve barked with annoyance.  
“If you hit him it will disrupt the pattern and might break the hallucination, If you try to grab him, he might defend himself in order to continue what he’s doing.” Sam spoke matter of factly and Steve swallowed before taking a few steps forward and striking Bucky with his open palm on his friends chest, sending him staggering backwards as the jump rope came down on the Captain like a whip lash. Steve hissed then looked up at Bucky who staggered for a moment looking confused, before suddenly blinking fast as if coming back to himself, looking around startled and disoriented before he let out a short cry of pain, collapsing where he stood and falling to his back grabbed at his calf muscles.  
“Agggghhhhh,...Ow,.....Fuck,...... Christ,....... Aghhhhh!” Bucky’s face was contorted in pain as he pawed at his constricted muscles while Steve fell to his knees beside Natasha who was already grabbing Bucky’s right leg and pulling it up as she began to kneed the tense knot of muscle along his calf. Steve followed her lead with Bucky’s other leg as Sam ran to the side room and gabbed a Gatorade and some ice packs with wraps and braces. He got back just as Bruce appeared with concern etched on his face. He quickly asked Sam to put the ice packs on Bucky’s calves and wrap them tightly, offering cool compression and elevation. Bucky was laying ridged on the ground, eyes squeezed tight and face locked in a grimace, grunting in pain through forced breaths, jaw locked and fists clenched, pulling on his hair.  
“Easy Sgt!...... We got ya!” Bruce spoke softly as he prepared a needle then injected both his thighs with the fast acting muscle relaxer. Natasha took both of Bucky’s legs, now wrapped with the gel ice packs and cradled them raised in her arms as Steve lifted Bucky’s sweat drench head onto his lap, wiping his hair back and running his hands through it as he, untagged Bucky’s tense grip.   
“Shhh,..... It’s okay,...... just breath.” Steve spoke softly as Bucky struggled to swallow down his whimpers of pain. Sam opened the Gatorade and Steve tilted Bucky’s head up, supporting his head and neck with one hand, the other hand resting on his rapid heart beat. “Bucky drink this,...... slow,...... it’s okay.....” Steve reassured as Sam careful pressed the bottle of Gatorade to Bucky’s parched lips. The Sergeant cracked his eyes open and through painful gasps of air he hastily drank the liquid, bringing his own hand up to hold the bottle. His entire body was shaking and the cold liquid sent a shiver through his over heated body.   
Banner was using a scanner to evaluate the damage and looked up at Steve with a sigh.   
“Get the shirt and glove off, his temperature is too high.” Bruce stated as he continued to run the scanner along his patient’s lower body. Bucky chugged the entire bottle and coughed as he finished, his arm dropping heavily. Steve pushed him to sit up and with Sam’s help they pulled the sweat soaked shirt from his torso and the glove. Bucky made a mild distressed noise of complaint as the cool air struck his pale, wet skin and he shivered violently. Steve scooted closer behind him and pulled his friends bare back against his own torso, Bucky’s head resting on his collar bone and shoulder. Steve wrapped him in his arms as he shivered, and Sam held his flesh hand with a reassuring grip.  
“Sergeant Barnes,..... Are you with us?....... Do you know where you are right now?” Sam spoke with a gentle, firm voice, his concerned eyes searching Bucky’s confused and pained expression. He looked around him with his half-mast eyes, then at Natasha, Bruce and Sam then down to the arms around him, rolling his head to an angel so he could pear up at Steve’s face. The Captain offered a sad smile beneath worried eyes and Bucky swallowed as he closed his eyes and wiped his sweaty face with his hand before letting out a quivered sigh, eyes downcast and words mumbled.  
“The gym,..... Avenger’s Tower.” Bucky winced as he stared down at his bandaged and elevated legs. “What idiotic thing did I do this time?” He grumbled in annoyance. Steve held him tighter and thumped him on the forehead.  
“Hey Bucky!” Steve chastised softly, admonishing his self-loathing tone.  
“You were jumping rope and put strain on your calf muscles.” Sam explained and Bucky raised an eyebrow in confusion.  
“Jarvis said you have been jumping for over two hours Sergeant, switching feet on rotations of three,..... even for a Super Soldier that will take a toll.” Banner spoke with patient and kind eyes as he glanced at Bucky and then his scanner. “And it looks like this has happened before,.......Like a lot of your muscles, there is significant scar tissue built up along your calves,....... You must have previously torn the muscles completely from the tendons in both legs.” Banner sighed, knowing how incredibly painful it must have felt. Bucky scrunched his face in thought with a deep frown, looking away, eyes searching the air for a memory. After only a moment his eyes grew and he swallowed with a shudder before looking down, expression dropping to a flat affect, mouth set in a hard line.  
“It was conditioning wasn’t it?....... An Endurance Test?” The Black Widow asked calmly and Bucky met her eyes with a deflated and resigned look, nodding as he shifted, pulling away from Steve and Sam as he leaned forward and ran his hand trough his hair, eyes closed as he sighed.  
“Ordered not to stop,.......Just kept jumping,........ felt them ripping,.... like a razor slicing up my legs but........” Bucky shook his head and swallowed with a bitter smile. “Hydra said jump,.... and I did...... Just like a well trained mutt!” His tone was full of self-hatred and he looked off to the side, not meeting their eyes. Steve rubbed his back gently as Banner turned off his scanner.  
“Well,...... For a normal man this injury would take several days to heal and I’d recommend some physical therapy, but in your case...... Rest, Ice and Elevation should do the trick, with some massage later on and by tomorrow you will be sore but up walking around.” Banner offered with a smile trying to lighten his mood. “And since you are going to be on bed rest anyway,..... If you would like, the skin grafts are ready and I could preform the plastic surgery on your neck,.... remove the Hydra Brand?” Banner suggested with out pressure. Bucky looked up at him with a thoughtful gaze, jaw locked and twitching as he contemplated the offer. After another moment he looked down and nodded.  
“They don’t own me....... Not anymore!” His voice was a harsh whisper, spoken more to himself then the others. Steve squeezed his shoulder and looked at him with concern.  
“Are you sure you are up for it Buck,..... it doesn’t have to be today.” Steve offered, hating to see his friend in pain.  
“Can’t move around anyhow......” Bucky gestured with frustration toward his lower legs. “Might as well get it over with,...... should have done it months ago……Just…… didn’t want to go under the knife!” Bucky grumbled and Banner nodded at Steve with a reassuring smile.  
“Okay,....... But first lets get you cleaned up,... I’ll be in the lab when you’re ready.” Banner offered and patted Bucky on his knee. Bucky swallowed and nodded. Begrudgingly, he excepted help from Steve and Sam as they supported him on their shoulders limping toward his bedroom, Natasha offering him a kiss on the cheek before he left.

............................................................................................................................................  
The surgery was quick, done with high-tech lasers and the cloned skin grafts. Afterward, Bruce decided to continue keeping Bucky on a sedative drip and placed a cellular regenerator over the healing stitches to accelerate the already enhanced healing process and reduce the scaring. Bucky was unconscious, laying face down, on the medical bed and Bruce took advantage of the time to instruct Steve how to massage the muscles and tendons of his bruised, swollen calves. The Captain stood next to Bruce in silence as he kneaded Bucky’s left leg and the Doctor worked on the right. After a long stretch of silence Bruce sighed and looked at Steve with a thoughtful expression.  
“None of this is your fault Steve,........ Or Bucky’s...... Your guilt compounds his own,........ it’s like the two of you wear the same skin and when one gets burned, the other feels the pain.” Bruce spoke with a gentle but firm voice as he started again to massage the constricted muscles of Bucky’s right calf.  
“Yea, it’s always been like that...... Ever since I can remember......... I just,..... I hate seeing him like this,.....I wish I knew how to help him deal with it,...... it’s like,.....the more he remembers and the more he hears what their saying,.... what the world thinks of him right now,.....The more he believes he deserves their hatred,.... Blames himself for not being able to fight back....... And then I think about...... “ He shook his head and grimaced, closing his eyes. “I think about what The Russian’s did to him,...... How they.....” He looked up at Bruce with grief and disgust. “It makes me feel sick inside!.... I can’t......” Steve sighed with frustration as he continued the massage, shaking his head with a distraught expression. Banner swallowed and looked away with a sigh then turned toward Steve, placing a hand on the Captain’s shoulder, demanding his full attention.  
“Steve,........ I need you to hear what I am about to say,.... and really listen to me.......” Banner paused fixing Steve with a serious look as the Captain watched him with confusion then nodded.   
“You are a mirror for him,......he tries to see himself through your eyes, someone who knows who he really was,....the man he desperately wants to be again..... When he looks at us,.... the other Avenger’s, we see him as he is now, with pity and sympathy for the best friend of Captain America, dealing with pain and humility…… When he interacts with the lawyers, he see’s their fear and discomfort as they watch his every move, staring at his metal arm, a piece of his body that he hates and despises..... a weapon of destruction that has caused death and pain. When he watch’s the news, looks outside the windows and see’s the protesters chanting Murderer,..... Terrorist....... All of this is the reflection of what he fears, of what Hydra forced him to become,......... and he hates himself for it,.......can’t stand the feel of his own skin....... And he will keep remembering,...... keep dreaming and reliving every heinous humiliation and torture they subjected him to…. The countless innocent lives he watched die in his own hands....... All of this is feeding into his depression Steve,..... into his self loathing, …his fear,…. his anxiety, …..anger,....... You are the only one who can keep him from drowning in it....... The way you look at him,...... the light of recognition, of understanding who he truly is,........” Bruce sighed and shook Steve’s shoulder gently.   
“You have to be strong enough to reflect that back to him,.... offer him that one reassurance that YOU really see him,.... You see James Buchanan Barnes,..... not what has been done to him or what he was forced to do” Banner sighed after his long rant and shook his head sadly.   
“But you are just too honest Steve,..... you show your thoughts, your own fears and uncertainty,...... your anger, guilt and your doubt that he can handle this,..... Your fear that he will crack under the pressure....... You are his biggest supporter and the steady constant in his chaotic life,..... You need to be able to remind him of his strength, keep him focused on his future, and assure him that his past is behind him,....... just ghosts that he may never be rid of, but he can move beyond, regain the man he thought was lost.” Banner paused as he watched Steve rub his neck and look down at Bucky with a pensive expression.  
“But with out your confidence and certainty that he can do this,..... he will continue to tread water in a sea of hopelessness,...... instead of swimming towards land.” Banner spoke with a thoughtful expression, and a heartfelt gaze. Steve swallowed as he looked at Banner, processing what was said. He nodded after a moment and looked down with a sigh and then back up with a twist of a smile.  
“Never knew you were so prolific Doc!” Steve chuckled as Banner smiled with a shrug.  
“I prefer to quietly observe, and besides,.... With Stark around, there is usually no need for me to make long winded speeches.” Banner grinned at Steve’s laugh before rewrapping Bucky’s legs with Ice packs.


	22. It's Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright my patient and lovely readers. I am finally gonna start tying up all those loose ends. Read and you will see what I am getting at. Much love as always and I hope you are still digging this tail of woe and heartache,…… but the end goal is recovery!

The next two weeks went by in a blur with constant legal strategy meetings, teleconferences with S.H.E.I.L.D, broadcast interviews and Board meetings where Tony and Pepper begged, pleaded and threatened their shareholder’s not to sell stocks. Through out the frantic hustle and flow of people in and out of the Tower, Bucky tired his best to keep his head down and stay out of the way. He saw his therapist everyday, took his medication, went over his testimony with Starks legal council, met with F.B.I and S.H.E.I.L.D agents answering questions and providing any intel he knew about Hydra bases, operations and double agents. He barley slept, hardly ate and generally looked like a nervous wreck, jittery and on edge. He had dark circles under his eyes and he either looked exhausted or wired or lost, having difficulty focusing. He continued to with drawl and Steve tried his best to be positive and treat him normally, soliciting a few attempted smiles and bits of conversation, but the stress was ever increasing and Bucky struggled to keep himself together.

It was around 2 pm and there was a team meeting with the legal council and S.H.E.I.L.D reviewing what the many doctors and Psychiatrist at the Secret agency had documented during his three day evaluation. Every one stood around the board room, drinking coffee and eating finger sandwiches waiting for Sergeant Barnes to be escorted by Captain Rogers through the door. Else where in the tower, Steve stood in Bucky’s room unsure where his friend had disappeared to.

“Jarvis,.... where is Sergeant Barnes.” Steve asked slowly and waited for a reply.

Sir,...... Sergeant Barnes has requested that I keep his current location undisclosed. 

Steve’s brow creased and his back went ridged.

“Why?...... Jarvis tell me where he is!” Steve’s voice took on an authoritative tone underlined with concern.

To answer why sir,..... I believe he is feeling overwhelmed and may be experiencing symptoms similar to a panic attack after a very difficult and restless night of sleep...... He is currently in a storage room closet on the 22nd floor.

Steve instantly was in movement walking briskly just as Tony’s voice and smiling face appeared on a screen panel to his left moving down the hall way wall as Steve walked.

“Cap,...... Waiting on you and Frosty the metal armed man.” Stark prodded, concern evident in his eyes but not his speech as behind him Steve could hear the voices of the other occupants in the room.

“He might not be up to this today Tony,....... Jarvis said he is hiding in a storage closet.” Steve offered a serious expression as Tony sat back with a sigh and nod.

“Right,...... We will start with out you two,...... I’ll make sure to fill you both in later.” Tony offered a solute and a sympathetic half smile then the screen vanished. Steve entered the elevator and then rubbed his temples as it descended to the 22nd floor. He thought about what Bruce had said, about being strong and reassuring Bucky that he was strong too. The past few weeks he had been trying to talk to his friend more casually and with jokes instead of mothering him and watching him with concern. It had worked slightly with Bucky offering occasional smiles or rolling his eyes. He had even convinced him to eat with the others for a family dinner a few nights out of the weeks.

The elevator opened and Steve again walked with long assertive strides through the hall pausing outside the room’s to listen for breathing. It was the third one on the right that he heard hushed mumbling and choked sobs. Steve sighed as he entered the room and the sound stopped immediately. The Captain walked over to the closet door and spoke with a soft but firm tone.

“Bucky,..... It’s me,....... Steve....... I am gonna open the door.” Steve swallowed as he twisted the knob and opened the door. Instantly he was aware of the smell of fear, sweat and tears mixed with the pungent odor of Jack Daniels. Steve sighed as he crouched down eye level with his friend who was curled in on him self rocking, knees pulled up, metal hand in his hair and his flesh one clinging to the empty bottle as his wide, wet eyes blinked at Steve.

“P....Please.... S.s.s.Stevie,....... P..P..Please don’t make me talk to any of ‘em..... Not right now,.... I...I can’t.......” His horse voice broke and he closed his eyes tight swallowing down a sob, his face twisted in pain and grief.

“Okay Buck,...... You don’t have to see anyone today,........ But you need to talk to me....... Tell me what’s going on........ I am here for you Pal,....... I know this has been hard on you but you are strong Bucky,........ And I can help you remember that,...... But only if you help me understand what you’re going through right now.” Steve spoke with a calm deliberate tone that offered comfort but also made it clear that Bucky could not shut him out or tell him to go away. Bucky opened his eyes, so full of pain and anxiety, searching Steve’s face as his body trembled.

“It’s...... something bad Steve,....... really,... really bad........I just,.......I can’t see it clearly,...... but I can feel it...... and it hurts so much,..... and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin........ I don’t want to remember,..... but it’s driving me insane,......like a tooth ache that makes my chest feel tight and my head throb.” Bucky groaned as he lowered his head and rocked harder. Steve swallowed again, feeling an uneasy knot form in his gut. He knew that the memory Bucky was referring to was likely the brutal violation forced upon the Winter Soldier by the Russian Handler and his Hydra team. It was their sick and twisted attempt to compromise his operational integrity and function as a weapon in order to sabotage the American Hydra branch.

Steve reached out to his friend and ignored the flinch and shudder as his hand landed on the back of Bucky’s head. He pulled him forward and Bucky did not resist, crumpling against the strength and security of his best friend and letting the empty bottle drop to the floor. Steve warped him in his arm as he settled on to the floor, Bucky curled up against his chest, shaking as he tried to stifle his sobs, eyes squeezed tight against his tears. Steve held him firmly, one hand massaging his friend’s sweaty hair. He looked up and spoke with a calm and even tone, keeping his own emotions in check.

“Jarvis,.... Play my music,..... The relaxing records.” Steve asked and instantly a soft melodic tune began to play, Coleman Hawkin’s, “Body and Soul,” drifted through the speaker system, crackling as old records did and Steve felt the instant calming effect of the familiar music. Bucky’s body heaved a heavy sigh and some of the tension lessened as he let out a small whimper, hot tears soaking into Steve’s shirt.

“I am such a mess Stevie,..........My head is so screwy,..... and I can’t figure out how to keep it together.........I’m all balled up and........I’m sorry,..... I am so God Damn sorry!” Bucky choked as his body trembled and he could not keep back the flood of tears that raked through him, pressing himself hard against Steve who just held on, offering physical comfort to his emotionally distressed friend.

“Nothing to apologize for Bucky,..... You have been trying so hard to deal with all of this,..... I am so proud of you and so amazed at how strong you are...... None of this has been easy Buck,..... what happened to you is worse then any of those T.V goons or the ignorant people out side protesting could ever imagine....... None of them could have made it this far,..... Could have broken through decades of conditioning and programing....... You saved my life Bucky,........ Just as you always have,....... and I want you to know how much that means,...... How hard you had to fight to get this far,..... to reclaim who you truly are,....... That stubborn Jerk form Brooklyn who had my back time and time again!..... You have always been in my corner Buck,.... Have always been there for me through thick and thin!” Steve shifted and used his hands to hold Bucky away from him so that he could meet his friend’s teary eyes. Using his thumb, he wiped Bucky’s salty cheek and smiled at him, softly and gently with love and determination.

“You are a good Man James Buchanan Barnes,..... Better then most...... I don’t care what the ideots out there wanna say,..... they have no idea about who you are and the hell you have lived through...... You survived Bucky!..... Against all odds,...... when everyone else had given up and Hydra was convinced that they were in control,..... you fought back,..... you grabbed on to a thread of memory and wouldn’t let go!...... You are stronger and braver then any man I know!........ And when you finally remember everything,..... every last God awful thing those heartless bastards put you through,....... I will be there with you,.... I will help you remember that nothing they did can take away who you really are!........ I am with you Pal,...... T’ill the end of the line!” Steve’s voice was strong and certain, speaking with unwavering devotion. Bucky blinked at Steve, his eyes searching his friends face as he swallowed and let out a quivering sigh and a nod before leaning forward and again pressing himself into his best friend’s sturdy embrace, his breathing evening out and the trembling calming as exhaustion took hold dragging him into sleep. Steve stroked his hair and hummed along to the music as he thought about the weeks ahead and how he could help Bucky stand tall and proud in the face of so much misguided hatred.

............................................................................................................................................

The next day was business as usual until that evening, when Bucky approached Steve and Tony who were going over the political briefings that had been held recently on Capital Hill concerning what federal charges would be leveled against Bucky and the potential sentencing if he was found guilty. James cleared his throat and the two men looked up at him with tired eyes, a soft smile on Steve’s face and cocked eyebrow from Stark.

“I,...... I know this isn’t a good time,..... With everything going on......... But,....... I need to see Rumlow.” Bucky spoke softly but with a serious tone, jaw locked and eyes pleading. Steve sighed and looked at Tony who rubbed his face.

“Well,..... James you are correct that this is definitely not a good time.” Stark sat back and through his hands up. “Why now?...... We are going to Trail in less then 30 days.....” Stark asked slightly exasperated. Bucky shifted and looked away, his hands fidgeting nervously before he looked back up at them with an uncertain tone.

“I don’t know why exactly,..... or what the questions are, but I know he has the answers.....” Bucky struggled to explain his disjointed reasoning, crossing his arms over his chest with a shake of his head, a perplexed expression fixed on his face as he looked off to the side. “The Winter Soldier trusted him,...... or at least,.......acknowledged him differently then the others....... Rumlow knows the Soldier, understands him,......probably better then I do........ and there is something that happened,..... something I can’t puzzle out.” He sighed with frustration as he rubbed his face and looked back up at Steve and Tony, his gaze worn and troubled. “it’s gnawing at my gut, and itching my mind,...... keeping me from focusing on the present,.... on the importance of this trial........ I need to figure out what.....” He struggled again to find his words. “I need to know what is so confusing………so terrible that my mind wont let me remember it....... Every time I try to figure it out,...... I just hear the Soldier’s voice telling me to find Rumlow,..... That Rumlow will know what’s wrong,.... That he can fix it.” Bucky swallowed as he frowned, eyes closed as he pinched the bridge of his noise before looking back up at the two men who wore pensive looks of concern.

“I hate these thoughts and feelings that I don’t understand,....... like a bitter taste in my mouth that I can’t get rid of.......I don’t know why I need to see Rumlow,....... but….. I just gotta,..... I need to figure this out before I go on Trial or it’s gonna keep messing with my head,....... driving me insane!” Bucky sighed as he rubbed the back of his unbranded neck, looking at Steve and Tony with a desperate expression.

There was a long pause as Steve and Tony shared a look of recognition and understanding. Steve had voiced to the others his concern that Bucky maybe on the verge of remembering what the sadistic Russian Handler had done to him and that he was afraid of what that horrible and degrading truth would do to his friend’s already shattered psyche. The response form his teammates was unanimous, he had to let him remember how ever it needed to happen and then help him cope with the trauma and treat him with dignity. Their advice was easier said then done and now Tony was sharing with him silent communication that he too was afraid for Bucky, uncertain if the truth once revealed would be the straw that broke his over burdened back.

“Common fellas!...... Talk to me,..... Please!” Bucky asked with a humorless chuckle, eyes shifting back and forth between the two men nervously, his fists locked at his side. Stark looked down at his hands then up at Steve, resting a reassuring hand on the Captain’s shoulder who hung his head in silence, not sure what to say to his life long best friend.

“Alright Barnes,...... I’ll make the call to Fury,..... see what arrangements can be made since you have that nifty ankle jewelry........ We will either get permission for you to go see him,...... or God forbid,..... bring his crispy, Hydra loving ass here for question and answer time.” Stark smirked at Bucky but his tone was tired and sad. Bucky let out a breath as he ran his hands through his hair with his own small smile of thanks and a nod. Then he walked closer and ruffled Steve’s hair, the Captain’s face in his hands.

“It’ll be fine Stevie,..... He can’t hurt me,....... He’s just a bed ridden Burn victim with Hydra secrets.” Bucky patted Steve on the back and Steve looked up at him with a tense smile and uncertain eyes as he nodded at his friend.

“Okay Buck,.... what ever you need!” Steve answered with a tone that sounded strained. Bucky studied him with a pensive look but then nodded and turned away, heading for the gym. 

Steve watched him go and then turned to Tony with a look of almost panic.

“Tony,..... tell him Fury said no,...... Tell him he has to wait until after the trial!” Steve pleaded and Stark sighed as he rubbed his goatee and shook his head.

“Cap,.... as much as I hate to think about the shit storm of emotional chaos this is going to create for our dear Sergeant Barnes,..... he has every right to know the truth,....... even the terrible, humiliating, twisted bits that we whish he could forget....... If what happened to him by those monsters is trapped inside his skull, burning to get out,...... he will never be able to move past it or deal with it until he is able to confront it head on..... For what ever reason, and I am guessing the very nature of that kind of trauma, he can’t remember it on his own,..... his subconscious mind,..... or even the part of his mind that is still the Winter Soldier, is keeping him from remembering it out right and instead is telling him to ask Rumlow.” Stark sighed as he stood up and looked out the window.

“You,... You think Rumlow will tell him,...... will he even know what Bucky is asking?....... Couldn’t I just tell him?” Steve sighed leaning back and feeling so weary his bones ached. Stark turned toward him with a thoughtful look.

“What they did to him,...... the way he is going to feel when he realizes....... the anger, the shame, the grief,..... let him hear it from an enemy,..... and be comforted afterwards by his friends.” Stark spoke with sympathetic eyes as Steve once more covered his face with his hands. They remained in contemplative silence, dreading what was to come next for the tormented Sergeant.


	23. Never Happened

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay kids, Shit gets real!!!!.....RATED M for reference to NON-CON. Bucky is about to learn just how demented and sadistic Hydra really was to their treasured Winter Soldier.

Arrangements had been made and permission granted for Bucky to leave the confines of the Avenger’s Tower for a total of three hours escorted by representatives from S.H.E.I.L.D as well as Captain Rogers and Natasha Romanoff. The other Avenger’s stayed back, whishing Bucky good luck and offering support to Steve, knowing that likely when they returned to the tower that evening Bucky would have one more agonizing trauma added to his immense list. The helicopter ride was reasonably short and Bucky remained silent and focused on his breathing, ignoring the impulsive thoughts and drastic emotions that raced through his mind as he grimaced and looked out at the city below. After a while he closed his eyes leaning back and swallowing, an anxious dread gripping his chest as he took a deep breath. He opened his eyes as he felt Natasha’s firm hand take his flesh one in her grip, a soft, comforting smile offering reassurance. He smiled back beneath pensive eyes then looked over at Steve who also offered him a tight-lipped smile and nod.

The base was similar to the one Bucky had been examined in, underground and in the middle of nowhere. He walked with tense steps wearing an expensive suite as he had explained to Steve that Rumlow had only ever seen him as the Winter Soldier and he wanted him to see him as a man. Natasha was on his right in her own business formal attire and Steve was in his uniform with Shield, ready in case he needed to be. They were following Maria Hill as she walked, an escort of armed guards behind them for security purposes. As they approached the infirmary, Director Fury stood outside the door, one eye fixed on the visitors. Bucky’s body tensed even more but his face remained blank and neutral, nodding in respect toward Fury as he waited, hands in fists at his sides.

“Cap, Widow, Sergeant Barnes,..... Welcome....... He has been prepped and is off his sedative. If you feel like he is avoiding your questions or is not being truthful....” Fury held up a syringe and handed it to Natasha. Bucky’s eyes were fixed on the needle, shoulders tensed and jaw locked. “Truth Serum has its virtues...... But so far, he’s been cooperative,.... I think he realizes that playing ball is his only option.” Fury shrugged then stepped aside. “You have an hour Sergeant,..... hope you get what you came for.” Fury nodded and then opened the door. Bucky swallowed and then turned toward Steve who had already stepped forward, placing a hand on his shoulder to stop his momentum.

“I need to go in there alone Steve.” He spoke with a gentle tone that was underlined in steal and after a heavy sigh, the Captain nodded, stepping back. Bucky smirked and let out a deep breath then turned and walked through the door, closing it behind him.

Rumlow was laying on the medical bed in a sitting position. He was in a hospital gown, and a long sleeve shirt that covered his scared arms and torso, blankets covering his legs. His hands were visible, pink and patch worked like his face, the skin tight and eyebrows patchy. He smirked and offered a gargled chuckle as Bucky stopped just inside the door, looking at him with wide eyes, blinking at the familiar yet disfigured face.

“Well look at you,........ all dressed up,... hair cut and styled,.......Just like a real man huh?......... No more orders,...... no more missions,........ no more wipes in the chair......... no more puking up all that cryo-freez sludge.” Rumlow laughed again as he saw Bucky shudder at the mention of the chair and the cryo tank. The Sergeant closed his eyes and swallowed then opened them with a hard and determined look. He took a few steps forward glancing around the room before pulling up a chair and taking a seat, gaze locked on Rumlow with questioning eyes and a bitter smirk

“Yea,...... life has gotten a lot better recently,........ not so sure If you can say the same though.” Bucky spoke with a snide, cutting tone, eyes bright and vivid as he watched Rumlow intently. Rumlow huffed a laugh again and shrugged as he too kept his gaze focused on the Sergeant.

“They have you talking and walking,..... acting like you ain’t a weapon,....... pretty impressive...... Heard you even managed to brake the conditioning, but I guess we should have seen that coming........ Sending you to take out Cap,.... that was the big mistake,...... even after all those wipes and whatever chemical cocktails they had pumping through that blank skull of yours,.......you still remembered him.......and now,... less then a year later and here you are,....remembering all kinds of things I bet!” Rumlow smirked as he looked his Asset up and down. Bucky remained focused on Rumlow, choosing his words carefully as he nodded.

“There’s a lot to remember,.......My name is Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes,..... I was born in Brooklyn New York in 1919,....... Had a Ma and Pa,..... a baby sister Rebecca,.....went dancing with dames and had a best friend named Steven Grant Rogers,...... a skinny little punk with more heart then anyone I ever met, who grew up to become Captain America.....” Bucky’s eyes burned intensely into Rumlow. “Hydra stole that away from me,....... took everything,........ and turned me into some obedient mutt,...... a trained killer with no concept of right or wrong,..... just orders, missions.......” Bucky shook his head as he looked away and then wiped his mouth before turning back to Rumlow.

“But I know who I am now,..... my question is,.... who are you?” Bucky leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees, eyes searching Rumlow’s face. The man looked at Barnes with a steady look then shrugged again.

“Just a Strike Team Captain,....... working as a double agent for Hydra....... One of the many people that worked with you,...... offered back up during your missions,......... helped with strategic planning.” Rumlow rasped out matter of factly with another shrug. Bucky watched him and then shook his head.

“No,..... you were more then that,.... or at least the Winter Soldier thought you were....... Why?...... Why dose he look to you,...... for what?” Bucky demanded, unsure how to put his thoughts down. Rumlow smirked again with a shake of his head.

“How should I know kid,........ nobody could tell what thoughts you had rattling around in that fried brain of yours!...... Most of the time you looked blank,........ Zoned out....... You were either engaged in your mission, fighting with everything you had or you were a statue,...... that’s how they programed you to operate,.... we just followed the user manual.” Rumlow mused with a snort. Bucky shifted again and shook his head, eyes narrowed.

“Yea,... I know all about their conditioning and programing,..... Watched the full 12 hours of that Hydra garbage,..... Saw you in there,.....” Bucky cut himself off, gripping the arms of the chair harshly. Rumlow whistled with a chuckle.

“Wow,...... Cap let you watch that Huh?..... Must’ve been a fucking head trip,..... watching yourself get unmade,....... turned into something useful and powerful instead of the pathetic waist you had been,..... Captain America’s little side kick.... crying because no one would come save him!” Rumlow laughed again as Bucky’s jaw twitched, eyes bright with anger as the chair arm splintered under his grip. 

Outside the room Steve and Natasha watched with Fury and Hill through the one way glass. Steve gritted his teeth, fists clenched as Natasha rest a hand on his shoulder.

Bucky took a few deep breaths then sat back, eyes still narrowed on Rumlow.

“It wasn’t easy watching it,..... but it made me realize how much work you Hydra goons put into keeping the Soldier under control...... They created him by trying to destroy me,...... they failed,...... because here I am,......” He paused as he regained his calm, tension still obvious in his posture. “And I don’t give a God Damn what you think of me Rumlow,..... I’m here because I want to know why the Soldier singled you out,..... why he thought of you as someone to go to for answers when I know damn well he wasn’t ever allowed to ask any questions.” Bucky’s tone was demanding and intense, eyes locked with Rumlow. The burned man looked at Bucky with a considering gaze then tilted his head.

“Maybe it’s because I knew how powerful you were,..... treated you with a bit more respect then some of the others,...... but I also didn’t fear you like a lot of the egg heads did...... And I didn’t feel the need to be cruel, dominate you and put you in your place the way Peirce and other big wigs did...... You hated them,..... I could see it in your eyes right before they wiped you and put you back on ice,...... you were just too well trained to defy orders,..... obedience to Hydra hammered into your head,...... but I knew, the way your eyes followed Peirce when he left the room, or the way you glanced at my former Strike Team Captain who use to direct every order with a baton in one hand...... You wanted to kill them,...... but,” He laughed. “...... you didn’t even know what is was to want...... Still,... I watched you,..... and you watched me,..... and we understood each other....... I never went out of my way to cause you pain,...... helped you when it was necessary......” Rumlow had been rambling his thoughts, looking distant.

“Like when the maggots got into his open wounds?” Bucky asked with a strained voice, his own gaze distant and off to the side as he had been listening to Rumlow explain his relationship with the Soldier. Rumlow looked at him with a thoughtful expression, somewhat surprised that he offered up a memory and finding it interesting that he referred to the Soldier as something separate from himself. He nodded after a bit, studying this man, a conscious person wearing the face of Hydra’s Asset.

“Yea,....., gave you water,...... patted you on the back,...... shit like that,......” He laughed gruffly. “Guess I figured if you ever did break free and went on a revenge killing spree maybe I wouldn’t be at the top of your list.” Rumlow smirked as he laid back on his pillow with a sigh. There was a long stretch of silence as Bucky thought about what was said and not said between them. After another moment he shifted again, his eyes locked with Rumlow and perhaps there was a moment of realness, a pleading in Bucky’s eyes that reminded Rumlow of the Soldier when he was facing punishment or was about to go back into the chair.

“Something happened,........ something that wasn’t documented,.......When he left Russia,....... and was sent here,....... it didn’t,....... go like it was suppose to,..... he was,......He had to be reconditioned and programmed,..... by Peirce and your Strike Team,..... why?” Bucky finally put his question into words, eyes searching Rumlow for the answers. The honesty and desperateness of the question actually caught Rumlow off guard and he blinked with a grunt before looking away with a deep sigh then a bark of a laugh.

“You Fucking kidding me with this shit?,...... Of all the things you wanna talk about!” Rumlow grumbled with an annoyed grunt. He turned back to Bucky and fixed him with an intent stare, sizing up the former Asset. “What do you remember?” He asked with a guarded tone. Bucky frowned and swallowed as he ran a hand through his hair.

“I remember,....... He was confused, ........and........ He had been punished,..... but didn’t know why,...... and they didn’t wipe him,.......... He was panicking,......... scared but,...... it had been so long since he had feelings,........ they wanted him to break,...... wanted the programing and conditioning to snap,....... But,....... I don’t know how or why.......” Bucky swallowed shaking his head in obvious distress, rubbing his temples. Rumlow watched him and a look of sympathy shown briefly in his eyes before he turned away with a snort.

“Well,.... yer right about that........ The Russian’s didn’t want to loose their prized Asset, the collapse of the Soviet Union meant the power was shifting,......... giving you up was admitting defeat....... So when they sent you to America,.... they made sure to mess up your head so when you woke up you’d be erratic and dysfunctional, maybe take out Peirce and they could clam you couldn’t be controlled by us,..... get you back,......” He sighed and shrugged. “ Or maybe they were just fucked up in the head and wanted to send you over all screwed up as a big Fuck You to the America Branch of Hydra,..... don’t know really,...... wasn’t my job to know.” Rumlow answered with out giving the details he knew Bucky was looking for.

“What did they do to him?..... What made him..... erratic.....dysfunctional?” Bucky asked with a bitter grimace at the words Rumlow had used to describe the Soldier. Rumlow looked at him with a steady, calculating look, then asked with a sincere and serious tone.

“You sure you wanna know Barnes?......Cuze it sure as shit aint gonna help you feel like a man.” Rumlow was honest, knowing that beyond all of the other tortures and indignities suffered at the hands of Hydra, this was something far worse. He thought back to the confused and desperately frightened Winter Soldier all those years ago when he had first met Hydra’s weapon, compromised by an unspeakable act of savage degradation and unable to understand or explain what had been done to him. Bucky’s entire body was locked with ridged tension, brow covered in sweat as he swallowed again and nodded, eyes intently focused on Rumlow who looked away with a harsh laugh.

“Christ almighty!..... Never in a million years did I think I would one day have to explain this shit to you,..... tell you what they did....... Peirce had you wiped and reconditioned again and again,.......until you were just blank and willing to do what ever....... That must have been how you were before,....... with the Russian’s....... and they used that,...... used your obedience,.... your inability to say no,......to resist your superiors...... They took full advantage,......” Rumlow looked at Bucky in his eyes and sighed with a shrug. “They used you in a way Zola had never intended,.......Got their rocks off by tearing you up like a cheep whore,..... and then sent you to us with a head full of shit you didn’t understand, .... couldn’t understand.” Rumlow spoke with a casual tone but his mouth twitch with a slight sympathetic grimace. 

Bucky sat up strait with a look of disbelief and confusion, mouth opening and eyes growing wide.

“What,....... What are you talking about?.....What do you mean....” Bucky was shaking his head as he gripped the chair again.

“Oh for Fuck’s sake!....... They treated you like a prison bitch,..... took turns pounding your guts like a fucking sex doll,...... like a piece of ass trained to comply with their order’s,...... conditioned not to fight back and accept what ever pain they dished out!...... That’s what they did,.... how they screwed with your head!” Rumlow barked with frustration, clearly displeased with the topic of conversation and refusing to meet Bucky’s wide eyes.

“No..... No...... your lying....... Why would,..... they wouldn’t do that,..... I WOULD NEVER LET THEM DO THAT!” Bucky’s tone went from shaking denial to adamant refusal, standing up as he shouted in anger.

“Yea well,... maybe you wouldn’t Sergeant,..... But the Soldier wasn’t much for refusing his Handler’s” Rumlow sighed as he looked away. Bucky’s face was white as he shook his head in horror and anger and disgust. He felt panic welling up inside as images flashed before his eyes, and he fought against the truth, the reality too nauseating to accept.

“NO!....... TELL ME THE TRUTH!....... THAT NEVER HAPPENED!..... YOUR A SICK TWISTED FUCK!” Bucky was on Rumlow in the blink of an eye, both hands gripping him by the hospital gown as he throttled him violently against the bed shouting in anger and desperate denial.

The door flew open and Steve was there with Natasha, armed guards behind them in the hall way.

“Bucky Stop!” The Captain lunged forward and grabbed his friend pulling him away as he screamed and fought desperately, calling Rumlow a liar, denying the heinous truth. Natasha looked at Rumlow with a cold, callous look as he struggled to breath from being shaken.

“He … shouldn’t’ve…. asked!” Rumlow sputtered between gasps of air. Natasha looked down at him with a sneer and then turned away heading out to the hall as she selected a different Syringe, one Bruce had given her full of sedative. Steve was pinned against the wall, one hand outstretched, palm up to stop the armed S.H.I.E.L.D guards from advancing, Hill and Fury near by watching on full alert. Bucky had both fists clenched tightly in Steve’s uniform as he shoved him hard against the wall, breathing frantic as he repeated himself over and over again.

“It never happened,..... That’s not what happened Steve...... I would never let that happen!.....It didn’t happen,..... it didn’t..... I swear to God Stevie It didn’t happen!” His eyes were wide and frantic as he shook his head desperately. Steve had his other hand locked on Bucky’s shoulder with a look of sympathy in his eyes. 

Bucky growled at his expression and slammed him hard again. “Tell me it didn’t happen!....... Tell me you know he’s lying!...... I would never...... I would rather die!..... Tell me Steve,.... TELL ME!” Bucky snarled in anger and grief and desperate denial as he searched his friend’s face, a man who was honest above all else. 

“Bucky.....” Steve’s voice broke. Bucky growled and slammed him again and then punched the wall beside Steve’s head putting a large dent in the metal. The armed guards shifted and unlocked their safeties.

“TELL ME STEVE!....... TELL ME IT NEVER HAPPENED!” Bucky’s voice was a torrent of emotion, volatile and full of pain and raw anger. Steve swallowed, his sorrowful eyes meeting Bucky’s as he sighed, speaking with a shaking soft voice.

“Okay Bucky,..... it never happened,....... because it wasn’t you Buck...... It wasn’t you.” Steve’s voice was full of remorse and sympathy for his friend who gasped with wide panicked eyes, letting go as he covered his mouth and stepped back shaking his head in disbelief.

“No,.... no,..... oh God,..... no,no.nonononono!” Bucky crumpled to the ground, metal fist pounding the tiles of the floor as his flesh hand gripped his hair. “Aghhhhhhh!...... God No!....... Please,.......No!” He cried out in anguish and despair, as he curled in on himself. Natasha stepped forward and quickly injected the Syringe into his neck. He looked up at her with wet, pain filled eyes as he shook his head in desperate refusal.

“Never happened,...... I swear Nat,..... never.....” He choked a sob as his eyes fluttered close and she held him as he collapsed limply in her arms. She looked up as Steve crouched down with a heartfelt sigh reaching out to lift his unconscious friend, cradling him in his arms as he stared down with grief and remorse for the tremendous pain the realization brought.

“I’m sorry Cap.” Fury sighed as Natasha stood up resting a hand on Steve shoulder. He nodded but didn’t look up as he turned and headed down the hall, carrying his best friend away from the crowd of S.H.E.I.L.D agents.

“Yea,..... me too.” Steve muttered his response, eyes staring strait ahead, blinking back tears he refused to let fall as Natasha followed him out. He had to be strong now and he had to help Bucky feel strong too.


	24. Hydra Filth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is hit with the terrible reality of what happened and is still in shock after remembering the traumatic repressed memory! Steve is there to help!

Bucky lay in his bed struggling against the invisible hands that held him.

He smelled the stench of sweat and bodily fluids, the taste of his own blood and other men’s flesh in his mouth and felt the searing pain and burn of his body being torn apart. He screamed yet there was no sound from him, he was compliant, lifeless against the brutal assault, accepting this horrific punishment for a reason he did not know. Bucky was both watching himself and part of the horror, silently begging himself to fight back, to do something, anything to end this unbearable humiliation. The pain was too vivid and real, his sense of hopeless confusion and anxiety was shredding his programing and conditioning. He needed it to end, he needed the pain to stop. With a guttural cry he began to thrash out, his fists colliding with the flesh and bone of his tormentors, desperate to free himself from this misery.

It took a solid strike, throwing him crashing against his bed room wall for Bucky to wake up, eyes wide with panic as he cried out in Russian, crouching in a fight or flight stance. He looked around in confusion for his captors but saw only one man, breathing heavily as he picked himself up off the floor and wiped at his bloody noise. Bucky blinked rapidly as recognition took hold and he saw Steve standing across from him by the door way, shirt ripped and face bloodied and bruised as he watched Bucky with practiced calm and sad but understanding eyes.

“S..ss..Steve?” Bucky trembled as he fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around his torso with a shattered sob, the reality of the dream settling heavily on his shoulders as he shook violently.

“Bucky,.... I got you!...... Your safe!.......They can’t hurt you anymore!” Steve reassured with a soft but firm tone as he closed distance, kneeling down in front of his friend but not reaching out, aware of what he had most likely been dreaming about and knowing that touch might not be comforting at the moment. Bucky sobbed and then grabbed his stomach and wrenched.

“Gonna be sick!” He sputtered between harsh gasps for air. Steve helped him up, guiding him to the toilet as he sat next to his friend and gently rubbed his back as Bucky vomited between sobs and anguished cries. It lasted for a long stretch before he finally pulled away, hiding his face from his friend, overwhelmed by shame and humility. Steve watched his friend shiver with the effort of suppressing his tears and sighed heavily. 

The Captain stood up and turned on the shower then grabbed some mouth wash. He crouched down and handed it to Bucky who accepted it with a muttered ‘thanks’ but would not meet his eyes, taking a swig and swishing before he spit it into the toilet. Steve watched him for a moment and swallowed down his own heart ach as he realized Bucky would not or could not meet his eyes.

“Go ahead and take a shower Buck,...... I’m gonna change the sheets in your bed.........It will feel good to get your self clean.” Steve promised, reaching out to stroke Bucky’s sweaty hair. He stopped when Bucky flinched away with a half swallowed whimper, his eyes squeezed shut and face cast down, arms wrapped around him. Steve swallowed and got up, leaving Bucky alone and giving him privacy. He didn’t want him to feel ashamed or embarrassed about the dream or the fact that he had urinated in the bed. He was determined to spare Bucky from the humility of his body’s reaction to such a traumatizing memory and he knew with out a doubt that his friend would need some time to process what had happened to him, to accept it and move on.

Steve grabbed up all the sheets and blankets, throwing them in the hamper and then used a cleaning spray on the mattress. He took the soiled sheets to the laundry room where to his surprise, he found Clint laying on top of four industrial dryers that were all going at the same time. The Archer opened his eyes as he met Steve’s supersized stare with a somewhat disgruntled sigh before sitting up.

“Hey Cap,...... doing laundry in the middle of the night?” Clint asked with a tilt of his head. Steve swallowed as he looked down at the sweat and urine soaked sheets.

“Yea,.......” He trailed off not wanting to explain what had happened.

“Guessing by the bloody noise and busted lip that Barnes had one hell of a nightmare,...... Those his sheets?” Clint asked with a sympathetic nod. Steve swallowed and nodded as he looked away toward the washer’s, selecting one and placing the bedding inside. Once he loaded the washer he turned back around and saw that Clint was again laying across the dryer’s his legs crossed and hands resting over his chest. Steve walked up to him with a curious expression. He stopped a few feet away. Before he could ask what Barton was doing he was answered, the prone man sighing before he spoke.

“It’s soothing,....... warm,..... the vibration keeps me grounded and the noise drowns out the voice,..... Loki’s voice.” He opened one eye and looked at Steve who studied him for a long moment. Barton closed his eyes again and shrugged remaining relaxed on the dryer’s.

“It’s never completely gone away,..... like a shadow that lingers behind me,..... an echo that I feel more then hear but sometimes,...... when I wake up forgetting that I am free of him,.... I can still hear his little slithering voice in my head,..... Convincing me that I need his control....... And the worse part,........ is my first reaction,...... the feeling of loss,.... the security of having him call the shots and direct my movements...... And that’s what pisses me off the most,...... because I have NEVER needed anyone telling me what to do,..... and yet,… he makes you want it,..... like you never knew you needed it and can feel the loss now that it’s gone.” Barton’s voice was a harsh, bitter tone full of resentment.

“I’m sorry Clint,..... I had no idea you were dealing with that!” Steve said genuinely. The archer shrugged eyes still closed. “I wonder if Bucky ever feels like that.” Steve said hollowly. Barton sighed and nodded.

“He does sometimes,...... when he feels out of control,..... his mind in chaos......When he gets like that,....... all angsty and pushing you away,..... That’s when he needs you the most Steve....... Needs you to tell him what to do,...... how to calm down and control himself because he is scared and lost and doesn’t know how to get through the pain.” Clint swallowed and opened his eyes rolling his head to the side as he met Steve’s pensive expression. “Nat filled me in about what went down with Rumlow.......Ain’t gonna be easy Cap,..... But as long as you keep him in check,..... make sure he knows that you don’t see him any differently,..... that he is still every bit the man you respect..... He’ll come around.” Barton offered with a sigh and Steve nodded with a sad smile before he left, sparing one last glance at Barton who was dealing with his own loss of control and the after effects of brainwashing.

............................................................................................................................................

Bucky was curled up in a ball under the shower spray, breathing harshly as the fragmented images of his nightmare replayed over and over, causing his stomach to clench again. He was lost in the memory, in the agonizing brutality and vivid pain that gripped his body. His eyes were wide and dilated as he shook, unable to do more then tremble under the down pour of water that mixed with his tears. His body hurt, as if it had really just happened, as if he had only just been transported from the degrading violation into the shower where he was trying desperately to get clean, his skin crawling with the feeling of phantom hands. He clutched the wash cloth and soap as he once more began scrubbing him self, rubbing harder and harder as his skin refused to get clean, the feeling of their filth still covering him, invading his senses. 

His skin was red from the heat of the water and the rigorous scrubbing when Steve pulled back the shower curtain after calling his name several times with no response. The Captain let out a coked breath as he saw Bucky, harshly scrubbing himself, skin pink and becoming raw in some areas. Quickly with calm urgency Steve turned off the water and crouched down grabbing his friend’s hand and the washcloth to still the motion. Bucky looked up at him with dilated eyes, heart rate rapid and breathing shallow.

“it’s enough Bucky.” Steve spoke with a gentle authority and was answered with a frantic shake of his head.

“No...... nonono,...... not clean,....... I can feel them,..... I can smell them on me,......Hydra filth,......have to get it off!” Bucky struggled to continue his harsh scrubbing but Steve wrestled the cloth from his hands and then placed a hand on each side of his friend’s face. He searched his Bucky’s frantic expression, blue eyes lost in panic and desperation.

“Your clean Bucky,........It was only a dream,...... a nightmare of a memory from another life....... That wasn’t you,....... Your safe,..... Your clean,…. and no one can hurt you here,” Steve promised and Bucky swallowed as he looked away with confused uncertainty.

“I ...... I didn’t want to.......” Bucky’s voice broke as he began to tremble again, eyes unfocused as he shook. “He didn’t know what they where doing to him,.......I wanted him to fight back,....... he couldn’t hear me,....... he let them do it.” Bucky choked as he gasped for air, fresh tears flooding his eyes. Steve held Bucky’ s hand as he let out a sob. “He didn’t understand what they were doing to him,...... why he was being punished........ It hurt so badly,...... Made him feel so confused.” Bucky sobbed as he shook his head, metal hand covering his face hidden in shame. Steve used his free hand to run through his friend’s short wet hair.

“It wasn’t your fault or his Bucky!...... There was nothing you could do........But it’s over now,..... He killed that Handler,.......You helped him fight back, and saved Natasha at the same time....... You got your revenge and so did he....... You broke his conditioning and showed Hydra they can’t control you anymore!....... You took back the power!...... You are stronger then what they have done to you Bucky. You are a man who has survived hell on earth and gets a second chance to live again!” Steve was speaking with righteous conviction, desperate to help Bucky recognize that he was his own savior. He stroked his friend’s hair for a few minutes more before standing up and grabbing a towel, He dried Bucky’s hair then pulled him to his feet and wrapped it around his waste. Bucky had stopped crying, his eyes half mast and glazed over, deep in thought as he stumbled through the bathroom and into his bed room. He stood numbly, unfocused and lost in thought as Steve watched him for a moment and recognized that he was checked out. With a swallow Steve took Clint’s advice and took control of the situation, he picked out Pajama’s, helped Bucky dress and then lead him back to his own bedroom, Bucky’s mattress still wet. He guided him into the bed and then asked with a gentle directness, using his hand to cup Bucky’s face and drawl his attention.

“Do you want to sleep alone tonight or with me?........ You decide.” Steve asked with searching eyes. Bucky glanced at Steve then away with a swallow, brow creasing. After a long moment he opened his mouth, eyes not meeting Steve’s.

“How can you stand to be near me?” Bucky’s voice was a bitter mumble and it pierced Steve’s heart. He sighed and gripped Bucky’s jaw a little forcefully, drawing the lost gaze to his own.

“You listen to me James Buchanan Barnes!....... You are still every bit the man I have always known you to be!...... Nothing that Hydra did or made you do can change who you really are!....... I know this is hard and you feel sick about what happened,..... but you will always have my deepest respect and admiration...... Don’t you dare give in to self hatred Bucky,..... You are better then that!...... Do you understand me Sergeant?” Steve’s voice demanded a response and after a short pause, the former assassin nodded and swallowed then spoke with a shaky voice sounding impossibly young.

“You can stay with me?” He looked almost frightened and the shame was still present but Steve just smiled and nodded. He stood up and crawled into the bed, pulling the cover’s up around them both. After a moment Bucky tuned toward him, resting his forehead to Steve’s chest just as he had done when in the fragile and confused mindset of the Winter Soldier. Steve stroked his hair and sighed as he whispered his reassurances.

“it will all get better Bucky,..... you’ll see,......it won’t be this hard forever,......And you will never have to face it alone!....... I promise pal!” Steve spoke as he closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.


	25. Facing devastation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off sooooo sorry for the wait on updating! Been kinda crazy busy! And thank you so much all of you for reviewing! I know that his pain is heartbreaking but you need the hurt for the comfort! Also I do the … thing when I am indicating their in a pause in speech. Anyway we are in the home stretch, The Trail begins!!!

Each day leading up to the trail was a struggle for Sargent James Buchanan Barnes. His nights were tormented even with increased medication and his days were focused on meditation, coping skills and trying to focus on whatever Stark’s lawyers were going over with him. He took out his frustration and anger in the gym, his sorrow and shame he hid alone in the shower and his depression he willfully overcame each day, fighting himself just to get out of bed in the morning. It was emotionally and mentally exhausting and each Avenger tried to lend him support in what ever ways they could. Sam insisted that he needed to balance the hard and anxiety provoking daily challenges with easy, relaxing and fun.   
Bruce made sure that after meditation they played chest, Natasha continued couching him in yoga and Clint snuck him up on the roof to smoke cigarettes or goaded him into a game of pool or darts. He spent his sleepless hours finishing up his motorcycle with Tony, a classic model with some amazing tech that Stark had added, mentioning that after the trial when the boys took off on their road trip he wanted to make sure they had transportation that would be ready for anything. Bucky had nodded and smiled at Stark’s comment despite his uncertainty that he would be acquitted of the charges and even then, aware of the possibility that he would be extradited to another country to answer for crimes abroad.

Sam kept his time with Bucky light and easy, joining in on games with Clint or watching movies and sports with Steve. When they where alone together Sam mostly talked about himself, his experiences in combat and offered a friendly ear when Bucky decided to chime in or relate to what he was saying. Sam knew that Bucky was dealing with the hard, emotional stuff in daily sessions with his psychiatrist and so, he stepped away from his role as a councilor except when Bucky had a flash back or panic attack, still a common occurrence. 

In contrast, with Steve, Sam had became more of a counselor, helping the Captain deal with his own fears and anxieties, giving advice and offering support, explaining how to help Bucky with out being too over protective. Sam knew that Bucky had to feel strong and independent if he was ever going to fully regain his sense of dignity and self worth and so he warned Steve about trying to do too much for Bucky instead of encouraging him to take charge of his own life.

Steve listened to Sam, and Bruce, Natasha, Clint and even Tony, who all had been aiding him in the difficult and emotionally draining process of helping Bucky recover and regain his sense of self confidence and determination. Even Pepper. who was taking on most of the public brunt and handling the PR with media, offered him kind words of strength and reassurance, keeping him from falling into his own bout of depression. Yet of all his friends who offered him guidance and support, nothing they said or did was quiet as inspirational as watching his best friend greet each day with stubborn determination and sheer will power, overcoming the painfully debilitating reality of his past and the anxiety and uncertainty of his future by trying his best to focus on the here and now. Each day was a challenge, but he made sure Bucky knew that he was never alone.

............................................................................................................................................

Bucky stood looking at himself in the mirror of the large sweet he and Steve were staying in at one of Stark’s many luxury condo properties in Washington D.C. This particular building had four floors and two bed rooms in each sweet, perfectly suited to house the temporarily displaced member’s of The Avengers who were all going to be testifying on Sargent Barnes’ behalf. Bucky gazed blankly at his reflection, eyes drifting over the expensive tailored suite that masked his metal arm and patch work of scares left behind by Hydra. He swallowed as he took a calming breath before again meeting his own eyes in the mirror. He heard a knock at the door followed by Steve’s voice.

“Bucky?” There was a pause and then the door opened and Steve stepped into the room, dressed in his own suite and tie. Bucky did not turn away from the mirror but looked at Steve in the reflection. His friend offered him a small smile and nod.

“It’s time Buck,.......You ready?” Steve asked with a gentle question taking a few more steps. Bucky’s brow crumpled as he looked down at his polished shoes and then turned and faced his best friend. He offered a sad chuckle and shake of his head.

“What if I said no,...... would that mean we wouldn’t have to go through with this?” Bucky joked but the fear and nervousness was obvious in his eyes and the slight tremble of his voice. Steve sighed and walked up to his friend gripping him in a firm hug,

“You got this Buck,...... I know you do!” Steve stepped back resting his hands on his friend’s shoulders and smiled as Bucky nodded and swallowed, looking away. “We are all gonna be there with you in the court room,..... all you have to do is be honest and tell them the truth.” Steve spoke with a calm, clear voice.

“The truth huh?” Bucky smirked as his jaw locked and he looked out the window avoiding Steve’s eyes.

“It will be okay Buck,..... it’s all going to work out.” Steve insisted as he used one hand on Bucky’s back to guide him toward the door way, the others waiting at the front.

As they reached the main entrance, Bucky swallowed as he could hear the chanting from the angry mob outside and could see the sign’s calling him a murder. Stark was on the Phone and so was Pepper, arranging for a car to come around to the back and ensuring a police escort would be present at the court house. Bruce was shaking his head and Clint stood next to him arms crossed and grumbling. Bucky’s body was tense and Steve squeezed his shoulder as Natasha and Sam came up to them, comforting smiles and reassurance on their faces.

“Hey,.... don’t look at that,... come here!” Natasha grabbed Bucky and turned him around so he wasn’t facing the glass door way and windows. She smiled at him as she adjusted his tie and touched his hair with a soft smile. He met her eyes with a nervous sigh and uncertainty in his blue gaze.

“Looking sharp man,..... Dressed to impress!” Sam smiled as he patted Bucky on the back. The Sargent offered a weak smile and his eyes darted again toward the front windows as the sound of a thrown brick banged loudly against the thick glass pain.

“And that is why we put in bullet proof glass!...... Common kids,... Limo’s around back and Happy is not too Happy about being used as a decoy!” Tony sighed as suddenly there was a sound of yelling as a car pulled up to the front and the crowd gathered around it with their signs. The Avenger’s followed Tony and Pepper around the lower level and out a service entrance were a white stretched limo pulled up with Swedish flags. The driver stepped out and opened the door nodding as the assembled Avengers stepped in. As they took their seats and the doors locked Sam was the first one to ask.

“A White limo with Swedish flags?” The Falcon opened his palms in a question.

“Called in a few favors,....... it’s a diplomat’s car,...... each day we will be in a different one so the media hounds and angry pedestrians cant track us down and ruin an other wise lovely day!” Stark smiled as he opened a bottle of Scotch, eyebrow cocked.

“Tony!...... It is 8:30 in the morning!” Pepper admonished.

“It’ s a healthy way to start your day Ms. Potts,.... Ah, see Barton agrees!” Tony winked as Clint nodded accepting a glass. The others smirked and rolled their eyes except for Steve who had a hand on Bucky’s shoulder as his friend pressed his forehead against the glass window and swallowed. 

“How long is this Trial gonna last?” Bucky asked with a horse whisper and Steve rubbed his back.

“It depends Sargent,..... but we have a very good legal team and they have already been working for months on your case..... Plus your cooperation with S.H.E.I.L.D and the F.B.I shows that you have been working with the authorities against Hydra.......That and the documentation, character witnesses, psychological assessments and medical evidence,...... Should make this a fairly simple case.” Pepper offered and Bucky swallowed and nodded, his anxiety still palatable.

............................................................................................................................................

Outside the federal courthouse building, more protestors were assembled with signs that voiced their condemnation against Hydra and the Winter Soldier. There were hateful words and slogans demanding he be executed. Other signs called him a cyborg freak and a robot Assassin. But the worse were the signs that had enlarged photos of Sargent Barnes from the 1940’s with red X’s drawn over the word Hero and the Hydra symbol pained over his eyes. Bucky let out a deflated breath when he saw the hateful signs, turning away from the window with a grimace as Steve rubbed his back and Bruce reminded him to breath.

“There just ignorant, clueless fools Barnes,..... They have no idea what their talking about!” Natasha voiced as they past by the entrance and went around a side street then to the back of the court house were a large group of federal marshals awaited with S,H,E.I.L.D security as back up.

“Well at least the News crews and protestors don’t know we are using the back door.” Clint sighed as the Swedish diplomatic limo pulled up to a stop.

“Yea,.... I wonder how long until that gets leaked!” Natasha muttered and Bruce nodded his agreement that their secrecy and privacy would not last long.

The Avengers hurried inside and up to the Court room were with one final breathing exercise lead by Bruce and encouraged by Sam, Bucky steadied himself to enter.

............................................................................................................................................

The first day of the trial was long and arduous with Stark’s lawyers and the US Attorney making their opening arguments. Bucky remained still in his seat, occasionally stealing glances at the jury who all viewed him with fear and intrigue, none of them meeting his eyes, glancing away nervously each time he looked. He swallowed and dropped his gaze to the wood desk in front of him instead, listening to the lawyers talk about him, about Hydra, the lives he helped destroy and his own personal suffering. He remained motionless and when it was all said and done he still didn’t move until he felt Steve’s hand on his shoulder as the Captain leaned over and whispered to him that it was time to leave.

The next day was grueling and proved emotionally devastating for the Sargent who listened as the Prosecution called up eye witnesses from his attacks in D.C. The multiple men and women who took the stand described in vivid detail their fear and terror as they watched the Winter Soldier use an assortment of high tech weaponry to unleash a rain of violence upon an unsuspected populous. They called him a heartless monster and a killing machine, their statements objected by Stark’s lawyers and stricken from the record, the Jury instructed to disregard the slanderous terms but the damage was already done. 

The defense cross examined each witness, asking if the Soldier was shooting people at random or jest his specific targets, if he was alone or accompanied by a Strike team and if he seemed aware of the other civilians or if he was only focused on one objective. The last question was objected as leading and sustained, each time the Attorney cleverly rephrasing it to get his point across that the Winter Soldier was not killing arbitrarily or for enjoyment or satisfaction, but simply responding to commands, completing the missions he was assigned. 

That night Bucky hadn’t been able to sleep and begrudgingly accepted the company of Clint, Natasha and Tony as they shared a bottle of Whiskey while playing poker until the sun came up. Steve and Pepper had chastised the others who rolled their eyes while they drank espresso, all of them use to functioning on little sleep. Bucky was quiet and on edge on the way to the court house in the borrowed Italian diplomatic vehicle and when they pulled up behind the court house there was a growing crowd of Protestors and News vans that had been informed of their secret entrance. Bucky swallowed as he covered his face in his hands and Steve wrapped an arm protectively around him.

“Shit,..... looks like our stealth entrance is no more...... Common Kids,.... lets make a run for it,..... Barnes, hold this coat over your head, eyes strait ahead!” Stark handed Bucky his overcoat and Bucky nodded numbly.

“I will lead in the front, Bucky right behind me, Widow and Hawkeye guard his sides, Falcon and Dr. Banner cover his back, Ironman,...... You protect Ms. Potts!” Steve switched into command mode and Stark rolled his eyes.

“Yea,... Thanks Cap,... like I was gonna through her to the wolfs!... And should you be calling me by code name when I am not in the suite?..... Just saying!” Tony grumbled. Steve opened the door and they rushed out and up the stairs as the Federal Marshals held back the crowds of angry people and the reporters who were tripping over each other with cameras and microphones waved at the Avengers. There were so many voices screaming and demanding attention as Bucky focused strait ahead, following Steve but unable to drown out the screams that assaulted his amplified hearing.

“Sargent Barnes are you responsible for over two dozen assassinations?”

“You are a monster!..... You Fucking Murdering Son of a...”

“James are you still the Winter Soldier?”

“A lot of good people died because of you!”

“Mr. Barnes why have you turned against Hydra now after working for them for so long?”

“You are a terrorist you metal armed Freak!”

“Sergeant how many people have you killed for Hydra?”

“How can you live with your self you scumbag!”

“Are you really James Barnes or are you a Hydra clone?”

“I hope you rot in hell you commie bastard!”

“Sergeant.....”

“.....Burn for what you did!

“James......”

“....You deserve the chair!...”

Bucky gasped for air as he slammed himself against the wall inside the court house, his chest tightened, eyes wide and frantic, as he brought his hands up to cover his ears from the roar of voices just outside the door. Steve was by his side as was Sam when his knees gave way and he fell trembling to the ground, eyes wide but unfocused as he chocked for air.

“Breath Bucky,..... Focus on my voice,....... in through your noise and out through your mouth!” Sam couched him as Bucky wheezed through restricted lungs and a pained look of panic on his face. Steve’s arm was around him protectively then suddenly his eyes shot up from Bucky toward two security guards who were smirking, one with his phone pointed toward them. Before he could say a word, Natasha was there with a well-placed kick, knocking the phone into the air and sending it flying over to Hawkeye who tossed it to Stark. The tech genius glared at the guards as his fingers expertly erased the video and all the memory from the phone completely as Pepper marched over in her stiletto heels and began yelling at the men with promises that they were fired by mid day. Banner stood blocking Bucky from any other spectators that were in the hall way as Steve continued holding onto his friend who was slowly able to breath. 

The ordeal lasted for several minutes more with Pepper and Tony exchanging words with the head of security and the two officer’s forced to hand over their badges and guns. When Bucky finally came back to himself he looked exhausted and his hair was a mess. Steve and Natasha escorted him to the restroom so she could help him straiten up while Stark explained to his lawyer why they were running late. 

Once in the court room, Bucky took his seat and kept his eyes locked on the wood desk as the prosecution began the day by presenting the various weapons recovered from both public attacks as well as bullets from Director Fury’s attempted Assassination and the gun that it belong to. The prosecution called expert witnesses in the arms and munitions field to testify that many of the weapons were very sophisticated and took a professional with extensive experience and competence to maneuver and operate. With their testimony he made the argument that The Winter Soldier was of sound mind and body, capable of high levels of logical reasoning, tactical strategizing and time sensitive decision-making.

The defense did well in cross examination to point out that being highly skilled, trained in utilizing complex weapons and the ability to assess how best to complete a mission objective using problem solving and deductive reasoning was not the same as making conscious choices and decisions such as if one’s actions were right or wrong, moral or unjust. Their argument was valid but the Juriers seemed unconvinced and skeptical of the expressionless ex assassin who had not moved or even shifted since taking his seat.

There was a short recess and Bucky remained quietly disengaged from the others as they ate lunch and spoke with the lawyers speculating on which Jurier would be hardest to win over. He did not touch his plate of food, remaining as motionless as he had in the courtroom, appearing to be reverted back to his submissive Soldier state of being. Steve swallowed a bite of food before he finally leaned over and whispered to his friend.

“Bucky,...... You need to eat Pal.” Steve’s voice was gentle and he tried not to sound like an order yet his friend responded all the same. His gaze remaining vacant and distant as he robotically picked up the sandwich and ate it with out expression. He only drank the water when Steve took his hand and placed it on the cup as if he was blind and could not see it. The other Avengers noticed and sighed aware of what state of mind the Sargent was in. The lawyers watched the interaction with interest, unsure if exploring this shift in his conscious state would help or hurt their case but taking note to discuss it with his Psychiatrist later.

After the break the prosecution began to call up family and friends of the S.H.E.I.L.D agents and civilians who died during the cross fire and project insight, letting them express their emotional pleas of how terribly they were effected by the loss, their eyes full of anger and grief as they cursed at Bucky and some had to be removed from Court. Unlike the earlier testimonies, The Sargent had snapped out of his Soldier mind state and was instead actively listening and intently watching each testimony with an anguished grimace and eyes full of grief. He did not look away, feeling as through he owed it to each victim to meet their gaze, his expression and trembling body showing his remorse and deep guilt. He made no attempt to mask his emotional reactions to their detailed accounts of his ruthless violence, breathing raged as he covered his mouth and hung his head in shame. After the fifth testimony, a woman who fell to pieces as she mourned the death of her husband, the father of her new born baby, the tears ran freely down his cheeks and he did not hid them but simply watched and listened to the first hand accounts of how he had ruined their lives. 

It was the hardest day yet and when the Prosecution finally rest their case and court was adjourned, Bucky was again numb and unresponsive, walking on auto pilot with a flat affect as his eyes continued to leak a slow stream of tears he did not seem to notice, gaze unfocused and distant. Steve and Sam both held the jacket over him as Natasha and Clint took lead, Bruce in the back and Tony and Pepper served as a distraction taking time to interact with some of the reporters about how the trial was going and how Bucky felt about the witness testimonies. That night on the news there were three pictures of Bucky. The first two were sketch’s drawn inside the court house, one showing him with his head down, face blank, the other with him covering his mouth, eyes wide in shock as he listened to the witness testimonies. The other was as a real photograph taken by a reporter as he climbed into the limo, the jacket slipped offering a clear image of his melancholy expression with red swollen eyes. Bucky didn’t care, didn’t say a word to any of them as he went to his bedroom the moment they got back and didn’t come out for dinner that night.

Steve and the others spent the evening with the Lawyer’s reviewing how the next days of trial would go, outlining an approximant time line. The plan was to enter into evidence the entire 12 hours of Hydra documentation over the course of the next two days for the viewing displeasure of the Judge, Federal Prosecutor, Jury and the family’s of the victims. Negotiations had been made and it would be arranged for Bucky to remain in a separate room at the courthouse during the two day process of viewing the taps, present at the beginning and end of the court session but not forced to re-watch his own pain and strife.

The following day after the documented evidence showing his imprisonment and forced slavery under Hydra, The Defense would call Bucky’s Psychiatrist to the stand as well as the other S.H.E.I.L.D doctors who assessed him a few months prior Their goal was to show the cause of Bucky’s unquestioning devotion to Hydra and the after effects of prolonged trauma and torture, They also hoped to prove with the Doctor’s expert testimony that Bucky had managed to break the conditioning and programming and would no longer pose a threat, a verification they were not at all certain the doctors would be willing to give. 

The lawyers then stated that with the help of S.H.E.I.L.D they had managed to acquire a recovered Cryo tank and a Maintenance chair from a raid on a Hydra base in Russia. Their intent would be to bring both devices into the court house and submit them into evidence, having experts explain how they were used. Steve immediately voiced His concern at how seeing those devices would be too much for Bucky and might trigger him. The lawyers patiently explained that seeing the items up close would resonate more with the jury especially after watching the Hydra documentation and so were a necessary evil. Steve sighed and shook his head as the others offered reassurances that Bucky would be well informed before they appeared in the courtroom.

Two more days would be needed after that, the first for the other Avenger’s to be called up as character witnesses and the last day would be Bucky’s chance to take the stand if he was feeling up to it and finally the closing arguments. Steve was thankful that the time line for the trial was relatively short, a little over a week, as already the emotional effects on Bucky were painful obvious. The Captain fidgeted with preoccupied worry as they sat at the conference table discussing possible variables that might prolong the trial process and the damage they had to undo now that the prosecution had finally rested their case. Steve stared at the door, wishing he could just leave and go join Bucky, exhausted and fed up with the meeting. Natasha grabbed his hand and smiled and he sighed nodding, trying to refocus. He had to make sure he could be as helpful as possible for Bucky, since his friend was clearly overwhelmed.


	26. I Hurt Myself Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So basically when I wrote this story and “No More Pain” I had been reading a lot of CAWS fics and there were so many different elements to his recovery and how he felt about his body that I decided I wanted to include them all in mine. Hence the reason for this Chapter. It’s a sad one!

It was almost 10 pm when the lawyer’s finally left and Steve said good night as he carried a reheated plate of Shepard's pie, one of Bucky’s favorites, up stairs to their sweet. When he entered he noticed the T.V was on with the news covering the Trial and playing clips of The Avenger’s helping Bucky in and out of the court house. There were commentators and Pundits analyzing his mental state from the three pictures and interviews with protestors and family members of his victims. Steve swallowed as he looked away from the hated television and turned toward the bathroom door were he could hear the shower running. 

“Bucky?.......” Steve paused but did not hear a reply. “I got some food for ya,..... I guess,...... I will just put it on the table,......for when your ready...” Steve swallowed feeling awkward as he sighed and placed the plate on the kitchenette. He walked over toward the bedrooms and glanced in at Bucky’s, taking note that the bed had been untouched since being made by the cleaning staff that morning. Bucky hand neatly folded his dress shirt next to his shoes and had rehung the suite. It struck Steve oddly as Bucky had usually just shred the clothes, dumping them on the chair and then collapsed onto the bed immediately upon returning the first two evenings. He looked around his friend’s room and couldn’t shake an unnerved feeling as he ran his hands through his hair.

Steve walked over to his own room and changed into sweets and a white T-Shirt then headed back out to the living room area were he paused leaning over the couch as he watched the news with disgust. He shook his head with narrow eyes as he listened to some so called “experts” in body langue analysis project their thoughts about the Sergeant and his demeanor in the court room based off the sketch’s. The snide commentator pointed out how Bucky was hunched over with his head down, clamming that his posture and facial expression matched that of a psychopath and he should be kept in secure restraints while in the court room for the safety of the juriers and the witnesses. The second sketch was dismissed as an obvious sign that he had been coached during the court’s recess by his lawyers to act more emotional and show that he was sorry for his crimes. The experts explained that the third, real life photo again showed him blank and emotionally closed off, calling the red eyes a mark of his crocodile tears, forced and not real. Steve felt his blood boil as he gritted his teeth in anger at the unfairness of it all. He hung his head and sighed then stood up straighter and continued watching the broadcast.

More time past and Steve sighed as he walked back over toward the door of the bathroom. It had been nearly twenty minutes since he had entered their sweet and he had no idea how long Bucky had already been in the shower at this point. The Captain knocked on the door and listened, hearing no reply.

“Bucky,..... You have been in there a while pal,.... Common out!” Steve tried as he leaned his forehead against the door. He listened intently as he realized that the spray was continuous with no sounds of movement. He felt the pang of worry spread into a knot of dread as he twisted the locked door knob, braking it open. He pushed the door open and looked toward the large shower that had the curtain drawn securely.

“Bucky?” He called, his voice sounding thick as he stepped closer before pulling the curtain open a few inches then ripping it back completely, yelling in shock at the sight before him. Bucky was slumped unconscious against the side of the tub, his pale body exposed and venerable. The water was stained with oozing blood from large carving slices through the flesh and muscle of his left shoulder at the point where it joined with his metal arm. Clutched loosely in his right hand was a large, sharp kitchen knife, the tool he had been using in an attempt to amputate his despised prosthetic limb.

“NO!....nonono... Bucky No!...... Wake up,.... Common Pal!” Steve was instantly leaning down into the shower, oblivious to the spray, gripping his friend’s unconscious face, gazing in horror at the pale shade of his lips. 

“God Bucky..... Oh my God!” Steve cried out as he grabbed the knife and hastily through it outside the tub, turning off the shower as he pulled his friend to him, lifting him out, cradling him in his arms on the floor as the blood continued to flow from the deep open wounds, coating Bucky’s bare chest and staining Steve’s white shirt. Franticly, Steve grabbed Towels as he wrapped them around Bucky’s shoulder, pressing with all his might to stop the continuous stream of blood.

“JARVIS!!!!” Steve yelled but heard no reply. He looked up in panic before remembering that they weren’t at the Tower. 

“Bucky!... Hang in there! Stay with me Pal!” Steve chocked as he grabbed a large white bathrobe that was on the door and wrapped his friend in it then scooped him into his arms as he ran out the door and down the hall way yelling at the top of his lungs for help. He hit the stairs and by the time he got to the next floor he saw Clint and Sam who turned with looks of alarm at Steve as he raced toward them carrying Bucky, the white robe already becoming saturated with Blood.

“What the Fuck?” Clint reacted as the two men quickly assessed the situation.

“Bucky tried to cut off his arm!” Steve gasped as Clint was already on his phone turning to Sam.

“I got Stark you call Bruce.” The Archer spoke with resumed calm as the three walked with hast toward the elevator. As the door opened Natasha was inside, her eyes blinking quickly as the men jumped in and Sam pushed the button for Bruce’s floor.

“Let me see!” Natasha spoke with calm authority, already comprehending the state of emergency. She peeled back the blood soaked robe revealing the gruesome gashes along the front and top of his shoulder, deep and wide.

“Damn!” Sam whispered as Natasha frowned in concern.

“How much blood has he lost?” Clint asked still on the phone with Stark who was now with Bruce and Pepper. The elevator door opened and Steve rushed out clutching Bucky, the other’s right behind him.

“I have no idea!...... He did it in the shower and I don’t know how long.....” Steve was cut off as they entered Bruce’s sweet to the sight of the Doctor and Pepper clearing off the long table, Stark standing by with a 3D x ray device attached to his tablet and a needle.

“According to the monitoring system that is unfortunately not Jarvis,...... The shower was running for a little over an hour.” Stark offered, a grimace on his face as Steve gingerly placed Bucky on the table, Sam pulling away the robe and bloody towels as Natasha placed a new robe covering Bucky’s lower body. Steve stepped back with a quivering breath as Stark injected the needle into the meat of Bucky’s left shoulder and Bruce used sterilized gauze to wipe up the blood.

At the feel of the needle Bucky stirred and groaned, his eyes fluttered open at half mass, vision blurry and swimming with spots. He blinked and flinched as Pepper lifted his head, sliding a folded towel under him as a pillow. He struggled to move as his eyes looked down and saw Sam hand Bruce a needle with stiches.

“Nah...No,...... Get it off ah’me....... S’Bad!” Bucky mumbled with slurred words and clumsy protests, wincing as he tried to sit up.

“Easy Sargent,...... You have lost a lot of Blood!” Bruce spoke calmly but with hast nodding to Sam as he held Bucky’s head still and Steve took his right hand in his own giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Wha’ was zat...needle fer?” Bucky asked with a confused whine, his eyes opening and closing as he struggled to stay awake.

“That would be a sedative and pain killer combo that we just so happened to have laying around for emergency’s!” Tony spoke with a friendly, casual tone as he scanned the self inflicted wound to see how deep the gashes went. “.....Like for instance when people try to preform auto surgical procedures with Kitchen Knifes!” He muttered under his breath as with a wave of his hand the 3D x-ray came to life hovering above him.

“Well,.... the good news is that he barley grazed the bone,...... the less then good news is that he really sliced up the trapezius muscle and the Brachial Piexus nerve.” Banner sighed as he garbed some metal clamps to help hold together the flesh as he stitched. Bucky was out quickly from the effects of the sedative, already being low on blood. Tony set down his tablet and accepted an I.V line from Natasha who already had it set up. She walked over to Steve with gentle efficiency, sticking it in his arm as Tony connected the other end of the blood transfusion to Bucky’s flesh arm. Steve remained quiet and still, eyes locked on Bucky’s paper white face and pale lips, the limp hand cool and clammy in his grip. Behind him Pepper was on the phone with the lawyers explaining what had happened and asking what needed to be done to allow Bucky to stay out of the court room for a few days to heal. Sam released Bucky’s head once he was asleep and grabbed his phone, calling Bucky’s Psychiatrist and Clint was on the phone with Agent Hill. The stiches took almost an hour and Steve gave Bucky more then three pints of Blood before Bruce insisted that he stop, Natasha forcing him into a seat next to Bucky as he had begun to sway were he stood. When the last stich was tied and the blood had stopped flowing every one let out a collective sigh of relief, Tony patting Captain Roger’s on the back as he stared hard at his best friend, watching as Natasha used a wet cloth to clean away the excess blood.

“He could have killed himself.” Steve spoke with quiet disbelief and sorrow, grimacing at the thought as he held onto Bucky’s flesh hand. 

“He could have,......But we got to him before he lost too much Blood...... He will make it through this Cap.” Banner sighed as he walked over to the kitchen to wash his hands. Steve remained motionless, staring at Bucky as he swallowed, still holding his friend’s limp hand in a firm desperate grip. His face was twisted with an expression of anger, grief and fear, jaw locked as he breathed through his noise. He felt Pepper rest a hand on his shoulder and he looked at her as she offered a sympathetic smile holding out a clean shirt. He looked down at his own and realized it was still wet from the shower and stained with Bucky’s blood. He reluctantly let go of his friend’s hand and pulled off the shirt, handing it to Sam who threw it away. Natasha stepped up and used another wet cloth to wipe away the remaining blood that was smeared on his neck and side of his face, smiling gently as he blinked up at her with a lost and hurt expression. He then accepted the shirt and put it on.

“Well,..... I have just rewired the monitoring System and now Jarvis in linked in.” Stark sighed sitting on the near by couch.

That is correct Sir, I am fully operational and have assessed the current situation.

“Good,..... Lets make sure you contact each and every one of us if Sargent Barnes is with in three feet of a sharp object and if he shows any signs at all of distress!” Stark wiped his face with a tired grumble.

“How could he do this....... Why?” Steve’s voice sounded broken as he again stood over his friend with his arms crossed, gaze hard and mouth frowning.

“He’s under a lot of stress right now Steve,..... Hearing all those people talk about the pain he caused them,..... the reporters and protestors,.....” Sam shook his head.

“And he was up stairs watching the news call him a psychopath and tare him apart!” Stark added as with a wave of his hand a screen projected in the air with a surveillance video of the sweet from a few hours prior. The Avenger’s watched as Bucky sat completely ridged on the couch still dressed in his suite watching the T.V, the voices of the news anchors and guest commentators were animated as they discussed the many crimes committed by The Winter Soldier and how he deserved to be executed as a traitor.

“You have cameras in all the suites?” Hawkeye grunted, annoyed that he was being recorded.

“Relax Legolas,....... No one is actively watching it,..... I can just pull it up for purposes such at this!” Stark sighed as he fast-forwarded until they saw Bucky move.

“He sat there watching that garbage for over an hour.” Pepper spoke with Sympathy as she stood by Steve and leaned over to stroke Bucky’s hair. Stark paused and rewound for a minute then pushed play and turned up the audio. The video showed Bucky leaning forward as he watched an interview with one of the family members that had testified in court. She was the young woman with a new baby in her arms, tears rushing down her face as she spoke.

“I told my Husband that I was pregnant, that he was going to be a father a few days before the attack on S.H.E.I.L.D...... He was a pilot,....... one of the men that tried to stop that maniac from destroying everything!........ He,..... My John,.... He was such a good man!..... So brave!...... We had just gotten married last year and,.....” She sobbed as she clutched her new born infant. “The Winter Soldier,......... Sargent Barnes,...... Whoever the hell he is,........He used that Metal arm,..... that evil,.... unnatural, cyborg arm...... and he crushed John’s skull,........ like he was nothing!...... HE WAS MY HUSBAND!....... THIS IS HIS DAUGHTER YOU HEARTLESS MONSTER!!!!” The woman cried into the camera, becoming distraught as a man pulled her into a hug, supporting her weight as she sobbed and he looked into the camera with anger in his eyes.

“John was my brother,..... he was a good man!....... Too good to be killed by some brain dead freak!...... I don’t care who’s best buddy he use to be,..... he deserves to be taken out for good before more innocent people loose their lives!....... They have him in that court room with that weapon,...... The metal arm that crushed my brother’s skull!...... And he just sits in there, pretending like he was powerless against Hydra,...... acting like he’s some kind of victim!....... It;s a disgrace!....... They should rip that God Damn metal arm off of him,...... if he was truly sorry he wouldn’t keep that thing on him,...... putting the whole court room in danger!” The man fumed and the News anchor stepped back in front of the camera. 

Bucky fell forward off of the couch with his head in his hands as he screamed in agony gripping his hair. He remained curled up on the floor for some time before he finally stood, stumbling toward the bedroom were he removed his cloths. When he reappeared he was calm but detached as he headed for the kitchen and selected a knife then walked with sure-footed steps into the bathroom, clutching the knife in his right hand as he locked the door.

Steve let out a deflated breath as he collapsed in the chair next to Bucky, his head in his hand as he stared heart broken at his unconscious best friend. Pepper rubbed his back as Stark ended the video feed and looked over at the Captain who looked devastated.

“What do we do now?” Steve asked with a shaking voice, feeling lost.

“The lawyer’s have reached out to the judge who has agreed that Bucky can remain here for the next two day and the trial will go on with the Hydra evidence....... You can stay here with him Steve.” Pepper offered softly.

“And I will be here too,..... make sure he’s healing up.” Banner interjected as he walked back over to his patient, using a scanner to evaluate his vitals.

“What if he wakes up and still wants to hurt himself?” Steve asked with a quivered breath as he shook his head.

“I will stay too Cap,.... make sure he doesn’t and his Psychiatrist will be over first thing tomorrow.” Sam assured.

“If it’s the arm that is the problem then I can make him a new one,..... a prosthetic that resembles flesh and looks more normal...... I’ve offered a few times before, should have insisted I suppose but there has been so much to deal with and every time I brought it up he changed the subject!” Stark sighed as he stood up and joined the others who were staring down at the pale, prone figure. Natasha had stepped away and retuned with lounge pants for the unconscious man and the others turned away as she removed the robe from his naked body and Steve slipped them on his friend.

“Lets move him to the bed,.... Steve you two take this sweet and Sam and I can move up stares to yours.” Banner suggested.

“There is blood in the bathroom.” Steve mumbled quietly with his head down as he lifted Bucky with the help of Sam, Clint and Stark, keeping Bucky’s body supported. They laid him in the bed as Bruce pulled back the covers then tucked them over his patient. The others sighed and patted the Captain on the back as they made their exit, Sam remaining by his side as he stared down at Bucky.

“I should have been up there with him,..... Why did I leave him alone for so long?” Steve choked out with a shake of his head.

“You were trying to give him space Steve,....... And really, he’s been dealing with everything pretty well so far, but he’s in a lot of pain right now,..... the guilt is messing with him bad,.... he’s just not thinking strait....... Don’t beat your self up man!..... And when he wakes up, listen to him,..... don’t tell him he shouldn’t have done it,.... tell him we will help him remove it if that’s what he wants and get a new arm,..... one that doesn’t remind him of Hydra and all the pain and death they have caused.” Sam offered and Steve nodded.

“You gonna be okay man?..... Want me to say with you right now?” Sam asked with a concerned expression. Steve sighed and shook his head.

“No,..... Thanks Sam,.... I’ll see you in the morning.” Steve sighed and nodded as Sam squeezed his shoulder and headed out, leaving Steve alone with Bucky. The Captain stood still at the foot of the bed for a long time before finally sighing and sitting heavily down next to his best friend. A moment later he laid down completely and wrapped an arm carefully over Bucky’s bare torso, Steve’s head next to the unconscious man as he let himself cry softly. This time they shared a bed not to comfort Bucky, but to reassure Steve that his friend was still breathing and that he hadn’t failed to save him once again.


	27. Will to Live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Bucky! But also,….Poor Steve. He wants to help his best friend anyway he can but is overcome with his own emotions. This has been almost a year now of struggle and recovery with some good days and happy moments but also a lot of pain, fear, anger and grief. They will get through it! They are heroes,… and heroes overcome even the most difficult and soul shattering obstacles in life!

The morning brought with it an intense headache and nausea as Bucky opened his eyes with a groan, shifting slightly and rolling toward his left before he stopped with a sudden gasp of pain. Steve sat up next to him, placing his palm on Bucky’s chest, gently pushing him flat as his friend took another few wincing breaths, eyes looking down at his bandaged left shoulder then up at Steve with alarm and confusion.

“Wha....What the hell happened?” He asked feeling light headed and fatigued, his vision slightly shaking. Steve looked down at Bucky with a steady look, the hand that was on his friend’s chest coming up to wipe Steve’s face as he sighed and shook his head with a slight grimace.

“You tried to cut your arm off last night in the shower Bucky,..... You almost bled to death.” Steve tried to keep his voice calm and even, remembering what Sam had said as he resisted the urge to demand from Bucky an explanation and remind him of his promise that he wouldn’t hurt himself. Bucky looked at Steve with shock, mouth open then back at his arm as his face slowly changed once the memory sank in. He dropped his head back on the pillow with a grunt and closed his eyes, jaws locked.

“You remember?” Steve asked cautiously as he sat up fully next to his friend, eyes watching his pale, guarded expression as Bucky ran his flesh hand trough his short brown hair. He gulped as he looked away and closed his eyes nodding stiffly. 

“You should have let me.” Bucky whispered, eye brows furled and mouth in a pout. Steve felt ice grip his heart and then a sense of rage. He jumped up quickly pacing as he ran his hands through his own hair, wanting desperately to punch something but restraining himself. He turned back around and looked at Bucky with anguish as his friend blinked opened his eyes, gaze still off to the side, a despondent look on his pale, clammy face.

“How dare you!....... How FUCKING dare you say that James Buchanan Barnes!” Steve fumed as he walked over toward his friend with deliberate steps, grabbing his jaw a bit roughly, forcing him to meet his furious eyes. He glared with tempered anger but was careful not to affect the injured shoulder. Bucky took a sharp intake of breath, startled as he blinked up at his friend’s enraged expression. Steve swallowed before he spoke, voice brimming with frustration and hurt, eyes wet.

“After all we have been through!...... Not just you and me,.... but The Avenger’s,... the entire team!....... We have been desperately trying to help you Bucky!.... To keep you safe from Hydra, from the rest of the world,...... trying to help you remember who you are and how to deal with the pain,...... all so you can LIVE Bucky,..... so you can get your life back!....... AND WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!........... You pull a stunt like this and almost kill your self!........ How can you be so GOD DAMN selfish?........ Don’t you get it Buck,........ Every time you hurt yourself, it kills me,....... I just got you back,..... AND I WILL NOT LOOSE YOU AGAIN!...... Do you understand me Sargent!” Steve’s tone was forceful and direct, demanding his friend listen to him as the fear from the night before shown brightly in the Captain’s eyes. Bucky was silent, in shock at being yelled at by Steve, his jaw held tightly. He watched the unfiltered emotions poor through Steve’s eyes as he digested the harsh reality of the words. Bucky swallowed and felt tears spring to his eyes as self loathing gave way to shame and humility. He choked back a whimper and Steve’s eyes softened at his friend’s broken expression, his grip loosening from Bucky’s jaw and moving to cradle the side of his head, his thumb brushing lightly over the injured man’s temple. Steve sighed as Bucky looked at him pleadingly, lips trembling as the first tears spilled from his eyes.

“I’m sorry Steve,..... M’sorry,..... please,...... I’m so fucking sorry!....... All I do is hurt people,...... I....” Bucky began to cry and Steve leaned in resting his forehead to his friend’s, as he stroked his hair.

“No,.... it’s okay,...... It’s gonna be okay Bucky,..... I’m sorry,..... I shouldn’t have said that,.... shouldn’t be yelling at you when your in so much pain!....... I was just so scared Buck!......” Steve pulled back, his own eyes wet as he gazed imploringly at his friend who looked so defeated and helpless.

“I saw you unconscious in the shower with that knife and…. God Bucky, there was so much blood,....... I thought you were gone!....... My heart stopped and I was panicking!......If the others hadn’t been here to help me Bucky....” Steve swallowed and looked away as a tear rolled down his cheek then another and another. “God I don’t want to loose you.... I finally got you back!” Steve choked on his own sob as he leaned forward and kissed his friend’s forehead again and again, both hands holding on to his face as he sat next to him on the bed, still avoiding his left side. 

“Please Bucky,..... Please understand how important you are!....... You have to live Buck!...... And we can fix the arm,...... give you a new one, a better one that doesn’t remind you of Hydra,..... one that looks like flesh and feels real and nobody will call you a freak or a monster!...... I promise Bucky just Please,....... please don’t hurt your self,..... don’t.....just don’t....” Steve was crying now, harder then Bucky as he pressed himself against his friend’s chest and Bucky stifled his own sobs to wrap his flesh arm around the Captain’s shoulders, his hand running through Steve’s blond hair offering comfort as he realized just how scared his friend must have been. Bucky leaned his head back on the pillow blinking his wet eyes up at the ceiling, face contorted in physical, mental and emotional pain as Steve shook with silent sobs in his grip, tears spilling on Bucky’s bare chest. They stayed like that for some time, Steve letting his fear and grief flow out of him, tension slowly leaving his shaking form as Bucky continued to rub the back of his short blond hair soothingly.

“Okay Stevie,..... I won’t do it again!....... I’m sorry pal,..... I am so sorry for everything!” Bucky sighed as he shook his head with a small quivering breath. “I want to be strong Steve!,.... But it hurts so much!..... The pain I have caused so many people!..... I have destroyed so many lives!...... How can I ever live with that Steve,..... How can I walk this earth knowing how much blood is on my hands!” Bucky asked with a devastated, trembling tone, a fresh wave of tears spilling down his cheeks as his voice broke. Steve sighed and sat up, whipping his own face as he met his friend’s forlorn gaze, both of them still fighting back tears that fell anyway.

“You can make amends Bucky,..... You can be part of our Team,..... Once your better,.... once you feel strong again,....... You can help save lives and fight against Hydra,..... make them pay for what they have done to you and all the people they made you hurt..... The guilt and shame won’t be easy to live with but you can fight it Bucky!... Doing good, helping others and being proud of what you do,..... fighting by my side just like before, just like you always did!....... I believe in you Bucky Barnes,...... And so do the Avenger’s.......We can do this Bucky,....together!” Steve offered with a strong voice of conviction, raspy and emotional from crying as he lovingly clasped his friend’s flesh hand in both of his, eyes desperate for him to believe what he was saying. Bucky swallowed, eyes searching Steve’s face as if all the answers were written in his solid, comforting expression. After a small sigh, Bucky offered a slight smile and timid nod, wanting so badly to believe Captain America, but doubting his own abilities to live up to his friend’s continuous and unwavering faith in him. He turned his gaze toward the doorway were Sam and Bruce stood with gentle smiles.

“Couldn’t have said it better my self Cap!” Sam offered as Steve turned and looked at him with a small chuckle, wiping his red eyes then wiping Bucky’s wet cheeks with his thumb.

“How you feeling Sargent?” Bruce asked as they walked in, Sam standing next to Steve, hand on his shoulder as Bruce was on the left side of the bed with his scanner out, checking on the heeling wounds of his patients shoulder. Bucky sighed and glanced at the Doctor with a slight grimace.

“Like a huge Jerk!” Bucky grumbled with a sigh.

“Well it’s better to be a living Jerk then a dead one!” Sam offered and Bucky swallowed and nodded, eyes down cast and brow knit.

“I’m sorry fellas,..... for being such a head case.” He muttered again with a slight pout and Steve squeezed his flesh hand. Bruce sighed as he spoke to his patient and friend with calm words of comfort and understanding.

“You’ve been dealing with a lot Bucky,..... we understand how difficult this has been for you...... And Steve is right, the only thing that can help alleviate the guilt and pain is by doing good and helping others...... We all need a sense of purpose Sargent,..... and once this whole trial thing is over,.... maybe you can find yours fighting along side us band of tragic misfits.” Dr. Banner mused as he turned off the scanner. “But first you have to heal,.... and lucky for you, your cellular regeneration is almost on par with the Captain’s here, plus a little boost from his blood goes a long way......The physical damage is easier to mend. The real pain that needs time to heal is where it hurts the most.” Bruce pointed at his own head and then his heart and Bucky nodded with a heavy sigh.

“Speaking of which...... looks like your Doc just arrived.” Sam spoke as he looked down at his phone, referring to the psychiatrist. He left to go let the man in the back door and Steve leaned down kissing Bucky on his forehead before standing up and stretching.

“I am going to bring you some Pedialyte Bucky,.... it will help you get your sugar up and have less of a head ach.” Bruce offered and Bucky nodded as the two men headed for the door.

“Hey guys,...... Thanks....” Bucky called with a small voice and they both turned and smiled with nods.

............................................................................................................................................ 

Bucky spent the next day and a half in bed, only getting up to use the rest room. After the first day of bed rest when the other Avenger’s had returned from court, Bucky had made it a point to apologize to them all for causing so many problems and promised he would not act so foolishly again. He then spoke openly with Stark over dinner about the idea of a new arm and the engineer voiced his enthusiasm about the idea. Tony assured the Sargent that he already had several design plans in the works but had been waiting for Bucky to be ready before showing him the sketches and model prints.

Dinner was in the bedroom over a box of Pizza, an easy meal to eat one handed sitting in bed. Bucky asked the others about the Trial and expressed a desire to watch the news despite concern expressed from Steve. The Captain had asked Natasha her thoughts about the Juriers and family’s of the victims’ reactions to the first six hours of Hydra footage, wanting to know what the news might say before they turned it on. She explained to both Super Soldier’s and the rest of the room that had been present or not, how the documentation had been broken down into two hour segments with half an hour brakes in between. By the end of the day she said the court room was quiet and those who had previously been hard set against his case seemed reflective and pensive. She also observed that those witnesses watching the trial who had previously expressed a desire to see the Sargent suffer for his crimes, were unsettled and revolted by the intense torture he had experienced at the hands of Hydra and seemed less inclined to voice their condemnation toward the other Avengers when court was adjourned. The Avengers who had been in court that day agreed with her impression and reluctantly Steve consented to watching the news.

They sat in companionable silence, Steve next to Bucky on the bed, the others scattered around the room as they watched and listened to the news casters talk about the reactions to the Hydra footage before playing an interview recorded earlier that day. Bucky tensed with a harsh intake of breath and a slight tremor, Steve, grabbing his flesh hand reassuringly, giving it a squeeze. On the screen was the woman with her baby daughter and the man, her brother in law, who had been interviewed the evening before. This time however they didn’t look angry or devastated, just uncertain and wary.

“We have been informed that Sargent Barnes was not present in court today because he is recovering from a near fatal, self inflicted injury. Apparently yesterday evening after hearing hours of witness testimony from the numerous family members who lost loved ones during project insight, The defendant attempted to amputate his prosthetic arm, resulting in sever blood loss and the need for emergency medical attention. Today is the first day the Defense has begun their argument and those present in the court room watched the first 6 hours of an unedited video documentation created by Hydra pertaining to the programing and conditioning of Sargent Barnes, basically the brainwashing process used to create their lethal Assassin, The Winter Soldier. With us today for another interview is Miss. Susiana Jones and her brother in Law Richard Jones, family members of Airman Jonathan Jones, one of the S.H.E.I.L.D pilots killed by the Winter Soldier during Project Insight.” The News Anchor turned toward the woman with a sympathetic tone but remained cool and professional in her demeanor.

“Ma’am,...... We know that you lost your Husband during Project Insight and that the man on trial, Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, operating under the code name Winter Soldier, was the one directly responsible for his death....... Yesterday you seemed over whelmed with grief and called him a monster,..... has the evidence offered up by the Defense team in anyway swayed your thoughts concerning the Sargent’s guilt or innocence?” The News reporter asked and the woman shifted as she looked away and then back to the Anchor.

“When they started court today,...... His lawyers explained that last night,...... Sargent Barnes tried to cut his metal arm off and was receiving medical care....... At first I thought’ Good’!,....... I thought I was glad he suffered, that he felt guilty for what he put us through, for the misery he has caused.” She paused as she swallowed and the man beside her held her close, his own expression struggling and in conflict. “......But,...... what we saw today,........ what Hydra did to that man,...” She shook her head with a heavy sigh..... “I thought I wouldn’t care what happened to him,..... what Hydra did to turn him into a mindless killing machine...... I thought that… what ever he suffered didn’t matter because he had ruined my life,......I thought he was responsible for John’s death and..... It’s hard to say this,...... but now,...... I don’t know,........ They really did put him through hell,..... he didn’t choose to be a weapon,....... he was forced,..... and ...... I don’t know,..... I guess I started to feel bad for him...... Not hate him so much.” The woman sighed again as she leaned into her brother in law who nodded.

“Sir, you had some very strong feelings about the man on trial and said his arm should be ripped off,...... How did you feel after learning about his attempt to do just that and the video evidence offered by the defense today?” The reporter questioned with a professional detachment and the man sighed as he shook his head, looking down and then back up to her.

“I’ll be honest with ya miss,...... Yesterday, If I coulda got my hands on that guy,..... I would have tried to yank off that metal arm myself..... And like Susie here,..... When I heard he tried to cut it off I thought, ‘Good!, Son of a Bitch had it coming!’....... But those videos,...... He didn’t deserve that,..... Nobody does!....... I think those Hydra Bastards really did mess with his mind,..... Fired his brain with electricity and stuck him full of drugs....... I don’t know,....... I thought I wouldn’t mind watching him suffer but,..... Truth is.... Hydra tore that poor boy apart and put him back together as something else,...... Maybe he is still dangerous,.... and I ain’t saying he should go free or that he wasn’t responsible for John’s death, but,....... He would never have done it if those Hydra bastards hadn’t messed with his head and beat him into submission.” The man sighed again shaking his head and looking conflicted.

“Thank you both for your time!” The reporter turned back to the camera with a nod. “And there you have it. Just one day into the Defense’s case of not guilty by reason of mental impairment and already we are hearing surprising amounts of sympathy for Sargent Barnes from the very people most impacted by his brutal crimes. From outside the Federal court house, I am Stacy Sanders.” The news anchors at their desk came back into few with raised eye brows as they continued to talk.

“What is amazing here is that these two individuals are not the only ones who seemed to have a change of heart regarding Sargent Barnes’ culpability for his actions.... We have heard countless reports from other witnesses within the court room that they were shocked and disturbed by the evidence submitted today,.... some leaving the court room and apparently one jurier even became physically ill....... We are hearing lots of chatter on Twitter and Facebook as well that public opinion may be swaying now that the level of torture and brainwashing,.... what Hydra had referred to as conditioning and programing, has been reviled.” The Anchor stated.

As they both spoke a screen behind them played a repeat of the footage that had been released prior to trail, glimpses of Hydra’s torture and Bucky fighting desperately with one arm as they first dragged him to the chair. More speculation continued and other interviews with witnesses from inside the court room were released. There was a panel discussion with Psychiatrists, Doctors, Lawyers and a retired Juge, all discussing the legitimacy of the plead of mental impairment and offering professional insight into just how dehumanizing and effective Hydra had been at brutally creating their perfect, obedient Asset, stripping the Sargent of his agency and ability to act of his own free will. 

After a while Pepper turned off the T.V then went over to Bucky, on his left side, the others all watching. Bucky was leaning back against the head of the bed, wet eyes blinking up at the ceiling as he worked on keeping his breathing even as Steve held his flesh hand. He looked at her when she cupped his face with a soft reassuring smile.

“The truth,.... while painful, and bitter to swallow,.... will be the very thing to set you free Sargent Barnes...... Now the world will finally know what we have learned months ago,...... You have always been a good man Bucky!.......... Hydra may have stolen that away from you,..... but you took it back,...... All we have to do is prove to them that you are not a threat...... You can do this!..... We are here to help you!” She brushed the hair from his forehead and kissed the top of his head before standing as he nodded and swallowed. Slowly each person got up, offering words of support and encouragement before leaving the room and Bucky offered weak smiles and mumbled thanks, swallowing as he nodded. When at last it was just he and Steve, Bucky let out a haggard sigh, taking his flesh hand to hid his face with a groan. Steve wrapped an arm around him and Bucky leaned against him for support.

“Just a few more days Bucky!...... And we will be done with this....and you can finally have your life back!” Steve promised and Bucky sighed.

“Sure Stevie,...... What ever you say.” He mumbled with a heavy sigh as he let his wet eyes drift shut, resting against his best friend’s strength. Steve held him close as he silently prayed Bucky could handle the rest of the trial.


	28. Friends in High Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Clint. This is how I see the break down of Bucky’s friendships with the Avengers.
> 
> Tony- At times overwhelming but mostly able to joke around and talk shit together, fellow motor heads.
> 
> Bruce- Calm and patient understanding, a welcoming and easy presence to be around if he is feeling self conscious or over whelmed.
> 
> Natasha- Non- judgmental and able to empathize with out babying or fussing over him. Also challenges his negative thinking and self loathing.
> 
> Pepper- Kind, motherly concern, offers the soft, gentle reassurance.
> 
> Sam- Good for talking him down out of a crisis or panic attack, understands how to ground him and like Natasha, keeps his distorted thinking in check, challenges him.
> 
> Steve- He is his brother, unconditional love and support, the one he can fall apart in front of and he knows will help hold him together. However he also gets frustrated because Steve worries so much and makes every thing about him all the time. He can curse Steve out, push him away and crawl sobbing into his arms.
> 
> Then there is Clint- Always easy going and doesn’t try to push him or challenge him or fuss over him, just down to hang out. Able to relate his own feelings of loss of control and remorse for things done while under the authority of another. He is the one who sneaks Bucky Cigarettes and booze when Sam, Steve and Bruce and regulating his drinking during medication. Clint is just a chill bro who never makes him feel on edge or like he needs to say something or be a certain way. I like Clint, and so does Bucky!
> 
> Let me know If I have portrayed those characteristics through out these two short novels of mine. Much love ya’ll!

The next day went about the same and when the Avengers returned to their temporary shelter, Bucky was moving about with his metal arm in a sling, already watching the news coverage with Steve sitting next to him. This time the interviews with witnesses from within the court room were even more emotional and sympathetic with one man breaking down on camera saying that he felt as through Sargent Barnes never even had a chance to resist and that he no longer blamed him for the loss of his eldest Son, another pilot who the Winter Soldier had kicked into the engine of one of SHILEDS fighter jets. As the interview ended Bucky sighed heavily and wiped his face with his flesh hand as Steve squeezed his un injured shoulder. The others each expressed their observations of how the trial was going now that the defense was making their case and the Juriers had watched the full twelve hours of Hydra documentation. 

Each news station was reporting how public opinion was turning slightly in his favor and Bucky’s Psychiatrist was a featured interview on both CNN and MNBC, explaining the process of recovery and how determined Sargent Barnes was to reclaim himself. He went on to speak of Bucky’s guilt and remorse and how he was not a Psychotic Sociopath as other so called T.V mental health professionals, mainly on Fox News, had proclaimed. The Doctor made it clear that his patient was simply a good man completely robbed of his agency, dehumanized, drugged and tortured until right and wrong were no longer a part of his moral reality, only obedience. Stark nodded with a smirk as he wrapped an arm around Pepper giving her a kiss. 

“And that is why we got the best damn head shrink around!....... He will keep those media sharks and the prosecution from trying to manipulate the facts to support their own bullshit version of what happened!...... And he’ll make damn sure the truth is known and that the Buckster is pronounced innocent with out a doubt!” Stark beamed and Steve smiled at him over his shoulder with a nod of thanks as Bucky nodded but kept his eyes focused on the T.V.

He blinked back the turmoil behind his wide eyes, jaw locked as he swallowed down his humility and pride, recognizing that now there was no hiding the horrific reality of what had been done to him and what he had been forced to do. Now the whole world knew his painful degradation and humiliating suffering. He rubbed his temples and swallowed as he silently prayed to a God he was no longer even sure existed, that his most shameful secret, the violation of his very manhood and his lack of resistance against those who took it, remain unknown to the public at large.

That night was not restful but pensive for Sargent Barnes as he sat by the sliding glass doors that lead to the balcony. He was looking up at the night sky and whishing the city lights of the nations capital didn’t make the stars invisible, only the crescent of the pale moon visible. He could hear Steve snoring in the room joining his and he smiled slightly, thinking back on how Steve had always been a loud snorer, especial back when he was a skinny punk with asthma. Bucky rubbed the new skin on the back of his neck, relived that he could no longer feel the raised Hydra brand and thankful that despite how far he had fallen, there were people in this new world willing to help pull him back up. He opened the doors quietly and stepped out side, shutting them behind him as he leaned on the balcony and whished he had a cigarette.

As if on que, he heard a whistle and then looked down and over to the side where Hawkeye stood on his own balcony, a glowing ember in his mouth.

“Bum a smoke?” Bucky asked with a humorous smirk. To his relief Barton shrugged before nodding and holding up one finger, telling him to wait. Clint went back inside and emerged a moment later with Natasha’s grappling gun. Bucky rolled his eyes and steeped back as the archer short it up onto his balcony and moments later emerged throwing himself over the edge wearing only pajama paints, cigarette still in his mouth and a pack in his hand. He landed effortlessly and then took out a smoke with a calm coolness, handing it to Bucky who stuck it in his mouth and then accepted the lighter as he took a long drag, before sighing as he let it out. He nodded his thanks to Barton who nodded back before turning and leaning against the balcony were Bucky joined him smoking with his right arm as the metal one remained in the sling. The two men stood in companionable silence until Bucky spoke absent mindedly, eyes distant and glazed.

“Whish I could see the stares......... Been too long.” He muttered. Clint shot him a side ways glance then nodded.

“Yea, that’s the problem with living in the city,..... the fake twinkle and neon is alright but,....... nothing like being in the dark night of the country,....... looking up at all that space.” Clint sounded dreamy, his voice soft. They were silent for another stretch and Clint stubbed out the cigarette. 

“After this circus of a trial is over,...... It will be good for you and Steve to get out on the road,.... see America and how its changed for better or worse,........ get your self out to the Grand Canyon!...... Now those are some starry nights my friend!” Clint nodded thoughtfully as Bucky smirked and huffed with a shake of his head.

“Yea, If I don’t end up in the can for the rest of my days!” The ex assassin snorted, trying to sound flippant but his voice held a slight nervous tremble.

Clint turned his whole body to face him, looking with a thoughtful stare.

“You know that’s not gonna happen right?...... We made you a promise Sargent… You will never be locked up ever again….. And you will never become a threat to innocent lives! We meant what we said Barnes......We got people in high places!” Clint smirked and pointed at the sky. Bucky looked up with squinted eyes then back to Clint with confusion, eyes questioning what he meant. The Archer sighed but he had a twitch to his mouth, a sly smile as he rubbed his chin, eyes studdying Bucky for a moment before deciding to explain himself.

“Well,..... I know Tony was going to debrief you and Cap on Plan B the other night,...... wanted to make sure everything was set for sure before filling you both in...... And then.... things got a little hectic.....” Clint raised an eyebrow and nodded at Bucky’s shoulder. He looked down at the healing wound and away with slight embarrassment and a swallow. Clint stepped forward and rest a hand on his non injured flesh shoulder with a sigh, waiting for Bucky to meet his eyes. The Sargent reluctantly looked up at his new friend’s non judgmental and gentle expression.

“Plan A,...... The juirers realize that you are completely not guilty for what those Hydra nut jobs forced you to do and there for are acquitted of all charges,.... free to go and rediscover yourself and life in this twenty first century!” Hawkeye smiled with a look of earnest sincerity as if trying to convince Bucky that what he was saying was more then just wishful thinking.

“And Plan B?” Bucky asked with an uncertain tone, quivering more then he would like as he took a long drag, holding the cigarette in a shaky hand, eyes searching Clint’s with hopeful desperation.

“Plan B,.....is our good pal Thor.” Clint sighed with a wary smile, already aware that what was being proposed was a lot to take it. 

“Thor?..... Like THE Thor?...... The God of Thunder or what ever that helped you guys out during that Alien invasion in New York?” Bucky’s words were jumbled together as he blinked in confusion, scratching his head with his thumb, cigarette balanced in his fingers as he looked away with alarmed eyes then back at Clint. “.....How?” He questioned taking another shaky drag.

“Take a breath Barnes,.......... He’s up there...” Clint kept one hand on Bucky’s shoulder, the other pointing up into the sky, eyes glancing up then back to Bucky, speaking in a calm, reassuring tone. “He’s on stand by,.....has some friend of his that keeps an eye on us and.... everything I guess....... “ Clint shrugged as he looked back up at the starless night sky and wrapped the arm around Bucky’s shoulder. The former Hydra Assassin looked at Clint with a pensive frown and then followed his gaze up to the starless black haze of D.C’s sky. 

“The moment the verdict is read in court, Thor’s buddy will let him know if it’s anything but Not Guilty, in which case the mighty Thunder God will show up hammer and all in the court room, grab you and Steve, then zoom back to Asgaurd, his land of old Norse magic and golden halls and shit.......” He turned back to Bucky who’s mouth was open, brow furrowed in disbelief. Barton sighed as he brought his hand up to ruffle the shocked man’s short messy hair. “ You’ll be safe there..... and Stark, with help from Fury and Agent Hill, will work with congress to get an official pardon, that will most likely come with a requirement that you join forces with S.H.E.I.L.D, which will really just be you kicking it with us at Stark’s Tower.” Clint turned once more to face him fully, offering a sympathetic smile at Bucky’s overwhelmed expression. “And if and when you feel battle ready,...... feel up to joining us in the field, I, and every one of theses head cases we call a team, will be honored to have you fighting at our side!...... Got it?” Hawkeye’s tone was serious and genuine, his eyes offering strength and courage.

Bucky blinked a few times and swallowed, brow still furled as he let out a shaky laugh and nodded, eyes closing tight as Barton brought him in for a one arm hug, mindful of his injured shoulder.

“It will be okay Serg,...... you’ve made it this far!..... Not gonna let twelve idiots and a bunch of media chimpanzees take you away!...... Your one of us now pal!” Clint backed up and rubbed the side of Bucky’s head as the Sargent rolled his eyes and playfully shoved him off. “Now get some rest!......... And don’t let Dad catch you with that Smoke!” Hawkeye warned with a smirk before gracefully leaping over the balcony, swinging back down to his own. He pushed a button and the grappling hook detached and snapped back into his hands as he saluted the man above before heading back inside. 

Bucky chuckled slightly and saluted back then took a long final drag before putting it out. He looked up at the sky with a heavy breath, chest feeling tight as he shook his head.

“As much as I’d like to meet ya big fella,..... I sure hope it’s not in the courtroom.” He saluted the sky and did a double take as out of nowhere a lone star shown bright, twinkling before disappearing once again. Bucky gasped and covered his mouth shaking his head. The world he knew was gone and so was the man he once was, but maybe who he was now could be apart of this new age, of Gods, robots, monsters, Aliens and Ninja like spies. He smiled weakly as he ran his hand through his hair stepping back inside. He sat heavily on the couch and leaned back, eyes wide open as he contemplated the uncertainty of his near future.

............................................................................................................................................   
The next morning Steve helped Bucky dress in a Suite, his arm still sore but the wound healing rapidly. He had wanted to avoid the sling but Bruce insisted on at least one more day and Pepper stated that they had to make sure the public didn’t think they fabricated his self-injury. Bucky grumbled but accepted their reasons. He leaned his forehead against the cool glass pain of the limo window, watching as the police kept back the hoards of people who no longer looked like they wanted to tear him apart but now were more curious, cameras out, hoping to get a picture despite the dark tinted windows. He listened as Stark explained to Steve Plan B after Barton had told him about the night before. Steve seemed unsure and resistant at first, asking a million questions, most of which Tony couldn’t answer, leading to both men becoming exasperated with the other as Sam and Natasha reassured Steve and Bruce and Pepper calmed down Tony, Clint chuckling as he caught Bucky’s eye, the two exchanging looks. Bucky returned the smirk and looked back out the window, facing the masses of people eager to get a glimpse of the tortured and tragic killer, the POW turned Assassin turned helpless victim. The thought of their sentiment made his gut twist and he spoke absently out loud, drawing the attention of the car with out purpose.

“I don’t know which is worse,.... when they hated me...... or now,.... when they pity me.” He spoke bitterly as he swallowed, feeling a hand on his shoulder.

“Bucky...” Steve spoke with concern but was cut off by Natasha’s matter of fact tone.

“Barnes,..... self loathing doesn’t suite you!....... Now stop pouting and get your head in the game,.... What happened to you does NOT define you,..... what you do with your life now,.... that is what matters,...... This is your chance to prove to all those people out there that you are the amazing, strong, and heroic man that Cap and the rest of this dream team have been telling them you are for months now!...... Man up Sgt!” Natasha leaned over grabbing him by the back of his head with eyes that demanded he take her advice. He looked at her a little bewildered and then nodded sheepishly with unsure eyes.

“Yes Mam’am!” Bucky stuttered, sounding like a scolded school boy. She smiled and kissed him on his forehead then sat back in her seat, the others all fixing her with startled looks of disbelief, Clint simply smirking with amusement. Bucky swallowed and shook his head with a small smile as he exchanged a look with Steve who had wide eyes, closing his mouth as he looked from Natasha to Bucky.

“The Black Widow always knows how to get directly to the point doesn’t she!” Stark surmised as Pepper nodded, exchanging a smile with Natasha.

“Yea,..... she has a way with words alright!” Sam huffed as he glanced at Bucky who was staring at his shoes, Steve’s arm wrapped around Bucky as he rest his head on his friend’s shoulder carefully.

“Here man,..... I got you something.” Sam held out a blue oval shaped object. Bucky looked at it with curiosity and then took it with his flesh arm, examining the strange object. “It’s a stress ball,..... you can squeeze it in your hand when you feel like everything is getting to be too much.” Sam smiled and nodded. Bucky looked at the ball then gave it a few squeezes, understanding instantly the gratifying and calming sensation. He smiled softly and nodded at Sam. 

“Thanks Sam.” Bucky let out a deep breath as the limo came to a stop and he looked out at the gathered sea of people, parted by barricades and police. The flashing of cameras was already almost blinding and he rubbed his face.

“Do you want me to put my coat over your head Bucky?” Steve asked softly with concern as he watched his friend’s nervous gaze, his hand already squeezing the ball rapidly. Bucky took another deep breath then looked over at the others, eyes landing on Natasha.

“Nah,...... I am gonna walk out there and show ‘em who I am,.... not a monster,.... and not some chicken shit, whack job,...... they need to see me as a man!” Bucky sighed again, still nervous but receiving an encouraging smile and nod from the others.

“Okay,..... But we keep you in the middle,...... Bruce, Clint you take the lead,..... lets do this!” Steve switched into Captain mode and the door opened, the roar of voices and onslaught of camera flashes crashing against them like a wave.


	29. Blind Justice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry yall busy few days. So I have Bucky zoning out a bit and falling back into the Soldier state of mind. Picture him from the movie when we see him sitting blankly in the chair before Pierce backhands him. Also in an interview with Sebastian Stan about the blankness, and empty look, he expressed that he saw the Soldier as the opposite of blank, that he had thoughts racing in his mind, that his expression was lost in inner thought rather then aware of his surroundings. That’s how I am depicting Bucky during that part of this chapter. So, hope it communicates well.

Bucky sat stiffly in his chair as the day of court slowly and painfully progressed. The Defense called to the stand a number of Doctors and Psychiatrists who had observed Sargent Barns while he was at S.H.E.I.L.D as well as Bucky’s own Psychiatrist. The medical professionals were all in agreement about the various diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, Battered Person Syndrome, Depression and Anxiety. The doctors explained their diagnosis and the defense entered into evidence surveillance footage recorded from when the defendant was still trapped in the mindset of the Asset, kneeling before the Avengers and pleading to be punished for not understanding how to be Bucky Barnes. The next video was an edited version of when Hydra attacked the tower, showing only the Soldier fighting back and carrying The Black Widow away, stumbling with three tranquilizer darts in his back. The final video clips entered into evidence were of Bucky at the Tower during some of his flash backs, mumbling gibberish or screaming as he cowered, hiding away from Steve and the others. The video clips, pictures of his attempted self amputation, along with in-depth testimony of the psychological turmoil, physiological drug with drawl and long term detrimental effects of repeated Cryo freezing and mind wipes, were all laid out before the jury who no longer stared at Bucky with animosity or fear but instead with disturbed grimaces and looks of pity. 

Despite the burning shame and nauseous pit in his stomach, Bucky remained stoic through out the daylong examination of his fearful, self-defacing and painful recovery from the mindless and obedient Hydra weapon to the slightly less volatile Bucky Barnes. All the evidence presented in court had been reviewed with the Sargent during the months leading up to the trial and yet despite prior knowledge of what would be submitted to the Jury, he still could not help but feel laid bare and exposed for the world to see, his pride battered and his face red with humility. At times he turned away and squeezed his eyes shut, unable to watch himself trembling and cowering in a corner or screaming in Russian as he hit his head and rocked. He could feel the eyes of the Juriers on him like hot coals burning through him and by the end of the day, he was no longer able to hold his head up or make eye contact, walking out to the limo in a daze, eyes glazed and unfocused.

 

………………………………………………………………………………………………

 

He was silent on the ride back, feeling numb and cold. He shivered slightly and flinched when Steve laid his hand gently on his shoulder then mumbled an apology. The Avengers did not push him, aware of just how difficult the day in court had been, one more painful and humiliating experience to add to his endless list. As they made their way into their temporary sanctuary, Bucky was withdrawn and offered no verbal communication, simply staring off blankly with a troubled look. He complied robotically with Bruce’s request to examine his shoulder wound that was mostly healed but very sore and tender. He sat motionless in a chair, empty gaze, lost and unfocused and expression blank as Bruce carefully examined the injury, glancing from his patient to Steve with a slightly concerned look. When he told Bucky that the wound was healing well he received no reply but noticed the stiff tremor that ran through the Sargent’s body when he placed a comforting hand on his bare back. 

After the check up Bucky remained docile and compliant, allowing himself to be lead back to his living quarters where Steve helped him finish disrobing. The Captain watched him with a concerned frown, aware that the stress of the day had caused Bucky to revert back into the obedient, emotionally numb mindset of the Winter Soldier. Steve felt his gut cramp at the distant look in his friend’s eyes and the solemn yet neutral expression on his tired face. Steve sighed as he guided Bucky through the movements of undressing and was startled when he finally heard his friend utter a raspy, mumbled whisper. He stated with a flat, monotone voice that he needed to shower, eyes fixed on the floor. Steve nodded in understanding but then sheepishly insisted that the bathroom door be left open to which Bucky simply nodded, keeping his eyes on the ground. 

Standing under the spray, he let the beating water pour around him as thoughts raced through his mind. The water ran down his face and body and he felt as though he was drowning in the constant flow of painful memories, the cold numbness dissolved into a furnace of raw emotions. Self-hatred and disgust turned in his stomach and before he knew it, he was crouched over throwing up as he sobbed between wrenches. He trembled and sputtered and emptied his stomach with guttural cries until he felt empty and hollow. When at last he was able to breath, he blinked the water from his eyes and focused on his surroundings, realizing that the shower had stopped and Steve was crouched next to the tub, wrapping a towel around his trembling shoulders and whispering reassurances. He looked up at his friend with surprise and confusion, realizing that he had become lost in the haze of pain and self loathing, breaking from reality as his body revolted against the horrific and over bearing feelings of shame and worthlessness. Steve met his eyes and then smiled sadly as he too realized that Bucky had not even been aware of his presence. With gentle patience, Steve helped him stand, wrapping the towel around his waist and Bucky smirked bitterly as he realized just how often Steve had to help him with a task as simple as cleaning himself. He stepped out of the tub and pushed Steve away with a frown and a shake of his head, sick and tired of feeling vulnerable and needy. He headed for his own room with Steve on his heels and when he turned around he offered an apologetic half smile and another shake of his head, silently stating a need for isolation before shutting the door as he looked away from Steve’s desperate concern and desire to help him.

............................................................................................................................................

The next day was far worse despite Bucky’s resolve to once more remain composed and hold on to his shreds of dignity. He had been quiet and distant that morning, offering nods and short answers, keeping a pensive frown on his face as he attempted to mentally prepare himself for another grueling day of trial, shrugging off Steve’s hand as he tried to offer comfort. The others gave him space, understanding that he was struggling to keep himself together but Steve couldn’t stop glancing at him with worried eyes and an anxsious expression, even after Sam not so subtlety told him to quit it.

At court that day the Defense called up a few different technical specialist, engineers and a Neuroscientist from S.H.E.I.L.D, all of whom had been examining the cryo tanks and maintenance chairs found recently in international raids on Hydra bases. Bucky had been very still during the initial testimonies, focused, as before on a spot directly in front of him on the table. It unnerved Steve the way Bucky remained so still, eyes down and head lowered and he glanced at his best friend cautiously more often then he watched the juriers’ reactions to the various experts. Bucky, for his part, maintained a neutral expression, face a mask of calmness even as his eyes shown bright fear underlined with fatigue and his jaw twitched, teeth clenched. In his hand under the table the stress ball was being crushed and his chest felt tight and constricted.

Bucky thought he was prepared for the evidence as he knew it would be examined in the courtroom that day, but when they actually wheeled in one of each torturous device, his body tensed up and his vision blurred in and out. The sound in the room was drowned out by the fire and crackle of thousands of volts of electricity and the echo of harsh Russian orders barked as a freezing chill raked through his body. He felt the tightness squeeze his pounding heart and his eyes grew wide as his breathing choked, a look of terror replacing his mask of calm. He trembled in his seat as he gasped for breath, frantic eyes darting from the Chair to the Cryo Tank. It was obvious to all present that he was in the midst of a panic attack as one of his lawyers placed a hand on his shoulder and Bucky yelled falling out of his chair and crawling backwards desperate to get away from the hated machinery. He cried out through clenched teeth, hands gripped in his hair and eyes full of desperate horror and unspeakable pain as he pushed up against the far wall. He was curled in on him self and pleading in both Russian and English as Steve was instantly at his side along with Sam and Natasha. 

The Judge in his wisdom ordered the court room to be silent so as not to exacerbate the already unhinged man and with the help of his friends, Steve guided Bucky to stand and stumble out of the court room even as he begged in broken languages not to go back to the chair and tank. His trembling voice was half desperate growl and half anguished whimper as he repeating over and over again in both languages that it hurt and he was so cold. Once out of the court room, Steve, Sam and Natasha got Bucky into the nearest bathroom where he remained for almost an hour, a mumbling mess of pitiful pleading and promises to be good. Steve held him tightly in his arms on the floor as Natasha spoke to him in Russian and Sam spoke in English, both trying to help bring him back to the present. When at last his breathing had calmed and his wild, wet eyes blinked in recognition of who they were and where he was, he pushed away from Steve and buried his face in his hands with a haggard groan and shudder. Steve pat his back and they spoke to him with calm reassurances until he finally looked up with red rimmed eyes.

“Shit,..... I freaked out,...... I lost it in there!....... Now they know I am a fucking mess,..... They know I cant be let free!” He huffed with anger at himself as he shook his head bitterly. Natasha knelt before him and stroked his face until he begrudgingly met her understanding and thoughtful expression.

“You did freak out,....... but you were not violent,...... you were scared,...... terrified...... If anything they will know with out a doubt that you were a captive, held against your will,...... You’re reaction in there explains more then any of those expert witnesses ever could about how terrible it was to be subjected to that,...... to suffer as Hydra’s weapon.” Natasha offered him an honest and truthful sentiment that was supported by both Steve and Sam. Bucky thought about what she said and finally nodded before looking back up at Steve with pleading eyes, swallowing down his agonizing humility as his voice broke.

“I .... I can’t go back in there Stevie,... please!...... Not with those things in there,......I…I can’t look at ….. at…..!” Bucky’s voice trembled and Steve nodded as he gripped the back of his friend’s neck and pressed their foreheads together.   
‘  
“It’s okay Buck,...... Just breath Pal!” Steve reassured as Natasha rose to her feet to go inform the lawyers that Bucky needed to be excused during testimony for the remainder of the day. She was back only moments later with a nod and then gestured with her head.

“Limo’s waiting, common, everything is fine and the Juge has granted him leave for the remainder of today’s court session.” Steve nodded and with Sam’s help, they hoisted Bucky up on wobbly legs and headed for the door. Pepper and Clint were there waiting and as they approached the exit Bucky resisted, his face betraying his desperate need to hide his anxiety and fear from the onslaught of cameras outside. With out a moment’s hesitation Natasha grabbed Clint’s coat that he was already shrugging off and draped it over Bucky’s head and shoulders, concealing his panic stricken face, stroking it once more with genuine compassion.

“I’m staying here with Banner and Stark, we’ll see you guys back at home base.” Clint nodded and Natasha stood next to him indicating the same. Steve smiled his thanks beneath emotional eyes before they marched through the gauntlet of media frenzy, Pepper in the lead. The flashes were almost blinding and the roar of voices deafening. Bucky felt disjointed, his body moving stiffly as everything around him was overwhelming and surreal. Pepper opened the limo door and Steve guided Bucky inside with Sam’s help. With a tight smile and nod Pepper shut the door turning around to face the barge of reporters and spectators, answering questions as to why Sargent Barnes was leaving court, offering candidly that the evidence submitted that day was too emotionally painful for the Sargent to remain. 

Inside the escaping limo Steve tried to pull the jacket away from Bucky’s head but he grunted and kept it over him like a blanket, pulling his legs up as he shivered, the sound of his teeth chattering muffled beneath it. Steve looked at Sam with questioning eyes and Sam simply nodded and gestured with his hand to let him be. They remained silent the rest of the ride back and once there, Bucky was guided into the building with the jacket still covering his face, unwilling to expose his shattered expression. 

When they entered their living quarters Bucky finally dropped the jacket stumbling forward with a choked gasp and a groan of anguished despair as he began pacing on unsteady legs, hands gripping his hair. With each heavy step he gasped desperately for air, chest tight as his wide, panicked eyes grew wet with fresh tears. Sam remained at a distance and watched as Steve tried to comfort his distressed friend but Bucky shoved him away with a harsh cry, face twisted in pain and anxiety as he felt the weight of his tormented memories crashing over him again and again. He pulled on his short brown hair and squeezed his eyes tight as his tense body shook. After another moment of staggering around the room he paused, swaying in the center as a gut wrenching cry tour through his trembling form. He was drowning in the distorted fragments of agonizing thought and emotionally pungent memory. His head was spinning as he became lost in the realness of his flashbacks, the sounds and smells, the feel of electricity ripping through his skull and the bone chilling ice that froze the desperate scream in his lugs. He gasped and gritted his teeth, hissing against the onslaught of remembered torture, of hopeless resignation and battered acceptance of his endless suffering. When he could no longer fight against the flood of relived hell, he finally dropped heavily onto the floor, kneeling with his face in his hands as he shook with silent sobs. Steve crouched next to him and even through Bucky struggled away from him, he eventually relented and collapsed against his friend’s embrace, repeating over and over again that he was ‘sorry’ as he sobbed in Steve’s arms. Sam sat near by in a chair with a compassionate expression as Steve swallowed down his own sorrow and heart ach for his emotionally devastated brother.

............................................................................................................................................

 

The following day Bucky awoke in his own bed with Steve wrapped protectively around him, both in sweats and tee shirts. Bucky shifted with a sigh, rubbing his face as memory of the day before crashed over him. Steve slowly shifted up on to his elbow and looked down at Bucky with such deep concern and heart ach that Bucky almost laughed, wanting to tell Steve not to waste such devotion on a wretched, pathetic coward. Instead he just sighed and offered a small smile and swallowed before he spoke.

“Sorry,...... for not keeping it together yesterday.” He grimaced at the memory of his own weakness and Steve offered a soft smile as he rubbed Bucky’s flesh hand.

“You have been keeping us both together for as long as I’ve known you,......And even if you fall apart now,.... I will help you pick up the pieces........ You can do this Bucky,...... Just a few more days pal and I promise,.... no matter what the verdict is you will be free and I will be by your side,...... ‘Till the end of the line right?” Steve spoke with such love and certainty that Bucky felt humbled and couldn’t help but offer a small smile, eyes shinning with admiration and appreciation for the friend who refused to give up on him. 

“What I’d do in life to earn such a stubborn Punk for a best friend ehe Rogers?” Bucky smirked as he sat up stiffly.

“Well, being a first class Jerk that never left my side during a fight probably had something to do with it.” Steve mused and the two chuckled, Steve rubbing Bucky’s back and offering a gentle squeeze on his flesh shoulder.  
............................................................................................................................................

 

That day in Court each Avenger took the stand in Bucky’s defense, expressing their thoughts and feelings about the trustworthiness, courage and other strengths of Sargent Barnes’ character. They answered the questions of both the defense lawyers and the prosecution, determined to express their sincere admiration for the once feared and despised Hydra Assassin. The Prosecutor tried his best to force confessions that Bucky was capable of uncontrolled, violent outbursts and that his triggers were unpredictable, but each team member stood their ground and declared that he was no more a threat then any other PTSD Vet and that he was not a threat as long as he was safely in their custody, explaining that the Avengers had been helping him with his recovery for the better part of a year with out serious incident. When asked if he ever attacked any of them during flash backs or dissociative breaks they deflected the questions by stating that they knew how to handle him and he was not violent just defensive, trying to protect himself from the hellish pain he was subjected to.

When the Prosecutor asked Dr. Banner if Bucky’s biochemistry had been compromised and how that could make him erratic and unpredictable, Bruce simply shrugged and said he could say the same for himself. He instead went on to express confidence in Sargent Barnes’ ability to overcome and recover, restating the remarkable way in which his brain tissue had been healing from years of chemical manipulation and electrical trauma. With Sam the Attorney tried to coerce a damning statement about the battle during project insight and how Bucky very nearly killed him. Sam replied that the consciousness persona that had attacked him was that of the Winter Soldier and not Sargent Barnes. He went on to state that he had been amazed how quickly the lethal identity of Hydra’s weapon, once free of their control and safely sheltered by the Avengers, had almost immediately regressed from violent into confused and almost child like in his demeanor. 

Clint took on more of a spiteful tone with the lawyer who was quickly losing his case against Hydra’s former Weapon. Each answer he gave was backhanded and cutting at the Lawyer’s integrity and when he was asked the question, ‘Would You trust a man who once killed for Hydra to watch your back in the felid?’ Hawk Eye replied with absolute certainty and fierceness in his tone that was intimidating. 

“I would trust Sargent Barnes to cover my back and fight along side me any day, any time and anyplace!.... Can’t say the same for you through,.... you strike me as the sorta guy that would be too busy saving yer own sorry hid, more focused on figuring out who to blame, pointing out problems instead of solving them!” Clint shrugged when the Lawyer objected and smirked as he took a gulp of water. 

Steve’s testimony had been bullet proof and offered no room for doubt, his eyes daring the Prosecutor to challenge him or say anything slanderous about his best friend. He responded to each question with unwavering faith and support of Bucky, remaining absolute and stead fast in his responses to even the most challenging questions that suggested Bucky could once more be manipulated and turned into a weapon. Steve had spoken with a sharp and dangerous tone, declaring that he would never again allow any harm to come to his friend and that he would do what ever he had to do to protect him against anyone who threatened his safety or tried to take him against his will. He was careful in his choice of words but the message was clear and the Jury shifted in their seats aware that Captain America was indirectly including them as a potential threat to the welfare the Sargent.

However even with the strength of each character witness, there were moments that were difficult, truths that the prosecution tried to exploit to their advantage like the fact that Natasha had been shot twice by the Winter Soldier and that he was directly responsible for Howard and Marie Stark’s death. Natasha had kept her cool, controlled demeanor, answering each question with casual confidence, undaunted by the manipulative tactics of the prosecution. 

Stark however got defensive and sarcastic, at one point calling the prosecutor a “vindictive little Wessel” and a “media whore,” when he was questioned about how he could possibly defend the man responsible for his parent’s deaths unless he was grateful that he no longer had to live in his father’s shadow. Tony had erupted at that point and the courtroom became a shouting match as Stark’s legal team objected and The judge demanded order in the court. Bucky sat ridged in his seat, hand squeezing the stress ball rapidly as he worked on controlling his breathing and not glaring daggers at the prosecutor, aware that his menacing expression would not help his case.

At the end of court that day the Avengers waited in the car as Stark addressed the multiple media outlets who eagerly shoved cameras and microphones in his face as Pepper held onto his arm, reminding him to keep his head level. Stark fumed about the insensitive and despicable remarks made by the prosecution regarding his relationship with his mother and father, unable to keep his emotions from pouring out.

“For that man to imply that I was glad that my father and mother were killed, that I was eager to inherit Stark industries and was jealous of my father’s success is not only a load of horse shit, it’s offensive to my family, to Stark Industries and everything we have created. I am disgusted by the prosecution’s blatant attempt to provoke a volatile response that might somehow help their utterly futile case to depict Sargent Barnes and anyone who stands by his side as heartless, self serving and ruthless....... I have forgiven James Buchanan Barnes‘ role in my parents death for one simple reason, ….it was not his willful decision, he had no choice, no ability to understand his actions...... And when he did finally remember what had happened,.... how he had been forced to arrange the car accident that took my parents life,..... he literally collapsed on the floor in despair and begged my forgiveness, overcome with grief and remorse....... My father, Howard Stark, worked with Captain Steven Grant Rogers and the other Howling Commando’s during the war,....... Sargent Barnes and my father were more then just allies, they were friends......... If that doesn’t prove his lack of culpability for Hydra’s crimes,.... Then Justice truly is blind!” Stark fumed as he turned and walked abruptly with Pepper at his side as they entered the Limo.

They sat in silence as it pulled away from the media circus and after a few deep breaths, Tony swallowed and took off his sunglasses, rubbing his red eyes, jaw twitching. He looked up as he felt a hand on his knee and saw Bucky leaning forward with a similar expression, jaw taunt and a torrent of emotions in his blue eyes.

“It’s almost over Sargent,..... And then that sniveling piece of shit will loose his job if it takes every fucking cent I own!” Stark huffed bitterly and Pepper kissed him on the cheek, the others remaining silent


	30. Not an Asset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry ya’ll crazy week.... Only a few chapters left.

It was the final day of the defenses’ case arguing that Sargent Barnes was not guilty by reason of mental Impairment on multiple counts of murder, international terrorism, War crimes, and adding and abiding criminal activity. In the court of public opinion, the once feared and hated Assassin, considered a crusader for world domination under the tyrannical rule of an Evil Shadow organization, was now referred to as a victim and POW who suffered a lifetime of cruelty and endless torment at Hydra’s hands. However, it was also painfully evident that he was still considered a credible and very lethal threat and for that reason, controversy had broken out amongst the news casters and citizens alike as to weather he should be given his freedom at the potential cost of more innocent lives. Now the police barricades had to be set up to divide the two sides of public discourse. Signs were held and slogans were chanted in support of his freedom and against it.

As the Avengers made their way through the crowd Bucky glanced up at the signs with his war time photo, a smug grin on his face under naive eyes, dressed in uniform and looking like an all American boy. Old men, vets from WWII dressed in uniform, some in wheel chairs, saluted him as others held up American flags and signs that read “Sargent Barnes is an American Hero,” “ He’s a Man not a Monster,” and “Free your mind and your Heart will follow!” Bucky swallowed down the swell of emotion and nodded at the gathering of supporters, Saluting back as he followed Steve and Tony toward the court house stairs, the others right behind him. 

He was shocked out of his reverence for his fellow veterans when suddenly a Bucket of ice water was hurled at him from the other side as angry voices shouted, “Send him back to Russia!,......He’s a commie traitor and a coward!.........A threat to American Security!........ Baby Killer!.... Terrorist Scum!” The police acted fast to subdue the attackers but the Avengers acted faster, Sam and Steve grabbing a stunned and soaking wet Bucky as they raced up the stairs, Pepper already at the top holding the door open with concerned sympathy as the others followed behind, Stark using a force felid projector to cover the team from any other potential attacks.

The moment they were all inside Steve and Sam pulled a slightly shivery Bucky toward the bathroom, his usual retreat, Banner on their heels. Stark got on the phone to Happy asking for him to bring a new dry suite as Pepper went back out to address the News crews, Natasha at her side for protection, Clint guarding the bathroom door. Bucky was still blinking and shaking his head with a shiver as Steve hastily began stripping off his icy cold and wet suite, grumbling about how they chose the coldest day of the month to pull the stunt. Sam was speaking in calm, direct words to get Bucky’s attention as the Sargent looked at him with confusion as if unsure what had happened. Bruce had his scanner out and was monitoring his core temperature and accepting the wet cloths being stripped off, hanging them on the sink.

“Bucky,...... You with us?..... Your with your friends,..... It’s Sam Wilson,.... Steve is here and so is Dr. Banner,..... we are in the Court house bathroom.......” Sam offered one hand on Bucky’s face, eyes locked and trying to bring him back.

“C..c..cold” Bucky’s teeth chattered as he swayed on his feet offering no resistance while Steve peeled away his wet under shirt having already removed the jacket, tie and dress shirt.

“It’s okay Bucky,.... we are gonna get you warmed up!” Sam offered using the same gentle tone, searching the confused and frightened eyes that met with his. Bruce shrugged out of his own jacket and wrapped it around Bucky’s bare shoulders as he shivered, Steve pulling down the pants and Sam holding his arm to keep him balanced as Steve lifted one leg then the other.

“We...... we’re in the court house?” Bucky stuttered as he blinked again looking around him as Steve accepted paper towels from Bruce and began rubbing Bucky’s wet hair to dry it.

“Yes,...... Some assholes threw a bucket of Ice water at you on the way in.” Sam explained with sad eyes but a gentle smile as Bucky swallowed and nodded, looking down at him self and pulling the coat tighter, suddenly aware that he was standing in his boxers, soaks and shoes. He looked up after a moment at the three concerned faces who were standing close by but no longer touching, trying to give him space. They were caught off guard when a bewildered smile crept up Bucky’s exhausted face and he shook his head with a chuckle.

“Well now what?...... I gotta go to Court naked!.....Sheesh and I thought I was embarrassed before!” Bucky groaned as Steve let out a huff of a laugh and pulled him into a hug, thankful that Bucky was at least present and aware of his surroundings. Sam chuckled and Bruce offered that Stark would make sure a fresh set of cloths were brought.

“Too bad,....” Bucky sighed as he stepped back running his flesh hand through his messy wet hair, a smirk on his face under tired eyes. “ Jurier number 7 has been making eyes at me all week,..... Bet she would love to get a peak at the goods!” Bucky muttered in an attempt to lighten the mood and Steve wiped his face with a bark of a laugh, Sam chuckling and even Banner grinned to himself as he looked down and shook his head. Bucky was resilient, and a little ice water would not keep him from facing the last and final day of his court hearing. He turned toward the mirror and sighed as he met his own eyes, gaze sharp and determined as he nodded.

“I can do this........ I can do this.” He swallowed, jaw locked and expression strong, willing himself to prepare for his testimony, his chance to explain once and for all that he was not a monster, a living weapon, the Winter Soldier. He was Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, and he was taking back his life.

............................................................................................................................................

Bucky sat on the witness stand, metal hand hidden in his lap, flesh one holding onto a glass of water. His eyes fluttered up as he glanced over at the Juriers who each watched him with nervous apprehension, as if he was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. He swallowed and looked over at Steve and the Avengers who offered comforting smiles and nods of encouragement. He let out a shaky breath and looked directly at his Lawyer, blinking as he focused on the man’s words.

“Please state your name for the record.” The lawyer spoke with a calm, even tone, offering his own slight smile and nod of reassurance.

“My name is James Buchanan Barnes,..... but my friends call me Bucky.” He offered a shy smile as he looked back at Steve who smirked with kind, hopeful eyes. 

“Thank you, and what was your rank during your time in the US military?”

“I was a Sargent in the 107th platoon during World War II and then joined a special unite called the Howling Commandos lead by Captain Steven Grant Rogers.” Bucky was breathing calmly and his voice was steady and certain.

“And what was the purpose of this special unite?” 

“We were part of The Strategic Science Reserve under Col. Phillips, and our purpose was to take out the Nazi’s Weapon’s Division,..... Hydra.” His voice had remained flat and even except when he utter the last words, a slight grimace crossed his face and he said the name with venomous contempt.

“So, during the War you viewed Hydra as an enemy correct?” The Lawyer asked the obvious question with the intention of encouraging his client to elaborate his feelings for the despised organization.

“More then that!...... The Nazi’s were doing God awful things over in Europe and we thought of them as enemies, but they where also people. The German’s might have been following orders from a maniac, but they still were folks like us, people with mothers and fathers, sons and daughters,..... but we had to stop them,..... THEY were the enemy...... Hydra,.....” Bucky spat the name and shook his head as he looked away with a scowl. “Hydra was something worse,..... they wern’t just people following orders under a crazy leader,..... they were a cult,...... fanatics that lived and breathed this crazy ideology,...... they are evil,......every last one of em!..... Rotten to the core and willing to destroy every thing and every one with no hesitation,.... no remorse!” Bucky swallowed as he looked back up at the lawyer who nodded with a thoughtful frown and turned toward the Jury.

“You were a sniper in the military is that right?” The Lawyer asked and Bucky nodded. “You took it upon your self to cover Captain America and the other Howling Commandos when they went behind enemy lines?”

Yea well,.... some one had to cover The Captain’s back since he was always too busy running head first into trouble...... That super soldier serum might have changed something’s but that was nothing new!” Bucky chuckled and saw Steve roll his eyes with a smirk.

“You were use to watching over Captain Rogers since you two were friends from childhood?” The lawyer continued.

“Yup,..... spent a lot of my free time hanging around with Steve in Red Hook. Learned I had to get good at fighting guys bigger then me cuze my best friend took it upon himself to stand up to every loud mouth and mean mug he met!...... Kept me on my toes that’s fer sure!” He smirked at Steve who sheepishly smiled back with a shrug.

“You protected him,..... like a brother?” 

“Yea,......guess I always felt like Steve had it rough,..... what with losing his Dad in the first War and being so sick all the time...... He had a good head on his shoulders and a good heart! Was stronger and smarter then any body gave him credit for and he deserved to have somebody in his corner,.... Was a honor to be that guy!” Bucky spoke with sincerity and nodded at Steve who met his eyes with a look of appreciation and respect.

“Is that why you decided to join the Howling Commandos,.... instead of heading back home once the 107th were rescued?” The lawyer asked with a calm voice aware that the direction they were heading would be emotionally difficult for the defendant. Bucky shrugged and looked away as his jaw twitched.

“Couldn’t leave Stevie over there fighting those bastards on his own,...... After,...... after what happened at the POW camp,..... after the hell Zola put me through,..... I knew that if they got their hands on Captain America they would use him like a lab rat!..... Couldn’t stand the thought of it!” Bucky sighed as he glanced at Steve then away as he swallowed.

“You are referring to experimentation is that correct,....... bio-chemical and electrical manipulation of your cellular structure that was conducted against your will by the hands of one Dr. Armin Zola during the months you were held captive as a POW?” The lawyer led the conversation and Bucky simply nodded, keeping his eyes down as he reached for the glass of water.

“Do you know why you were singled out by Dr. Zola to receive his own version of the Super Soldier serum?” The lawyer kept his tone even and neutral even as Bucky shifted in his seat with a resentful frown, eyes distant and gaze fixed on the glass of water.

“Not sure really,....... Maybe cuze I tried to fight back,........ and when they beat the daylights out of me,...... and I got sick with Phenomena,..... I didn’t just give up and die like they thought I would...... I held on...... Maybe I shouldn’t have.” Bucky sighed, sounding as old as he felt and not looking up at Steve, aware of the expression he would receive.

“Did you know what Dr. Zola was doing to you, what the purpose of his experimentation was?” Bucky swallowed and shook his head with a grimace, eyes still locked on the glass of water in his hand. When he spoke his voice was distant.

“Just knew it hurt like hell,..... was hard to think,..... hard to breath through the pain,.......... Body felt hot and cold,..... burning and freezing at the same time,........ brain felt like mush,....... all I could do was keep repeating my name, rank and serial number,..... felt like if I didn’t.......” He swallowed the lump in his throat and closed his eyes as he shook his head before opening them back up with a hateful expression. “I knew I was slipping,....... didn’t know why but,..... I could feel my mind getting soft,.... like I wasn’t sure what was real,....... who I was or why I was strapped to that god damn table........ But then Steve found me.” He looked up with a sigh and a sad smile, meeting his friends pained expression. “Once I saw that ugly mug staring down at me,......everything came back into focus,....... I remember half thinking it was a dream,... cuze he was suppose to be in Brooklyn and he was never this big, tall guy but,..... at that point I didn’t care if it was real or not. I just wanted to get away from the pain,...... still took a few more days after that for everything to finally feel real again,..... for me to stop doubting that it really happened and that Steve had helped me and the rest of the 107th escape.” Bucky’s voice was thoughtful as he recalled the distant memory that in many ways felt like only a few years ago.

“And after only two weeks of medical leave you were cleared for active duty is that correct?” The lawyer looked over a medical record and held it up once Bucky nodded. “The Defense enters exhibit J-23 into evidence,.... the medical evaluation of Sargent James Buchannan Barnes by the Military Doctors on base in Italy and the follow up report from a medical team in England. It states that after examining the patient there were no obvious residual effects from his torture and that he passed his physical with only recommendations that he be given high protein rations to help with slight malnourishment...... The Doctors at that time lacked the medical technology that we have today and so were unable to recognize how his DNA had been altered. They go on to say that he is remarkably resilient but his ability to heal at an accelerated rate was not recognized because by the time he was first examined, three days had passed from when Captain Rogers had first discovered him in the Hydra lab and the worse of his physical injuries had faded.” The lawyer handed the file over and then looked up at Bucky.

“Did it surprise you that the Doctors cleared you for duty?” The lawyer asked and Bucky swallowed and looked away shaking his head.

“In all honesty Sir,..... I didn’t really tell them how bad it had been,..... I figured if they knew how much pain I had been in and how I was fine after they’d wanna keep me around and do tests or something and....” He sighed and shook his head. “I felt all jittery just letting them look me over,......Didn’t wanna spend another second on an exam table after being Zola’s genie pig!....... And I didn’t want to think about it, just ….. kinda wanted to forget it ever happened....... Had to get back out there and watch Steve’s back so he didn’t end up with a Nazi bullet in his thick skull or worse.......get taken by Hydra.” Bucky rubbed his face feeling tired.

“Did Captain Rogers ever ask you about what had happened?.... About what Zola had done to you during your captivity?” The lawyer asked and Buck shrugged.

“Like I said,..... didn’t wanna think about it and told him as much.......Would wake up some nights in a cold sweat or screaming and he would try and get me to talk about it but...” Bucky shook his head. “It was War,...... a lot of us had nightmares,........ just kept it to ourselves....... And Steve had enough to worry about,......... I just played it off and acted like it was fine,.... like I was fine......” Bucky bit his lip as he looked down at his flesh hand.

“But you weren’t fine, were you Sargent?” The lawyer asked sympathetically and Bucky snickered at his tone as he looked up with a bitter smirk.

“Nah,..... I was kinda a mess,.......but kept a flask in my pocket and took  
a swig when ever I felt my mind wandering or my hands start to shake...... Steve needed me there,..... I had to keep it together for him and for our men,...... Had to be stronger then I felt.... Kept telling my self that when the War was over I could let it all go,...... That none of the shit would matter anymore and I could feel like myself again,...... guess I was lying to myself just like I was to Steve and the doctors,..... but it was the only thing I could do,........” He shrugged again with a melancholy expression.

“And then you went on a mission with Captain America to hi-jack a Train transporting Dr. Zola,...... the mission where you were believed to have fallen to your death..... I know that this is difficult Sargent,...... But I need you to tell us what happened that day and how you ended up once more as a Captive of Hydra.” The lawyer spoke slowly and Bucky’s shoulders slumped as he sighed and took a drink of water, eyes down cast and hand beginning to visibly shake. He looked up after a long moment, an expression of wariness and resignation on his exhausted features. He looked impossibly young and yet haggard and old, worn from years of unspeakable pain and suffering. He looked over toward the jury and swallowed as he sat up a little straighter and cleared his throat.

“Falling from that train,.... with Steve’s hand reaching for me,....was one of the first memories I got back..........I remember waking up in the snow,...... feeling so cold,..... freezing cold,...... my left arm was ripped off right above the elbow.” He looked down at his arm and swallowed again. “There were Russian soldiers carrying me. I blacked out. When I came too my arm was bandaged up and I was strapped to the table, Zola was staring down at me with those bug eyes of his,.... ginning like a cat that found his mouse.” Bucky spat with anger and his expression turned dark. “They had already put me in the Cryo Tube for over a year on his orders. I didn’t know that though. I didn’t know that the War was over and that Zola had been recruited by the US....... He showed me a news paper that talked about me and Steve,..... Honoring our sacrifice..... When I realized that everybody thought I was dead,...... and Steve was gone,......” Bucky swallowed as his voice broke and he looked up at the jury with wet pleading eyes and a desperate tone. “I wanted to fight back,..... I swear I tried......I just.... I couldn’t,......... They beat the fight out of me, shot me up with drugs and stuck me in the chair!.......” He shook his head with anguished despair. “Fried my brain until I didn’t even know my own name and even then I tried to escape..... But,......I guess I wasn’t as strong as I pretended to be,..... I fell apart,..... I let them win,... and I was gone,.....In my place they made the Asset, code name Winter Soldier....... I am so sorry.” His voice was a harsh whisper and he hung his head in shame

“Sargent Barnes,........ Did you ever give Hydra consent to replace your arm with the cybernetic limb?” The lawyer asked another obvious question and Bucky snorted and he looked up with a vengeful glare.

“Hell no!...... I watched them saw off what was left and stick this metal monstrosity on........ But,..... they did it after they broke me,......... so I didn’t even know what yes or no was anymore,.... I wasn’t me anymore,..... I was him,....... and all he knew back then was pain,... and fear.” He shuddered at the vivid memory. 

“Who are you referring to Sargent when you say, HE only knew pain and fear?” The lawyer questioned as he looked at the Jury’s reaction.

“The Winter Soldier,.... Hydra’s weapon,..... He only knew how to follow orders,....... he only thought about completing his missions and going back to the tank. He didn’t question what was right or wrong. He didn’t try to understand the reason’s they sent him out to kill people,... he just did as he was told,.... like a well trained mutt!” Bucky spoke with bitter resentment.

“And you remember his thoughts?..... Remember following orders and assassinating targets for Hydra?” The lawyer asked and Bucky sighed as he nodded biting his lip as his brow creased.

“Not all of it,.... not clearly...... It comes and goes kinda,..... sometimes I am looking through his eyes.... and sometimes”...... Bucky swallowed and looked away. “.....I am watching what he’s doing....... locked away inside my head.....a prisoner in my own damn mind!” Bucky sighed and closed his eyes with a pained expression before he continued, his voice stumbling slightly as he cleared his throat. “They,.... the Hydra Doctors....they kept me drugged up so...so I couldn’t speak,.... I couldn’t tell him to stop......to fight back...... to make it end...” Bucky’s voice sounded hollow in his own ears as he looked off distantly with sad, remorseful eyes. “But the longer he was awake, the more the drugs wore off... and I would start to see... and hear what was happening,..... like watching some ...twisted.... nightmare..... Everything was distorted and faded in and out, never clear but......ugly.” Bucky blinked as he took in a shuddering breath then swallowed and looked back up at his Lawyer then over to the Juriers with an anguished expression. “I would beg him to resist,.... tell him to fight back, to snap their god damn necks and run...... I would scream at him when they were telling him to lay back in that fucking chair!” Bucky spat through clenched teeth, a desperate, pleading look in his eyes before he turned away with a frustrated shake of his head “But he wouldn’t listen,..... he was scared of me,..... he didn’t know who I was and once that chair fired up,......” He let out a harsh sigh and hung his head, voice defeated. “ I was gone again....... I was buried under all that pain and confusion,... and I would forget myself, just become numb and quit until the next time I woke up.” Bucky swallowed and sighed heavily as he brought the glass up to his lips and took a sip, hand still shaking slightly. There was a long moment of silence in the court room as the Lawyer waited for the testimony to settle upon the Juriers. They watched as Bucky snakingly placed the glass on the stand, his face pale and expression resigned.

“Sargent Barnes,..... Did you surrender yourself willingly to Hydra?” The lawyer asked and Bucky jerked his head up with a flare of anger.

“No..... Never!” He stated emphatically.

“And do you follow their ideology?..... Do you want to help them take over our world?”

“I’d rather die!...... I hate Hydra,...... with every ounce of my being and if I could....... I would destroy them all!” Bucky spoke with a deadly serious tone, glare intense and dark.

“Sargent Barnes,....... Did you ever choose to become The Winter Soldier,.... to carry out kill orders and missions for Hydra,... to become their Asset?” The Lawyer spoke with a stern directness and Bucky shook his head and looked directly at the Juriers, eyes burning bright.

“No,.....Not then, not now,....not ever!.... I am Sargent James Buchanan Barnes!.... And I am no one’s Asset!” Bucky’s tone was hard as steal; gaze steady on the juries and expression one of certainty and conviction.

“Thank you, No further questions at this time your Honor.” The Defense lawyer nodded respectfully at the judge then offered a small smile and nod to his client who remained ridged and pensive in the witness stand, swallowing as he nodded back, eyes drifting to the Avengers who offered steady, supportive expressions, Steve, smiling gently.


	31. Liberty and Justice for All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final Chapter is goanna tie it all up. Thanks again for reading. And sharing your thoughts. One more to go after this.

The court took a recess before cross-examination, giving Bucky time to take a much-needed break. Steve was sitting next to his best friend who was looking down at his metal and flesh hands, both clenched in fists. They had been silent for some time, with Steve resting an unmoving hand on his friend’s back as he watched him take long, slow breaths, despite his racing pulse. Steve watched him with a quiet, concerned expression but did not speak. Bucky had asked to be alone and Steve had said no. The compromise was silence, and stillness. Steve waited patiently for his friend to break from his imposed quiet and withdrawn state. Outside the Captain could hear the chants and yelling from protestors and supporters, the sound muffled yet loud and intrusive in the vacuum of silence. He swallowed down the erg to go outside and tell them all to be quiet, to give his friend some peace so that he could make it through the last of this tidies ordeal. Steve sighed after several more minutes and was about to speak when the door opened and Sam looked in with a calm but wary expression. He offered Steve a slight comforting smile and nodded that it was time. Bucky had not moved, had not looked up at the sound of the door but he flinched when he heard Steve gently whisper his name, the hand on his shoulder moving to rub circles into his back.

“Common Buck,..... It’s almost over...... You got this pal!” Steve promised with an encouraging tone that was still soft and low, somehow aware of how loud the roar of Bucky’s thoughts must be. Bucky swallowed and closed his eyes as he moved and shifted upright, wiping his flesh hand over his face with an anxious breath.

“You ready?” Steve asked with an easy smile beneath worried eyes, Bucky did not look at his friend, at Captain America, but simply nodded and stood up, shrugging off the gentle hand as he made his way through the door way, nodding at Sam as he glanced at him briefly.

Bucky walked stiffly toward the court room with Steve and Sam right behind him. At the door way he saw the other Avengers, all there to offer encouragement, yet one look and they all chose to remain silent, offering nods instead as he briefly acknowledged them. With steady steps and a determined expression, his gaze locked strait ahead, he prepared to end this publicly brutal trail. He walked through the doorway and headed for the stand, looking at no one as he made his way. He sat down and felt a suffocating calmness that was fragile and forced settle over him as he blinked a few times before looking up at the many faces fixed on his own. His expression was almost blank, even as his mind raced.

The prosecutor rose and walked over toward him with careful, slow steps, eyes studying his pray. Bucky forced himself to meet the cold dark eyes of his condemner and offered a practiced calm, eyes focused and sharp as his Jaw twitched and his metal hand became a fist in his lap, bracing for the attack.

“Sargent Barnes,....... We have all seen the Hydra documentation of your detainment, the conditioning and programing process you underwent that created The Winter Soldier. We have also heard from several experts in neuroscience, psychologists and Doctors who have testified that your mind and body were manipulated against your will and there for are not accountable for your actions,.... not responsible for the death of countless innocent victims...... But I am curious.... If not you,.... if not the man who physically pulled the trigger,..... took the shot,.... then who?” The Prosecutor question with a shrug looking at the Jury then back to Bucky.

“The Winter Soldier was a weapon created by Hydra,..... Every mission, ever target was their choice, not his.” Bucky answered back with a calm and even tone, eyes watching the prosecutor with a guarded expression. The Lawyer nodded and tilted his head as if in thought.

“We have all seen the videos of you in action Sargent, and despite what the defense has clamed, you were far from helpless,...... in fact you your self said you tried to convince the Soldier,.... your “other self”....” The lawyer looked at the jury with his fingers doing quotas, “....to fight back against the Hydra technicians and handlers,..... but you never did,...... why?...... You said the “Soldier was afraid of you.” The lawyer asked with another shrug. Bucky shifted in his seat, eyes catching sight of Steve who was glaring at the prosecutor.

“The Soldier was not me,........ He didn’t know who I was,...... to him,... I was just some voice inside his head trying to get him to defy Hydra,...... telling him to fight back against his conditioning and programing...... He thought I was a malfunction, something fixed by the chair so he could continue being an effective weapon...... He had no sense of self,...... no concept of right and wrong...... He just followed orders.” Bucky stated simply, voice still even but body becoming tense.

“But eventually you listened to that voice,.... your voice in side your own head,.....telling you to save Captain America from drowning after you nearly killed him,.... is that correct?” The lawyer was facing the Jury and Bucky nodded slowly.

“He couldn’t drown me out,....... I was fighting against him as hard as I could,...... begging him to recognize Steve,..... trying to push my thoughts through the layers of Hydra garbage, through the walls of conditioning and programing....... It,.......it almost didn’t work.” Bucky’s voice faltered as he looked at Steve with a pained expression then down at the stand in front of him.

“But you wanted to save him,..... because he was your friend...... And because you cared about him, felt his life important,.... you forced your self to be heard...... You fought against the orders,...... and you saved the Captain,...... That shows tremendous will power Sargent...... It’s just too bad for all those other innocent lives that you didn’t care about them,..... you weren’t moved enough to stop their senseless deaths........ All those pilots,....... the targets of Hydra who were trying to make this world a better place...... They just weren’t important enough for you to try and break that programing,......You just stayed hid away inside your self,....... and in your own words you, LET Hydra turn you into the Winter Soldier,.... their Asset.......... Tell me Sargent,...... do you really believe that you are not responsible for their deaths,..... for the murder of innocent lives,..... Including Howard and Maria Stark....” 

The Lawyer questioned as he watched Bucky’s shoulders drop,..... his head hanging low as took slow wet breaths. After a long minute the Prosecutor spoke again with a challenging tone. “Answer the question Sargent,...... You failed to fight back against Hydra,.... your weakness allowed them to turn you into a weapon, a monster that showed no remorse,... no mercy for the men women and children who stood in your path of destruction,..... and yet the moment their was someone YOU cared about in danger,.... suddenly you found your strength, your will to resist........ Being a coward is not a viable defense Sargent,...... not with so much blood on your hands!” He sneered and instantly Steve was standing up but before he could say anything the defense team was up and objecting to the slander. There was arguing and shouting as the Judge used his gavel, the sound echoing around Bucky as the screams of his victims rang loudly in his ears, their twisted and distorted faces begging for mercy as his hands took their lives.

“Yes.” Bucky sputtered the harsh whisper that some how silenced the court room.

“What was that Sargent?” The Prosecutor stepped forward with a deliberate tone. Bucky rose his gaze, eyes large and wet as he trembled, a look of desperate pain and guilt written in his expression.

“Yes,.....I am responsible,...... I killed those people,......I didn’t fight back,..... I just did what I was told,....... I became the Soldier,..... his crimes...... are mine.....” Bucky’s voice broke and he buried his face in his flesh hand to hid his tears. There was a stretch of silence before the Lawyer spoke again, smug and arrogant.

“No further questions your honor.” He walked back to his seat, leaving Bucky shattered on the witness stand. The defense lawyer stood up and walked briskly over to his client, placing both hands on the stand.  
“Sargent Barnes,...... look at me please.” He asked with a direct and calm voice. Bucky sighed and rose his wet eyes, expression heavy with misery and self hatred.

“Did you want to kill those people Sargent?” The lawyer asked him with a strong, authoritative gaze. Bucky swallowed and shook his head.

“No.” His voice was small and tired, so full of resignation that it hurt to look at him.

“If you could have stopped it,..... If you could have prevented their deaths,....would you have?” He asked with a softer, compassionate tone and Bucky choked as tears ran down his face.

“...I.....I should have,.....I....” He shook his head as he swallowed and wiped his face.

“Why were you able to stop the Soldier from killing Captain America,...... what happened that gave you the power to break through Hydra’s programing that day?” The Lawyer asked and Bucky sighed, he looked over at Steve, who’s face shown bright with his own desperate pain at seeing his best friend so distraught and racked with guilt.

“It.....it was Steve,...... he said something,.... something..... we would tell each other...... when we were hurt, or sad or feeling lost and alone,.....” Bucky swallowed and offered Steve a sad smirk beneath wet eyes. “He said, “I am with you ‘till the end of the line.... and ...... it was like a bell was ringing in my head,.....” Bucky shifted in his seat and took a deep, quivering breath, blinking away his tears as he focused on his friend’s heartfelt expression. “I heard those words,..... through all the other noise...... and the Soldier froze,..... he didn’t know what it ment,... but I did,.... and it was enough to break through,..... I took advantage of his confusion, of his hesitation and I shouted for him to save Steve...... I...” Bucky swallowed and turned his wet gaze toward the juries. “I almost let the Soldier kill my best friend,.... and Howard Stark,...... He was a friend too,...... the Soldier,......he recognized him as he died but it was too late,.......It wasn’t enough to break through,......I am sorry,..... I am sorry that I wasn’t strong enough before,...... but the truth is,...... Steve was the strong one,.... even before,...... He was the one that broke through the Winter Soldier’s programing,......His words,..... his friendship,..... that’s what helped me wake up,......what helped me fight back......... I was lost for so long,.......I couldn’t....” Bucky swallowed and looked down with another smirk before bringing his eyes up to meet Steve’s. “I didn’t save Captain America that day,..... he saved me.” Bucky sighed with a strong determined nod at his best friend who offered a slight smile of his own.

“Thank you Sergeant Barnes. The defense rests your honor.” 

............................................................................................................................................

Bucky leaned against the brick wall, hidden by a dumpster out side of the court house. He was shaking slightly as he nodded in thanks to Clint who handed him a cigarette,. The Archer nodded back before lighting it for him and then lighting his own. Bucky took a deep inhale of the calming smoke and let it out in a groaned exhale as he closed his eyes and rest his head against the bricks, licking his lips as he took another equally long drag. The others were still inside the court house, waiting for the recess to end before the closing statements were given. Clint had been the one who took Bucky away from the others stating that they were going to get a breath of fresh air, knowing exactly what the Sargent needed. They stood in companionable silence, smoking the cigarettes. Bucky’s eyes closed and Clint watching him with a respectful patience. They could still hear the muffled chants of the protesters and supporters on the other side of the court house but it was just echoed sound, words indiscernible. After a few more minutes Bucky spoke, his voice sounding strained.

“So tell me honestly,...... How much a pathetic coward was I up there?” Bucky kept his eyes closed, a bitter smirk on his face as he brought the cigarette to his lips again. He opened his eyes, blinking as he felt Clint’s hand on his flesh shoulder. He met the Archer’s fixed gaze with uncertainty and anxiousness but Clint offered back only clam strength and conviction.

“You were never a pathetic Coward Sgt...... not back then,..... and not now....... You showed remorse,....humility,...... vulnerability......... You showed them all that you are human...... a man,..... not a monster.” Clint nodded and patted Bucky’s shoulder before taking a step back with a drag of his own smoke and a shrug. “Now we just got to hope they do the right thing, use common sense instead of letting fear and paranoia influence their decisions.” Clint sighed as Bucky swallowed and nodded, taking another long drag as he rubbed his face.

“You boys done sneaking smokes behind the dumpster?” Natasha appeared as if from nowhere, casually leaning against the railing of the back steps. Barton snickered at her as he stubbed out the cigarette and Bucky offered a weak smile, sucking in his cancer stick with a desperate pull, his anxiousness evident in his hunched shoulders and tensed expression. Clint slapped a comforting hand on Bucky’s shoulder as they headed back inside.

............................................................................................................................................

 

The Prosecutor’s closing statement, while mercifully brief, was still painful and somewhat vicious, his words twisting in The Sargent’s gut. He made it a point to remind the jury of the countless innocent lives ruined by Hydra and the direct action’s of their Winter Soldier. He pointed at the families in the court room, the children who lost their fathers. He went on to remind the Jury that the Soldier was a lethal and violent threat and stated emphatically that no amount of psychotherapy could ever guarantee that he wouldn’t become violent again and hurt others. He acknowledged that Bucky was a victim of Hydra but argued that just because he was manipulated it did not mean that he was not accountable for his crimes and then ended by quoting the Sargent’s own words, accepting the blame.  
The Defense lawyer took his turn with deliberate pause and a reflective expression as he looked each Jurier in the eyes before pointing over to his client who was hunched over, a forlorn look on his face.

“What do you see when you look at that man?.....Hmmmm?...... Do you see a ruthless Russian Assassin?....... A terrorist threat, willing to kill anyone and every one in the name of Hydra?....... Or perhaps you see Sargent James Buchanan Barnes,...... a WWII hero,.... a man our History books taught us about,...... a proud, loyal. blue blooded, all American Boy who gave his life in service of his country,........ A man who’s devotion and Friendship to Captain America was honored and spoken of with reverence by our Grandparents.” He paused again and looked at Bucky who still was hunched eyes down cast. 

“I will tell you what I see,............ I see a scared, traumatized young man........ A good man who was made to suffer through unbearable cruelty,......... a man who was robbed of his freedom,.... of his choice to do right or wrong,.......a man who was a prisoner in his own head,...... unable to prevent Hydra from forcing him to carry out their orders........ Yes,.......... The Winter Soldier committed crimes,...... but the man who did that is not here today,......... and even if he was,........ he still could not be held accountable because he was not aware that his actions were wrong,.......he was never given that freedom to think,..... to question the motives of his captors,...... to understand why killing people was a bad thing to do.” The Lawyer emphases each word pointedly then walked over to the table and picked up a large book before turning back to the Jury.

“The defense is not calming that Sargent Barnes did not physically commit those assassinations,..... and that the charges leveled against him are not true....... We are simply stating that he can not be found guilty because of mental impairment.......” The lawyer looked down to legal text and read directly.

 

“It has long been recognized that a person should not be held criminally responsible if at the time of committing an offense, the person lacked the necessary intent to commit the offense due to a ‘mental impairment’. The defense of mental impairment is outlined in section 20 of the CMIA, which provides that the defense is established if at the time of engaging in conduct constituting the offense, the person was suffering from a mental impairment that resulted in:  
• the person did not know the nature and quality of the conduct, or   
• the person did not know that the conduct was wrong.   
The CMIA further outlines in s 20(1)(b) that a person will not know their conduct was wrong where they were ‘unable to reason with a moderate degree of sense and composure about whether the conduct, as perceived by reasonable people, was wrong’.  
In the Supreme and County Courts, a person found not guilty by reason of mental impairment may be placed on a supervision order, or may be unconditionally released” The lawyer shut the book and paused again for dramatic effect as he nodded with a thoughtful expression.

“Sargent James Buchanan Barnes can not LEAGLY be held responsible for those crimes as he meets the requirements and in fact,...... is a clear and obvious example of what it means to be mentally impaired at the time when those offenses were being committed......... The Soldier did not know that what he was doing,… what Hydra was ordering him to do,… was wrong,...... even if Sargent Barnes did. Hydra understood that they could not force a good, brave and courageous man to follow their orders,...... so they used chemical and neurological manipulation,....... drugs and electrical shocks,...... to WIPE him away,...... they tried to burn away his resistance,...... his defiance and his will power......... but this man.....” The lawyer spoke with conviction as he again pointed at Bucky who swallowed with an anxious but hopeful gaze.

“This man,..... Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, was so strong,..... that he never let go,..... he never gave up,...... he was just buried beneath Hydra’s conditioning and programing,......... he was kept sedated and mute,.....until one day,..... he was thrown a life line,....... a glimpses of light in his world of darkness........ He used that small window,..... that crack in the Soldier’s programing and he broke through....... he fought as hard as he could and he survived...... He forced his way back to the surface.” The lawyer nodded again and set the book down as he turned back toward the jury with a contemplative look.

“I know that his training, his metal arm and his ability to do harm scares you..... I would be lying If I said it doesn’t scare me!....... But he has been kept safe and has been recovering for almost a year in the custody of Captain America and the Avengers. These people are all heroes, who have literarily saved our world time and time again. They have taken the stand in his defense and they have stated with complete confidence and authority,..... that they will continue to provide care and guardianship over Sargent Barnes......... As the Jury,..... you must find the defendant not guilty by reason of mental impairment,.... but if you are still concerned about if he is a threat,..... then you can recommend to the judge that Sargent Barnes be placed on a supervision order with the Avengers. He will not pose a threat and he will continue to heal......... Ladies and Gentlemen of this Jury,...... I need you to recognize that there can only be one verdict that truly represents Justice in this case......Sargent Barnes has been a prisoner long enough,......Thank you.” The lawyer nodded and walked back toward Bucky with a calm and reassuring smile. Bucky swallowed and nodded at him and then looked back down as he let out a deep breath.

............................................................................................................................................

It didn’t take long for the Jury to make their decision and as Bucky stood next to his legal council, he held his breath, gut twisting and chest tight, his body ridged with tension as behind him Steve and the others all waited with baited breath.

“We the jury, find the defendant, Sargent James Buchanan Barnes,,,, Not Guilty on all Charges and request a Supervision order that he be placed in the custody of Captain America and the Avengers.”

The words cut through the silence like a knife and there was an eruption of voices all around as Bucky choked on his breathe, blinking is disbelief. The lawyer smiled and patted his back as Steve was instantly at his side grabbing him into a desperate hug. Bucky felt his body go slack and his knees buckle as he let out a cry of relief and Steve held him up, supporting his weight in the crushing hug.

“Your free Bucky!............ Your finally free!” Steve stepped back but kept his hands on his friends trembling shoulders as Bucky’s shocked expression slowly morphed into a grin as he looked at Steve’s smile and hope filled eyes. Bucky couldn’t speak and so he just nodded and once more stumbled back into his friends arms with a shudder as he felt all the anxiety and tension drain from his body. The others came up and each took their turn’s embracing the Sargent and expressing their relief and support. 

Bucky felt light headed and exhausted, legs weak as he stumbled out of the court house with Steve’s arm wrapped around him. Sunglasses hid his wet eyes and his head was down as all around him cameras flashed and reporters tried to shove microphones in his direction. Clint, Sam and Natasha acted as buffers, keeping the swarm of people that had broken through the police barricades back as Bruce, Pepper and Tony each spoke to a different news reporter about the verdict and their thoughts, expressing their relief and stating with optimism that Sargent Barnes would continue to recover and when he was ready could become an official member of the Avengers.

Inside the limo, Bucky sighed with relief and offered a small smile as Steve sat next to him with a large grin and eyes shinning bright. The others all piled in and by the time the limo reached their temporary home in D.C, Bucky was asleep against Steve’s shoulder, his exhaustion from lack of sleep and the stress of the trial finally taking hold. Steve helped him groggily back into their apartment and managed to get him out of his suite and tie and into some sweats before Bucky collapsed onto the couch, unconscious before his head hit the pillow. Steve stared down at his best friend with admiration and love, feeling lighter then he had in months.


	32. Road to Freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s short and sweet and time to move on I am afraid. Last Chapter.

CH 32- Epilogue

The sun shown bright between the large oak branches as Bucky revved his motor cycle engine and zoomed past Steve who laughed and shook his head. They had been taking turns passing one another on the long, country road as they headed through the Southern States of America. They had finally begun their road trip almost three months after the trial when spring was in the air and Bucky finally felt ready to leave his fear and anxiety about being recognized as the Winter Soldier behind. Stark had made him a knew prosthetic arm, still strong and powerful but with a synthetic flesh that looked and felt almost real. It was the last thing Bucky had requested before he finally stated he was ready to venture out of the tower and rediscover America.   
At the time of the procedure he had been nervous and despite his best efforts, he could not hide the immense fear that shown bright in his eyes as Steve held his flesh hand while Bruce connected the IV to administer sedative. Steve stood by him, a sold support even as Bucky trembled as fought against the urge to change his mind and beg them to stop. As the sedative took hold and Bucky’s eyes struggled to stay open. Steve stroked his sweat covered brow and told him not to fight it, promising it would be alright. Steve’s gentle and comforting expression had been the last thing he saw before unconsciousness took over, allowing Stark and Banner to begin the careful work of removing the metal prosthetic and replacing it with the new arm. It had taken a few hours and Steve had been mandated to outside of he medical room, pacing the hall as Natasha and Sam offered support, Clint stopping by with snacks.  
When it was finished, Bruce removed the IV and less then 20 minutes later Bucky awoke with a gasp and cry, eyes confused and frantic as he emerged from his hellish world of dreams. It took a few minutes for Steve to calm him down and reassure him, for the traumatized Vet to recognize his surroundings and his best friend’s face. When he looked down at the new arm his eyes grew wide and he was speechless. He examined the fingers, wrist, elbow, felt the soft synthetic skin covering the harder then bone material underneath. He let out a quivering breath of aw and relief, eyes wet as he fell against Steve who sat next to him on the hospital bed, one arm around his friend’s shoulders and the other reaching out to touch Bucky’s new hand that he was flexing and moving. When Stark and Banner reentered the room several minutes later there were no words, and Bucky simply stood up and hugged each man with an earnest look of gratitude and tears, wrapping both his arms around them, something he had never done before, avoiding touching anyone with Hydra’s weapon.  
That had been two weeks before they left the tower and Bucky grinned as the wind whipped through his air, the smell of magnolia and jasmine filling his senses as he watched the scenery go by. This was the trip he had always wanted to do, even before the War, when he stayed up late at night by Steve’s bedside, holding his pale hand as he coughed from another asthma attack. Bucky would tell him to hold on, to think about how much fun they were going to have on their road trip through America and maybe even to Mexico and further south, then back up all the way through Canada and into Alaska. Bucky would read him travel brochures and showed him pictures of yellow stone, the grand canyon and other landmarks, drawing possible routs on maps, eyes bright and dreamy. It was something he did not just for Steve, to encourage him and keep him optimistic, but also for himself, as a way to distract from the constant dread that he might loose his sickly friend to illness. As they had gotten older and the War became a reality, Bucky had put that dream on hold but it was always there, waiting for a time when he could really live it.  
Bucky smirked as Steve roared past him once more taking the lead before he held up his hand pointing to a sign that advertised fried Catfish at a local restaurant. Bucky chuckled as he followed the Captain toward the town, ready for some beer and southern soul food. It had taken over a year for Bucky to feel like himself again and even though he still had flash backs and nightmares, still woke up some days with tears in his eyes or felt a wave of anger and humility when he looked too long in the mirror, for the most part, he was who he always had been and the simple joy that he could finally fulfill this dream with Steve was enough to keep the smile coming back to his face.  
It had been hard and some days still were, but Steve was there with him, patient and understanding even when he was being irrational or mean, apologizing later for lashing out. Steve accepted him and supported him though it all and for that, Bucky was tremendously grateful. He was still in touch with his Psychiatrist, and spent an hour every other day in a session with him over a Stark video tablet. The others checked in with them too, and Sam was going to join them when they got to New Orleans for a week or two. Clint and Natasha were in Europe working with Fury but had planned to meet up with them at some point out west to go camping. Tony had insisted they stay at his house on Venice beach in California, stating he and Pepper would fly out when they got there. Even Bruce had asked to join them once they got through Canada, expressing his desire to ride the Alaskan Rail road and see the northern lights. For now through, it was just Steve and Bucky, and for the both of them it was good to be back to their familiar pattern, their teasing and playful friendship, knowing with out saying, and understanding more then anyone else ever could, what they meant to each other.   
Bucky stretched his legs as he got off the bike and smirked as Steve joked with him about getting old and needing a rest. They entered the small town restaurant with polite smiles and nods, both men sporting a few days of stubble under sunglasses as they took their seats on the patio and began looking at the menu. A moment later their waitress appeared with rosy cheeks and bright red lip stick, her light brown hair hanging to the side in a long braid. She smiled at the two men and introduced her self in a thick southern accent and draw. Bucky grinned at the girl and took off his sun glasses, bright blue eyes winking as he placed his order and asked for a beer. The girl smiled and flirted back, asking where they were from. Bucky put on his strongest Brooklyn accent and Steve snorted as he shook his head, watching Bucky charm the girl and comment on how much he loved the way she spoke. Steve rolled his eyes when Bucky told her that she sounded like a southern angle, her voice as sweet as sugar. She blushed and by the end of their meal had given him her number after asking if they were going to be in town for a few days. She smiled brightly at Steve and told him she had a girl friend who’s brother had a fishing boat and she would love to take them out and show them around town. Steve thanked her and nodded, watching as she bent over and whispered something to Bucky before walking away. Bucky turned and watched her retreat with a happy sigh then looked back at Steve with raised eye brows.  
“Guess this means we’re going fishing tomorrow?” Steve asked with amusement.  
“Yup!..... But I think I already caught mine!” Bucky grinned and Steve rolled his eyes but laughed. It felt good and natural and Bucky smiled back with the same knowing expression. This was how things always should have been and even through it took seventy years and a lot of pain to get there, they had finally made it and had each other to keep them focused on the present and the future instead of dwelling on the past.

 

Thats all folks!!!!!  
Thank you for reading and I hope the ending, through short, did this story justice!!!! I also have posted other random one shots of Winter Soldier and Bucky exploring missing scenes from before and during the war as well as Post CAWS. All Hurt/Comfort, some more extreme and some more fluffy, just random stuff that do not necessarily fit in with this story but still have their brotherly dynamic. Much love to you all and please let me know what y’all thought!!!!

XXOO!!!


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